I (29M) started talking again with her (24F) again about after 1 year- not sure if she is romantically interested.

[toughlove1993]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Because when she asked if the work thing was still on you enthusiastically said "Yes!!" So she thinks you're fine with being "friends". 

If you're not fine with it and your heart is going to leap every time you get a message or call from her you will not be emotionally available to other women. 

I assumed she would think I was just being nice but you're right, I should have worded that way differently. Surely she should understand a guy who just asked her out won't just see her as just a friend?

And your comment about heart going to leap is so true 😢. I get that way when she messages. I need to find myself another women, I can't let myself remain attached to her like this.

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I assumed she would get I was just being nic but you're right, I should have worded that way differently. Surely she should understand a guy who just asked her out won't just see her as just a friend?

And your comment about heart going to leap is so true 😢. I get that way when she messages. I need to find myself another women, I can't let myself remain attached to her like this.

But she asked you and you enthusiastically assured her it was just fine and "of course!" it was still on. I'm not sure how else she was supposed to interpret your reply.

You can't just find another woman and hope that woman will make your feelings for this one disappear. There are lots of reasons why that's a bad idea, it not being nice to the new woman for one. That's why ending contact is a good idea. 

[toughlove1993]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But she asked you and you enthusiastically assured her it was just fine and "of course!" it was still on. I'm not sure how else she was supposed to interpret your reply.

You can't just find another woman and hope that woman will make your feelings for this one disappear. There are lots of reasons why that's a bad idea, it not being nice to the new woman for one. That's why ending contact is a good idea. 

I agree with you, but what I mean is I literally just asked her out and she said "does that mean you don't want me in the clinic" and I responded that way. I am surprised she even took that offer tbh knowing I like her. Even tonight when we spoke she said she'll be coming in Feb when she has a few weeks off. I probably should have just said "sure you can still come" in that message. Anyway I can't change the past. I guess she's not even thinking "how can he be friends if he clearly still likes me?" ?

I will never string someone along. I just need to put myself out there and see what's available. So far in my life I have not been very lucky in my dating life.

[Andrina]

12 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I am surprised she even took that offer tbh knowing I like her

Well, the only reason she's doing this is because it feels good for her to have a fan. It boosts her ego. If she had normal, healthy ethics, she'd be caring enough to stay out of your life. If she actually has a bf and it's not a lie to keep you at arm's length, she's also showing poor ethics. Because if I was a woman in her situation, for the sake of my primary relationship, I wouldn't set up a non-essential activity with a guy who has a crush on me.

It's like you're so thirsty, you're brushing away the red flags whipping in your face.

Let's look at a scenario that could happen in the future: You're on a third date with a woman and it's going exceedingly well. Your phone pings and she sees this "friend's" name pop up on your phone.

She: Oh, who's that?

You: Just a friend.

She: Did you ever date?

You: For a week, and then she didn't want to date anymore. 

She sees a weird look on your face. "Oh, you didn't want it to end?"

You: Another weird look on your face. "No."

If I were that woman, that'd be my last date with you because I've never continued dating anyone who stayed in touch with exes, unless they had children together. There may be women who accept this, but you're already cutting your small pool even smaller.

And yes, every time your "friend" calls, it will set you back to square one for closure.

Blocking someone isn't a crappy thing to do. It's called self-care. But you can, if you like, explain why you're doing it and a caring woman would understand. A woman who only cares about having a fan will argue the point, and you shut her down and do what's best for yourself anyway.

Perhaps if you get out of this pattern of being a doormat and ignoring red flags, your luck in romance will improve.

[toughlove1993]

30 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Well, the only reason she's doing this is because it feels good for her to have a fan. It boosts her ego. If she had normal, healthy ethics, she'd be caring enough to stay out of your life. If she actually has a bf and it's not a lie to keep you at arm's length, she's also showing poor ethics. Because if I was a woman in her situation, for the sake of my primary relationship, I wouldn't set up a non-essential activity with a guy who has a crush on me.

It's like you're so thirsty, you're brushing away the red flags whipping in your face.

Let's look at a scenario that could happen in the future: You're on a third date with a woman and it's going exceedingly well. Your phone pings and she sees this "friend's" name pop up on your phone.

She: Oh, who's that?

You: Just a friend.

She: Did you ever date?

You: For a week, and then she didn't want to date anymore. 

She sees a weird look on your face. "Oh, you didn't want it to end?"

You: Another weird look on your face. "No."

If I were that woman, that'd be my last date with you because I've never continued dating anyone who stayed in touch with exes, unless they had children together. There may be women who accept this, but you're already cutting your small pool even smaller.

And yes, every time your "friend" calls, it will set you back to square one for closure.

