Jealousy is killing this relationship

[LyraMichelle]

My (31F) boyfriend (31M) is jealous of a male -24-  I’ve know since he was born. Jealousy has been something I’ve always dealt with in my relationship we’ve been together almost 10 years, but recently he’s become jealous of a male I’ve known since he was born because we work together. He refuses to tell me that’s the problem but I’m not stupid.

Theres zero intentions on either side he looks at me like an aunt I look at him like I do my nephews but there’s clearly no getting this through my boyfriends head. Help, it’s not my first Rodeo but I figured he wouldn’t be threatened by someone I’ve know since he was a newborn 🤦🏻‍♀️

[Andrina]

Unwarranted jealousy is an act of abuse, since I'm assuming you're being verbally attacked for a crime you haven't committed. Abuse is a dealbreaker to anyone with self-worth. 

[Cherylyn]

10 years is a long time to have this problem.  As long as you have only a professional relationship with your colleague, your boyfriend should accept that people can be friends within reason. 

How much time do you spend with your colleague other than at the workplace?  Are you together a lot outside the work environment?  Do you go out for frequent meals, drinks, socialize during off hours, text, email, phone chat often?  Do you speak of your colleague a lot with your boyfriend to the point of annoying and irritating? 

If your boyfriend doesn't feel prioritized in your life, find out why? 

Take a step back and reassess.  Then take it from there.

[LyraMichelle]

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

10 years is a long time to have this problem.  As long as you have only a professional relationship with your colleague, your boyfriend should accept that people can be friends within reason. 

How much time do you spend with your colleague other than at the workplace?  Are you together a lot outside the work environment?  Do you go out for frequent meals, drinks, socialize during off hours, text, email, phone chat often?  Do you speak of your colleague a lot with your boyfriend to the point of annoying and irritating? 

If your boyfriend doesn't feel prioritized in your life, find out why? 

Take a step back and reassess.  Then take it from there.

Other than him calling or texting for work related matters - I’m the store manager, I don’t talk to or see him outside of work. I typically don’t speak of him unless it’s to tell my boyfriend we don’t have to do a bank run because said male went as it’s part of his job too. 
 

There are times my boyfriend thinks when I’m trying to make him the center of attention or I’m trying to give him attention that I MUST have done something I feel guilty for and am trying to over compensate and distract him 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, LyraMichelle said:

Other than him calling or texting for work related matters - I’m the store manager, I don’t talk to or see him outside of work. I typically don’t speak of him unless it’s to tell my boyfriend we don’t have to do a bank run because said male went as it’s part of his job too. 
 

There are times my boyfriend thinks when I’m trying to make him the center of attention or I’m trying to give him attention that I MUST have done something I feel guilty for and am trying to over compensate and distract him 

If your boyfriend continues cause this ongoing problem for you,  determine if you will tolerate his behavior for the 11th year of your relationship. 

[left due to request]

1 hour ago, LyraMichelle said:

Other than him calling or texting for work related matters - I’m the store manager, I don’t talk to or see him outside of work. I typically don’t speak of him unless it’s to tell my boyfriend we don’t have to do a bank run because said male went as it’s part of his job too. 
 

There are times my boyfriend thinks when I’m trying to make him the center of attention or I’m trying to give him attention that I MUST have done something I feel guilty for and am trying to over compensate and distract him 

Why not just marry your man of 10 years and get rid of all this non-sense?  If not ready to marry, then date the nephew like young man for a while.  I know these are two bad advices but I fail to understand why he would be jealous and why some one in this chat is claiming abuse while she posted nothing like an abuse scenario. 

Do you feel that your relationship is on the brinks?  Do you feel that he may physically abuse you?  Were you threatened?  Are you constantly arguing over your 23y/o friend? I'm willing to bet that answers to these questions are all no, except for the first one.

It truly may not be your perceived jealousy here.  You two are probably going through 10 year relation revelation where everything you do together are getting boring and everything that you do apart are slightly more interesting.  I think you just need a spark in your life.  Take a trip to somewhere new and rebuild your old relationship!  If he doesn't want to go, say please. 

[spinstermanquee]

Heya LM 🙂

Some add/move/changes w/edit indication brackets from your OP:  boyfriend is jealous [of any male] [even one I’ve know since birth]. I’ve dealt with [this abuse] 10 years. He refuses to tell [specific, resolvable, reasonable] problem [or propose any solutions/compromises].  My boyfriend's [gaslighting] head [refuses to accept anything that isn't LyraMichelle's fault].

Girl... don't know where to begin with this one, I'm just a junior contributor and there are a ton of other great advisors.  I just wanted to pipe in b/c I had a long-ago bf that did something similar to me, he actually used surveillance equipment, cell phone tracking, vehicle stuff... I can't even go there it was so gross.  I was innocent and just couldn't understand what was up.  There was a fissure and I managed o escape, but not unscathed.

You deserve a guy who is worthy of your loving, kind, considerate, and loyal person.  As long as you are that person in return, no problems!  It's amazing when you extend your trust and love to another they would never do anything in return to damage that (the Jack Nicholson quote "You make me want to be a better man" is kind of textbook of those mechanics).

Please I urge you to lose this loser and take care of the wonderful YOU that you are.  Healing is paramount.

(((((((hugs)))))))

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Possessiveness is a red flag you need to observe. Don't be afraid to cut your losses.

[catfeeder]

Sorry to tell you, but this will never get better, only worse. Do some research on typical escalation of unwarranted jealousy.

Decide whether living with the consequences of that escalation is something you want to envision for your future.

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again. I'd consider that carefully, especially if your fertility years are important to you.

[MissCanuck]

On 1/13/2023 at 2:48 AM, rsml123 said:

Why not just marry your man of 10 years and get rid of all this non-sense? 

Marriage does not solve jealousy problems in a relationship.

[Kbtoys]

Not sure of the unwarranted jealousy unless something happened in the relationship that would throw red flags.  Also not sure of past unresolved relationships issues.  I’ve been in relationships where minimal jealousy was involved and it felt good to have stability and trust.

 I’ve been in other relationships where one person gets toxic or jealous and then it makes you wonder where it is coming from and then I started to investigate.  We don’t know the whole story in your relationship or if this happened in the past in his or your relationships.  
 

What would be solution or compromise to make him feel more comfortable?  It is your job and you’re the supervisor and known this guy your whole life.  I could start to question if your bf saw photos, videos, or acts that made him question your involvement, but interacting with your workers is part of your job.  Good luck!

[JTCW]

He's insecure, probably from being cheated on or something in the past, not sure. It's not just this young guy, it's any male. He doesn't seem to trust you. Why is that?