My girlfriend has a "special friend" - Trying to figure out if it's my business to say something...

[Nebraskagirl14]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

There are many situations where people like an ego boost and the excitement of an emotional affair, even if there is never an intention of having a physical affair. But emotional affairs are just as harmful as physical ones.

Examples: Co-workers who are attracted to one another, and one or both are taken, yet they treat each other FAR differently than any other co-worker, and look forward to that overly involved interaction every day at work. That's why the terms "work husband" and "work wife" come in.

I had a former group friend from my teen years ask to me my Facebook friend. I accepted and then he sent me a flirty message, even as he saw from my profile I was married. I immediately deleted him as a FB friend, because I don't need the ego boost and that'd be a crappy thing to do as far as my husband is concerned, to keep in contact with my former, inappropriate friend.

To me, this is sort of a similar situation you are in, because that woman has a crush on your gf. Therefore, no matter how your gf has enjoyed the friendship in the past, now that she's in a serious relationship, she should be making decisions that are conducive to preserving your relationship.

Sometimes one should end friendships under certain circumstances, and this is one of them. 

If you can't count on a partner to make the right decision, then they aren't the right partner for you. Because the right partner won't have you upset the majority of the time. This problem is one that happens daily with their daily contact. In your shoes, after nothing positive happened after the discussion, I'd be saying, "This relationship isn't working for me."

 

Thanks so much, Andrina. The trouble is, she is adamant that she isn't having an emotional affair with the woman and my accusations are unfounded.

[Andrina]

2 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

The trouble is, she is adamant that she isn't having an emotional affair with the woman and my accusations are unfounded.

Even as she says that, whether she is in denial or can't see the forest for the trees, you're still miserable and the problem isn't going away.  That's the only info you need to do what's best for yourself.

I know what relationship rules I like to have and if a partner doesn't match me, I wouldn't agree on exclusivity.

This is a good learning experience for you. In the future, discuss all the relationship rules you're comfortable with before deciding to become exclusive with someone.

[Nebraskagirl14]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Even as she says that, whether she is in denial or can't see the forest for the trees, you're still miserable and the problem isn't going away.  That's the only info you need to do what's best for yourself.

I know what relationship rules I like to have and if a partner doesn't match me, I wouldn't agree on exclusivity.

This is a good learning experience for you. In the future, discuss all the relationship rules you're comfortable with before deciding to become exclusive with someone.

Yes, that's true, thanks. The problem is that we did/do seem to share the same values around loyalty and integrity. She thinks she is being loyal to me and having integrity. I guess that is a misalignment, as I do not feel like being in close, daily contact with someone that doesn't support your relationship is you being loyal to your partner.

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

Yes, that's true, thanks. The problem is that we did/do seem to share the same values around loyalty and integrity. She thinks she is being loyal to me and having integrity. I guess that is a misalignment, as I do not feel like being in close, daily contact with someone that doesn't support your relationship is you being loyal to your partner.

You're acting like you have to label it as an emotional affair to decide that this isn't working for you  - then -what you can say "gotcha! it IS an emotional affair!"  You feel disrespected because she is playing with fire by being in constant contact with this woman (I explained why several times above). 

Part of being in a healthful relationship is being on the same wavelength and page about the basics of your intentions and relationship and part of it is when situations come up that are sort of on the line/gray area you have to be comfortable talking it out and feeling heard and understood.  I wouldn't get into all this trendy stuff about "emotional affair" - -you're going to be too tempted to use it as an excuse to be in denial.

[Andrina]

25 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

She thinks she is being loyal to me and having integrity. I guess that is a misalignment, as I do not feel like being in close, daily contact with someone that doesn't support your relationship is you being loyal to your partner.

Now you've got it! That's exactly what you should say as you head for the nearest exit.

[Nebraskagirl14]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're acting like you have to label it as an emotional affair to decide that this isn't working for you  - then -what you can say "gotcha! it IS an emotional affair!"  You feel disrespected because she is playing with fire by being in constant contact with this woman (I explained why several times above). 

