In need of some advice

[sophie88]

Hi everyone,

I'd appreciate some advice.

I've been feeling very lonely in my relationship as my partner is always on his ipad. He'll bring it with him while we're having dinner and after work he automatically grabs it and will be on it until bed time. To add to the fire, he always watches his videos without headphones so there's always that playing and even though I wear headphones I can still hear it.

I've been finding it very hard to unwind after work because I feel as though there is no peace and whatever I'm trying to focus on all I can focus on is what he's listening to as it's playing out loud beside me and is very distracting. As a result I've been feeling burnt out and also not sleeping well since he'll still play it at night when I'm trying to sleep, yet slightly lower it.

I wanted to know everyone's opinion because I personally have never played my videos out loud while someone is next to me, just out of common courtesy to their personal space.

He's going through a stressful period and I understand this is a way for him to unwind and zone out. I'm not asking him to stop watching things or go to bed at the same time as I do. I'd just like for 1. For us to spend some time together watching something as a couple and 2. For the rest of the time  especially at night to be considerate in keeping the iPad  brightness lower and using headphones.

I did bring it up once or twice and he seemed annoyed as though I was in the wrong for asking such a thing. I've also made comments such as "let's watching something together" or have mentioned a movie or show that might be interesting to check out. Yet it always falls on deaf ears.

Can I have everyone's input and any suggestions?

[Batya33]

Can you go in another room or go out with friends or call a friend during that time?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? How old is he.

Ask him to sleep on the sofa or use headphones. 

He seems checked out and disconnected and seems to be shutting you out and tuning you out.

How is the relationship otherwise?

[sophie88]

@Wiseman2@Batya33

 

We've been dating for over 2 years and live together, I moved in last year. We're both in our early 30s. We live in a small studio so there isn't much room for us to be in separate rooms.

My feelings are very much hurt and for the duration of the relationship I've always worn my headphones and have been considerate to not disturb him. I feel as though from his perspective being asked to wear headphones is an inconvenience and he views it as not being able to live comfortably in his own place.

And aside from him not wearing headphones,the problem of him always being on his ipad is damaging the relationship. I'm not expecting his entire time after work, I'd just like to have some human interaction and connection even if that means watching something for an hour then having the rest of the time to himself. I'm also flexible with what we watch and often cater it to what he likes, which seems to be a common reoccurrance in the relationship as I'm always putting his needs and interests first. I feel like a third wheel and as though I'm just there taking up space as a room mate instead of his partner.

Besides this issue, we've been struggling or at least I have. There isn't open communication and anytime I've tried to express things I get stonewalled by him and he'll get upset and give me the silent treatment instead of having a mature conversation with me.

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

What was your purpose in moving in together and what was his? My sense is there's a general imbalance here and knowing why you chose to move in would be helpful.

[sophie88]

@Batya33

It just happened after about a year of dating as before moving in I was staying over a few nights a week at his place. There wasn't a specific conversation or plan about it, it just happened that way over time and when he made a comment about me basically living here already, we just kept it that way.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, sophie88 said:

@Batya33

It just happened after about a year of dating as before moving in I was staying over a few nights a week at his place. There wasn't a specific conversation or plan about it, it just happened that way over time and when he made a comment about me basically living here already, we just kept it that way.

So I think that's the issue.  You somehow assumed that because you decided to share living space casually that it means you are the sort of couple who spends more time together in the evenings. My sense is  he's feeling crowded in such a small space with you living there 24/7 and did this for convenience not bonding purposes and not because he sees you as a future wife or long term partner.  So he doesn't see why he has to change his living alone habits just because you moved in.  You want to play house and be a couple.  He doesn't and he didn't before you moved in either.

[Kwothe28]

31 minutes ago, sophie88 said:

I did bring it up once or twice and he seemed annoyed as though I was in the wrong for asking such a thing. I've also made comments such as "let's watching something together" or have mentioned a movie or show that might be interesting to check out. Yet it always falls on deaf ears.

 

I am sorry but this just seems like a very bad communication skills of your partner. Who would rather watch something alone then watch something with you. And doesnt really communicate good with you at all.

Far that partners should be conjoined twins and do everything together, I hate those couples. But, yours just dissmisses you and acts like he lives alone. And that is not good at all.

[sophie88]

@Batya33

We're not casually dating, we've talked about the future. Things weren't always this bad but he switched jobs last year and isn't happy there and is also dealing with a parent who's in palliative care since last year and visits the hospital daily. So I understand his habits are a large reflection of his stress and wanting to check out from everything and zone out.

I'm understanding of this and help out a lot around the house and like I said have remained silent on the matter of his ipad and let it go everyday. I've just reached a point where I'm not feeling respected in the space we share together and I feel as though I've allowed what he's going through to be an excuse for his behaviors when it shouldn't be as I'm dealing with a similar work and family matter as well and don't reciprocate that behavior.

[Andrina]

In reading what you've written, it sounds like he always puts himself before you. And the iPad is his priority, instead of a healthy balance where you are a bigger priority and his iPad playing a more minor role. Is that who you really want for a lifetime partner? 

