Partner with depression doesn't have energy

[uTgh4K33]

Hello! I'd like some advice with my relationship, story goes as follows:

I am a transgender dude dating a younger man. We met studying art, we're both illustrators. We've been together as a couple for a year and a half, but long distance. We meet by discord and we see each other only a handful of times a year. We have lots of things in common, besides illustration, we both like cinema, games and music. We get alone pretty well and we never really fight, only some heated discussions that we apologized for afterwards. He's very understanding about me being a transgender and that helped a lot. We support each other emotionally and, when we can, finantially.   

So, what could be the problem? Well, we're expeting to move together sometime. And we are very different people, I am very energetic, always doing something, with 2645836 projects and working out almost daily. He, on the other hand, suffers from depression and has very limited energy. I'm not blaming him for it, I suffer from anxiety myself, but this creates a contrast between us. We spent 4 days together this Christmas on a flat I rented and he complained constantly because it was a 20 minutes walk to the center of town. Besides, we could do only 1 activity per day. If he goes to the cinema, he doesn't want to do anything else for the rest of the day. There were times in this 4 days that we were just lying in bed, not talking, and I knew he was very happy like that. But after 30 minutes I was grabbing my phone because I coudn't just stay there doing nothing. 

He knows he needs therapy (we both need therapy), but we can't affort it at the moment. I just wanted to know if anybody has had a problem like this and wants to share their thoughts. Whenever I travel or go on vacation, I expect to go see things, walk through town, etc. Also there were times when we ran out of conversation and that has never happen to me with anyone before (I'm very talkative xd). There are lots of things sexually that I also want to try, but since I suffer from my transgenderism it's a lot easier if he takes the initiative on new things, which hasn't happend recently. 

I thought that next time I'll bring some things to do on my own (books, something to write, a sketchbook, films). We also have a different schedules, he's a morning person and I'm a night owl, so he goes to bed at 10 pm (thats veeeeery early in Spain, that's what you expect from a kid or an elderly person), and I stay all night and go to bed at 6 am in the morning. I'm OK with doing things on my own at night, as I did. But idk, when we were both awake, weren't we supposed to be excited? 

As I said, any advice is welcome! Thanks for reading!   

[Batya33]

All of this can work but only if there’s flexibility on both sides. Is he in therapy and does he take meds? Why can’t you go explore on your own?
I’m a morning person and husband is a night owl but it works because we have a child and also works because we bend for each other. On vacation he will get up early so we can see stuff and I will stay up late same reason. He is flexible about me waking up early to work out and risking waking him momentarily and I am ok with him sleeping in when my son was a super early riser.
But also he’s gone out at night without me and I’ve gone to events without him - just did two days ago - so he wouldn’t have to get up early and be super tired. 

you simply have to be really honest with yourself about your priorities and values and whether these are dealbreakers. Is there a reason why he has to be with you for all the stuff you like to do and why you have to lay around and watch paint dry when he wants to chill for hours ?

[uTgh4K33]

Thanks Batya33! Of course I'm being flexible, and so is he, we're not breaking up or anything, I'm just sorting things out. I don't expect to do everything together even if we lived together (I like my alone time, thanks). But all my friends have normal levels of energy... some of them even too much energy, so I'm used to people keping up with me. In this case, I'm dragging him around xd 

And no, we are not currently in therapy, I started therapy but had to stop, I'll get back as soon as I can; he wants to go to therapy but has no income at the moment. 

[Batya33]

He suffers from depression. He’s choosing not to treat it. Or look for free or low cost resources to provide treatment. Low energy is typical. Also why isn’t he working? He is a package deal. Either accept this is who he is and these are his choices or not.  I don’t think sexual orientation is relevant here.  

[SooSad33]

Well, within a relationship, there needs to be some 'give and take'.  I take it you're feeling frustrated that he lacks in his energy/desire to do much.  Understood.

But you can't make someone do things, if they don't 'feel up to it'. It's good that you do have some understanding of his condition- but can he look into visiting his dr for some assistance? ( eg some meds - anti depr's or mood stablizer?). For me, anti depr's did nothing, but I found a mood stablizer did.  I actually am 'able' to function better. Of course I have my days, where I don't do a lot, but that's expected.

What'd be annoying is your night owl to his early to bed thing. That's opposites, right there.

So, I guess you need to see IF you truly feel this is workable or not.

