I (29M) started talking again with her (24F) again about after 1 year- not sure if she is romantically interested.

[toughlove1993]

32 minutes ago, JohnLee said:

Let her go. From my experience of marrying to a person who was abused and had a bad childhood. The sadness, depression, and pain will never leave her. You don't want to spend your entire life with someone like that if you can avoid. Take care of yourself, avoid damaged people. You save yourself a lot of pain and headache later. Don't try to save people. I made this mistake.

You are right. Eventhough she is a lovely person, these past traumas effect her a lot. I'll give you an example. Last year when I was dating her, I took her to the Christmas markets as she had never been to one and she was really excited to go. I knew she likes to danced and as were were walking past a group of people dancing to music in the market I offered to dance with her, she smiled and said no and I thought she was being shy, so I Jokingly kept saying "come one, lets dance!" a few times. Later on she told me she did not like the fact I did that. Her explanation was she felt like I was trying to force her and that this reminded her of her past and how she used to be forced (which I assumed meant sexual things). About 30 seconds after she said that she put her head in hands and said "I know I am overthinking things". So unfortunately it seems there is a lot from her past effecting her. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I Jokingly kept saying "come one, lets dance!" a few times. Later on she told me she did not like the fact I did that. Her explanation was she felt like I was trying to force her and that this reminded her of her past and how she used to be forced (which I assumed meant sexual things).

OP, she has got serious issues if she's triggered by you trying to get her dance. You would constantly be walking on eggshells. 

As I said before, she does not seem ready to date. Like at all. 

[toughlove1993]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, she has got serious issues if she's triggered by you trying to get her dance. You would constantly be walking on eggshells. 

As I said before, she does not seem ready to date. Like at all. 

You're right. She finally messaged me back today. It's Tuesday and she's back with her friend in question from my opening statement again so I suppose her friend must have said something to make her realise it's rude to not reply to someone (assuming she's not been busy) for days. She said "sorry I had a lot on this weekend" and said "how've you been?". I am tempted to just not reply and delete her today. No point keep giving her the benefit of the doubt over and over. Like you said earlier, if she wanted ,she would have found the time to reply to a message, I mean it takes what? 5 seconds?

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

You're right. She finally messaged me back today. It's Tuesday and she's back with her friend in question from my opening statement again so I suppose her friend must have said something to make her realise it's rude to not reply to someone (assuming she's not been busy) for days. She said "sorry I had a lot on this weekend" and said "how've you been?". I am tempted to just not reply and delete her today. No point keep giving her the benefit of the doubt over and over. Like you said earlier, if she wanted ,she would have found the time to reply to a message, I mean it takes what? 5 seconds?

You could delete her contact info without a word. Or you could ask her for a date.

[toughlove1993]

Alright so an update. Today I asked her out and it turns out she has a boyfriend. I mean what the hell? Why would you get back in touch with after a year then.

She said she is happy to be friends and "are we good?"

I made it clear again today that I am not interested in a friendship but that yeah we're good. She said that she did not know I was still interested in her. I replied and said I wanted to see how she felt about me and then she replied saying "I've put on alot of weight anyway lol" basically saying I'd probably not find her attractive? I replied saying "That's not something that bothers me" and then she changed the topic to something else. Last week I told her I'd help her with something work related and today she said "does that mean you won't do that now" i.e she is worried I will blank her. I am not someone that does not keep my promises. I also don't want to come across as bitter and make myself look bad given we have mutual friends. But I guess I have my answer now. I will now just start backing off and then hopefully this chapter will end.

[boltnrun]

At least you know and won't be in this uncertain limbo anymore.

Although I find it interesting that she's hitting up men when she has a boyfriend. Any chance she just did so she could get you to help her with the work related thing?

[toughlove1993]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

At least you know and won't be in this uncertain limbo anymore.

Although I find it interesting that she's hitting up men when she has a boyfriend. Any chance she just did so she could get you to help her with the work related thing?

I am confused, I mean given how things ended last year for her say she misses me etc I just think its weird as well. I guess when she said "besties" she really thought I'd just want to be friends I made it clear last year I was not interested in a friendship and from her comments today and acting surprised I'd still want to date her. 

Regarding the work related issue. No I would not say so. That was only brought up after we started texting on Tuesday. Once per week I work in a clinic where she has never worked and I offered her to come and sit in with me one day to see what its like and she got really excited. So technically I was the one who offered it.

This is our conversation in the last hour:

Her: " does not mean you don't want me to come the the clinic now too"

Me: " lmao don't be silly, I still want to see you".

