Partner with depression doesn't have energy

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, uTgh4K33 said:

I don't mind waiting. Is not that is absolutely necessary that we share flats as soon as possible, but it would be very convenient, renting is expensive in Spain and, as much as I'd like to have my own appartment, at first I'd have to share it with someone. I'm not looking forward to share flats with strangers again, but I'll have to choose between that or having my own appartment and that implies not saving anything for traveling or so. 

In the end time will tell, I agree it would be best not to consider moving together for a while. He seems to plan to stay at his parents for some time and save some money first anyway. 

I'd move in only if it's because you two plan to make a permanent commitment to each other especially since he has mental health issues.  Totally fine on your part to wait - no one has to look to date or be in a relationship and it sounds like you are content to wait and see and put your dating life on hold.

[left due to request]

On 1/9/2023 at 10:47 AM, uTgh4K33 said:

Hello! I'd like some advice with my relationship, story goes as follows:

I am a transgender dude dating a younger man. We met studying art, we're both illustrators. We've been together as a couple for a year and a half, but long distance. We meet by discord and we see each other only a handful of times a year. We have lots of things in common, besides illustration, we both like cinema, games and music. We get alone pretty well and we never really fight, only some heated discussions that we apologized for afterwards. He's very understanding about me being a transgender and that helped a lot. We support each other emotionally and, when we can, finantially.   

So, what could be the problem? Well, we're expeting to move together sometime. And we are very different people, I am very energetic, always doing something, with 2645836 projects and working out almost daily. He, on the other hand, suffers from depression and has very limited energy. I'm not blaming him for it, I suffer from anxiety myself, but this creates a contrast between us. We spent 4 days together this Christmas on a flat I rented and he complained constantly because it was a 20 minutes walk to the center of town. Besides, we could do only 1 activity per day. If he goes to the cinema, he doesn't want to do anything else for the rest of the day. There were times in this 4 days that we were just lying in bed, not talking, and I knew he was very happy like that. But after 30 minutes I was grabbing my phone because I coudn't just stay there doing nothing. 

He knows he needs therapy (we both need therapy), but we can't affort it at the moment. I just wanted to know if anybody has had a problem like this and wants to share their thoughts. Whenever I travel or go on vacation, I expect to go see things, walk through town, etc. Also there were times when we ran out of conversation and that has never happen to me with anyone before (I'm very talkative xd). There are lots of things sexually that I also want to try, but since I suffer from my transgenderism it's a lot easier if he takes the initiative on new things, which hasn't happend recently. 

I thought that next time I'll bring some things to do on my own (books, something to write, a sketchbook, films). We also have a different schedules, he's a morning person and I'm a night owl, so he goes to bed at 10 pm (thats veeeeery early in Spain, that's what you expect from a kid or an elderly person), and I stay all night and go to bed at 6 am in the morning. I'm OK with doing things on my own at night, as I did. But idk, when we were both awake, weren't we supposed to be excited? 

As I said, any advice is welcome! Thanks for reading!   

From reading the original passage, I sense that you are trying hard to make things work.  I guess my very first question is why?  I think you already know that you're not compatible but forcing yourself to be with him.  Empathy or is it sympathy?  I know it's unwritten in your passage above but I think you're looking for different life style.  I know you're concerned about leaving him and how that will worsen his depression, but I think this relationship is sailing that way anyhow, whether he gets better or whether you get better.

There's nothing wrong with sitting or laying down together without words.  Again, there's nothing wrong with running around the house madly for an hour.  I just think you prefer the later and you miss running around the house.  Can't you see that your current partner is not that person even if gets better?

There's no one to blame here and sympathy is only a temporary solution.  Don't move in together. Distance yourself and let the natural progression do its magic.  You can be his good friend to check on him once in a while but sort your emotions out since I think what I just wrote is not a revelation to you.