Trust My Situationship??

[xoxoc]

I started casually seeing a guy 6 months ago. Two months ago we became exclusive after I asked him what we were, but he says he’s not ready to commit to a relationship. We spend about 50% of our time together now(we live three hours apart, we take turns driving to stay with each other for 3-4 days a week). He says his reason for not wanting a relationship is that he is very codependent and wants to make sure that he is committing to someone who isn’t going to hurt him and wants to be very careful and make sure that we both know what we’re getting into before we commit and get too far into it. But, it’s also been six months now and I’ve told him multiple times that I want to be boyfriend/girlfriend and I don’t see the difference in what we’re doing vs a committed relationship. It does make sense, we were friends for a few years before this happened and I’ve very much seen his extreme codependency first hand when I watched him in his past relationships. I know he’s in therapy and trying to do better for himself, but I do get upset that he isn’t like that with me and obsessed with me like I’ve seen him do before with other girls. I know he hasn’t talked to anyone else since we became exclusive and I really want to fully trust him in this and most of the time I do, but sometimes I do get really really scared that I’m just like every other girl in a situationship, falling for a man’s pretty little lies until the honeymoon phase is over and he’s ready to dispose of me. I don’t know how to tell the difference and know which thoughts I have are true, and I know he says he’s trying to play it safe and “not get too attached too fast” but I’m already super attached and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave if he really is trying to work towards a healthy relationship with intention, because this man was my very best friend and I could trust him with anything, but now I’m terrified and I sometimes question if I should just leave and block him on everything before he’s able to hurt me, which may just be my own mental health issues speaking. Anyway, advice??

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, xoxoc said:

 I do get really really scared that I’m just like every other girl in a situationship, falling for a man’s pretty little lies until the honeymoon phase is over and he’s ready to dispose of me. 

Unfortunately you're already hurting because you would like a relationship and he just wants casual, using excuses to sidestep things.

It's your responsibility to do whatever is right for you and not wait for him to decide your fate.

Perhaps it's time to set yourself free so you can talk to and meet local interested men who want what you want.

[xoxoc]

I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself for ending it with the chances he is being entirely honest. I do want to talk about it more with him but so far every time I bring it up it comes off as like an angry confrontation and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without getting upset. If I can express myself correctly and he doesn’t reciprocate, then sure I’ll leave. But I do need help trying to figure out how to bring it up again and explain my side of things. As far as dating other people, I’m not interested. I’ve never dated someone without being friends with them for years first, so it’s either stay with this man or be on my own for a few years again.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, xoxoc said:

 every time I bring it up it comes off as like an angry confrontation and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without getting upset. 

Unfortunately he is being entirely honest. He states he doesn't want a "committed" relationship. 

After 6 mos dating, besides exclusive what type of relationship do you want?

Where exactly is the standoff? That he isn't in with both feet? That he's in control because he's setting the pace? That he is keeping his options open?

Reflect on what you would like going forward. Talking to him repeatedly won't help.

Pull back. Let him miss you. Start being mysterious and less available. The more you press for "commitment" the more he'll resist because it comes across as clingy.

By "commitment", what precisely do you want to see happening? You don't know each other well enough or long enough to talk about marriage and you're already exclusive.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, xoxoc said:

Two months ago we became exclusive after I asked him what we were, but he says he’s not ready to commit to a relationship.

Then you are not in a commiting relationship. Person can be exclusive to you but not commit. Meaning that he views you as a casual thing even though he spends time with you.

Also

1 hour ago, xoxoc said:

I know he’s in therapy and trying to do better for himself, but I do get upset that he isn’t like that with me and obsessed with me like I’ve seen him do before with other girls.

This is not a bad thing. Means he is working on himself and acts like normal boyfriend would act aka not being obsessive over his other half.

What is a bad thing is that even after 6 months he is not commiting. Meaning that he could be gone tomorow. Admittedly he could be gone tomorrow even if he is commited. But this way, he is purposly telling you he wont commit. You are a casual thing. Once he maybe meets somebody else where his heart would be there, he will be gone. And you will be left to pick up pieces. That somebody would not be you. No matter that you think it would be. You would just be left to pick up a pieces. Sorry.