If it were me, I'd call it quits since communication already failed, but if you want to give it one last go, have one more conversation and be concrete about what you want, such as:

I love you and want this relationship to work. There are changes I'd like for me to be happy.

Each night, I want iPad free time between this time to this time. I love it when we can talk without distractions, so during this time we can listen to music and give each other foot/back rubs, or cook a new recipe together, or pick out a movie we'd both like and cuddle on the couch, or have another couple over for dinner, or take a trip to the couples store to pick out new stuff for the bedroom. 

And instead of watching the iPad in bed, I'd like you to try using a blue tooth with your cell phone and listen to a podcast or music or an audio book so I can fall asleep more easily.

I'd also like you to not bring the iPad to dinner, because I like to speak with you without distractions.

I'd also like to know what you want for our relationship that will make you happier.

(To me, those are reasonable requests. If he can't comply or compromise, it means he could care less about your wishes, so why stay? Loving him and having invested 2 years is not a reason to live a lifetime of being lonely and having a partner who doesn't care that you're bothered by his activities.)

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, sophie88 said:

@Batya33

It just happened after about a year of dating as before moving in I was staying over a few nights a week at his place. 

Where did you live before? Perhaps living together cramped in his studio apt is creating too much stress. It also can create complacency since you're always there now.  He seems comfortable simply tuning you out like the furniture .Consider stepping back.

[sophie88]

@Wiseman2

I was living with my sibling when we first started dating.

I do feel like complacency is definitely present and because we've lived together for a while now he does seem overly comfortable around me to the point where there's habits that feel really inappropriate to do around someone. He is very different around other people and cares about his appearance and how he is perceived by others and yet at home is entirely different. I also think a big issue is that I have been too accommodating and have allowed a lot of behavior that I shouldn't have. I always used to be opinionated but became hesitant to say anything since I've been with him because whenever I've said something that he didn't Iike or disagreed with I received the silent treatment. When he becomes this way it's like he's an entirely different person. He will look and treat me like I'm someone he dislikes and doesn't want anything to do with. Despite my calm demenour and trying to talk things out with him I get shut out and this behavior gives me a lot of anxiety. It feels manipulative and controlling and it's the most uncomfortable thing to be around. It can last for a day or over a week. So out of habit I've held back my emotions and don't know how to talk to him.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, sophie88 said:

We're not casually dating, we've talked about the future.

What have you talked about specifically and what actions have been taken for this future? 

[Lambert]

maybe you are not compatible.  What people don't change; they accept.  You are not sleeping, feeling lonely, bothered enough to post here.. why stay with the guy?  He doesn't care about your feelings, he is actually annoyed that you complain.  

[smackie9]

yes get serious with him...tell him that his actions are causing you to feel dismissed and alone. Suggest going out, like for a walk after dinner, or head out to a cafe for a coffee, go visit friends, invite friends over, go to the gym. If he gets upset tell him you can't live this way anymore and maybe it's just time to part ways. 

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, sophie88 said:

I'd just like for 1. For us to spend some time together watching something as a couple and 2. For the rest of the time  especially at night to be considerate in keeping the iPad  brightness lower and using headphones.

Can he not do his thing with that out in the other room so you can sleep?  ( that seems rather disrespectful, as I'd sure leave if my partner needed to get their sleep).

And as for his continous use, that's a wicked addiction IMO 😕 .  Seems he has no want to spend some actual 'down/together time' with you!  Like wth.

Have you mentioned that to him?  To go watch it in another room as you'd like to get some sleep?  Then he can come to be when he actually plans on going to sleep.

I think you seriously need to talk about all of this... I gather you live together.

And I also agree with the above 2 replies.  He's lacking.

 

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, sophie88 said:

he does seem overly comfortable around me to the point where there's habits that feel really inappropriate to do around someone. He is very different around other people and

" cares about his appearance and how he is perceived by others and yet at home is entirely different. I also think a big issue is that I have been too accommodating and have allowed a lot of behavior that I shouldn't have. I always used to be opinionated but became hesitant to say anything since I've been with him because whenever I've said something that he didn't Iike or disagreed with I received the silent treatment"

. When he becomes this way it's like he's an entirely different person. He will look and treat me like I'm someone he dislikes and doesn't want anything to do with. Despite my calm demenour and trying to talk things out with him I get shut out and this behavior gives me a lot of anxiety. It feels manipulative and controlling and it's the most uncomfortable thing to be around. It can last for a day or over a week. So out of habit I've held back my emotions and don't know how to talk to him.

And as for all of this... wow 😕 .

So do you feel like you're walkin on eggshells?  Your partner should NOT be making your anxiety rise! And as result, communication is now a problem.

Nah, I would not be considering a 'future' with a partner w/ so many issue's.

Think twice on this one!

 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, sophie88 said:

@Wiseman2

. He will look and treat me like I'm someone he dislikes and doesn't want anything to do with. 

Unfortunately the only remedy is to move out. It's his place.  It's a studio not suitable for two people, especially since he makes you feel unwelcomed like you're the household help or in his way.

Keep in mind there was no real plan of living together as a couple, it just became a matter of convenience. Which, unfortunately is how he treats this.