Help, relationship advice needed! Can I ask my ex to ask his housemates to start paying rent if he wants to get back together?

[CourtneyNicole]

Hi guys! I would love to reach out to you all in hopes to get some relationship advice for the situation I've put myself in yet again. 

I'll try to keep it short but basically when I was 20, I was studying abroad in Australia when I met my boyfriend who was 27. We are now 26 and 33. He had a ton of childhood trauma that he never worked through and used a drugs and alcohol to cope, and I had an emotionally unavailable dad so I always needed attention from someone at all times. He was emotionally abusive when he got drunk so our relationship turned extremely toxic very quickly. We spent four years in this on and off relationship until it ended up blowing up and I slept with someone in his friendship group a couple weeks after we technically broke up but we were still talking. I had to leave the country to go back to California where I got stuck there for a year waiting for a visa to get back to Australia. I got some therapy, and we would talk every couple of months but we both never got over each other.

When we were broken up a year before all this happened, my ex was on a dating app and met a girl living in Sweden who was moving to Australia. They become really good friends and would text all the time. After I slept with his friend and left the country, they remained friends and she moved into his place in Australia. He works two weeks on at a mine so he was happy to have her living there so the house wasn't empty while he was at work. She's been living there for about 10 months now, without paying a cent in rent (she is 31). She is in love with him but he isn't attracted to her and I trust him that they haven't done anything more than cuddle on the couch a couple times. But she is still hoping he will fall for her. 

Then a few months ago, his other friend, a 40 year old speech pathologist decided she wanted to go to art school, so my ex offered a room to her too free of rent. She likely has a ton of money saved from being a speech therapist. So now he is housing two women who don't pay rent. 

I just arrived back in Australia a week ago, and we immediately fall back in love with each other, and I can tell things are a lot different now. We haven't seen each other in 14 months, and we've worked on our drinking problems, our conflict resolution skills, and things are looking really positive for us for once. Ive told him though that I'm not comfortable with his situation and if we get into a relationship again then I will need the girls to pay rent. He also says he doesn't have money to go on big trips because his property fees keep going up. He says that he will never charge these girls rent as he has already told them they never need to pay rent. This makes me feel like I can't really build a life with this guy, and he is not ready for a relationship. 

 

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to ask these girls to start paying rent if he wants to give our relationship another go? 

[Popcorn]

Hi friend, tbh I think you shouldn't consider falling for him ..here are a few things I noticed:

If he was emotionally abusive in the past,chances are you didn't matter a lot in his pov. I know people can have unresolved traumas but by no means it gives you a reason to abuse someone,especially your loved ones.

 

Secondly,keeping women in his house whether they pay rent or not is also a big red flag according to me.. See,they might be his close friends but is he the only guy in the whole city to give them a place to live? Don't they have other friends. Also,the speech therapist could easily rent any other place cause she has her savings and that other girl would try her best to make your guy fall for her...and yes,about the guy,no matter how much you trust him,if he truly wants to be yours he'd leave no room for doubt and considering that he works 2 weeks at a mine...what about other two weeks...I'm sorry girl but it feels rather weird. Stay safe!

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, CourtneyNicole said:

So now he is housing two women who don't pay rent. 

Yeah, I think they pay in "other ways".

Also you are an ex. You cant really ask for anything as you are not together. Even if you are together, you cant make emotional ultimatums like that to him.

Also, also, you should have continued therapy. Because you are far from being healed if your "go to" after that therapy is to go back to your toxic boyfriend(who is having 2 women living with him and likely has sex with them) and try to make ultimatums to him. You learned exactly nothing on that therapy or at least failed to implement it.

[Batya33]

Agree with Kwothe28.  At most I would go on dates with him in public and stay sober and get to know him from a distance.  Do not move in with him unless you two are going to get engaged and get your own place that you each can afford.  And wait at least a year to do so after dating each other and living in your own places. I think you will see in the first few dates you and he are not on the same wavelength as far as being in a potentially serious and healthful relationship.

