I’m so lonely and feel like I’ve wasted my life

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Oh, and there are some people that do not state their clear intentions from the beginning, as in they seem confused, lost, don't know what they want and people like me and OP, or I prefer to speak in my name, hold onto hope that we can change that by having patience and showing how cool we are, but I arrived to the conclusion that this approach doesn't help at all and it's so unhealthy. This is why, I know that where I have to work on. On my self esteem and in learning how to prevent choosing wrong partners for me 

Let "confused" people sort things out on their own and come to you when they are not "confused."  It's kind of fun -the challenge to try to win over a "confused" person.  But ultimately counterproductive to finding an LTR.  No need to state clear intentions from the beginning - our beginning was really a second beginning -all you need to know from the beginning is general stuff if you're looking for serious -is the person single and available to date and is the person generally looking for a serious relationship.  

Im not really into auditioning for a relationship -sure you make a first impression and all but I mean if you have to audition and look cool etc and win someone over once you win then what -then you have to show who you really are? Patience for sure - patience and humility once you are in a healthy serious relationship. 

Giving grace, cutting slack -but patience so a "confused" person can become unconfused? About whether he wants to be with you? I was like that in an on and off relationship.  So many ugly core shaking doubts I kept trying to tamp down because he was such an awesome person, so caring and loving and I loved him! But he wasn't right for me.  I couldn't admit that to myself so I drove him crazy and it was a huge mistake on my part.  And he made the mistake of having "patience" with me.  Mistake - just wasted time and stress and hurt hearts.  Fortunately we cut the cord finally.  Wish we had years sooner.  Fortunately we each met our person and each got married in the same year as it turned out.  

[Chaeryoung]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Let "confused" people sort things out on their own and come to you when they are not "confused."  It's kind of fun -the challenge to try to win over a "confused" person.  But ultimately counterproductive to finding an LTR.  No need to state clear intentions from the beginning - our beginning was really a second beginning -all you need to know from the beginning is general stuff if you're looking for serious -is the person single and available to date and is the person generally looking for a serious relationship.  

Im not really into auditioning for a relationship -sure you make a first impression and all but I mean if you have to audition and look cool etc and win someone over once you win then what -then you have to show who you really are? Patience for sure - patience and humility once you are in a healthy serious relationship. 

Giving grace, cutting slack -but patience so a "confused" person can become unconfused? About whether he wants to be with you? I was like that in an on and off relationship.  So many ugly core shaking doubts I kept trying to tamp down because he was such an awesome person, so caring and loving and I loved him! But he wasn't right for me.  I couldn't admit that to myself so I drove him crazy and it was a huge mistake on my part.  And he made the mistake of having "patience" with me.  Mistake - just wasted time and stress and hurt hearts.  Fortunately we cut the cord finally.  Wish we had years sooner.  Fortunately we each met our person and each got married in the same year as it turned out.  

Thank you for sharing. Actually, although it hurts me, I think this guy did me a favor when he told me we go in different directions after behaving like a boyfriend. He had the decency not to lose my time any longer. 

[Chaeryoung]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Let "confused" people sort things out on their own and come to you when they are not "confused."  It's kind of fun -the challenge to try to win over a "confused" person.  But ultimately counterproductive to finding an LTR.  No need to state clear intentions from the beginning - our beginning was really a second beginning -all you need to know from the beginning is general stuff if you're looking for serious -is the person single and available to date and is the person generally looking for a serious relationship.  

Im not really into auditioning for a relationship -sure you make a first impression and all but I mean if you have to audition and look cool etc and win someone over once you win then what -then you have to show who you really are? Patience for sure - patience and humility once you are in a healthy serious relationship. 

Giving grace, cutting slack -but patience so a "confused" person can become unconfused? About whether he wants to be with you? I was like that in an on and off relationship.  So many ugly core shaking doubts I kept trying to tamp down because he was such an awesome person, so caring and loving and I loved him! But he wasn't right for me.  I couldn't admit that to myself so I drove him crazy and it was a huge mistake on my part.  And he made the mistake of having "patience" with me.  Mistake - just wasted time and stress and hurt hearts.  Fortunately we cut the cord finally.  Wish we had years sooner.  Fortunately we each met our person and each got married in the same year as it turned out.  

And this is what I and OP should integrate in our brains. If someone chooses to leave, we should let them go. We cannot force ourselves on people and ultimately, each person gets to decide what is best for themselves at the time being. Is it hard to accept? Yes. But what is the alternative? This limerent state signals that he have some issues that we have to work on. It is normal to hurt, OP, but it is not healthy to obsess over someone who decided to let you go. I used to obsess a lot over ex partners and it did nothing but hurt me more and more. Practice letting go. Practice self care. 

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Thank you for sharing. Actually, although it hurts me, I think this guy did me a favor when he told me we go in different directions after behaving like a boyfriend. He had the decency not to lose my time any longer. 

Yes. This means you have opportunities to be proactive about meeting people. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

Do most people have a failed relationship? 

 

You're kidding, right?  I'm sure you're aware enough of the world around you to realize that almost nobody is married and living the rest of their life out with the first person they ever went out with.   

Do you have friends?  Haven't you been around people who were going through a breakup?

[smackie9]

You are 27 and bad things happen to you and you don't know why. We really can't help you.  The truth: Without therapy you won't have the life you expect to have. That is your answer....therapy. Possibly in need of a diagnose for depression, possible personality disorder. How you perceive yourself is not what people see of you, and what they see of you, you can't see/understand. That's is what is confusing you of everyone's reaction to you, and how they treat you. Some, like your ex for example, is intentional/motivated possibly, and for the others just reacting to your negative vibe/ behaviour.