Her: " Okay *smily face*"

Me: : Smily face

She read it but did not reply.

 I am happy to not message her ever again, if she does not reply then I'll be good with it. No idea why she thought she would get in touch with me just to be "friends"...

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Me: " lmao don't be silly, I still want to see you".

So your assertion that you aren't interested in being "friends" isn't in fact true if you told her this. You can't be upset with her for wanting to be "besties" only if you accept it from her and even encourage it.

[toughlove1993]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So your assertion that you aren't interested in being "friends" isn't in fact true if you told her this. You can't be upset with her for wanting to be "besties" only if you accept it from her and even encourage it.

I made that statement after I told her I want something more than friendship. But I see where you're coming from. I probably should have worded that differently. Anyway if I have not made m intents as clear as I should have, I think she'll get the point going forward as I will not be responding to her texts etc as enthusiastically as I have been. I just thought by now she should understand that I see her as a romantic potential, not a friend. Why do you think she's so seemingly keen on having me as a friend? 

I don't know what's happening between her and her boyfriend but I will not do anything to damage that relationship. 

[smackie9]

She's just looking for attention where her BF lacked that particular day. This girl is just using you. I don't understand why you need to hang onto her. Just block/delete and move on. 

[toughlove1993]

18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She's just looking for attention where her BF lacked that particular day. This girl is just using you. I don't understand why you need to hang onto her. Just block/delete and move on. 

Yes you are probably right. My problem is I don't date much so I tend to hold on to people. I need to change this. I can't keep waiting around for people. So you think her  interest in being friends is because of her boyfriend is not giving her enough attention? 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Yes you are probably right. My problem is I don't date much so I tend to hold on to people. I need to change this. I can't keep waiting around for people. So you think her  interest in being friends is because of her boyfriend is not giving her enough attention? 

Please don't take that speculation as a sign you might have a "chance" with her. You could waste years on a "maybe".

[toughlove1993]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please don't take that speculation as a sign you might have a "chance" with her. You could waste years on a "maybe".

I wont allow myself to wait around for her. She just came back into my life after a year and I thought I try another potential date with her but obviously I can't now. It is what it is. I will have to focus on other people. I have a feeling she got the point and will not contact me much again- this will better for both of us. Even if she does contact me, I'll just try and treat her like any other person from work that messages me. It wont be easy initially, but I'll do it. I got over her once before, but she rekindled that interest in the last week but this time it should be much easier. 

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

Last week I told her I'd help her with something work related and today she said "does that mean you won't do that now" i.e she is worried I will blank her. I am not someone that does not keep my promises. I also don't want to come across as bitter and make myself look bad given we have mutual friends.

 

6 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I work in a clinic where she has never worked and I offered her to come and sit in with me one day to see what its like

This is all BS. Your mindset is totally off-kilter, and you will continue screwing yourself over because of these "ethics" which might sound good to someone like you who settles for stale crumbs.

It's okay to realize you made a mistake when making an offer like you did, and to tell her. "I thought it was a good idea at the time to invite you to my office, but I no longer think it's a good idea. I hope you understand I'm no longer up to communicating outside of work, but of course, we'll continue to be pleasant whenever we do run into each other at work."

This woman doesn't care about anybody but herself. What do you think her bf would think if he knew she'd be hanging out, when not necessary at work on a "special day," with a guy who has a crush on her? This is not a woman you should care about breaking plans with.

And it's obvious, even after all she's shown you about herself, that if next week she said it didn't work out with her bf and she was free to go out with you, that you'd jump at that opportunity.

As I said in another post, you won't have any good luck when you think so lowly of yourself.

Be alone until you achieve this, and then why not try Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. You will at least know these are single women willing to date, and they will be outside of the work environment. Don't be so passive about "Well, if she doesn't text me she'll be doing me a favor." Nonsense. Take action and block her. You need to be the driver of your life, not be some passenger where another driver is in charge, letting you on or kicking you off.

[MissCanuck]

Dude, this girl is using you. You have got to stop this, as it's making you look desperate and without any self-respect:

12 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

This is our conversation in the last hour:

Her: " does not mean you don't want me to come the the clinic now too"

Me: " lmao don't be silly, I still want to see you".

What are you thinking? 

She has a boyfriend. You are the filler for when her boyfriend isn't paying attention to her. You are telling her you will gladly wait around in second-place. 

Forget her. She's not into you the way you are into her, and you badly need to work on your own boundaries so you don't pander to silly girls who use you to boost their own ego. 

