Am I being made a fool or is she worth it!

[lostinlove246]

So... I met a girl a couple of months ago, it has been the best time I've ever had dating, we quickly started in a relationship and fell in love. Everything was perfect, literally perfect. We were making plans for the new year, wrote near year resolutions together, drank wine, laughed, planned babies in the future. I was totally smitten and thought she was too. 

Then after spending most of the Christmas holidays together and going away for new year... We'd both picked up a cold and we're tired, she was stressing over work stuff and seemed to be projecting this on to me. I was being quiet and not feeling 100%. I was trying to help and look after her, I'd make her drinks, get hit water bottle for her cramps, she'd cook and bring me drinks too. But then she started to become distant. Didn't want physical contact, we'd both loved to sit and cuddle and chat, but this stopped, sex stopped too, kissing became like kissing a friend hello. Then she totally lost it. I was too emotional and she was scared (based on past bfs, which I understand). I think I'd just sat quiet and asked if she was ok and checked in that she was still happy and wanted this relationship. 

This was the last straw and she decided it wasn't for her and she was moving on. Which was fine I wanted her to be happy and didn't kick up a fuss. Just said she'd be missed and I hope everything goes ok. She gave me a list of reasons why she felt she couldn't be with me, I accepted that and stayed courteous and mature about it. 

A day later she messages and looks to get back together, my heart ached and I wanted to be back with her... So now it's been a day or two but she's still distant, doesn't want to see me, has made excuses for a meal we're invited to with some friends and decided that she can't meet up on or after my birthday next week, but in a couple of weeks time we can get together. So I'm kinda torn between not really understanding what she wants or whether or not she even cares. She says she does but her actions suggest otherwise I think. I really like her, before things "changed" it was the most amazing time I've had for a very long time. But now I feel I'm wanting what was and getting nothing back. I've offered everything I can, but her stance now is we should work on being ourselves and let the "us" come second. I don't think that is what I want. But I want her. 

[boltnrun]

That's an awful lot of drama for only two months, don't you think?

Plus, planning babies after less than 8 weeks of dating is way too much. This should have been a giant red flag.

I think she realized she jumped in way too much way too soon. I would guess she is trying to backtrack and take the time you both should have in the beginning. 

[Seraphim]

Sounds like a lot of love bombing on both ends. Slow the roll. 

[Kwothe28]

Its something that happens. At the start you are in "honeymoon" phase. Everything is perfect and idilic. After a while cracks start to show. Cracks you were too blinded to see at start because of "rose colored glasses".

In your case, you stumbled upon somebody who gets hot fast but also gets cold fast. She liked you very intensively but now suddenly she has a list of reasons why she doesnt want to be with you. The list where probably none of the reasons are on her and all are on you. Because suddenly, you are not adequate for her.

My advice: Dump her. Send her where sun doesnt shine. She doesnt even want to meet you up for your birthday? That isnt a girlfriend, that is somebody who just doesnt care for you at all. And somebody who you never will need in your life.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, lostinlove246 said:

she was scared (based on past bfs,

What happened with past boyfriends, and how recently?

2 hours ago, lostinlove246 said:

She gave me a list of reasons why she felt she couldn't be with me

And this why I wouldn't wait around for her. This is a pretty crap move on her part, and suggests she is not the one for you. Why you would wait for someone who had the lack of grace to hand you a list of all the things she doesn't like about you? 

[boltnrun]

Reminds me of a young woman who posted in another forum. Her boyfriend broke up with her but told her he would give her a month. If she was "the perfect girlfriend" for that month he would take her back. If not, they would stay broken up. And she actually agreed to this. Obviously her self esteem was extremely low. It was sad to read.

I still think you two rushed into this way too quickly. Why didn't talk of planning babies after just a few weeks concern you? And did you give her a list of things she did that you don't like or are you the only one who was given a list?

[lostinlove246]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What happened with past boyfriends, and how recently?

And this why I wouldn't wait around for her. This is a pretty crap move on her part, and suggests she is not the one for you. Why you would wait for someone who had the lack of grace to hand you a list of all the things she doesn't like about you? 

She didn't really give details other than she'd been emotionally blackmailed in previous relationships. This was in the last 4 years.

I didn't have a list to give. She was everything I wanted. 

 

 

[lostinlove246]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Reminds me of a young woman who posted in another forum. Her boyfriend broke up with her but told her he would give her a month. If she was "the perfect girlfriend" for that month he would take her back. If not, they would stay broken up. And she actually agreed to this. Obviously her self esteem was extremely low. It was sad to read.

I still think you two rushed into this way too quickly. Why didn't talk of planning babies after just a few weeks concern you? And did you give her a list of things she did that you don't like or are you the only one who was given a list?

The babies thing wasn't a full plan, just that we both wanted a family in the future. It wasn't a lets get pregnant now conversation. There was no list to give in return. 

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, lostinlove246 said:

I met a girl a couple of months ago, it has been the best time I've ever had dating, we quickly started in a relationship and fell in love. Everything was perfect, literally perfect. We were making plans for the new year, wrote near year resolutions together, drank wine, laughed, planned babies in the future. I was totally smitten and thought she was too. 

Geeze, why all of this in a matter of 8 weeks?

I see a few red flags, for sure. 

First off, it's not love.  Not at this stage. Second, who talks about havin babies after only dating for 2 months?

And who goes & pulls away then a day later wants you back?  This isn't right, is it?  

Hey, she's the one who said this wasn't for her.  Then you say fine, as you did and walk away.

Do you not find it a little much for only being 2 months in?