[smackie9]

He needs it more than you do so pool your money together so he can get the help he needs. That will help with his energy and eventually will put a positive shift in your relationship. Things get overwhelming when you have all these things that need doing....I suggest you pick one thing, and work on that. Baby steps, one thing at a time. 

[uTgh4K33]

On 1/9/2023 at 8:51 PM, SooSad33 said:

Well, within a relationship, there needs to be some 'give and take'.  I take it you're feeling frustrated that he lacks in his energy/desire to do much.  Understood.

But you can't make someone do things, if they don't 'feel up to it'. It's good that you do have some understanding of his condition- but can he look into visiting his dr for some assistance? ( eg some meds - anti depr's or mood stablizer?). For me, anti depr's did nothing, but I found a mood stablizer did.  I actually am 'able' to function better. Of course I have my days, where I don't do a lot, but that's expected.

What'd be annoying is your night owl to his early to bed thing. That's opposites, right there.

So, I guess you need to see IF you truly feel this is workable or not.

Thanks SooSad! I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. I don't like the use of medication instead of therapy, I think therapy should come first, but it's something we can discuss down the road. I have never consider our different schedules to be a problem tho, I'm studing to be a librarian now (illustration is not paying my bills), and I will eventualy work during the day, so my "natural" schedule will have to shift. 

[uTgh4K33]

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He needs it more than you do so pool your money together so he can get the help he needs. That will help with his energy and eventually will put a positive shift in your relationship. Things get overwhelming when you have all these things that need doing....I suggest you pick one thing, and work on that. Baby steps, one thing at a time. 

I agree he needs it more, his therapy will have to wait thought. My mother will probably pay for mine, but I can't ask her to pay for his as well. But it's a good advice to take it one step at a time..

[MissCanuck]

What if this is just who he is, though?

Therapy is important to treat depression. But what happens if he receives treatment and you discover his habits don't change? Not everyone is high-energy and wants to be on the go all the time. He might be the type of person who is perfectly content with staying home more, and idling the hours away. 

My point is that while his mental health probably needs attention, you might also be looking at basic incompatibility here. Regardless, you should date people as they are, and not who you hope they will become. 

[uTgh4K33]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What if this is just who he is, though?

Therapy is important to treat depression. But what happens if he receives treatment and you discover his habits don't change? Not everyone is high-energy and wants to be on the go all the time. He might be the type of person who is perfectly content with staying home more, and idling the hours away. 

My point is that while his mental health probably needs attention, you might also be looking at basic incompatibility here. Regardless, you should date people as they are, and not who you hope they will become. 

Yes, this is what worries me. What I think would happen is, if we move together, that I will spent most of the time on my own, which is not too bad because I'm used to be alone doing my own things. But I don't know if the time we spend together will suffer, as I mention we have sometimes ran out of conversation and such. If anyone here has a partner with a very different level of energy I'd like to hear what it is like.  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, uTgh4K33 said:

But I don't know if the time we spend together will suffer, as I mention we have sometimes ran out of conversation and such. If anyone here has a partner with a very different level of energy I'd like to hear what it is like.  

I'm actually speaking from experience on this. 

An ex-boyfriend of mine was like this. We lived together as well, and it became more problematic over time. He was not depressed. He was just not interested in the same things I was, and very much preferred to stay home and chill. It was difficult to get him to participate in most activities with me and we slowly ran out of things to talk about because we had less and less in common. 

Notice I said ex-boyfriend - predictably, it didn't last. We were just too different. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, uTgh4K33 said:

If anyone here has a partner with a very different level of energy I'd like to hear what it is like. 

I think you're looking for a ray of hope because you deeply care for this man. But as said, when you can only be happy if there is a major change, it usually means said partner is not the right person for you.

Because there is no guarantee he will choose therapy, or if he does, no guarantee he'll stick with it. I speak from experience, as my first husband suffered from depression. He expressed it with unwarranted anger. During the worst years, added to that was self-isolating, and assessing situations with extremely faulty perceptions.

He did get on meds and therapy after I seriously threatened divorce, and the therapy actually worked for two years. After that, he said he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime, got off them, and became even worse. I eventually divorced him, which free me to find, years later, a companion I could actually enjoy.

Your relationship is fairly new, and I'm assuming the newness, for a while anyway, was exciting. But now you're better seeing the reality of things. People don't have to be joined at the hip, and should have some time apart on their own activities, but in your case, I think you two are way too far apart to be able to come up with a happy medium.

