I’m so lonely and feel like I’ve wasted my life

[Frostypeach]

I’m now 27 and feel utterly alone. I used to be very sociable and active in university and college, deep down I have a low self esteem though and self conscious about how I come across. But when I got to know people, I was witty, funny and had enjoyable conversations.

however I never dated. I’m quite shy. And felt totally invisible to men. And finally when I did start dating, they only wanted sex. I really worried about my personality, I fear I’m not interesting enough.

i tried to put my fears behind me and last year met a boyfriend on tinder. He was my physical type. He was very geeky and texted me non stop day and night, telling me about his day, random things, memes and voice notes. I thought this meant he really liked me as even before he met he was liked ‘wow I feel we connect already before we’ve even met, hopefully we will move closer together to each other soon xx’. We had so much fun in the beginning and I felt confident and happy, chatty, lots of laughs and comfortable. Finally I felt like myself! But he never took me on dates or did anything for me and over time my lack of confidence crept in. He even told me that on the first date he felt I didn’t listen to him when he asked me questions when I was telling him a story, he told me this a few months in and I was upset because I was sos so nervous on the first date. He started pointing out my flaws and seeming annoyed with me all the time despite me putting effort in. I felt self concious that I was boring, but I was the one planning things for us to do and he would rather stay home and watch tv. That’s all we ever did. I started to really struggle to have conversations with him, I would come up with the most random things just so we could talk. There were so many awkward silences and I started to worry I was just socially awkward, when in the beginning I wasn’t. And when he dumped me he said he dated me because he was lonely.

when we broke up, I was devastated. I’ve actually taken it as confirmation im just unlovable. I feel invisible to the world. I’ve tried making friends but it’s only ever one sided. The whole year I’ve tried reaching out to old friends and don’t even get replies. Actually now I don’t have any friends at all and no romantic prospects and I’m utterly terrified. Even my housemates don’t bother with me, I try and see if they want to play board games and go to a cafe but they just do things without me

last year I also lived in a houseshare and I loved it, everyone seemed to like me and I connected with everyone. Then I got quite stressed with work and became quite withdrawn (I communicated this) but when my stress resided, they just started going out without me, to pub quizzes. They started ignoring me and excluding me and wouldn’t even let me sit in the living room with them, without giving me dirty looks. I didn’t know how to make them like me again, so I did a lot for them like driving them to the train station, getting a new kitchen table, bringing some beers home from my local brewery. But nothing seemed to change. I moved out as I was so upset and confused

after my breakup I threw myself into my career as I thought maybe things would be better if I got a promotion. I keep getting passed over for promotion at work and I’m starting to really dislike my job and working from home is so lonely. I have three degrees but I earn barely anything to get by.

Frankly, I feel really worried I’m just a loser and will be single forever. I don’t feel like me anymore. All my old school friends are getting married and having babies and I would love nothing more.

I’ve had therapy too and for a few months I felt happy about myself. Now I just feel back to how I was before, worrying that I’m just got something wrong with my personality that makes me unlovable. I used to be known as the smiliest person around, now people say I don’t smile much. I try getting out and doing things but I never enjoy things anymore, I’m always thinking about how noone wants me

I feel like I’m really unlucky and behind in life and everything I do to change my life fails too

 

 

[Batya33]

My suggestion -in addition to therapy/getting evaluated - how about giving yoursel 5 minutes a day or so where you focus on your pity party -let it all out -write it out or yell it out or wallow in pity - but have a timer -five or ten minutes and that's it.  

What kind of volunteer work do you do now or have you done? I know of a number of people in your age group who are introverted and do really well volunteering backstage in community theater -helping to build sets or with lighting or costumes.  Marriages and relationships are fairly typical and lots of bonding and close friends. Your conversations will then be naturally more interesting.

Are you a reader -or into music? theater? travel? Some of the best convos I have are about books - with other people who are bookworms like me.  And I'm fairly well traveled so it's fun to talk about places we've been/want to go, anecdotes from travel. 

