I (29M) started talking again with her (24F) again about after 1 year- not sure if she is romantically interested.

[toughlove1993]

So about a year ago I (29M) dated her (22F) from work and it only lasted about 1 week. In that week we went on 3 dates, in the end she broke it off and said "it's just too much" and things did not end on very good terms tbh. She had a lot going on in her life and suffers from depression, anxiety and trust issues as she was abused in the past. I tend to be quite caring and I feel like she found it hard to to see me as genuine.

On new years day this year I sent her a message wishing her a happy new year and she replied likewise. On Tuesday I got a voice message from her Whastapp but it was her friend rather than her. Her friend said they just wanted to see how I was doing and if I was married etc and that the girl I dated said " Oh I miss him" and she wanted to be "besties" with me. Since Tuesday we've been having general chit chat on whatsapp. I assumed she wanted to talk with me again but was shy to initiate it herself so got her friend to start it off. Now after one year, we are talking again.

I have not seen much signs of romantic interest. She has not asked to meet up or anything. I know the "besties" comment is a little bit of a red flag as it could mean she wants to be friend, but I feel like she could also be shy to express anything more? I feel it would be strange if she gets her friend to tell me she misses me after a year only to want to be friends? Anyway, I don't want to push her away again by coming across intense but I also don't want this to drag on. I want to date her again if possible. Since it's been a good few days now since we started talking do you think if I say "Hey, do you fancy meeting up? I'd be nice to see you again" would be a good way to measure her interest? I would really appreciate some advise.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

 "Hey, do you fancy meeting up? I'd be nice to see you again" would be a good way to measure her interest? 

 Yes,ask her to meet up for a drink or coffee. It's either a yes or a no. If she won't meet, free yourself from this and move forward. But don't get wrapped up in the friendzone with someone if dating is what you want.

[Andrina]

6 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

She had a lot going on in her life and suffers from depression, anxiety and trust issues as she was abused in the past.

A person like this whose depression isn't under control with meds and therapy, added upon that severe emotional baggage isn't relationship material, clear and simple.

And you label yourself as caring, yet you likely have a White Knight complex. People with that complex feel they are doing the right thing, but they really can't save anyone and end up getting dragged down into the muck themselves.

Even more, it's juvenile behavior to get a friend to intervene and be a mouthpiece for her. 

Don't accept those breadcrumbs and don't get pulled into a relationship 100 percent on a path to failure. 

You have a lot to learn about dating wisely, and getting together 3 times the very first week is way too much. It's a sign you have nothing fulfilling going on in your life outside of dating, and that will make you look like a barnacle. Keep up with your hobbies/interests, hanging with friends, and everything else you normally do when not dating.

Read some books about dating properly if you've had a pattern of failure in that area. 

Good luck.

 

[Kwothe28]

7 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I have not seen much signs of romantic interest. She has not asked to meet up or anything. I know the "besties" comment is a little bit of a red flag as it could mean she wants to be friend

If it smells like a chicken and tastes like a chicken, its chicken, not pork.

I wouldnt read too much into that. She made it very clear that she doesnt want to be with you. The reason is irrelevant. Whether she didnt like you very much, she has depression or any other BS reason you think she has for not wanting to be with you. Its irrelevant, all that matters is taht she didnt see you in her life. That didnt changed.

Only thing it did changed is that she misses your attention. Just because she has a dry spell(btw I can bet despite her "depression" she dated in the meantime) and wants somebody orbiting, doesnt mean she would be with you. She just wants somebody there. And you are a prime simp candidate for that role.

So I would advise you against that. That woman would never look at you in a romantic sense. Because if she would she would be romantic, she wouldnt say to her friend to message you(or you think she did it on her own lol) but would do it herself. She misses an  orbiter. Not a man that she would date.

[toughlove1993]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

A person like this whose depression isn't under control with meds and therapy, added upon that severe emotional baggage isn't relationship material, clear and simple.

And you label yourself as caring, yet you likely have a White Knight complex. People with that complex feel they are doing the right thing, but they really can't save anyone and end up getting dragged down into the muck themselves.

Even more, it's juvenile behavior to get a friend to intervene and be a mouthpiece for her. 

Don't accept those breadcrumbs and don't get pulled into a relationship 100 percent on a path to failure. 

You have a lot to learn about dating wisely, and getting together 3 times the very first week is way too much. It's a sign you have nothing fulfilling going on in your life outside of dating, and that will make you look like a barnacle. Keep up with your hobbies/interests, hanging with friends, and everything else you normally do when not dating.

Read some books about dating properly if you've had a pattern of failure in that area. 

Good luck.

