My girlfriend has a "special friend" - Trying to figure out if it's my business to say something...

[Nebraskagirl14]

Hi, all-

My girlfriend of many months (we're lesbians) has a friend that I find really unsavory. She is also gay. There are other details I'll keep private, but she has a long-term partner that she has be unfaithful to emotionally. I'll just say that while I know my girlfriend isn't attracted to her and has friend-zoned her, the woman feels some kind of ownership over my girlfriend and has gotten pissed anytime my gf has dated anyone. My girlfriend stands up to her, but I think my girlfriend's solution, rather than to just dump this controlling woman out of her life, has been to limit how much she tells her about our relationship and about me. Okay, sure. Perhaps she is protecting our relationship, but it feels more like she is protecting this woman and probably just doesn't want the friend to get jealous and walk away. It really doesn't feel like it's about me. My girlfriend loves me and wants to be with me. That isn't the issue. The issue is that she texts this other woman every day and while I don't think the conversations are inappropriate in any way, it just feels really icky. I have addressed it with her several times and nothing changes. I also don't feel it's my place to control her friendships. This woman lives in another state and so they don't see each other, but, for example, my girlfriend will text this woman a picture of something we are doing but not mention WE are there together. I really find this a problem and I have no idea how to really address it.

Thanks for any help!

 

[DarkCh0c0]

48 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

I really find this a problem and I have no idea how to really address it.

Since you've talked to her about this several times already and nothing has changed, her stance is clear. She will keep her involved in her life.

Maybe it's time for a compromise? And if there isn't one, you might consider parting ways? If your gf respected your feelings enough, she would have limited contact with that friend already. Do you suspect your gf is emotionally cheating on your with her?

[Jibralta]

39 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

it feels more like she is protecting this woman and probably just doesn't want the friend to get jealous and walk away

You are probably right. I think you have to put your foot down firmly. But obviously, you have to choose your moments. 

[Batya33]

So this has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.  To me friendships outside of the relationship are really important to have. For so many reasons. In a serious relationship it’s not ok to be close friends with a person who is not supportive of the relationship. Then the choice has to be to prioritize the partner. This could mean cutting ties with the unsupportive person or having a boundary so the unsupportive person is not in contact enough to make a difference.  Sometimes it’s not possible. Like if the friend is involved professionally or if it is a family member on whom you depend but in your case she can easily choose to limit contact so they’re merely acquaintances or cut her off. She knows this person wants her romantically - does she like that in some way - the flattery of it?

your partner has loving feelings and is in a relationship with you but is acting in a disrespectful way and acting inconsistently with being in a committed relationship   So if she won’t change her behavior then you have to decide whether you’re willing to settle for her choosing this person who clearly wants you out of the picture over you   

 

[Kwothe28]

You are asking the wrong questions. The question isnt "Why isnt that woman leave us alone?", the question is "Why does my girlfriend allows that kind of behavior and hides our relationship from some rando?". Because this is entirely on your girlfriend. And her inability to cut this person off. Why? Who knows? Maybe she really does consider her a friend, maybe she likes to keep exes in "reserve" in case the current thing(aka you) doesnt work out. But this is something that you should definitely mind and have a problem with. And that should be adressed. Say that you are not OK with it and that she should cut her off. And then observe. If she starts to be "wishy washy" or promises to do it but she doesnt, feel free to just walk away. There is no place for you there if she is going to behave in an inappropriate way.

[MissCanuck]

A true friend is generally a friend of your relationship. 

Someone who is clearly not (and without good reason) is someone to be very wary of. But the problem is your girlfriend. She is the one tip-toeing around this woman and too afraid to be open about you and the relationship. That is a red flag, and suggests she is more worried about this other woman's feelings than yours. 

I would personally be re-evaluating your girlfriend's suitability as a partner. Her approach to this would not sit well with me at all. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thank you all for your responses. I addressed this with her a few minutes ago and she got angry and said there nothing she is doing wrong. I asked her to put boundaries in place for this friend and she just defended her behavior and said the friend has not crossed a boundary and this conversation is a waste of time. What I never understand is when you address a concern that would be a concern for almost anyone, her included, and your partner acts like you are being hugely irrational and like the insecurity is your problem alone.

[electricorchid]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. From what I read you wrote, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your girlfriend has full responsibility of this. That icky feeling you're getting is your intuition. I would have one last serious conversation with her about this friend of hers, she is not choosing your peace of mind over this friendship she has. You deserve for your girlfriend to give you piece of mind and nothing to worry about so either you see she takes action and changes her consistent communication with this "friend" of her's or it's over. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Since you've talked to her about this several times already and nothing has changed, her stance is clear. She will keep her involved in her life.