[toughlove1993]

14 hours ago, Andrina said:

 

This is all BS. Your mindset is totally off-kilter, and you will continue screwing yourself over because of these "ethics" which might sound good to someone like you who settles for stale crumbs.

It's okay to realize you made a mistake when making an offer like you did, and to tell her. "I thought it was a good idea at the time to invite you to my office, but I no longer think it's a good idea. I hope you understand I'm no longer up to communicating outside of work, but of course, we'll continue to be pleasant whenever we do run into each other at work."

This woman doesn't care about anybody but herself. What do you think her bf would think if he knew she'd be hanging out, when not necessary at work on a "special day," with a guy who has a crush on her? This is not a woman you should care about breaking plans with.

And it's obvious, even after all she's shown you about herself, that if next week she said it didn't work out with her bf and she was free to go out with you, that you'd jump at that opportunity.

As I said in another post, you won't have any good luck when you think so lowly of yourself.

Be alone until you achieve this, and then why not try Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. You will at least know these are single women willing to date, and they will be outside of the work environment. Don't be so passive about "Well, if she doesn't text me she'll be doing me a favor." Nonsense. Take action and block her. You need to be the driver of your life, not be some passenger where another driver is in charge, letting you on or kicking you off.

Thank you for this comment. You’re right I probably still have some silly hope that things may work out. I need to stop giving into these fantasies and be realistic. 
 

she tried calling me last night but I missed her call. So you think I should just block her number?

[toughlove1993]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Dude, this girl is using you. You have got to stop this, as it's making you look desperate and without any self-respect:

What are you thinking? 

She has a boyfriend. You are the filler for when her boyfriend isn't paying attention to her. You are telling her you will gladly wait around in second-place. 

Forget her. She's not into you the way you are into her, and you badly need to work on your own boundaries so you don't pander to silly girls who use you to boost their own ego. 

She tried calling me last night but I missed her call as I was downstairs. 

So you think she just wants to use me? I did not want to come across as bitter but you’re right looking at those messages I seem to be acting like I am happy to be her extra?

I would have thought she would have backed off knowing I wanted to date her again but it seems you are right when you say I am potentially being used?

I honestly feel like c rap, I honestly don’t mean to do the wrong thing but it seems I am just too naive when it comes to dating :’(

[left due to request]

6 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

She tried calling me last night but I missed her call as I was downstairs. 

So you think she just wants to use me? I did not want to come across as bitter but you’re right looking at those messages I seem to be acting like I am happy to be her extra?

I would have thought she would have backed off knowing I wanted to date her again but it seems you are right when you say I am potentially being used?

I honestly feel like c rap, I honestly don’t mean to do the wrong thing but it seems I am just too naive when it comes to dating :’(

I really don't think she has a bad intentions or using you.  In most relationship, there will be some issues that needs to be resolved.  During that hard time, some people look for help.  Some seek advises from family, friends and that's right, from someone she used to know.  I think you're that person for her.  

You can choose to be there for her or not.  Simply blocking her number does absolutely nothing since you will eventually unblock her and will wonder about her.  Most situations are NOT either one way or the other.  I know some with bad experiences will tell you to simply back off since it was their experience, but some may not. 

If you have no interest in this girl drop her like a rock. But I think you do.  If she can't be your partner, why not have her as a friend.  If you don't want her as a friend, then I think you know what to do.

For me, I would not call her back unless she calls again.  I will hear her out then give her my perspective on the situation she's dealing with.  That's it.  No expectation and no commitment.  I was in a similar situation as you are in now and I'm still a good friend to her, as she is for me.

Life isn't always black and white.  Sooner we realize this, sooner we can enjoy our lives.  Sometimes the friendships lasts longer than the marriage.  As a matter of fact, it always last longer than marriage. If you only want her for your partner, then there is no need to block her number or call her back. 

She will wait for your replies and if there are none, she will move on as well.  Absolutely no need for extreme actions.

 

[toughlove1993]

4 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

I really don't think she has a bad intentions or using you.  In most relationship, there will be some issues that needs to be resolved.  During that hard time, some people look for help.  Some seek advises from family, friends and that's right, from someone she used to know.  I think you're that person for her.  

You can choose to be there for her or not.  Simply blocking her number does absolutely nothing since you will eventually unblock her and will wonder about her.  Most situations are NOT either one way or the other.  I know some with bad experiences will tell you to simply back off since it was their experience, but some may not. 