 

You are right. Sadly because I don't date much when I do date I end up messing things up. So you feel I should not even ask for her a meet up to see what she is interested in?

[toughlove1993]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If it smells like a chicken and tastes like a chicken, its chicken, not pork.

I wouldnt read too much into that. She made it very clear that she doesnt want to be with you. The reason is irrelevant. Whether she didnt like you very much, she has depression or any other BS reason you think she has for not wanting to be with you. Its irrelevant, all that matters is taht she didnt see you in her life. That didnt changed.

Only thing it did changed is that she misses your attention. Just because she has a dry spell(btw I can bet despite her "depression" she dated in the meantime) and wants somebody orbiting, doesnt mean she would be with you. She just wants somebody there. And you are a prime simp candidate for that role.

So I would advise you against that. That woman would never look at you in a romantic sense. Because if she would she would be romantic, she wouldnt say to her friend to message you(or you think she did it on her own lol) but would do it herself. She misses an  orbiter. Not a man that she would date.

Your comment did hurt, but because I know it's true.

She did date someone else since we dated. I feel like she was shy to restart the conversation herself so she got her friend to do that. Would you feel I would be doing something wrong if I popped in a "do you fancy meeting up, be nice to see you" comment? I know my chances with her are probably small for the reasons you very astutely mentioned but I honestly feel much better if I at least tried to see what she wants. If she does not want to meet up then I will respect myself enough to not pursue things with her.

[toughlove1993]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Yes,ask her to meet up for a drink or coffee. It's either a yes or a no. If she won't meet, free yourself from this and move forward. But don't get wrapped up in the friendzone with someone if dating is what you want.

Thank you for your comment. Yes I feel I would be more relieved if I try to gauge her interest. If she says no, then it's a sign for me to remove any romantic expectations. I don't want to drag this any longer than it needs to be.

[Andrina]

8 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

So you feel I should not even ask for her a meet up to see what she is interested in?

If you fully digested what I wrote, the answer to this is no. You're obviously lacking in self-worth. You're not going to date wisely until that problem is rectified. Read books on how you can improve your self-worth and/or seek therapy. There are pretty women free of the issues she has, but to gain their interest, you need to like yourself and exude confidence. Doormats are not attractive. As George Lucas told a young Carrie Fisher who was in an affair with married Harrison Ford, "Look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself." In her case, she didn't value herself to allow that inappropriate relationship.

This woman likes the ego boost of you having a crush on her. That's it! Don't let her bat you around for her amusement like she's a cat and you're the mouse or lizard. 

[Batya33]

I think she wants to be buddies and it’s quite childish to have her friend reach out.  Maybe date her friend?

[toughlove1993]

8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If you fully digested what I wrote, the answer to this is no. You're obviously lacking in self-worth. You're not going to date wisely until that problem is rectified. Read books on how you can improve your self-worth and/or seek therapy. There are pretty women free of the issues she has, but to gain their interest, you need to like yourself and exude confidence. Doormats are not attractive. As George Lucas told a young Carrie Fisher who was in an affair with married Harrison Ford, "Look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself." In her case, she didn't value herself to allow that inappropriate relationship.

This woman likes the ego boost of you having a crush on her. That's it! Don't let her bat you around for her amusement like she's a cat and you're the mouse or lizard. 

You know its strange, I am generally a confident man. I have a good job, decent salary, dress well etc. But I don't tend to date much because I rarely come across single people. I tried online dating and deactivated my account after 2 months. If I like someone, I approach them face to face and ask them out. You are right, it seems she may just want me for my attention. I guess I need to make it clear I will not be a comfort toy. I think the reason why I still have her in my mind is because despite her issues, she is actually a sweet person but I am going o do my best to follow your advise.

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Would you feel I would be doing something wrong if I popped in a "do you fancy meeting up, be nice to see you" comment?

You wouldnt be doing something wrong. Heck, its beter then not to know where you stand. But the problem is that you could also get nothing even if she says "yes" to that. She can go out with you and still not be with you. So again, if she isnt exhibiting romantic interests and just craves attention, that means you are an orbiter, not boyfriend material, sorry. And going out with you would just boost her ego. Person like that isnt thinking about you. Just about herself and her entertainment. Because that is what you are to her, just a form of entertainment until somebody other who she likes appears. So I wouldnt stick around for that.

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she wants to be buddies and it’s quite childish to have her friend reach out.  Maybe date her friend?

My late Grandma had a nice story about that. And how a man asked Grandma friend whether she would like to meet his firend. And she said "But I like matchmaker more". They married later lol

Anyway, OP would do more to gauge interest of original girl with that move then with asking her out. As she would probably got jealous at her friend. But that would be playing games and wouldnt be OK.