Also are you a person who is always rehearsing what to say next? Or are you a good listener? You can't be both you know.  Do you ask good follow up questions and are they genuine?

My friend who I hadn't seen in person in years (um thanks covid) I saw the other day.  She just started a new business I know about as a total outsider - totally different from what I do -but I care- I'm curious- I want to cheer her on and hear all about it so I did and I asked the best questions I could as an outsider.  Turns out ironically she is being mentored by another friend of ours - and I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't encouraged her to talk about her new passion.  Do you do that or do you "try" to be funny/silly instead of actually listening?

If you're not passionate about your job that likely is a factor in getting passed over for promotions.  Also comparing yourself is deadly especially at your age when you'll see friends getting engaged/married/having babies and I didn't have to endure social media with it all in my face and it was hard enough for me wanting to be married and not finding the right person (and realizing there was no way I would settle).  

Example -my friend's daughter is 26.  She got married at 17.  To her love of her life -yes they'd started dating when she was like 14 -he is 2 years older.  He's gorgeous.  So is she.  I mean model looks.  Now they have 3 young kids including a baby.  He is wealthy already - left his family business, started his own -same area but his own - it's like taking off.  She graduated high school. I don't think he did.  They rent a gorgeous house.  She is a stay at home mom.  He pays for her to hire all sorts of help other than with the kids -so she focuses on the kids while all cooking and cleaning are done by others.  

Photos on Facebook -drop dead gorgeous family, lots of romantic drooling messages too (although G rated lol).  Here's what you don't know  - she suffered from PPD type stuff with the babies, panic attacks too.  She's on meds and weaning off. She gained a lot of weight.  So did husband.  They're both trying to lose.  Her family growing up was quite dysfunctional. Also heaven forbid if something happened she's never worked.  She has no degree.  No marketable skills.  And this is not the 1950s.

Please know that this is why comparing is such a bad idea.  Life isn't fair -this woman really has quite a nice life  -she and husband are in love (no not just on FB -I know this) - their kids are gorgeous and smart and love their parents.  Her mom and she are close.  Life isn't fair -does she have it "better" than you -well yes she does because you want a lot of what she has -but you know what it's a package deal.  From the outside you think you are all alone and a loser because you don't have this sort of lifestyle but your perspective is really narrow -you're focused on more of the social media aspects.

[Frostypeach]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My suggestion -in addition to therapy/getting evaluated - how about giving yoursel 5 minutes a day or so where you focus on your pity party -let it all out -write it out or yell it out or wallow in pity - but have a timer -five or ten minutes and that's it.  

What kind of volunteer work do you do now or have you done? I know of a number of people in your age group who are introverted and do really well volunteering backstage in community theater -helping to build sets or with lighting or costumes.  Marriages and relationships are fairly typical and lots of bonding and close friends. Your conversations will then be naturally more interesting.

Are you a reader -or into music? theater? travel? Some of the best convos I have are about books - with other people who are bookworms like me.  And I'm fairly well traveled so it's fun to talk about places we've been/want to go, anecdotes from travel. 

Also are you a person who is always rehearsing what to say next? Or are you a good listener? You can't be both you know.  Do you ask good follow up questions and are they genuine?

My friend who I hadn't seen in person in years (um thanks covid) I saw the other day.  She just started a new business I know about as a total outsider - totally different from what I do -but I care- I'm curious- I want to cheer her on and hear all about it so I did and I asked the best questions I could as an outsider.  Turns out ironically she is being mentored by another friend of ours - and I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't encouraged her to talk about her new passion.  Do you do that or do you "try" to be funny/silly instead of actually listening?

If you're not passionate about your job that likely is a factor in getting passed over for promotions.  Also comparing yourself is deadly especially at your age when you'll see friends getting engaged/married/having babies and I didn't have to endure social media with it all in my face and it was hard enough for me wanting to be married and not finding the right person (and realizing there was no way I would settle).  