You're also not ready for a relationship if you're considering moving in wiht him again just because you "fell in love immediately" - you both want some sort of insta-relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, CourtneyNicole said:

 He says that he will never charge these girls rent as he has already told them they never need to pay rent. 

Unfortunately he doesn't seem as Into restarting the relationship as you are. Whether his housemates pay rent or not won't change that.

[Batya33]

I'll add that if he does this "for you" then you're going to likely have him be resentful and his 
"roommates" because they will know why. They might move out but it sounds like he is friendly with them so you will have to be around them and be the one who spoiled all the fun. Also no, a speech pathologist does not necessarily have $ and might have loans.  You also are making an odd assumption that so long as your ex only wants to "cuddle" with the roommate that has the hots for him it's all good and it's appropriate for him to share living space with her and not charge her rent. What exactly are you "immediately in love" with here?

[Jaunty]

You two have a ton of stuff to work through to get to a point where you'd have a viable relationship; these women paying rent won't touch any of it.  

[Andrina]

Whatever life goals a person has, they set their life up to achieve that. A man with a goal of having an exclusive lifetime partner would live alone. His household would be conducive to get togethers in his home with his one love, without "roomies," unless in your early twenties when that's normal and a person is getting his/her first start away from a parent's home.

He's 33. Well beyond that "first start." 

You've communicated your wishes and he doesn't care.

You can't have closure when you're always in contact with him. And yeah, a week of heady sex will have you thinking in a fantasy world that you're both so ready for everything to be close to perfection in your relationship. Yet you're already stressed out about his decision making skills.

When you get time and distance away from him with NO CONTACT, you will shake your head at your own decision-making skills for wanting to get back together with this childish man.

[smackie9]

You gave him an ultimatum and now you have your answer....there won't be any relationship.

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to ask us when you've already asked him, and his answer was, "No".

If he were invested in a real relationship with you, he'd give those roomies the heave-ho, but he's not doing that. He'll enjoy your benefits, same as with them. 

So the question becomes, with millions of people across the world, why narrow your whole focus down to one guy who doesn't even want what you want?

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, CourtneyNicole said:

This makes me feel like I can't really build a life with this guy, and he is not ready for a relationship. 

I don't think he really wants a relationship with you. This is a "convenient" excuse to avoid committing to you without telling you he doesn't want to be your boyfried again. 

He enjoys having these women on call at home. Make no mistake, he's set it up this way on purpose. He doesn't want them gone. 

I'm sorry OP, but you need to read the writing on the wall here. He is not on the same page as you at all and it doesn't appear he wants to be. 

 

 

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, CourtneyNicole said:

This makes me feel like I can't really build a life with this guy, and he is not ready for a relationship. 

Excellent deducement. 

[SooSad33]

Yup, good answers.

Whatever he's got going with 'his home', really has nothing to do with you.  If HE chooses to house them this way, it's up to him.  Not you, his once 'ex', who has returned.

I suggest you take all of this really slow.  He has NOT proven anything to you yet as in, that he won't return to his ways again ( past behaviour).  Remember, things are always great in the beginning.

He needs to prove himself to you.

So, how about you get your own place and just 'test the waters', for the next while.  Do hang outs and go from there.

Yeah, this was his choice to deal with these women this way and of course, most of us will agree, that's odd to allow people to live in your quarters 'for free'.  But, this is how it is with him. 

So, if you really want to, you will.  Just proceed with caution. 

[HeartGoesOn]

12 hours ago, CourtneyNicole said:

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to ask these girls to start paying rent if he wants to give our relationship another go? 

Yes it is.   I assume he owns the home, therefore he can chose who ever he wants to live there.

I think you're asking for trouble in regards to giving the relationship another go. On the other hand, what has asking these girls to start paying rent have to do with giving this relationship another go   Am I missing something here?