I can't find the courage to break up

[MissCanuck]

It's not just about trust though, OP. 

It's her basic lack of interest in you as a boyfriend. A woman who is really into you is not going to do things that jeopardize her relationship. She'll be too busy making goo-goo eyes at you to notice other guys, much less make a point of meeting them or talking to them or bringing them up to you.

Rebuilding the trust is pointless when it is obvious she does not feel the same way about you. 

[JohnLee]

On 1/12/2023 at 11:51 PM, Kartoff said:

30 years both, two years together. I love my gf. I wanted to live with her and create something together.

But our relationship right now is not worth it and I do not get what I expect from a relationship.

As I mention before I lost trust in her. Part of the reason I did are my insecurities which I am working on. But the other part is that she has done suspicious things, lies and so on...

I wanted to rebuilt trust. But I also have been realizing that lately the relationship just give me anxiety. She is not there when I need her, she does not prioritize me(she told me that), I feel like a friend... Sex and being comfortable around her are the only two reasons I can find right now to stay. And sex is almost non existant.

But I cant find the courage to break up. I am becomint needy and clingy because I am terrified of losing her. I do not know if I am blind by her beauty, scared of being alone or afraid of making a mistake.

Any advice?Have you been in a similar scenario? How can I know if I still really love her or just afraid of losing what I got?

 

May be you don't really love her. You are just afraid of being alone. It is hard to love someone you don't trust. Whatever you do, let her go. If you marry her, it only gets worst. You will have constant anxiety. Work on your self-esteem. You can start by doing things that you enjoy by yourselves. Stop obsessing over her. I understand because I have the same tendencies as you.

[Kartoff]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not just about trust though, OP. 

It's her basic lack of interest in you as a boyfriend. A woman who is really into you is not going to do things that jeopardize her relationship. She'll be too busy making goo-goo eyes at you to notice other guys, much less make a point of meeting them or talking to them or bringing them up to you.

Rebuilding the trust is pointless when it is obvious she does not feel the same way about you. 

This hit hard. I thought we could rebuild trust but is as you say. Her lack of interest is what worries me the most. She does not priotize me, every big discussion we had she has offer break up as the solution...

I do believe if a girls likes you she does not have the time to being flirty or looking at other. I felt sick now thinking back all the reasons I have... Why she give the guy her number...why she talk with him...

[Kartoff]

57 minutes ago, JohnLee said:

May be you don't really love her. You are just afraid of being alone. It is hard to love someone you don't trust. Whatever you do, let her go. If you marry her, it only gets worst. You will have constant anxiety. Work on your self-esteem. You can start by doing things that you enjoy by yourselves. Stop obsessing over her. I understand because I have the same tendencies as you.

I think about it, am I just fear of being alone? I mean I have resason to hate her and yet I find myself obssesed with her. Thinking on ways to make her happy, just looking to steal one more kiss, one more hug.

I am working on my self-steem and trying to reconnect with hobbies. I am cooking again and I am also playing more(used to love videogames). How is your love life? Any tips?

Honestly I am scared I end up marrying her. I feel I am stepping intro a mine. I am trying to get distance, to slowly disconnect from her until I build courage but all efforts are useless. I have become the idiot friend, the one obsessed with the gf we all know does not give a *** about him

[Kartoff]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

“Building trust “ is either mutual or it’s irrelevant. If a person doesn’t trust another person for irrational reasons then yes it’s on the person to do the work to get to the root of insecurities causing the irrational mistrust. This person in your situation treats you with disrespect and has a very um high opinion of herself mostly because of what she looks like. She doesn’t seem to want to build much of anything with you so it’s a non starter. 
sure you can choose to be open with her - but she didn’t ask how you feel and didn’t tell you she wants to do what it takes to show you the respect and caring consistent with being in a committed relationship. 

This hurted me a lot. I thought she would try to reassure me to feel better. She just told me it was all in my mind, and making sure I did not ask her to change gyms. I know she would have choose her gym.

I guess I have beeing playing this coop game alone, and I reach a level I cannot continue if my oartner does not help. She won't

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Kartoff said:

every big discussion we had she has offer break up as the solution

And what does that tell you? She is not interested in finding a solution. She would prefer to end it. 

5 hours ago, Kartoff said:

Why she give the guy her number...why she talk with him...

Because she is looking for your replacement. 

5 hours ago, Kartoff said:

Honestly I am scared I end up marrying her

Kartoff, this isn't going to happen. She won't stick around that long. I hate to be harsh, but you need to wake up here. You are there to entertain her while she looks around for the guy she will someday settle down with. That guy won't be you. 

[Kartoff]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And what does that tell you? She is not interested in finding a solution. She would prefer to end it. 

Because she is looking for your replacement. 

Kartoff, this isn't going to happen. She won't stick around that long. I hate to be harsh, but you need to wake up here. You are there to entertain her while she looks around for the guy she will someday settle down with. That guy won't be you. 