Example -my friend's daughter is 26.  She got married at 17.  To her love of her life -yes they'd started dating when she was like 14 -he is 2 years older.  He's gorgeous.  So is she.  I mean model looks.  Now they have 3 young kids including a baby.  He is wealthy already - left his family business, started his own -same area but his own - it's like taking off.  She graduated high school. I don't think he did.  They rent a gorgeous house.  She is a stay at home mom.  He pays for her to hire all sorts of help other than with the kids -so she focuses on the kids while all cooking and cleaning are done by others.  

Photos on Facebook -drop dead gorgeous family, lots of romantic drooling messages too (although G rated lol).  Here's what you don't know  - she suffered from PPD type stuff with the babies, panic attacks too.  She's on meds and weaning off. She gained a lot of weight.  So did husband.  They're both trying to lose.  Her family growing up was quite dysfunctional. Also heaven forbid if something happened she's never worked.  She has no degree.  No marketable skills.  And this is not the 1950s.

Please know that this is why comparing is such a bad idea.  Life isn't fair -this woman really has quite a nice life  -she and husband are in love (no not just on FB -I know this) - their kids are gorgeous and smart and love their parents.  Her mom and she are close.  Life isn't fair -does she have it "better" than you -well yes she does because you want a lot of what she has -but you know what it's a package deal.  From the outside you think you are all alone and a loser because you don't have this sort of lifestyle but your perspective is really narrow -you're focused on more of the social media aspects.

I know this sounds awful, but since my breakup I’ve just stopped even caring about other people. Like I don’t feel genuinely interested in people I just feel jealous. I feel like I’ve never maintained a friendship as there must be something wrong with me. i really cared about my ex, I keep thinking if I was desirable, he would have at least paid for me to get a coffee on a date or something

I just feel like I’ve given up. My work is taking over my life, it’s really stressful and pays close to nothing.

 

i don’t even think I’m introverted. Everyone says I come across as an extrovert

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I know this sounds awful, but since my breakup I’ve just stopped even caring about other people. Like I don’t feel genuinely interested in people I just feel jealous. I feel like I’ve never maintained a friendship as there must be something wrong with me. i really cared about my ex, I keep thinking if I was desirable, he would have at least paid for me to get a coffee on a date or something

I just feel like I’ve given up. My work is taking over my life, it’s really stressful and pays close to nothing.

 

i don’t even think I’m introverted. Everyone says I come across as an extrovert

OK so it's like what they teach you in kindergarten or earlier -to make a friend you have to be a friend. It's up to you.  It doesn't sound awful.  It is what it is.  Your choice. You can't maintain a friendship because it would be one sided -you don't care, you don't want to put in the effort.  Developing and maintaining friendships often take a lot of time and effort.  At least mine do.  But it's worth it to me. It's not worth it to everyone.  

Perhaps you will choose to do some good reading/seek therapy if you don't like being this way.  I recommend Martha Beck's writings, Alain De Boton and oldie but goodie -A Fine Romance by Judith Sills.  

It's easy to give up.  I mean if you are depressed that's certainly not an easy situation so I suggest you seek out medical attention first and foremost.  

[Kwothe28]

Only 27? You are still very young. Most of people dont get accomplished about the work until probably 30s. Same with marriage and kids. Depending on where you live, some people get into marriage even in late 30s, even 40s and beyond.

So, where is the rush? You still have more then enough time to get accomplished when it comes to work, to find somebody, even to have kids if that is what you desire. There is no need to say "Oh I am 27, I am a giant failure because my friend Becky got some job and married before me". Do things at you own pace. You should try to get that promotion, meet some new friends or even get the relationship. But even if you fail, you still have more then enough time to make up for it.