If you have no interest in this girl drop her like a rock. But I think you do.  If she can't be your partner, why not have her as a friend.  If you don't want her as a friend, then I think you know what to do.

For me, I would not call her back unless she calls again.  I will hear her out then give her my perspective on the situation she's dealing with.  That's it.  No expectation and no commitment.  I was in a similar situation as you are in now and I'm still a good friend to her, as she is for me.

Life isn't always black and white.  Sooner we realize this, sooner we can enjoy our lives.  Sometimes the friendships lasts longer than the marriage.  As a matter of fact, it always last longer than marriage. If you only want her for your partner, then there is no need to block her number or call her back. 

She will wait for your replies and if there are none, she will move on as well.  Absolutely no need for extreme actions.

 

Thank you. I do still like her but I would not do anything to mess up her relationship. My concern with remaining friends is it keeps my emotions to her attached and I’ll be sitting around waiting for her? Of course I feel this may not be the case as I’ll probably move on in the next few weeks when it truly sinks in she won’t be getting with me. 
 

I personally don’t like blocking people. If she sends me a message, I will reply but I will certainly not go chasing her if she stops contact. 
 

I need to start looking for other people to date so I don’t keep latching on to one person like this. 

[boltnrun]

I don't think you should pretend to be friends. Because what you're actually hoping is she calls or messages you someday soon saying "I broke up with my boyfriend and I want to date you!" Except you already know she's the type to hit up other men while she's in a relationship. Would you want her hitting up other guys if she was your girlfriend?

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

So you think she just wants to use me?

Without any shadow of a doubt. 

7 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I did not want to come across as bitter but you’re right looking at those messages I seem to be acting like I am happy to be her extra?

Very extra. 

 

[toughlove1993]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Without any shadow of a doubt. 

Very extra. 

 

 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think you should pretend to be friends. Because what you're actually hoping is she calls or messages you someday soon saying "I broke up with my boyfriend and I want to date you!" Except you already know she's the type to hit up other men while she's in a relationship. Would you want her hitting up other guys if she was your girlfriend?

Hey guys,

So an update, I spoke to her over the phone about 2 hours ago. I called her as I missed her call last night and told her I would call today. We just had a general chit chat and I wanted to see what she thought about me asking her out by saying "sorry if I made you feel awkward yesterday by asking you out, I didn't know you were with someone" she replied saying "it's fine, don't worry, I can't blame a guy for shooting his shot". I did not get any sense of romantic interest from her or that she may be testing out the water if she's having issues with her current partner. She did not mention him much at all.

I guess this confirms that indeed her interests may lie in her seeing me as a "friend"? I do still find it a little weird that she's continue this knowing I still like her. I never saw her as someone who would deliberately try to use someone. People in the company we both work for generally say I am someone who is reliable and compassionate so maybe she just wants me in her life. Someone told me today to just remain friends and see what happens. I know this is not good for me because as you both said, she is with someone and I'll just be sitting around hoping for her to jump into my arms at some point. This is already starting to affect me, after my phone call with her my friend saw me and said "why do you look angry?". 

 I know blocking her is an option but I don't feel I can do that for multiple reasons - I am just being honest with you. I think in the coming days, I'll just have to delay how much and how fast I message her until I get to a point where I only occasionally reply to her like I would any other person? The only issue here is if I become absent again from her life- she'll end up "missing" me again and keep getting in touch? 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/14/2023 at 4:38 PM, toughlove1993 said:

. I know the "besties" comment is a little bit of a red flag as it could mean she wants to be friend,

The only thing she ever offered was friends, unfortunately the rest was wishful thinking 

So if you're ok with that fine but if you want to date, you'll need to find other women.

[toughlove1993]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The only thing she ever offered was friends, unfortunately the rest was wishful thinking 

So if you're ok with that fine but if you want to date, you'll need to find other women.

Hi I just posted an updated comment above. I'd like your thoughts on it if you don't mind. At this moment in time I still like her so being only "friends" is hard for me. I mean surely she understands that too? Surely she knows it will be hard for me. Which is why I am confused why she seems keen to stay in touch. 

My options are obviously limited- I mean she has a boyfriend and I will never do anything to ruin another man's relationship. I'll have to start looking into online dating again. I need to find someone else.

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I am confused why she seems keen to stay in touch

Because when she asked if the work thing was still on you enthusiastically said "Yes!!" So she thinks you're fine with being "friends". 

If you're not fine with it and your heart is going to leap every time you get a message or call from her you will not be emotionally available to other women.