[Batya33]

Accept he is keeping his options open in case he sees someone he wants to pursue for dating.  You two are not on the same page as far as commitment.  He can give you all the reasons he fears committing to you and use psychological terms but get down to simple basics -he is choosing these things -fear, doubts, etc over being in a committed relationship with you.  

He is not lying to you.  You are lying to yourself. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend.  So if he sees someone or has the dream of someone else (like in the movie scene from You've Got Mail) he won't have lead you on to believe that he wanted to be committed to you and your boyfriend.  

If he intends to be your boyfriend this is how I would approach it.  Tell him you are thrilled he intends to work towards being your boyfriend.  Tell him that you know it is his own fears/issues that he believes are obstacles to this so you cannot do anything about that. 

So tell him - I need to take care of me -and I am getting more and more attached and want to be with someone who wants to be my boyfriend with all the deep meaning that comes with that -it's not just a title to me and obviously not to you.  If you feel ready to be my boyfriend you can contact me and if I am interested and available at that time and I believe you're all in I'll consider it.  I have been lying to myself and settling for scraps and I choose to not do that anymore.  I know you are going to work hard to be ready to be my boyfriend.  Please do not contact me until you are.

(I don't think you believe he is doing "work" to be "ready" to be your boyfriend - but if he says so let him put his money where his mouth is and do all the "intentional" work without the benefit of playing at being a couple with you and then you can stop lying to yourself).

Also ask yourself if you knew he was never going to be your boyfriend how long would you stay?

[Andrina]

Putting things in simplistic terms, if a person doesn't share your dating/relationship goals, he is NOT the right man for you.

If a person isn't presently an ideal partner, it's foolish to wait around, hoping for major change, before you will be happy. And hoping for change is another signal a person isn't the right match.

Fear of being alone and seeing the start of new dating processes all over again aren't good enough reasons to stay with someone who spews nothing but fear and puts up barriers.

Obviously, you haven't found a keeper with your pattern of being friends with a  man first before dating him? Perhaps it's time to try a new method, like jumping into dating. Maybe try Meetup.com groups once you're ready to date again.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, xoxoc said:

I do get really really scared that I’m just like every other girl in a situationship

That's because you are, sadly. 

6 hours ago, xoxoc said:

I don’t know how to tell the difference

There isn't a difference. You are the same as anyone else in a dead-end that doesn't want to accept that it isn't going anywhere. If he wanted to date you, it would have happened by now. It sucks, but it's time you got honest with yourself that it's not going to progress. 

This will end badly if you don't extricate yourself now. You will be left wondering why he's chosen to date someone else, when that time comes. I'm sorry, girl. 

 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, xoxoc said:

I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself for ending it with the chances he is being entirely honest. 

It's not an issue of honesty.   He is probably being honest:  he cannot give you what you want because he is not emotionally capable of it.    So, you're getting what he can give you right now.  Take it or LEAVE IT.

 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, xoxoc said:

we were friends for a few years before this happened and I’ve very much seen his extreme codependency first hand when I watched him in his past relationships. I know he’s in therapy and trying to do better for himself, but I do get upset that he isn’t like that with me and obsessed with me like I’ve seen him do before with other girls. I know he hasn’t talked to anyone else since we became exclusive and I really want to fully trust him in this and most of the time I do, but sometimes I do get really really scared that I’m just like every other girl in a situationship, falling for a man’s pretty little lies until the honeymoon phase is over and he’s ready to dispose of me.

In ways, I feel he just isn't 'ready' for any of this with you.

He's presently in therapy, which is good!  And this that's going on with you may be clouding his judgement or ability to continue his own focus on his own issue's, therefore, inability to truly heal and get ahead with his life.

You may actually be right, where he may back off after the honeymoon phase, as he may come to realize he 'can't do it' . 😕 . ( and expectations in a healthy relationship is not possible... where you're all ready and fully into this, he is not).

Yeah, I think you've got some thinking to do.  And is maybe time you have a good heart to heart talk with him.  Try to get him to be honest with you.

And yeah, do try & see where HE stands in all of this.  Not just what YOU want/expect.