Also

50 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I keep thinking if I was desirable, he would have at least paid for me to get a coffee on a date or something

Please dont compare what some narcissist did and link your self-worth based on that. Its really a bad way and it would ruin you in the long track. You should really do some therapy if you think how your awful ex not buying you coffee makes you somehow undesirable.

[Frostypeach]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Only 27? You are still very young. Most of people dont get accomplished about the work until probably 30s. Same with marriage and kids. Depending on where you live, some people get into marriage even in late 30s, even 40s and beyond.

So, where is the rush? You still have more then enough time to get accomplished when it comes to work, to find somebody, even to have kids if that is what you desire. There is no need to say "Oh I am 27, I am a giant failure because my friend Becky got some job and married before me". Do things at you own pace. You should try to get that promotion, meet some new friends or even get the relationship. But even if you fail, you still have more then enough time to make up for it.

Also

Please dont compare what some narcissist did and link your self-worth based on that. Its really a bad way and it would ruin you in the long track. You should really do some therapy if you think how your awful ex not buying you coffee makes you somehow undesirable.

I still don’t know if he’s awful. I can see he is now always hanging out with this sweet girl and he’s doing loads of fun things with her, that he never did with me. He never even tried to connect with me and I’m so confused by that. My family says it’s all my fault that I don’t have a boyfriend at 27. 
 

the sad thing is, I really miss my ex, I wish I still had his friendship. He stayed friends with all of his ex girlfriends before me and I don’t know why I was cut off completely

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Flowerbee said:

I still don’t know if he’s awful. I can see he is now always hanging out with this sweet girl and he’s doing loads of fun things with her, that he never did with me. He never even tried to connect with me and I’m so confused by that. My family says it’s all my fault that I don’t have a boyfriend at 27. 
 

the sad thing is, I really miss my ex, I wish I still had his friendship. He stayed friends with all of his ex girlfriends before me and I don’t know why I was cut off completely

Finding a healthful relationship requires being the right person to find the right person and good timing and a nice dose of luck very often.  If you're not interested in putting in the effort to be a friend as you wrote above then don't even attempt dating right now as far as dating for purposes of a relationship.  As the late Dr. Joy Browne commented often dating requires even more "skill" at times than developing a platonic friendship.  It's not your fault -it's your choice.  You choose not to do what it takes to develop friendships or be a friend so why would you think you're ready to put in the effort to date with serious potential?

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I wish I still had his friendship. He stayed friends with all of his ex girlfriends before me and I don’t know why I was cut off completely

It would be a terrible idea to stay friends with him. 

You would be crushed to be his buddy and watch him fall in love with someone else. Don't fool yourself into thinking being friends would somehow be better than being exes who are no longer in touch. It wouldn't. 

[Andrina]

No wonder you haven't gotten over him. You're checking on what he's doing, keeping him present in your life.

And a future love interest will feel smothered being the sole center of your universe when you don't have any friends.

Develop a happy life solo before entering the dating world again. Your mindset should be adding a companion to your happy life, versus having a man being the only reason you're happy.

You were given a lot of great advice in a previous post. Why haven't you taken it and started applying it?

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

I still don’t know if he’s awful. I can see he is now always hanging out with this sweet girl and he’s doing loads of fun things with her, that he never did with me. He never even tried to connect with me and I’m so confused by that.

Ultimately it doesnt matter. We are better without some people in our lives. Your ex found somebody else to use. To pay for his drinks, to use for rent, whatever. You should be opening a champagne that somebody like that doesnt try to contact you. Instead you are crying because he doesnt. Do you actually want to be used by him just to get some validation? Its not really a positive quality by you. And it will most likely reflect on someone else that goes along your way. You should strive not to be used by anyone. To find somebody who would appreciate you as an individual. And not by how much and for what they can use you. If you cant see that, yes, you should indeed enroll into therapy. It might also do something with your self esteem issue.