Maybe it's time for a compromise? And if there isn't one, you might consider parting ways? If your gf respected your feelings enough, she would have limited contact with that friend already. Do you suspect your gf is emotionally cheating on your with her?

I don't think she is emotionally cheating, no. I think the friend possibly is on her partner, though. My girlfriend is emotionally involved with me. She asked what I want her to do and I said, I don't know. Put boundaries in place. She feels like there are boundaries in place. Not sure where to go with it now. Now, she's upset that I brought it up, but at least I was honest.

[Nebraskagirl14]

40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A true friend is generally a friend of your relationship. 

Someone who is clearly not (and without good reason) is someone to be very wary of. But the problem is your girlfriend. She is the one tip-toeing around this woman and too afraid to be open about you and the relationship. That is a red flag, and suggests she is more worried about this other woman's feelings than yours. 

I would personally be re-evaluating your girlfriend's suitability as a partner. Her approach to this would not sit well with me at all. 

Love to see you still on this forum after all these years, MissCanuck 🙂 I truly appreciate your advice because I have gone back and forth on whether or not this is a "me" problem, or if I actually have a right to be upset. Thank you for your validation!

[Nebraskagirl14]

50 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So this has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.  To me friendships outside of the relationship are really important to have. For so many reasons. In a serious relationship it’s not ok to be close friends with a person who is not supportive of the relationship. Then the choice has to be to prioritize the partner. This could mean cutting ties with the unsupportive person or having a boundary so the unsupportive person is not in contact enough to make a difference.  Sometimes it’s not possible. Like if the friend is involved professionally or if it is a family member on whom you depend but in your case she can easily choose to limit contact so they’re merely acquaintances or cut her off. She knows this person wants her romantically - does she like that in some way - the flattery of it?

your partner has loving feelings and is in a relationship with you but is acting in a disrespectful way and acting inconsistently with being in a committed relationship   So if she won’t change her behavior then you have to decide whether you’re willing to settle for her choosing this person who clearly wants you out of the picture over you   

 

Yes, I honestly think she likes the flattery of it. It really does feel disrespectful and I'm glad I didn't just let her do it without saying something.

[Nebraskagirl14]

48 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are asking the wrong questions. The question isnt "Why isnt that woman leave us alone?", the question is "Why does my girlfriend allows that kind of behavior and hides our relationship from some rando?". Because this is entirely on your girlfriend. And her inability to cut this person off. Why? Who knows? Maybe she really does consider her a friend, maybe she likes to keep exes in "reserve" in case the current thing(aka you) doesnt work out. But this is something that you should definitely mind and have a problem with. And that should be adressed. Say that you are not OK with it and that she should cut her off. And then observe. If she starts to be "wishy washy" or promises to do it but she doesnt, feel free to just walk away. There is no place for you there if she is going to behave in an inappropriate way.

Thank you. She told me in no uncertain terms that she will not cut the woman out of her life. I didn't ask her to, but that is what she said. And yes, my problem is with my girlfriend and the kind of behavior she allows.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

Thank you all for your responses. I addressed this with her a few minutes ago and she got angry and said there nothing she is doing wrong. I asked her to put boundaries in place for this friend and she just defended her behavior and said the friend has not crossed a boundary and this conversation is a waste of time. What I never understand is when you address a concern that would be a concern for almost anyone, her included, and your partner acts like you are being hugely irrational and like the insecurity is your problem alone.

This is the person who you believe loves you and wants to be in a committed relationship with you? She has given you her answer. She intends to continue the friendship with this person in the way she has. 

so I would use I statements.  "I feel disrespected when you are in close contact with a person who is not supportive of our relationship.  I feel disrespected when you speak with her and exclude any mention of me including when you discuss places you and I have gone together." 

I wouldn't go there with the generalizing -you don't need to understand what "almost anyone" would do.  It's a distraction and you'll use it as an excuse to be "confused."  Focus on the simple nitty gritty details.  In your individual situation your standards are that your partner should have boundaries with a person who doesn't want you to be in the picture.  That if she's going to insist on being in contact that the contact be limited in such a way that shows that you are the priority and you are respected and you are her partner. 

Your writing in the third person and claiming you "don't understand" is going to give you an excuse not to address this directly, individually, swiftly.  There are people who would love this arrangement because perhaps they too had "friends" who they kept waiting in the wings or needed them for the ego boost.  There are people with really low self esteem who don't want to be "alone" so they settle for scraps. 

Keep this to this situation and deal with it head on even though it's hard.  Of course she got defensive.  You made demands on her about her friend instead of assertively telling her how you feel with I statements.  It's scary to use I statements because then you're seeing if the person responds in a caring way.  When you make demands the other person can dismiss you and tell you you're being overreaching/overprotective etc because demands aren't really appropriate in these circumstances.

