I can't find the courage to break up

[catfeeder]

What if you could just do the right thing for yourself without worrying about the right time or having a plan or feeling a need to orchestrate the 'right' ending and recovery?

That's too tall an order. Couples break up everyday. Some even need to untangle shared children and property and investments. 

All you need to do is make the break in any way you want, even if it's by a measly text, and then give yourself your moment to experience a loss, and, when you are ready, figure out how you want to navigate yourself forward.

Am I minimizing the pain of fallout? Yes and no. Everybody suffers breakup grief to one degree or another. It's not deadly. What if you decided that you will operate in your best interests first, THEN learn how to minimize your pain as you move forward?

Head high, and do what you need to do. THEN we can help.

[Kartoff]

On 1/28/2023 at 9:36 PM, catfeeder said:

What if you could just do the right thing for yourself without worrying about the right time or having a plan or feeling a need to orchestrate the 'right' ending and recovery?

.

Yeah I guess I am trying the impossible here, and I am probably procrastinating in what I need to do.

I am tired, I know I should not feel like this

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

Yeah I guess I am trying the impossible here, and I am probably procrastinating in what I need to do.

I am tired, I know I should not feel like this

You can feel how you feel.  Feelings aren't facts.  You choose the reaction.  Today I had to do something I so did not feel like doing and made sure I did by putting a reminder in my phone and then forcing myself to do it.  I have to do this at times when I am tired, when I don't feel like it, when I feel scared.  It's totally ok to feel how you feel.

[Kartoff]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You can feel how you feel.  Feelings aren't facts.  You choose the reaction.  Today I had to do something I so did not feel like doing and made sure I did by putting a reminder in my phone and then forcing myself to do it.  I have to do this at times when I am tired, when I don't feel like it, when I feel scared.  It's totally ok to feel how you feel.

Sorry I meant I should not feel like I need to wait for the perfect moment. I should valur myself more. Yesterday I had a talk with her and she told me how she noticed I am like a "hero". I put everyone else needs before mine.

Anyways today I have a bad day. I am with an asthma attack(the spa is gonna be fun), she is ultra weird which I get is normal and I cant focus in anything. I want to get well,being sick and asthma in particular affect me a lot mentally so I want to be clear.

I am not gonna lie, I don't know what I am going to do. But I have decided to have a serious conversation with her when I heal. Hopefully before spa day

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kartoff said:

Yesterday I had a talk with her and she told me how she noticed I am like a "hero". I put everyone else needs before mine.

I don't think that makes you a hero -do you? Ever hear that saying "put on your oxygen mask first before helping someone else?" I think you do this from a place of being a people pleaser not from a position of confidence, despite the good intentions.  As a parent I've learned to tell my son -for years now -he is almost 14- about when he has to wait for non-emergency requests if I am -enjoying a meal (no not for hours -I mean for 20-30 minutes I do not want to be disturbed so I can eat like a person, sitting, at a reasonable pace) or have to go work out, or am on an important phone call. 

He thinks I'm a great mom (except when I am embarrasing him by my very presence).  And even more so when I am firm with him and tell him no in those instances. You have to show people you have boundaries, you take care of yourself-nothing heroic about always asking how high to jump.  Being a martyr is not heroic.

I hope you feel better!

[Kartoff]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

.  Being a martyr is not heroic.

I hope you feel better!

I totally agree. I dont feel like a hero at all, but that was she said. 

It actually anger me a bit. She also used to call me a charming prince.

I am just trying to do my best, but I am not perfect nor I want to. I don't like to be the "hero" because what I am is a martyr as you say.

This is one thing I am working actively with my therapist who I go to try and improve as a person, for myself.

You seem like a great mom. Thanks for everything!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kartoff said:

This is one thing I am working actively with my therapist who I go to try and improve as a person, for myself.

I'd caution you -a lot -not to choose "I want to improve as a person" as a goal.  What does that even mean? Make sure you know what it means down to the nitty gritty and down to what you can do every day -or at least every other day -that is an "improvement" or a step towards a nitty gritty improvement.  

For example let's say you interviewed someone for a job.  You saw the person had done a 4 year degree and majored in a liberal arts course of study- meaning it wasn't something definable about the specific job like studying to be a massage therapist and applying to be one.  You ask the future employee -why did you major in political science and how does that relate to working as an assistant to a financial advisor? What if the person said "oh because I wanted to improve as a person and I did so I will now be a better assistant."

Imagine if you tell a potential date that your goal is to "improve as a person" - if she asks you what you want out of life.  By contrast what if you said "That's a big question and I don't want to be too abstract -  but for now I'm trying to improve in how I balance my work during the busy season where I'm asked to stay late/work weekends with the volunteer work I just took on designing sets for a community theater production of Some Like it Hot - I realized if I say yes to everything to do with both I won't do my best at either so for the next 3 months until opening night I'm practicing saying no when I can and seeing what else in my life I can put on hold for a bit." 

(And this way if your date really means - do you want to own a home/get a promotion/have kids - you make your date ask specific questions so you don't have cliched/irrelevant discussions.

One of the first questions my future husband asked me on our very first lunch date when we were in our late 20s was why I picked the career we both had at the time.  He didn't know there was a whole back story that had started when I was 14 and I gave him the shortened version -but he told me later he wanted to make sure I was passionate about my career and/or had plans to do something else I was passionate about.  I did in part pursue my career to improve as a person - but if I had simply told him that he'd have found it a throwaway line most likely despite how cute I was lol.  

Don't cut yourself slack with "I want to improve as a person" -you don't need a therapist for that -the therapist should help you work on self-improvement in very specific ways and make you do the work of identifying what actions you can take today and tomorrow that have the goal of improving in a specific way.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Kartoff said:

I dont feel like a hero at all, but that was she said. 

White Knight Syndrome

Term used to describe someone who feels compelled to “rescue” people in intimate relationships, often at the expense of their own needs.

I think its a pretty accurate description of your case where you refuse to break up because she has an exam. Are you angry because you know she is wrong? Or because you know she is right on some level?