Blocking someone isn't a crappy thing to do. It's called self-care. But you can, if you like, explain why you're doing it and a caring woman would understand. A woman who only cares about having a fan will argue the point, and you shut her down and do what's best for yourself anyway.

Perhaps if you get out of this pattern of being a doormat and ignoring red flags, your luck in romance will improve.

I am sorry if I coming across as a naive person but I genuinely want to learn so I can become more self aware. What do you think are the chances she want to stay in touch because she thinks I am someone she can rely on and trust etc. Given her past, it seems she needs someone like that? Not that it makes any difference, I don't want to be her pillow whilst another guy is kissing/hugging her and getting her romantic energy. Before she dated me last year, she had spend a few months having a casual sexual relationship with another clinician at the work place. Also, from what she told me, her past boyfriends did not treat her well and she even mentioned being abused (she did not say who by). I don't know how is doing with her current boyfriend but they've been together since February last year (I dated her in December that year). 

Your comment on her coming to the clinic does makes sense. She seemed really excited to visit the clinic, maybe in her excitement she is just not thinking properly and not realising its not appropriate? But it is weird, she'll be essentially in a room with just me. So as you said it's definitely not fully appropriate. 

It's weird, I am not an idiot. But it seems I just can't see clearly when it comse to her. 

[Andrina]

17 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

What do you think are the chances she want to stay in touch because she thinks I am someone she can rely on and trust etc.

Don't try to figure out people like this. She's not good for your mental health and distracts you from your dating goals.

She has survived on this planet before she met you and she will survive without you. She can confide in her boyfriend and her girlfriends.

Someone pretty paid attention to you, and you enjoyed that regardless of her emotional dumping of her toxic past. 

Believe me, it's a lot more fun to enjoy the company of a lady who is crazy about you and you're going out to dinner, holding hands and talking about more enjoyable topics.

[Batya33]

If you stay in touch with her ask yourself how soon you want to meet her boyfriend and how it will feel to hear about him/see social media posts and photos, etc.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

Which is why I am confused why she seems keen to stay in touch. 

You won't be confused if you start believeing what we are telling you - she is using you for attention. 

It's not complicated, man. You're making it complicated, though, because you don't want to admit that simple truth to yourself yet. You are hoping her remaining in touch means she must like you. But that's not it. You are going to continue to get hurt if you continue to stand in your own way like this. 

You are also plenty old enough to know that staying friends is not realistic. It's time to stop being willfully naive about this. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I don't want to be her pillow whilst another guy is kissing/hugging her and getting her romantic energy. 

But friends is all she offered so unfortunately this is what's happening. Step back since she has a BF and isn't available for dating. 

[toughlove1993]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

Don't try to figure out people like this. She's not good for your mental health and distracts you from your dating goals.

She has survived on this planet before she met you and she will survive without you. She can confide in her boyfriend and her girlfriends.

Someone pretty paid attention to you, and you enjoyed that regardless of her emotional dumping of her toxic past. 

Believe me, it's a lot more fun to enjoy the company of a lady who is crazy about you and you're going out to dinner, holding hands and talking about more enjoyable topics.

Yes I always seem to want to over analyse things, especially when it comes to her. What you opinion on how to go from here? If you were to go about this without blocking her number, what would you do? just straight up tell her we can't be friends? How should I go about it?

[toughlove1993]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you stay in touch with her ask yourself how soon you want to meet her boyfriend and how it will feel to hear about him/see social media posts and photos, etc.

Yes it will definitely bother me, especially with valentine day around the corner. I need to sort this situation out quickly I suppose. What's your advise?

[toughlove1993]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You won't be confused if you start believeing what we are telling you - she is using you for attention. 

It's not complicated, man. You're making it complicated, though, because you don't want to admit that simple truth to yourself yet. You are hoping her remaining in touch means she must like you. But that's not it. You are going to continue to get hurt if you continue to stand in your own way like this. 

You are also plenty old enough to know that staying friends is not realistic. It's time to stop being willfully naive about this. 

You see I thought when a women says "lets just be friends" it's basically a way of saying I am not interested in so I am letting you out of my life nicely. You're right, I am assuming that maybe she has (whether conscious or subconscious) something more than friendship on her mind. I mean why want me as a friend despite our history and the fact I have told her I want to date her? I guess I am reading too much into it.

I am taking everything you are saying on board. And I do genuinely agree with you it's just I am find it a little hard to let go.

I don't want to block her number, how would you go about dealing with this? Shall I just send her a message saying we can't be friends? 

[toughlove1993]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But friends is all she offered so unfortunately this is what's happening. Step back since she has a BF and isn't available for dating. 

Yes, I just hoped when I asked her out few days ago that she herself would have realised its best to back off instead of saying "I am more than happy to be friends".  what's your impression on what to do? Shall I say it will not work to be friends? It won't be easy 😢

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, toughlove1993 said:

Yes it will definitely bother me, especially with valentine day around the corner. I need to sort this situation out quickly I suppose. What's your advise?

