I want to cut ties with my best friend

[survivor2021]

I am moving abroad in a few weeks, for the first time in my life.

As I am going through the stress and the preparations, I found myself very angry at my best friend. Basically I knew him for 15 years but he started to grow distant in the last year, hanging out less with us, responding very late to our messages, turning down our offers to go out together... 

When he was in a pinch and had any kind of problem, I was always there for him. When studies got rough, I always supported him. When he had crushes and faced emotional problems because of a girl turning him down, I was always the one checking up on him and raising his spirit. When he went to Turkey and caught COVID and ended up staying there alone, sick and stressed, I called him once per day or two to check up on him to make sure he is not lonely. I was the main reason why he is with his first and current girlfriend ( long story ).

Now, as I am making this big move in my life, he is not here... I know some of you will say to me: '' Don't go hard on him, talk to him, make sure he knows about your feelings ''. I can't do that. A true friend and a real friend should know about that. I know he doesn't have bad intent or something, I'm just angry at the fact that he is not aware of what I'm going through, or at least, not making the effort of contacting me and talk to me as we won't be seeing each other that often anymore. 

I'm afraid of isolating myself even more after I travel, and I will need friends' calls here and there. I have some good friends who checked on me on other occasions. Maybe that's just me being emotional and angry as I'm going through this much thinking.

Anyway, any advice please ? I'm really considering turning him into a regular friend and not a best friend anymore. 

[Kwothe28]

Cutting ties or just not hanging out anymore as before? Because it seems you are already on friends/aquitance level and you dont have to do a thing in a sense of some big talk or something as you already demoted one another to lower levels of friendship.

[survivor2021]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Cutting ties or just not hanging out anymore as before? Because it seems you are already on friends/aquitance level and you don't have to do a thing in a sense of some big talk or something as you already demoted one another to lower levels of friendship.

It's true that we already are on that level, not as intimate as we used to. But I'm mad to the point that I want to ghost the guy... or go even lower in the level of friendship.

[Andrina]

I've never labeled anyone my best friend, as I know it's normal for friendships to evolve throughout the years, and especially a lifetime. A great metaphor for that is "Never keep all your eggs in one basket."

It's okay to feel disappointed about a friend not putting in as much effort as before. How I operate is that I let actions, or lack of them, speak for themselves and I don't go into discussions, calling out a person. I would only have a discussion if said friend asked about a change in my behavior or if they've upset me in some way. And then I'd be honest.

If I don't feel like I'm a priority, then I'm not. If a person wants to be in my life, they will make an effort. If they don't, I let them fade away, and I have done that when friends have distanced themselves. I always leave the door open and don't hold grudges.

It's best to have the mindset that there is no rule saying a person is bound to you for life because they are presently your friend. Sometimes friendships work for a time, and then they no longer serve the purpose they once served, and that's okay.

I don't know if you're male or female. If female, it might be that since he now has a gf, even if you set them up and your friendship is platonic, that he feels it's no longer in the best interest of his primary relationship to have a female as a best friend. It could be that he only finds local friendships valuable, and doesn't want further invest in someone who is moving away. Who knows? Maybe he prefers to spend leisure time in new ways--new gf, new life, new activities, new friendship groups. It doesn't matter in the end.

Start being excited about your move, and looking into social groups you can join once there. 

My advice about him is to keep the door open, and just give equal effort to his, whether it be none, minimal, or builds to a satisfying level once more.

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't cut ties with your friend.  Do a natural 'drift apart and fade away' process.  If you're uncomfortable accepting him as your social media friend from afar, then don't be social media friends.  Convert and transform him from a former best friend to less than a regular friend such as to an acquaintance status at best. 

Tell him you are moving and determine his next course of action or lack thereof.  Let his enthusiasm or unenthusiastic attitude to see you or not see you be your barometer.   

You've done a lot of maintenance to keep the friendship afloat while your friend's lackadaisical attitude and behavior spoke louder than words. 

Many friendships are lopsided and unfair.  Whenever I sensed unbalance, I do less so each side will be equitable.  I don't do as much anymore.  When you do too much, you will feel bitter and resentful.  Treat others the exact same way they treat you.  If they invest their time, labor and resources for their friendship with you, then do likewise by reciprocating.  If they continue to disappoint you because you're the one putting forth all the effort to be 'Mr. Nice' and they're not, then expend less energy into the friendship.  Don't over do it with your altruism.  Do just enough as they do for you so you won't feel taken advantage of.  Don't go above and beyond anymore.  This is how I am because in the past, I did a lot for others whereas they never did anywhere near enough for me in return.  People have their limits and you have either to learn to adapt or choose friends who are on equal footing with you and  treat you the way you treat them.