Your choice... to see IF she warms up again.  Or just say, nah, let's leave it as is.

 

 

[Nebraskagirl14]

Awww, I’m sorry you had to go through this. I would let her go. She sounds like she has an avoidant attachment style for sure. They come in hot and then blow cold when things get serious. It’s a mindf*@k. I think you need to ask yourself how much of this hot and cold behavior you want to take. I agree that all of the love bombing was probably red flags, but, hey, people fall in love and dream of a future together. The list thing for sure would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. That was just f*@king rude. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, lostinlove246 said:

 . I was too emotional and she was scared.

Sorry this happened. Perhaps you two got caught up in things and now after 60 days of that some realities of incompatibility are setting in.

Was there an argument when you say you were "too emotional"?  Why would she be afraid of you?

Step back and see if you can slow down and try to rebuild things.

[lostinlove246]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Perhaps you two got caught up in things and now after 60 days of that some realities of incompatibility are setting in.

Was there an argument when you say you were "too emotional"?  Why would she be afraid of you?

Step back and see if you can slow down and try to rebuild things.

Hi thanks for the support

There was no argument at all. Literally the morning before she broke it all off, we were getting along just fine, celebrating the new year out hiking together. 

 

As for being scared, she was comparing me being quiet (I can't be all whistles and bells all the time, can anyone?) To her ex boyfriend who I assume had some more abusive traits. 

Yeah I think I need to step back. I can't decide if actually I'm scared of losing what I thought was an amazing relationship with what I thought was an amazing person, or I'm just feeling embarrassed of failing at trying to actually being in a relationship. 

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, lostinlove246 said:

The babies thing wasn't a full plan, just that we both wanted a family in the future. It wasn't a lets get pregnant now conversation. There was no list to give in return. 

You said in your OP that you two "planned babies". 

So according to her you are the only one who does bad things? And according to you she's perfect?

I hope you see how unhealthy this whole dynamic is.

What exactly attracts you to all this drama?

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, lostinlove246 said:

she was comparing me being quiet (I can't be all whistles and bells all the time, can anyone?) To her ex boyfriend

This is plain ridiculous on her part. If you can't have some quiet periods without her freaking out and comparing you to an ex, she is absolutely not ready to date. 

8 hours ago, lostinlove246 said:

I didn't have a list to give.

Most normal people don't, OP. It's very immature to hand someone a list of the reasons you can't date them. She is not in a place where she can handle an adult relationship. She sounds like a teenager, to be honest. 

You are well rid of her. 

[lostinlove246]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said in your OP that you two "planned babies". 

So according to her you are the only one who does bad things? And according to you she's perfect?

I hope you see how unhealthy this whole dynamic is.

What exactly attracts you to all this drama?

I'm absolutely attracted to the girl I met. We had so much in common, things were so good, both happy. I guess being single for a couple of years I just wanted/want this to work. 

[lostinlove246]

1 minute ago, lostinlove246 said:

I'm absolutely attracted to the girl I met. We had so much in common, things were so good, both happy. I guess being single for a couple of years I just wanted/want this to work. 

The planned babies. Was just a long term thing. That we both wanted a family eventually. It's wasn't a let get pregnant as soon as possible. Hope that makes sense. I appreciate your feedback. 

[boltnrun]

42 minutes ago, lostinlove246 said:

I'm absolutely attracted to the girl I met. We had so much in common, things were so good, both happy. I guess being single for a couple of years I just wanted/want this to work. 

But in two short months she turned from lovey dovey let's have babies together someday into handing you a list of why she doesn't want to date you anymore. Then did a 180, and now is back to treating you dismissively.

That's what I meant when I asked what attracts you to drama and mistreatment.

[lostandhurt]

It is really easy to over look things when you first meet and everything is new and exciting.

I know you want her but she has shown some very worrisome traits.  If you read your own words above you will see some erratic behavior with 180 degree swings and hurtful behavior as well. 

After only 2 months and this big swing I think she has done you a favor.  It might not seem like it right now but if you stayed together I would bet this is just the tip of the iceberg of her emotional state.

I have been on this ride and I can tell you it isn't one you want to get onto...

Lost

[smackie9]

Give her time to think. She might circle back. 

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you both may have OD'd on one another. Too much, too soon. It feels great in the moment but can turn one or both people raw all of a sudden.

I'd back off, she knows how to reach you. Let her figure out her stuff while you consider whether she might be a mess you don't really want to deal with, anyway.

[jul-els]

The two of you moved quickly and burned out. She’s emotionally unavailable. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and let it go.  

[Andrina]

Not that she was good gf material, but for your own sake for future relationship success, look at your own behavior.

If you spent more than two days a week together, it's too much at the very beginning. 

If in your love bubble, you spent less or no time with friends, family, and hobbies/interests, next time, know you have to keep a fulfilling life besides having a love interest. And if your life lacks a healthy balance of spending time alone, with friends, and on hobbies, create that kind of life so your partner won't feel like is smothered, and that she's the sole center of your universe.

If a new love interest speaks of lugging around emotional baggage, she is not good gf material.

And as said, after 2 months, it's not love. It's infatuation. It's best to have a wait-and-see attitude in early stages, because one must get beyond the honeymoon stage to see the real person emerge, if it even gets this far. Let time reveal all, and see how a person treats you longterm.

Of course, you experienced trouble very early. My opinion is to stay broken up. I've never once taken back anyone who has broken up with me, nor did I ever want to get back together with anyone I broke up with. If a person didn't care enough about me and chose to set me free, knowing that could spell forever, then I thought it best to hold out for the person who would never let me go--not even once.