She can be friends with whoever she likes but she has to know how you plan to react - not as a threat -as a simple fact.  "I see that you want to continue this friendship. I feel disrespected and I feel that if you choose to be friends with someone who wants me out of the picture that you are not invested enough in our relationship and it doesn't meet my personal standards of our commitment to each other.  I feel upset about that."  See what she says.  Then you're not demanding -she can do what she likes -but she might have to lose you in the process.  

[Batya33]

What does "she is emotionally involved with me" mean? That's gobbledygook.  Many people are "emotionally involved with you".  The question is -is she committed to you in a way that meets your standards and is her behavior and choices and actions consistent with that commitment.  Are her values compatible with yours? She chooses this person in part because she is flattered that this person is "jealous" - is that ok with your standards? 

Cold comfort to tell yourself "well she's friends with this person who wants me out of the picture and who I can't be friends with but I win because she is "emotionally involved" with me."  

[Nebraskagirl14]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This is the person who you believe loves you and wants to be in a committed relationship with you? She has given you her answer. She intends to continue the friendship with this person in the way she has. 

so I would use I statements.  "I feel disrespected when you are in close contact with a person who is not supportive of our relationship.  I feel disrespected when you speak with her and exclude any mention of me including when you discuss places you and I have gone together." 

I wouldn't go there with the generalizing -you don't need to understand what "almost anyone" would do.  It's a distraction and you'll use it as an excuse to be "confused."  Focus on the simple nitty gritty details.  In your individual situation your standards are that your partner should have boundaries with a person who doesn't want you to be in the picture.  That if she's going to insist on being in contact that the contact be limited in such a way that shows that you are the priority and you are respected and you are her partner. 

Your writing in the third person and claiming you "don't understand" is going to give you an excuse not to address this directly, individually, swiftly.  There are people who would love this arrangement because perhaps they too had "friends" who they kept waiting in the wings or needed them for the ego boost.  There are people with really low self esteem who don't want to be "alone" so they settle for scraps. 

Keep this to this situation and deal with it head on even though it's hard.  Of course she got defensive.  You made demands on her about her friend instead of assertively telling her how you feel with I statements.  It's scary to use I statements because then you're seeing if the person responds in a caring way.  When you make demands the other person can dismiss you and tell you you're being overreaching/overprotective etc because demands aren't really appropriate in these circumstances.

She can be friends with whoever she likes but she has to know how you plan to react - not as a threat -as a simple fact.  "I see that you want to continue this friendship. I feel disrespected and I feel that if you choose to be friends with someone who wants me out of the picture that you are not invested enough in our relationship and it doesn't meet my personal standards of our commitment to each other.  I feel upset about that."  See what she says.  Then you're not demanding -she can do what she likes -but she might have to lose you in the process.  

You put this beautifully. Thank you so much for this, Bayta. You're right. I should have used "I" statements. That is something I meant to do but clearly didn't. Either way, she claimed she is doing none of these things. Her response is, "I can't control how she feels or what she thinks."

[Nebraskagirl14]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What does "she is emotionally involved with me" mean? That's gobbledygook.  Many people are "emotionally involved with you".  The question is -is she committed to you in a way that meets your standards and is her behavior and choices and actions consistent with that commitment.  Are her values compatible with yours? She chooses this person in part because she is flattered that this person is "jealous" - is that ok with your standards? 

Cold comfort to tell yourself "well she's friends with this person who wants me out of the picture and who I can't be friends with but I win because she is "emotionally involved" with me."  

No, you're right. I'm not okay with it. The problem for me is that I have gone back and forth wondering if it was controlling of me to say anything about it. I don't want to control anyone's friendships. I think also, I recognize that I did this in the past to people and I don't want to come at it from some holier than thou perspective like I haven't ever done this to anyone. I just don't want it in my life anymore.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

. She told me in no uncertain terms that she will not cut the woman out of her life. 

Sorry this is happening. It may seem counterintuitive, but pull back. Your GF is trying to assert boundaries, but in your relationship. That means she is establishing her independence and asserting herself within the relationship. Including choosing and maintaining her own friends.

Once you back away she will come to her own conclusions. Try to be secure and confident. The relationship is new so you'll have to feel things out between each other. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

You put this beautifully. Thank you so much for this, Bayta. You're right. I should have used "I" statements. That is something I meant to do but clearly didn't. Either way, she claimed she is doing none of these things. Her response is, "I can't control how she feels or what she thinks."

She is right.  She can only control what she does.  We all have to take responsibility for what we do or do not do when we are in a committed relationship.  She has complete control over how to interact with a person who is not supportive of your committed relationship.  I assume the two of you have a common understanding of what your commitment means and each of your comfort levels when it comes to how you interact with others.  For example you probably have agreed not to date others right? 