In your shoes, I'd learn from this experience of what doesn't work for me, and free myself to find a more compatible companion. Take care.

[Tinydance]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What if this is just who he is, though?

Therapy is important to treat depression. But what happens if he receives treatment and you discover his habits don't change? Not everyone is high-energy and wants to be on the go all the time. He might be the type of person who is perfectly content with staying home more, and idling the hours away. 

My point is that while his mental health probably needs attention, you might also be looking at basic incompatibility here. Regardless, you should date people as they are, and not who you hope they will become. 

I was actually thinking the same thing. It's very true that depression can make someone feel like they have no energy, are tired, and don't have much interest in anything. I get a sense from your post that you would like your partner to improve in some way so that he matches more what you want to do. For example, be more talkative, go out and do lots of things. The thing is, there are actually people whose personality is more introverted and homebody and those people aren't necessarily depressed.

I know you said your partner is depressed so in his case that might be contributing to things. But he may also have a more introverted and low key personality. Whereas you sound very social and outgoing.

You sound exactly like me, so I completely get it. I'm extremely social and especially when I was younger, I went out constantly. Basically every time I had time off work I'd go out and do lots of things. I know from myself that when you're a huge extrovert, being around people and always doing things is what makes you happy and you don't even get tired. Whereas when someone is more introverted, they can actually burn out from doing too much. They need their alone time. There are people who don't feel super happy being at a party but they actually feel worn out because they had to socialise a lot. Some of my friends are like this.

I'm like you that if I'm going out/was going out, I want to do a few things. For example, not just see a movie, but go out for dinner first, go to a bar after the movie, go for a walk, etc. Some people don't actually need that though. They'll go out to see a movie and then they're happy to just go home and relax. It's just their personal preference.

I think you need to understand that you're actually not "right" because you're the way you are and do what you do. Your boyfriend is his own person and has his own personality and interests. He's just different to you and that's OK. Relationships are about compromise so if some days he just wants to lie in bed, then you could just give him a cuddle, bring him a cup of tea, etc. Show him that you support what he wants to do too and you're not always going to push him. Especially if he suffers from depression. Some days going to see one movie or going to the shops might be the best he can do.

I don't think it matters why your boyfriend is the way he is. Whether it's depression, or his personality, or both. If you really care about him then you need to accept him and not try to change him to be more like you.

[Tinydance]

I also wanted to add. Just because you're transgender, why are you waiting for your boyfriend to initiate sexual things? Relationships are about being open so if you want to do something, just let him know. As you said yourself, he has no problem that you're transgender. 

[uTgh4K33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I was actually thinking the same thing. It's very true that depression can make someone feel like they have no energy, are tired, and don't have much interest in anything. I get a sense from your post that you would like your partner to improve in some way so that he matches more what you want to do. For example, be more talkative, go out and do lots of things. The thing is, there are actually people whose personality is more introverted and homebody and those people aren't necessarily depressed.

I know you said your partner is depressed so in his case that might be contributing to things. But he may also have a more introverted and low key personality. Whereas you sound very social and outgoing.

You sound exactly like me, so I completely get it. I'm extremely social and especially when I was younger, I went out constantly. Basically every time I had time off work I'd go out and do lots of things. I know from myself that when you're a huge extrovert, being around people and always doing things is what makes you happy and you don't even get tired. Whereas when someone is more introverted, they can actually burn out from doing too much. They need their alone time. There are people who don't feel super happy being at a party but they actually feel worn out because they had to socialise a lot. Some of my friends are like this.

I'm like you that if I'm going out/was going out, I want to do a few things. For example, not just see a movie, but go out for dinner first, go to a bar after the movie, go for a walk, etc. Some people don't actually need that though. They'll go out to see a movie and then they're happy to just go home and relax. It's just their personal preference.

I think you need to understand that you're actually not "right" because you're the way you are and do what you do. Your boyfriend is his own person and has his own personality and interests. He's just different to you and that's OK. Relationships are about compromise so if some days he just wants to lie in bed, then you could just give him a cuddle, bring him a cup of tea, etc. Show him that you support what he wants to do too and you're not always going to push him. Especially if he suffers from depression. Some days going to see one movie or going to the shops might be the best he can do.