You need to take a big step and get professional help. Dip your toes in, and sign up for a few sessions.

[Frostypeach]

On 1/1/2023 at 5:54 PM, smackie9 said:

You are 27 and bad things happen to you and you don't know why. We really can't help you.  The truth: Without therapy you won't have the life you expect to have. That is your answer....therapy. Possibly in need of a diagnose for depression, possible personality disorder. How you perceive yourself is not what people see of you, and what they see of you, you can't see/understand. That's is what is confusing you of everyone's reaction to you, and how they treat you. Some, like your ex for example, is intentional/motivated possibly, and for the others just reacting to your negative vibe/ behaviour.

You need to take a big step and get professional help. Dip your toes in, and sign up for a few sessions.

I don’t believe I have a personality disorder. I’m just lonely and hurt rather than something like borderline personality. I’m not impulsive or angry or anything like that. I’m diagnosed with depression but trying to work on that. The personality disorder thing scares me a little 

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I don’t believe I have a personality disorder.

I don't think you come across like you have a personality disorder. You seem to have codependent tendencies and low self esteem, which a therapist can help you with.

[smackie9]

6 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

I don’t believe I have a personality disorder. I’m just lonely and hurt rather than something like borderline personality. I’m not impulsive or angry or anything like that. I’m diagnosed with depression but trying to work on that. The personality disorder thing scares me a little 

I meant some type of personality disorder not BPD.

[Frostypeach]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't think you come across like you have a personality disorder. You seem to have codependent tendencies and low self esteem, which a therapist can help you with.

If I am codependent, I feel like it’s in the sense that I like providing for someone and somebody ‘needing me.’ I have made close friends by enjoying being there for someone. Like my ex, he was new to this country, and I loved helping him find a job, supporting and doing things for him 
 

last Christmas, I was sad to leave my family and go back to my house. My house was very cold and my housemates were quite cold with me all the time so I felt a little sad. My ex then told me ‘this is a red flag to me, tells me you’re codependent on your parents.’ But I don’t feel like I am dependent on them

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

If I am codependent, I feel like it’s in the sense that I like providing for someone and somebody ‘needing me.’ I have made close friends by enjoying being there for someone. Like my ex, he was new to this country, and I loved helping him find a job, supporting and doing things for him 
 

last Christmas, I was sad to leave my family and go back to my house. My house was very cold and my housemates were quite cold with me all the time so I felt a little sad. My ex then told me ‘this is a red flag to me, tells me you’re codependent on your parents.’ But I don’t feel like I am dependent on them

 

I'd stop listening to wanna be psychologists who spew psychobabble. And it's so boring -people who jump to labels often lack an original way of expressing themselves. Please.  I think it's normal to enjoy helping others and becomes concerning if you do that as a friend and the other friend never reciprocates.  I think friendships go through cycles so it's not a scorecard but if the person who is in crisis doesn't acknowledge the one-sidedness and then -later - become less in her head/self-absorbed -that could be a red flag.  

There's this great Sex and the City where Carrie takes a stand with Aidan who is being too needy -she comes home and he's all gushy and she says "look I need my space for awhile -I'm going to go in the other room (which requires pulling a curtain across the only room LOL) - and I'll let you know when I want to talk" -not verbatim but like that.  So she sets herself up with her book and whatever.  Aidan meanwhile is chowing down and watching the game or like that.  So her need for space lasts like 5 minutes -she realizes she got what she wished for, what she stood up for but in reality -it's a bit lonely!

Look people think they want X and realize they actually want Y- for example let's say your family surprised you that very night you came home and barged into your home and wanted to order in and watch holiday movies etc - I bet at first you'd have been like wow this is great and then realized "ok I was sad at the transition but um I just wanna eat cold cereal and watch Lifetime movies. By myself."

I'd ignore your friend with the penchant to label and play at being a professional -act like he is making a joke instead of getting defensive.  I do think sometimes labeling is from a place of caring - someone who is genuinely concerned and wants to motivate the person to see a doctor.  Etc.

[boltnrun]

Codependency is being so fearful of not being loved or wanted you'll do anything to try to get and keep someone's love, even to your own detriment. It's not the same thing as dependency. Codependents will inconvenience themselves, empty their bank accounts, max out their credit cards or risk losing their jobs to do things for others because their greatest fear is being told "I don't love or want you anymore". Unless you went so overboard with "helping" that guy, it might not apply to you.

Do you believe you have healthy self esteem?

[Frostypeach]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Codependency is being so fearful of not being loved or wanted you'll do anything to try to get and keep someone's love, even to your own detriment. It's not the same thing as dependency. Codependents will inconvenience themselves, empty their bank accounts, max out their credit cards or risk losing their jobs to do things for others because their greatest fear is being told "I don't love or want you anymore". Unless you went so overboard with "helping" that guy, it might not apply to you.

Do you believe you have healthy self esteem?

I didn’t go that far, but I did do a lot for him. It was only little things though, like cooking for him, buying his fave foods, supporting him emotionally and helping him find a new place to live. I didn’t feel inconvenienced

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I didn’t go that far, but I did do a lot for him. It was only little things though, like cooking for him, buying his fave foods, supporting him emotionally and helping him find a new place to live. I didn’t feel inconvenienced

Did he do any of those things for you?

Do you believe you have healthy self esteem?