- i thought it shows how litlle she valued the relationship, if breaking is so easy it means she does not care about us

-At first I thougt it was just my insecurity. But then I realize how weird is him having her number, texting her out of gym context and her lying about it. She did nothing really wrong, but is obvious she is open to find something...as she told me once, this is how a relationship stsrts

- Thanks for being harsh, is what I look here. Of course my post is based on my side of the story, but I try to be precise so that I can learn what others think. I guess I wont be the one she ends up marryng to. Is just that everytime she talks about us living together, marrying... I end up falling in her trap. I start thinking "what if it is just in my head?""I should jusr focus on the moment and enjoy" but then I usually catch her some white lie or she somehow remembers why I lost trust in her. And the feeling of mistrust always comes back, as strong as the first day. I thougt that emotion would eventually fade away

[MissCanuck]

She sounds incredibly immature. How old are you both, anyway? 

Her talking about marriage and living together is just her playing make-believe in her own head. She likes the idea of the white picket fence, but nothing about her behaviour indicates that it will be with you. 

49 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

And the feeling of mistrust always comes back, as strong as the first day. I thougt that emotion would eventually fade away

That's what happens when you are in a bad relationship with the wrong person. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Kartoff said:

. She does not priotize me, every big discussion we had she has offer break up as the solution.

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps ending it is the solution. The resentment is quite noticable.

It's becoming a vicious cycle of her feeling smothered and pushing back and you trying to tighten the reins even more. At this point you seem contemptuous of her but stick around for the sex. It's hard to imagine either of you will be happy with that in the long run.

[Kartoff]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

She sounds incredibly immature. How old are you both, anyway? 

Her talking about marriage and living together is just her playing make-believe in her own head. She likes the idea of the white picket fence, but nothing about her behaviour indicates that it will be with you. 

That's what happens when you are in a bad relationship with the wrong person. 

Both 30. I used to love listening to her about future plans. Now it irritates me, as her words don't mach her actions.

She does not even spend the night with me, how can she talk about living together

[Kartoff]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps ending it is the solution. The resentment is quite noticable.

It's becoming a vicious cycle of her feeling smothered and pushing back and you trying to tighten the reins even more. At this point you seem contemptuous of her but stick around for the sex. It's hard to imagine either of you will be happy with that in the long run.

Resentment is what makes me believe I need to break up. I dont want it to become more resentful, that is not fair to her.

I do not stay for sex, I like it but it is scarce... But I admit I am afraid of being alone

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

She does not even spend the night with me, how can she talk about living together

She can’t. It’s just meaningless words. 

And I quite shocked this woman is 30. I thought maybe late teens or early 20s, at most. She is much too old for this type of behaviour. 

And you are also old enough to see that this isn’t going anywhere. 

[left due to request]

Okay enough... I think many people here agree that it's time for you to cut the lose and move on. 

53 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

But I admit I am afraid of being alone

Read this sentence again and see what you can do about it.  The real reason for all this wasn't the woman but the fear of being alone.  Stop the blaming game and challenge your fear. 

[Kartoff]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

She can’t. It’s just meaningless words. 

And I quite shocked this woman is 30. I thought maybe late teens or early 20s, at most. She is much too old for this type of behaviour. 

And you are also old enough to see that this isn’t going anywhere. 

She is quite inmature. At first it was some way attractive but now I realize it is hard for a long term relationship. I am aware this isn't going anywhere, but I had hope it would

[Kartoff]

1 hour ago, rsml123 said:

Okay enough... I think many people here agree that it's time for you to cut the lose and move on. 

Read this sentence again and see what you can do about it.  The real reason for all this wasn't the woman but the fear of being alone.  Stop the blaming game and challenge your fear. 

I agree is time to cut the lose  and move on. But I do not think the reason behing is my fear of being alone(well, of finding someone else to be precise)

The reason is she is not invested in the relationship as I am, and is my faul cause I have not express my needs in the relationship. I have learnt a lot during this relationship, to be a better version of myself and more assertive. I thought there was a way to save the relationship, but I know is just fantasy.

I have to work on my self-steem, keep learning to express myself and improve comunication. Sadly, I also have to admit that the relationship is over

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

She is quite inmature. At first it was some way attractive but now I realize it is hard for a long term relationship. I am aware this isn't going anywhere, but I had hope it would

What was attractive to you about being immature ?  Do you believe you need to express basic needs to another person in order to be treated with respect and thoughtfulness ?  I mean sure some tweaking might be needed but don’t you think people who mean well want to treat others well? 

[redswim30]

On 1/13/2023 at 1:51 AM, Kartoff said:

But the other part is that she has done suspicious things, lies and so on...

I wanted to rebuilt trust. But I also have been realizing that lately the relationship just give me anxiety. She is not there when I need her, she does not prioritize me(she told me that), I feel like a friend...

 

Re-read this and TRUST YOURSELF. 

There's an old saying " When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." 

She doesn't love you, you aren't a priority to her, you are BARELY even a friend (real friends don't treat each other this way), she lies to you, she just doesn't respect you or care about you very much. 

This isn't a relationship, OP.  This is a situation-ship.   You can't re-build trust, because there IS no trust and she has flat out said she doesn't care about you to prioritize you, which means trust doesn't really matter to her. 