[Nebraskagirl14]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It may seem counterintuitive, but pull back. Your GF is trying to assert boundaries, but in your relationship. That means she is establishing her independence and asserting herself within the relationship. Including choosing and maintaining her own friends.

Once you back away she will come to her own conclusions. Try to be secure and confident. The relationship is new so you'll have to feel things out between each other. 

Nice to see you, Wiseman 🙂 I see you are even wiser now. Thank you. This is great advice. I know for a fact that my gf doesn't want to be with this other woman. It just feel really gross that she is in daily contract with someone with whom she basically hides our relationship. I'll pull back. Thank you.

[Nebraskagirl14]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She is right.  She can only control what she does.  We all have to take responsibility for what we do or do not do when we are in a committed relationship.  She has complete control over how to interact with a person who is not supportive of your committed relationship.  I assume the two of you have a common understanding of what your commitment means and each of your comfort levels when it comes to how you interact with others.  For example you probably have agreed not to date others right? 

Yes, we are exclusive and committed to each other. She seems to think this other woman, in spite of not being supportive of us and though they are in daily contact, is no threat to our relationship. That makes no sense to me. The problem is, it's not overt. It's very much dancing on the lines of boundary issues. It feels like one of those situations where you don't admit it's inappropriate so you can keep doing it.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

Nice to see you, Wiseman 🙂 I see you are even wiser now. Thank you. This is great advice. I know for a fact that my gf doesn't want to be with this other woman. It just feel really gross that she is in daily contract with someone with whom she basically hides our relationship. I'll pull back. Thank you.

Here's what you know.  She doesn't want to be with you in the way you want to be with her and in the way you view your relationship.  If you want someone "emotionally involved" with you she is.  She is also "emotionally involved" with this woman. If you want a woman who values you in the same way you value her and your commitment and relationship you do not have that. She may never want to be with her "friend" or she may want to tomorrow or next month but the thing is she is keeping that option open and playing with fire.  It's icky.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

Yes, we are exclusive and committed to each other. She seems to think this other woman, in spite of not being supportive of us and though they are in daily contact, is no threat to our relationship. That makes no sense to me. The problem is, it's not overt. It's very much dancing on the lines of boundary issues. It feels like one of those situations where you don't admit it's inappropriate so you can keep doing it.

It is overt.  She is overtly contacting her daily.  This woman who wants you gone. It doesn't matter what she "admits" -this is not a court of law.  All that matters is you find her behavior disrespectful to you and the relationship.  She does not and she does not want to accommodate your concerns.

[Nebraskagirl14]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Here's what you know.  She doesn't want to be with you in the way you want to be with her and in the way you view your relationship.  If you want someone "emotionally involved" with you she is.  She is also "emotionally involved" with this woman. If you want a woman who values you in the same way you value her and your commitment and relationship you do not have that. She may never want to be with her "friend" or she may want to tomorrow or next month but the thing is she is keeping that option open and playing with fire.  It's icky.

I agree and that is all true. Thank you.

[Nebraskagirl14]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It is overt.  She is overtly contacting her daily.  This woman who wants you gone. It doesn't matter what she "admits" -this is not a court of law.  All that matters is you find her behavior disrespectful to you and the relationship.  She does not and she does not want to accommodate your concerns.

Also true. I really appreciate this because I truly had been wondering if this was just be being insecure and like I didn't have a right to voice my concerns. I can be codependent and I like to be mindful of my expectations of others, but it can, at times, make me question where it's appropriate to asset my boundaries without being unreasonable.

[Andrina]

There are many situations where people like an ego boost and the excitement of an emotional affair, even if there is never an intention of having a physical affair. But emotional affairs are just as harmful as physical ones.

Examples: Co-workers who are attracted to one another, and one or both are taken, yet they treat each other FAR differently than any other co-worker, and look forward to that overly involved interaction every day at work. That's why the terms "work husband" and "work wife" come in.

I had a former group friend from my teen years ask to me my Facebook friend. I accepted and then he sent me a flirty message, even as he saw from my profile I was married. I immediately deleted him as a FB friend, because I don't need the ego boost and that'd be a crappy thing to do as far as my husband is concerned, to keep in contact with my former, inappropriate friend.

To me, this is sort of a similar situation you are in, because that woman has a crush on your gf. Therefore, no matter how your gf has enjoyed the friendship in the past, now that she's in a serious relationship, she should be making decisions that are conducive to preserving your relationship.

Sometimes one should end friendships under certain circumstances, and this is one of them. 

If you can't count on a partner to make the right decision, then they aren't the right partner for you. Because the right partner won't have you upset the majority of the time. This problem is one that happens daily with their daily contact. In your shoes, after nothing positive happened after the discussion, I'd be saying, "This relationship isn't working for me."