How do I respond to "Are you okay?" question that leads to fights daily

[kreed]

Wife and I have been married for 6 years. We've had our ups and downs like everyone else, and I definitely am not looking for an out because I absolutely love and adore her. She is an amazing mother and I consider her to be my soulmate. She believes strongly that she is an empath and I believe therein lies part of the issue... 

Many times over the past 1.5 years in particular we've had some pretty unstable fights that have simply started with "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?" --- literally explosive arguments that make it clear there is more under the surface. 

Admittedly there have been times that my response to this question has either not been truthful, i.e., I was a bit annoyed by something but chose to cool down rather than make an issue, or maybe as a human I was just tired or stressed a little.

Inevitably no matter how I answer this question "I am fine, everything is great." or "Nothing why" has lead to a fight. In these moments she will say back to me "Are you sure because I feel like you are being a little short with me." or "You haven't really said anything to me all morning, are you sure everything is okay?" --- this despite the fact that she will have been asleep or I will have been taking a nap hence making it impossible for something to be "wrong". 

I need help on how to answer this question and shut it down - it's making me constantly feel like something is wrong with me... I am really starting to wonder if she is just not happy with me and this is a form of her projection of unhappiness. 

Thanks for the replies and advice in advance.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, kreed said:

 "Are you sure because I feel like you are being a little short with me." or "You haven't really said anything to me all morning, are you sure everything is okay?" --- 

They do seem a bit like rhetorical questions, but for the purposes of talking with you.

Perhaps you are sidestepping talking but shutting her out (know as stonewalling) is often viewed as covert hostility and that seems to be what she's sensing.

Perhaps she's lonely and wants some company or conversation?

Shutting her out is part of creating this vicious cycle.

[Seraphim]

It sounds like she needs more conversation. Empaths need to speak. 

[Andrina]

In your shoes, I'd probably purchase or get from the library books on communication, like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. They've made recent updates to the book. You can take turns reading to each other, such as 1 chapter per day. Practice the advice given. See if that helps.

24 minutes ago, kreed said:

I was a bit annoyed by something but chose to cool down rather than make an issue, or maybe as a human I was just tired or stressed a little.

Did you explain this to her? Maybe bring it up when you're in a mellow mood, that you'd rather pick your battles, and let little stuff slide, and that sometimes you're not in a chatty mood because of a bad day at work. 

Is she comfortable with silence? Let her know that her asking you if everything is okay often winds up with fights, so you two will have to find different ways to communicate, and for her not to worry about you, since if there is a problem important enough to address, you will certainly tell her.

How do you two maintain an good emotional connection with each other?

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[Batya33]

I would say nicely "When you ask this I feel like it's usually because something happened that made you feel like something is wrong.  Is there something specific you have on your mind?"  Then deal with that specific thing.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kreed said:

 .. I am really starting to wonder if she is just not happy with me and this is a form of her projection of unhappiness. 

Marriage therapy could help. There is a theory about marital demise called "The Four Horsemen": Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Unfortunately you both have at least 2.  While stonewalling may seem like an expedient way to avoid things, it can corrode intimacy and often too late.

One day you may find yourself in a dead bedroom when she gives up trying to 'connect' to you. It seems reparable now but you may need a neutral professional to get to the root of the issues and start a dialogue.

[Tinydance]

Has anything changed in the relationship lately or any life changes? For example, you said you have kids. Did you have a baby in the last 1.5 years? I'm just wondering why all of a sudden in the last 1.5 years this has escalated. Your wife may be suffering from some kind of depression and/or anxiety. It sounds like she's anxious and that's why she keeps asking if everything is OK and if you're upset with her. Also it seems odd that you say you're OK and everything is fine but this always progresses to a fight. Sounds like something is going on with your wife under the surface. I would probably try to examine what that might be.

[Cherylyn]

I would answer with this:  "Why do you ask?"  If you are the blunt type and she's a conversationalist and if you want to keep the peace, you'll have to alter your behavior.  Either learn to adapt or engage in an eventual heated, escalated argument. 😩 Or, you can tell her that you are the quiet type and don't have much to say.  Beware though.  She could come back by saying you need to verbally express yourself calmly and engage more. 

My husband and I are on the quiet side.  However, I'm chattier than he is overall.  We have our moments when both of us are people of few words.  There are times when we converse and other times, silence is golden if there isn't a whole lot to discuss.  Incessant chatter can be annoying so we find a happy medium somehow.  Our communication and non-communication developed into an intuitive rhythm.

Make small talk with your wife because perhaps she craves it.  Try your best to be pleasant at all costs because a kind word here and there even though you may think it's insignificant will go a long way. 

Don't make this a contest or keep score.  Be nice always.  Happy wife = happy life.  🙂

[tattoobunnie]

Sounds like she has anxiety, and is deflecting this onto you.  You making it about yourself all the time which causes the fights definitely is only making it worse.  Just answer the question, I'm okay, maybe tired, and ask her how she's doing, what she has planned for the day, week.  

Make plans that focus on a future event like a vacation or a big date out together, so there is something else to talk about other than feelings.

And ask yourself why, "are you okay?" triggers you.  