It doesn't matter how beautiful she is, there's billions of beautiful women in the world who WILL want to treat you with respect, who WILL want to prioritize you, who WON'T lie to you or do suspicious things. 

You say "break up with", but in all honesty, you aren't really "together", she's having fun with you, but feels no strong bond or commitment to you. 

You're settling from crumbs.  If you don't end it, she will.  She basically has already ended before you even began. 

My advice to you is don't waste time on someone who doesn't really want to be with you, life is too short to waste with time people that don't care. 

[Kartoff]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What was attractive to you about being immature ?  Do you believe you need to express basic needs to another person in order to be treated with respect and thoughtfulness ?  I mean sure some tweaking might be needed but don’t you think people who mean well want to treat others well? 

I was forced to become mature too young, for familiar reasons. I am inmature with relationships though, as I have always be afraid of intimacy.

It attracted me as I thought we could grow together and because she is the opposite of me.

Abour expressing myself, is not all my fault. But is true that I have avoid hard conversation which forge the relationship the way it is. I think if you love someone you should treat them as you want to be treated

[left due to request]

3 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

I think if you love someone you should treat them as you want to be treated

Not just love, anyone you meet or work with but I get what you're trying to say here 😄

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Kartoff said:

It attracted me as I thought we could grow together and because she is the opposite of me.

At 30 years old, it's a red flag when someone is still this immature, Kartoff. 

 

[redswim30]

On 1/16/2023 at 4:35 PM, Kartoff said:

She does not priotize me, every big discussion we had she has offer break up as the solution...

 

OP, I want you to REALLY look carefully at this.  These are your words. 

You're saying for every big discussion you have, her solution is breaking up. 

I hope you understand that this response should be generating at least a dozen red flags in you. 

RED FLAG: She'd rather break up than address issues

RED FLAG: This shows a lack of responsibility for her own actions 

RED FLAG: It shows a total lack of care for you 

RED FLAG: It shows that she cares more about her pride than your feelings

RED FLAG:  A long term relationship with her would be a dictatorship.  I don't know a single person in a happy marriage in which one person is "always right"

RED FLAG:  She's unwilling to even admit/accept that she's imperfect 

I could go on, but I think you see my point.  Sorry OP, but please get out of this situation-ship.  It doesn't matter how pretty she is on the outside, she's not very pretty on the inside.  Honestly, she sounds like a 16 year old in their first relationship, not a 30 year old woman. 

Marriage?  That's laughable when she's telling you about other guys flirting with her.  That's manipulative, it's cruel, and just shows total lack of ANY sort of love for you, including just FRIENDSHIP.  And it's wrong on her to even dangle that possibility to you all while knowing she has zero genuine interest in committing to you.  

Please please please break up with her now.    You said it yourself, " You should treat others how you want to be treated."  She clearly disagrees and is this really how you want to be treated?

Believe me, there's tons of women out there that will be just as beautiful on the outside and far MORE beautiful on the inside than this woman. 

[Kartoff]

1 hour ago, redswim30 said:

 RED FLAG: She'd rather break up than address issues

RED FLAG: This shows a lack of responsibility for her own actions 

RED FLAG: It shows a total lack of care for you 

RED FLAG: It shows that she cares more about her pride than your feelings

RED FLAG:  A long term relationship with her would be a dictatorship.  I don't know a single person in a happy marriage in which one person is "always right"

RED FLAG:  She's unwilling to even admit/accept that she's imperfect 

 

I know the red flags, although I have ignored:

- No commitment. She does not prioritize me(told me so) and is not afraid of losing me

- She has proposed break up way to many times, every moment there is a hard decision/discussion she offered it.

- She allows other guys to make move on her, and what really angers me...she hide/deny it. Constants white lies, etc

- Lack of respect. I dont feel respected by her. She brags about her old relationship although I told her I dislike(She just brags, and I dont want to listen to those stories), she let a guy hit on her next to me(which makes me worry what she would do when I am not around)

- She just does not put effort in the relationship. I try to remember the last thing she did for me and I have to go back four months back at least(and it was something she did for her)

I guess it makes me angry when she talks about marriage because her words dont match her actions. She has noticed, as everytime I answer her with doubt and surprise("Really?"). She told me why I sound like I doubt her... I just cannot pretend all the time

[Kartoff]

On 1/17/2023 at 9:49 PM, MissCanuck said:

At 30 years old, it's a red flag when someone is still this immature, Kartoff. 

 

I see it know. I am not gonna lie, I had not considered this as a red flag

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Kartoff said:

I see it know. I am not gonna lie, I had not considered this as a red flag

Because you liked the sense of being more mature/in control.  It was a turn on.

[Kartoff]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because you liked the sense of being more mature/in control.  It was a turn on.

I guess you are totally right. I have my own problems,and I am working on them.

As my therapist says, I was forced to become a parent(for my sister and mother) and took too much responsability. Now I project that into my other relationships, I am just used to it.

I hate it, but is hard to change it