I don't think it matters why your boyfriend is the way he is. Whether it's depression, or his personality, or both. If you really care about him then you need to accept him and not try to change him to be more like you.

Thanks Tinydance!
Actually, I'm not an extrovert. I realize it may sound like that from my post, but I'm pretty reclusive. I expend most of my time alone on my computer and only go out on weekends. The point is, even when I'm alone, my energy levels are always high and I'm always doing things. The social interaction can make me tired, but not everyday tasks. I agree that I have to respect what he's capable of, and if he wants to spend hours lying down, that's ok. 

[uTgh4K33]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm actually speaking from experience on this. 

An ex-boyfriend of mine was like this. We lived together as well, and it became more problematic over time. He was not depressed. He was just not interested in the same things I was, and very much preferred to stay home and chill. It was difficult to get him to participate in most activities with me and we slowly ran out of things to talk about because we had less and less in common. 

Notice I said ex-boyfriend - predictably, it didn't last. We were just too different. 

Yes, I'm afraid this is a possibility. I don't have a clear picture of what it would be like if we lived together, but either it would make us closer or more distant. 

[uTgh4K33]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

I think you're looking for a ray of hope because you deeply care for this man. But as said, when you can only be happy if there is a major change, it usually means said partner is not the right person for you.

Because there is no guarantee he will choose therapy, or if he does, no guarantee he'll stick with it. I speak from experience, as my first husband suffered from depression. He expressed it with unwarranted anger. During the worst years, added to that was self-isolating, and assessing situations with extremely faulty perceptions.

He did get on meds and therapy after I seriously threatened divorce, and the therapy actually worked for two years. After that, he said he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime, got off them, and became even worse. I eventually divorced him, which free me to find, years later, a companion I could actually enjoy.

Your relationship is fairly new, and I'm assuming the newness, for a while anyway, was exciting. But now you're better seeing the reality of things. People don't have to be joined at the hip, and should have some time apart on their own activities, but in your case, I think you two are way too far apart to be able to come up with a happy medium.

In your shoes, I'd learn from this experience of what doesn't work for me, and free myself to find a more compatible companion. Take care.

Thank you for sharing your experience. 
I'm trying to type a thoughful answer, but I have a cold and it's very late, I'll think about it tomorrow. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, uTgh4K33 said:

 if we lived together, but either it would make us closer or more distant. 

Well, yes. That's generally what happens when a couple moves in together. 

I think in this case, the differences will become more pronounced. Your lifestyles and habits are completely different and you already struggle to find things to talk about sometimes. Being around each other all the time is likely to magnify that rather than make you closer. 

[Batya33]

We just saw the original Willy Wonka again where Charlie's grandparents basically are bedridden -they lie down for hours -all day! But when Charlie finds the golden ticket his grandpa forces himself out of bed, is all wobbly but persists and is full of energy to go on this adventure.  

I could never be with someone who regularly wanted to lie around for hours staring at a screen.  Or sleep all day regularly.  Regularly- meaning obviously sick or very exhausted or needed like a mental health day "off" sure.  But as a regular routine -no. You can overthink this easily and think of extremes because most of us also don't need to be go go go 24/7 but keep it real -what you're asking for is someone compatible and he seems at a far end of a spectrum -for whatever reason.

[Lambert]

Until he addresses his depression, I wouldn't move in with him.  Are you focusing only on the good things and kind of blowing off the many red flags to your compatibility?

Only he can fix himself.  A partner can be a supportive partner and all that, but you have to ask yourself if this is a sacrifice you want to make.  mental illness is a serious problem and it's not always as easy to solve as one might think.  Some things can run deep or be more complex than what we think.  It's hard to use logic in an illogical situation.  

You have to be real with yourself and what you are capable of giving and tolerating.  Don't be blinded by love.  You can love someone but you can't live for them.  Look at yourself and what you really want your life to be.  

[uTgh4K33]

On 1/11/2023 at 11:10 PM, Andrina said:

I think you're looking for a ray of hope because you deeply care for this man. But as said, when you can only be happy if there is a major change, it usually means said partner is not the right person for you.

Because there is no guarantee he will choose therapy, or if he does, no guarantee he'll stick with it. I speak from experience, as my first husband suffered from depression. He expressed it with unwarranted anger. During the worst years, added to that was self-isolating, and assessing situations with extremely faulty perceptions.