[Cherylyn]

The problem with the "are you okay?" question is that it insinuates there is something inherently wrong with you which is perceived as insulting and offensive.  It's not what you say, it's how you say it or it's not what you ask, it's how you ask.  Instead of asking, "are you okay?" or "what's wrong?" it's better to just go right out and say what's on the questioner's mind instead of setting up the dialogue on a sarcastic foundation.  For example, "I've noticed you are quiet.  Is something bothering you or are you just quiet because you are fine?"  Sometimes very long stretches of silence can be perceived as moodiness so you have to ensure that you're not angry nor in a foul mood.  Or, explain that either one of you were sleeping nor napping.  Many times when people awake, they're groggy and not in the mood to become immediately chatty.  It takes a while to be in a cordial mood to converse. 

It's easy to come across as cynical.  Just be kind no matter what and explain things gently.  It's better than escalating into a heated argument.  Remain peaceful at all costs.

[Lambert]

I guess you can only answer honestly. if you are doing that, I don't know what there is to fight about.  It seems like maybe you need to put it back on her and ask her why she thinks everything is not ok. 

If she is truly an empath, why doesn't understand?  Obviously, you can't say that if you're hoping to avoid an argument but -- what does her being an empath have to do with putting you on egg shells?  

Do you argue a lot?  I am not saying end the relationship, but you have to find a way to communicate and why doesn't she take you word?

It sounds abusive to me.  Like lady, what do you want??? 

Can you talk to her about it?  I know many people who claim to be an empath.  It's like the poor man's psychic.  LOL.  To be honest I feel like I pick up other people's energy and can read a room very clearly-- and if I ask what's up, it's not a fight to prove I feel something people don't.  I wonder what's her side of the argument?  

It's also not a great way to start a conversation-- with a closed ended question (yes or no).  Maybe you can put it back on her and say-- I am good, why you ask? 

[catfeeder]

Is there anything that prevents you from saying, "Come here..." and taking her in your arms, or at very least taking her hand, and saying, "Thank you for caring enough to ask me that. I'm overtired from work (or whatever the answer IS) and I'm sorry if I've been coming out sideways on you. I didn't mean to."

Then let her talk, and just listen to her. Rub her hand or her back or offer any kind of affection that might help to relax her, and just hear her out.

If she complains about you, let her finish. Then tell her that you hear her. Be honest with yourself about whether she might have a point, and if so, cop to it and apologize. If not, tell her that you'll consider carefully what she's saying to you.

I've never understood what some people find so difficult about putting an important relationship in front of being 'right,' and just saying "I'm sorry."

I had to do this with a friend recently over a misunderstanding. She came out and told me I had left her hanging on an answer to something, and this hit me out of left field. It didn't even occur to me to defend myself on this. With people we love, no 'defense' is necessary, I just told her that I clearly messed up, and I'm so sorry for it.

No argument resulted from this.

 

[redswim30]

On 1/5/2023 at 1:20 PM, kreed said:

 

Inevitably no matter how I answer this question "I am fine, everything is great." or "Nothing why" has lead to a fight. In these moments she will say back to me "Are you sure because I feel like you are being a little short with me." or "You haven't really said anything to me all morning, are you sure everything is okay?" --- this despite the fact that she will have been asleep or I will have been taking a nap hence making it impossible for something to be "wrong". 

I need help on how to answer this question and shut it down - it's making me constantly feel like something is wrong with me... I am really starting to wonder if she is just not happy with me and this is a form of her projection of unhappiness. 

 

 

I can't say whether you wife is unhappy or not, but she is DEFINITELY projecting onto you. 

Next time this happens, I would say openly and without judgment, "I am feeling X, Y, Z (and be honest)" but then add, " But is there something specific you want to talk about?"  And see where that leads. 

If she responds with one of the statements she has previously made, "Are you sure?" type questions, you're gonna need to cut the BS and be direct with something like, "I feel like you aren't trusting my responses and this is leading us down a negative path.  So I'm asking you if there's something specific on your mind or something you've been struggling with that you want to discuss?" 

I can tell you this much.  What your wife is doing and how she is approaching this is completely unfair to you and setting you up to be the "bad guy".  She isn't taking your responses at face value and that could mean multiple things including, lack of trust in you, depression or insecurity in her, projecting her own feelings onto you, or just fear.  But you two need to have an honest and open conversation about this, instead of dancing around it.  

If you continue to fight, you need to pay attention to what the CORE of each fight is.   Personally, I see a thread of her feeling anxious and unstable in the relationship.  Is that possible and why might that be?  You don't mention specific in these bad fights, but you should pay attention to what you perceive as the main thread in them.  It could, as I perceive, her feelings of insecurity, but maybe it's something else.  By skirting around the root of why she feels the need to not take your responses at face value, this will only lead to resentment and the chipping away of your marriage. 

Stop being "polite" and start being REAL with each other.  The truth always comes out.  Whether it's through sheer honesty, a mistake that gets discovered or someone reaching a breaking point.   I can tell you that the best and least painful way is always the most direct- sheer honesty.  Honest and painfully direct conversations aren't always fun, but they are far superior to learning someone cheated, someone just reaching a breaking point and walking out, or someone doing something stupid out of spite.   That's where your relationship is headed if you don't deal with this head-on and right now.