Part of being in a healthful relationship is being on the same wavelength and page about the basics of your intentions and relationship and part of it is when situations come up that are sort of on the line/gray area you have to be comfortable talking it out and feeling heard and understood.  I wouldn't get into all this trendy stuff about "emotional affair" - -you're going to be too tempted to use it as an excuse to be in denial.

Thank you again, Batya! Taking it all in… 

[MissCanuck]

You are certainly not insecure, OP. You are recognizing a red flag for what it is - which boils down to your girlfriend hiding certain things about your relationship from this "friend."

I am curious, what has this woman said or done that indicates she does not support your relationship? 

[Nebraskagirl14]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You are certainly not insecure, OP. You are recognizing a red flag for what it is - which boils down to your girlfriend hiding certain things about your relationship from this "friend."

I am curious, what has this woman said or done that indicates she does not support your relationship? 

Thanks, MissCanuck-

I really appreciate that. The woman gave my girlfriend the silent treatment when she dated the person before me and got all sh*tty with her and when she told her about me, she did the same. She went silent and my girlfriend reached out casually and the woman said, “Where’s your girlfriend?” in a super crappy way. These are people in their 50’s, mind you. Since then, she won’t acknowledge our relationship, ask about us and generally doesn’t want to hear about us and so my girlfriend doesn’t tell her and they just talk about other things. I am certain they don’t talk about anything inappropriate. My girlfriend is trustworthy, I believe. But she omits to protect this woman’s feelings for her and I think that is truly a red flag. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

These are people in their 50’s, mind you.

Wow. I was assuming we were speaking about people much younger. 

Personally, I would reconsider the relationship. Your girlfriend's priorities aren't in line with yours and it's already hurting you. I doubt it is going to be worth the hassle. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Wow. I was assuming we were speaking about people much younger. 

Personally, I would reconsider the relationship. Your girlfriend's priorities aren't in line with yours and it's already hurting you. I doubt it is going to be worth the hassle. 

Thanks, MissCanuck! We talked about it more tonight and she said, “I understand where you are coming from.” She said she isn’t sure what to do about it but that she wants me to feel respected. So, we’ll see. Time will tell 🙂 Thank you again! 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

Thanks, MissCanuck! We talked about it more tonight and she said, “I understand where you are coming from.” She said she isn’t sure what to do about it but that she wants me to feel respected. So, we’ll see. Time will tell 🙂 Thank you again! 

What is she not sure about -the logistics about how to cut off or severely limit contact or not sure if she wants to? If she "wants" you to feel respected perhaps repeat what that would look like to you. I mean my son is only 13 not 50 (I am 56) but often I have to spell out how I feel, and what the consequences will be if he does not act in a respectful way.  Very specifically.  (No, not "Consequences" - I mean - lose time on the computer LOL).

[Nebraskagirl14]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What is she not sure about -the logistics about how to cut off or severely limit contact or not sure if she wants to? If she "wants" you to feel respected perhaps repeat what that would look like to you. I mean my son is only 13 not 50 (I am 56) but often I have to spell out how I feel, and what the consequences will be if he does not act in a respectful way.  Very specifically.  (No, not "Consequences" - I mean - lose time on the computer LOL).

Ha! I get what you are saying. I guess because she has been friends with this woman for like 6 years and they have developed a pattern of communication whether my gf has been in or out of a relationship, and my gf considers her like family in a sense. So, I think it’s more about what to say or how to dial something back that has been pretty constant. I know she doesn’t want to lose this woman from her life in spite of the fact that she isn’t a healthy person. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

She said she isn’t sure what to do about it

Malarkey. 

She knows exactly what to do: stop hiding your relationship from her. 

[boltnrun]

"Family" would support your relationship, not actively be dismissive or disrespectful of it.