He did get on meds and therapy after I seriously threatened divorce, and the therapy actually worked for two years. After that, he said he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime, got off them, and became even worse. I eventually divorced him, which free me to find, years later, a companion I could actually enjoy.

Your relationship is fairly new, and I'm assuming the newness, for a while anyway, was exciting. But now you're better seeing the reality of things. People don't have to be joined at the hip, and should have some time apart on their own activities, but in your case, I think you two are way too far apart to be able to come up with a happy medium.

In your shoes, I'd learn from this experience of what doesn't work for me, and free myself to find a more compatible companion. Take care.

As I was saying, thank you for sharing your experience. I must say I'm not living on edge, waiting for a great change to happen or anything like that. My partner is a loving person, even if treatment didn't work for him, he woulld still be an awesome partner. But I agree we are very different and time will tell if not too different. 

[uTgh4K33]

On 1/12/2023 at 1:08 PM, Batya33 said:

We just saw the original Willy Wonka again where Charlie's grandparents basically are bedridden -they lie down for hours -all day! But when Charlie finds the golden ticket his grandpa forces himself out of bed, is all wobbly but persists and is full of energy to go on this adventure.  

I could never be with someone who regularly wanted to lie around for hours staring at a screen.  Or sleep all day regularly.  Regularly- meaning obviously sick or very exhausted or needed like a mental health day "off" sure.  But as a regular routine -no. You can overthink this easily and think of extremes because most of us also don't need to be go go go 24/7 but keep it real -what you're asking for is someone compatible and he seems at a far end of a spectrum -for whatever reason.

I'm glad you understand me, I don't want to seem too harsh or make people think I'm hyperactive all the time xd And yes, it concerns me that he's, like you put it, "at a far end of a spectrum". Still, I want this to work and I cannot say for sure that we can't function together because we have never experience a normal time together to test it (we spent a week sick with COVID, a week while I was mooving houses... the recent 4 days in the Christmas holidays were the closest).  

[uTgh4K33]

On 1/12/2023 at 3:36 PM, Lambert said:

Until he addresses his depression, I wouldn't move in with him.  Are you focusing only on the good things and kind of blowing off the many red flags to your compatibility?

Only he can fix himself.  A partner can be a supportive partner and all that, but you have to ask yourself if this is a sacrifice you want to make.  mental illness is a serious problem and it's not always as easy to solve as one might think.  Some things can run deep or be more complex than what we think.  It's hard to use logic in an illogical situation.  

You have to be real with yourself and what you are capable of giving and tolerating.  Don't be blinded by love.  You can love someone but you can't live for them.  Look at yourself and what you really want your life to be.  

Thank you for your insight. I agree it would be wise to wait until he adresses his depression to move together, we can always become independent but not share flats at the begining. I guess I have things to consider until then. 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, uTgh4K33 said:

Thank you for your insight. I agree it would be wise to wait until he adresses his depression to move together, we can always become independent but not share flats at the begining. I guess I have things to consider until then. 

So are you up for waiting years? And do you believe he’ll take the initiative and do this on his own - you’re just a boyfriend - so you’re going to be almost always an outsider to his personal choices of meds and or therapy. Is that something you’re up for?

I never lived with anyone other than a month or so the first of two times my husband and I were engaged - a month or so before the cancelled wedding - and while living independently we were very much a committed couple. What’s so important to you about sharing physical space especially if your lifestyles are so different?

[uTgh4K33]

On 1/17/2023 at 1:57 PM, Batya33 said:

So are you up for waiting years? And do you believe he’ll take the initiative and do this on his own - you’re just a boyfriend - so you’re going to be almost always an outsider to his personal choices of meds and or therapy. Is that something you’re up for?

I never lived with anyone other than a month or so the first of two times my husband and I were engaged - a month or so before the cancelled wedding - and while living independently we were very much a committed couple. What’s so important to you about sharing physical space especially if your lifestyles are so different?

I don't mind waiting. Is not that is absolutely necessary that we share flats as soon as possible, but it would be very convenient, renting is expensive in Spain and, as much as I'd like to have my own appartment, at first I'd have to share it with someone. I'm not looking forward to share flats with strangers again, but I'll have to choose between that or having my own appartment and that implies not saving anything for traveling or so. 

In the end time will tell, I agree it would be best not to consider moving together for a while. He seems to plan to stay at his parents for some time and save some money first anyway.