[toughlove1993]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she wants to be buddies and it’s quite childish to have her friend reach out.  Maybe date her friend?

It's weird, I mean why try to get in touch with me after a YEAR and say you miss me and say want to be 'besties". I'll tell you, I have no interest in a friendship without romantic elements with her. 

[toughlove1993]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You wouldnt be doing something wrong. Heck, its beter then not to know where you stand. But the problem is that you could also get nothing even if she says "yes" to that. She can go out with you and still not be with you. So again, if she isnt exhibiting romantic interests and just craves attention, that means you are an orbiter, not boyfriend material, sorry. And going out with you would just boost her ego. Person like that isnt thinking about you. Just about herself and her entertainment. Because that is what you are to her, just a form of entertainment until somebody other who she likes appears. So I wouldnt stick around for that.

My late Grandma had a nice story about that. And how a man asked Grandma friend whether she would like to meet his firend. And she said "But I like matchmaker more". They married later lol

Anyway, OP would do more to gauge interest of original girl with that move then with asking her out. As she would probably got jealous at her friend. But that would be playing games and wouldnt be OK.

You are 100% right of course. If she says no, then its over. If she says yes then I'll just see where I stand with her when we meet I'll know whether this will go anywhere- if I feel she is doing as what you say I.e using me as an ego boost, then she wont meet see me ever again. I suppose I could just ask her directly for a date on Whatsapp but I have a feeling she'll just feel under pressure again. Regardless, I am not in the mood for games with her. I will not let last year repeat itself. Ideally I would not even pursue her but sadly as you know we can't so easily control our desires. 

By the way, how long do you think its best to leave it before asking her for a meet up? w've been talking since Tuesday. I was going to ask her on Monday.

 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

Would you feel I would be doing something wrong if I popped in a "do you fancy meeting up, be nice to see you" comment?

No, nothing wrong with that. You don't have anything to lose, and it will answer your questions.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

On Tuesday I got a voice message from her Whastapp but it was her friend rather than her. Her friend said they just wanted to see how I was doing and if I was married etc and that the girl I dated said " Oh I miss him" and she wanted to be "besties" with me.

This is quite immature. This something a teen might do, not a woman in her 20s. 

She therefore isn't ready to date anyway, if she's doing juevnile things like the above. What's she going to do, ask her friend to come along with her on a date? I would keep moving. Don't waste your time on this. 

[left due to request]

@toughlove1993  officially, she didn't reach out to you after an year, you did.  Of course her friend may had something to do with it, but the bottom line is that you reached out.  Why is this important?  She probably thinks that you're reaching out to be a friend.  So asking for a meeting to discuss romantic relationship may totally be obscene and insulting to her.

NO means no. It wasn't a maybe or possibly.  I don't think you need to find out anything since I don't believe she made any suggestions to change your platonic relationship.  Keep in touch with her if you have no other intention but being friends but if anything more than that, stop investing your time and look for someone else.

good luck

[toughlove1993]

30 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

@toughlove1993  officially, she didn't reach out to you after an year, you did.  Of course her friend may had something to do with it, but the bottom line is that you reached out.  Why is this important?  She probably thinks that you're reaching out to be a friend.  So asking for a meeting to discuss romantic relationship may totally be obscene and insulting to her.

NO means no. It wasn't a maybe or possibly.  I don't think you need to find out anything since I don't believe she made any suggestions to change your platonic relationship.  Keep in touch with her if you have no other intention but being friends but if anything more than that, stop investing your time and look for someone else.

good luck

Few points to note.

I did not mention these in my statement so obviously you would not know them but a couple of months before new years she texted me asking to call me about some issue. She did it as a favour but she did not need to contact me, at the time I felt it was strange that she asked to phone me about it but I did appreciate it. So technically she did initiate it. 

Secondly, last year she did mention being friends after ending the our dating, I told her straight up that I had no intentions of being friends with her and that she should get back to me if she wants something more. So I made that clear.

Having her friend use her whatsapp and saying "I miss him" and them saying " we are wondering what you are up, are you are married" obviously makes me wonder what she really wants. Could it be she wants to be friends? yes, but my wishing someone a happy new years does not exactly mean I took back what I said to them last year. 

Hopefully you can get why I am confused. 

I don't want to drag this with her, I have not changed my mind about being friends. Yesterday I sent her a message but she has not responded to that as of yet as it seems she has not been online and was probably busy. Depending on her respond I may either ask her for a meet-up or if her response to me does not allow me to ask her out then I will write a nice "glad you have a nice weekend" etc and then not message her again until she texts me and showed some interest. What do you think?