If she continues to prioritize this so called friend's feelings over yours, will you just stifle your feelings and remain in the relationship? If so, why?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

Ha! I get what you are saying. I guess because she has been friends with this woman for like 6 years and they have developed a pattern of communication whether my gf has been in or out of a relationship, and my gf considers her like family in a sense. So, I think it’s more about what to say or how to dial something back that has been pretty constant. I know she doesn’t want to lose this woman from her life in spite of the fact that she isn’t a healthy person. 

If this person is like family wouldn't she want her family person to know about her partner who is "like family?" You can use all the fancy words you want - she's not a robot with a set "pattern" - and if she's "like family" she can tell her family-person either you accept my partner and act in a supportive way or I have to choose my partner -she is my family now.  

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thanks, all- she does know about us. I’m not making excuses. Apparently she sent her our most recent picture that we took and she has tried to talk about us. The woman just doesn’t want to hear it. And so yes, she should then insert boundaries rather than just appease her by continuing to talk to her every day and just rarely mention me. Thank you all for your sound advice. 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

Thanks, all- she does know about us. I’m not making excuses. Apparently she sent her our most recent picture that we took and she has tried to talk about us. The woman just doesn’t want to hear it. And so yes, she should then insert boundaries rather than just appease her by continuing to talk to her every day and just rarely mention me. Thank you all for your sound advice. 

There's no trying.  There's doing and not doing.  So if I need to talk to my son about something he doesn't want to talk about but it has to be done I either - get it done then or tell him that we have to talk about it at another time -and I make it clear what my timing is about that.  The woman "doesn't want to hear it" is a nonstarter - your girlfriend cannot control that.  She only can control herself.  So if this woman "doesn't want to hear it" your girlfriend shouldn't want to "hear" from this "family-like" friend.  

This is not about sending a photo.  It's about an interaction where you are going to come up in conversation because you are part of her life.  And that should be a given and at times -welcome - the friend should inquire as to how you are doing and feeling and what fun plans the two of you have etc.

Now -I avoid mentioning my husband or child to friends who feel badly because they want and do not have a child or they want and do not have a husband so where possible I use I statements and don't share kid type stories.  But - the big difference is -it's not because it's anything personal about my child or my husband or that they want me all to themselves without husband or child in the picture.  It's my choice to be tactful with someone who might feel sensitive about "anyone" having what she wants in her life.  

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

she should then insert boundaries rather than just appease her by continuing to talk to her every day and just rarely mention me.

So if she refuses and continues to allow this person to disrespect your relationship are you willing to overlook it to appease and try to "keep" her? 

You have the right to set boundaries as well.

[Nebraskagirl14]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

There's no trying.  There's doing and not doing.  So if I need to talk to my son about something he doesn't want to talk about but it has to be done I either - get it done then or tell him that we have to talk about it at another time -and I make it clear what my timing is about that.  The woman "doesn't want to hear it" is a nonstarter - your girlfriend cannot control that.  She only can control herself.  So if this woman "doesn't want to hear it" your girlfriend shouldn't want to "hear" from this "family-like" friend.  

This is not about sending a photo.  It's about an interaction where you are going to come up in conversation because you are part of her life.  And that should be a given and at times -welcome - the friend should inquire as to how you are doing and feeling and what fun plans the two of you have etc.

Now -I avoid mentioning my husband or child to friends who feel badly because they want and do not have a child or they want and do not have a husband so where possible I use I statements and don't share kid type stories.  But - the big difference is -it's not because it's anything personal about my child or my husband or that they want me all to themselves without husband or child in the picture.  It's my choice to be tactful with someone who might feel sensitive about "anyone" having what she wants in her life.  

You’re so right, Batya. Thank you. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So if she refuses and continues to allow this person to disrespect your relationship are you willing to overlook it to appease and try to "keep" her? 

You have the right to set boundaries as well.

Definitely not, Boltnrun. I will not be okay with it and she knows that now. I wasn’t firm on it before, but in the conversation last night, I was very clear. Thank you 😊