If you cannot block because of work simply tell her "I have thought about it and it is not a good idea for us to be friends.  Take care." The right choice is not necessarily the easy choice.  

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

 she herself would have realised its best to back off instead of saying "I am more than happy to be friends".  friends?  😢

She's being straight up and crystal clear all along. She's only offering friendship. It's your, not her, responsibility to back off if you want more than friends. She's being herself and honest about having a BF and just being friends. You'll have to reflect and stop blaming her for not offering what you want. She never led you on. She never deceived you. 

[toughlove1993]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's being straight up and crystal clear all along. She's only offering friendship. It's your, not her, responsibility to back off if you want more than friends. She's being herself and honest about having a BF and just being friends. You'll have to reflect and stop blaming her for not offering what you want. She never led you on. She never deceived you. 

I had told her previously I want more than friendship and same this time. Yes she is not deceiving me, of course not. But I think she should have backed off when she realised what I really want. There is no way she or anyone would believe I could possibly only want her as a friend. So I hardly say it's only my responsibility. I didn't ask for her to get back in touch with me, I was not the one that messaged her and said "Oh I miss him". This situation is hardly something I can be blamed for.

The good news she has not messaged me since last night so I am hoping she will reduce/stop contact.

[toughlove1993]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you cannot block because of work simply tell her "I have thought about it and it is not a good idea for us to be friends.  Take care." The right choice is not necessarily the easy choice.  

The good news since my last message to her last night she has not responded. My last message to her was a simple smiley face, I kept it simple so she does not have to respond to it. If she does start messaging then I will post your message. 

[iamwhatyoumademe1129]

3 dates in one week? Thats way too much

 

And ask her out on a date if you want. Whats the worse that can happen?

[boltnrun]

43 minutes ago, iamwhatyoumademe1129 said:

3 dates in one week? Thats way too much

 

And ask her out on a date if you want. Whats the worse that can happen?

She told him she has a boyfriend.

[toughlove1993]

Hey guys, just to update. So she has kept messaging me. I noticed even when I make my comment closed statements i.e no need for her to reply, she will still end up replying. Sometimes after a day of not messaging me she'll just write "Hi" with an emojee. She clearly wants to continue talking to me.

I am getting on with life, I am looking for other people to date but it's hard given most people I come across are already taken. I might start doing online dating again.

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Hey guys, just to update. So she has kept messaging me. I noticed even when I make my comment closed statements i.e no need for her to reply, she will still end up replying. Sometimes after a day of not messaging me she'll just write "Hi" with an emojee. She clearly wants to continue talking to me.

I am getting on with life, I am looking for other people to date but it's hard given most people I come across are already taken. I might start doing online dating again.

Lots of people will enjoy chatting with you on text. Doesn't mean they -or she -is interested in dating you.  That's separate.  Writing "Hi" is not really any sort of response.

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

She clearly wants to continue talking to me.

I really hope you are not pinning your hopes on this. 

We have already explained why this girl operates this way. Please don't take it as a sign she is interested in you for the right reasons. You will get hurt if you do. 

[toughlove1993]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Lots of people will enjoy chatting with you on text. Doesn't mean they -or she -is interested in dating you.  That's separate.  Writing "Hi" is not really any sort of response.

 I mean most of the other people that I speak to can go weeks without sending me a message, but with her it seems she can't go more than 2 days. Also, I am thinking of the context here. I literally asked her out and she knows I am interested in her. 

By the Hi comment I mean she'll basically try to reinitiate contact with me. I am not saying this is a guarantee that she wants to date me, I just find it a little weird. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, toughlove1993 said:

 I mean most of the other people that I speak to can go weeks without sending me a message, but with her it seems she can't go more than 2 days. Also, I am thinking of the context here. I literally asked her out and she knows I am interested in her. 

By the Hi comment I mean she'll basically try to reinitiate contact with me. I am not saying this is a guarantee that she wants to date me, I just find it a little weird. 

I know what you are trying to do.  Other than her telling you with enthusiasm she wants to date you I would not read into a thing here.  Nothing to see here.  I wouldn't even play games with yourself analyzing how "weird" something is.  Treat all as a nonevent except "I changed my mind and I'd love to go out on a date with you.  When can we get together?"

[toughlove1993]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

I really hope you are not pinning your hopes on this. 

We have already explained why this girl operates this way. Please don't take it as a sign she is interested in you for the right reasons. You will get hurt if you do. 

Initially I did feel hopeful, but now I am becoming carefree tbh. I am not waiting around for her. If I find a women to date tomorrow, I will without a second thought. Do you believe she is this much in need of attention? Is this all this is really about?