[left due to request]

Well since you already texted her, I think what you can do is done.  If she say no to a meeting, there's no reason for you type back.  If she says yes, then be up front with your intention so save yourself some time.  If she doesn't write you back, then consider that a no and move on.  At this point, you really don't have much to lose or wonder.

[toughlove1993]

7 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Well since you already texted her, I think what you can do is done.  If she say no to a meeting, there's no reason for you type back.  If she says yes, then be up front with your intention so save yourself some time.  If she doesn't write you back, then consider that a no and move on.  At this point, you really don't have much to lose or wonder.

No I have not actually sent her a text yet asking her for a meet.

She said she was going out to see a film and my last message to her was basically asking her to let me know what she thought of the movie and to have a good weekend. And she has not responded yet. I think if her respond to this will be a relatively cold "it was a good movie" or something on those line then I'll reply "Glad you enjoyed it" and then not message her again until she starts to message me. If she respond and asks me how my day is etc then I'll drop the meeting comment. Me asking to meet her should HOPEFULLY be obvious to her what my intentions are, if not then I'll make it clear anyway.

[toughlove1993]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is quite immature. This something a teen might do, not a woman in her 20s. 

She therefore isn't ready to date anyway, if she's doing juevnile things like the above. What's she going to do, ask her friend to come along with her on a date? I would keep moving. Don't waste your time on this. 

I just assumed she was really shy to start conversing with me again. But maybe I am just making excuses for her...

[left due to request]

1 minute ago, toughlove1993 said:

No I have no actually sent her a text asking her for a meet.

She said she was going out to see a film and my last message to her was basically asking her to let me know what she thought of the movie and to have a good weekend. And she has not responded yet. I think if her respond to this will be a relatively cold "it was a good movie" or something on those line then I'll reply "Glad you enjoyed it" and then not message her again until she starts to message me. If she respond and asks me how my day is etc then I'll drop the meeting comment. Me asking for a meeting should HOPEFULLY be obvious to her what my intentions are, if not then I'll make it clear anyway.

ummm.. I don't see  that your text was obvious but perhaps she may think so?  I would have asked if she wanted me to come with her to the movie but you answered that differently and expecting a flat answer.  I don't think she will get your message of meeting with you so I think this is all good.  It's a big ocean.

[toughlove1993]

1 minute ago, rsml123 said:

ummm.. I don't see  that your text was obvious but perhaps she may think so?  I would have asked if she wanted me to come with her to the movie but you answered that differently and expecting a flat answer.  I don't think she will get your message of meeting with you so I think this is all good.  It's a big ocean.

Oh I did not mean for my last text to her to make her think I want to meet her. It was only after sending that text that I thought about whether to ask her for a meet-up. I give it a small chance that anything will come out of this chatting after a year, but I'll feel better for my own closure if I would at least see what she would say if I offer her a day out. I know you personally don't think it's a good idea for me to do this, but if you were in my shoes, how would you ask her out?

[left due to request]

3 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Oh I did not mean for my last text to her to make her think I want to meet her. It was only after sending that text that I thought about whether to ask her for a meet-up. I give it a small chance that anything will come out of this chatting after a year, but I'll feel better for my own closure if I would at least see what she would say if I offer her a day out. I know you personally don't think it's a good idea for me to do this, but if you were in my shoes, how would you ask her out?

I wouldn't ask her out and leave her in a friend zone if I were in your shoes.  She made herself clear and I don't think I would be guessing at this time.

[toughlove1993]

4 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

I wouldn't ask her out and leave her in a friend zone if I were in your shoes.  She made herself clear and I don't think I would be guessing at this time.

I honestly see where you're coming from. But that's the thing, I don't know if she is doing a good job making herself clear. I mean I just find it strange why she would get back in touch like she did. I suppose I wont lose anything by asking her out to gauge her intentions. If I sense anything non-romantic from her then I'll walk away for good from her. I will not give her more 2 chances with me. In the meantime I am looking for other potential dates with new people anyway.

Thank you.

[left due to request]

3 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I honestly see where you're coming from. But that's the thing, I don't know if she is doing a good job making herself clear. I mean I just find it strange why she would get back in touch like she did. I suppose I wont lose anything by asking her out to gauge her intentions. If I sense anything non-romantic from her then I'll walk away for good from her. I will not give her more 2 chances with me. In the meantime I am looking for other potential dates with new people anyway.

Thank you.

I can understand what you are going through as well but it's often difficult to get a yes or no answers from most people.   I hope you hear what you want from this girl and wish you the best of luck.