[Starlight925]

I'll be a bit harsh here, but I'll say it:

On your last thread, you had pages & pages of advice that you ignored.  Everyone told you what a loser, user, narcissist this guy was, yet you're here, on yet another thread, saying what a good guy he is.

You're not hearing anyone but yourself, which was one of his issues with you.

To become likable, you have to become Interested, not Interesting.

This guy was. A Loser.  I don't care what his social media shows.  I don't care how he's flowering her with lovey dovey dates, I don't care what they look like in all their pics.  Maybe she has a super low self-esteem and is happy to just receive any attention.   He is not a good guy.  For you, at least, as you had a litany of reasons with which everyone agreed.

Honestly, I gave up on your last thread because I realize that none of the great advice you received was being heard.

While I apologize for my harsh tone, I'm trying to get through to you that your self esteem is at issue.

You accepted a guy who, from Date ONE, had complaints about you.  Date One!  That should be the butterflies, thinking about kissing each other, ooooh our knees just touched, date.  Not, Oh, I have a complaint about you.

You say that he said this to you later on, that you don't listen, which is, quite frankly, a very annoying trait in any type of relationship.  When someone is telling a story, instead of interrupting, just. keep. your. mouth. shut.  Ask a question, so they can continue.  Don't say, "Oh, this happened to me, here's my story blah blah blah".  Just. Listen.  Again:  Become Interested.  Not Interesting.

[Frostypeach]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

I'll be a bit harsh here, but I'll say it:

On your last thread, you had pages & pages of advice that you ignored.  Everyone told you what a loser, user, narcissist this guy was, yet you're here, on yet another thread, saying what a good guy he is.

You're not hearing anyone but yourself, which was one of his issues with you.

To become likable, you have to become Interested, not Interesting.

This guy was. A Loser.  I don't care what his social media shows.  I don't care how he's flowering her with lovey dovey dates, I don't care what they look like in all their pics.  Maybe she has a super low self-esteem and is happy to just receive any attention.   He is not a good guy.  For you, at least, as you had a litany of reasons with which everyone agreed.

Honestly, I gave up on your last thread because I realize that none of the great advice you received was being heard.

While I apologize for my harsh tone, I'm trying to get through to you that your self esteem is at issue.

You accepted a guy who, from Date ONE, had complaints about you.  Date One!  That should be the butterflies, thinking about kissing each other, ooooh our knees just touched, date.  Not, Oh, I have a complaint about you.

You say that he said this to you later on, that you don't listen, which is, quite frankly, a very annoying trait in any type of relationship.  When someone is telling a story, instead of interrupting, just. keep. your. mouth. shut.  Ask a question, so they can continue.  Don't say, "Oh, this happened to me, here's my story blah blah blah".  Just. Listen.  Again:  Become Interested.  Not Interesting.

Oh I took the advice. I’m starting to realise he is a loser. I wish there was a way to tell for sure if someone is a narcissist

 

about the listening thing, what I meant is, he said that when I was telling a story, he would come in and ask questions and I would skip over the questions. I remember I was very nervous and in the flow of telling a story so I may have just kept talking. But I’m a good listener to him. He never asked me about myself though he only ever talked about himself, never asked personal things about my job and life. But I asked him so many questions about him. I’ve even asked my family if I skip over things they say when they talk and they said no

[Batya33]

You are not his physician or his therapist so you don't need to know whether he has any diagnosis.  Why -for your ego? What if -worst case scenario - he simply wasn't that into you and you brought out this mean side of him.  What if he does work, really changes his life, his perspective, his mindset and then finds the right woman -who won't be you? Life isn't fair - I missed out on some potentially really good relationships because I wasn't in the right headspace/timing was off, etc.  I came very close to marrying a man who is now married to a man.  I had no clue he was gay and honestly he didn't really either -he was fighting it in his 20s.  I got in my own way.

Great advice to be interested not "interesting" - what you said above about not wanting to put in the effort to be a good friend - consider perhaps changing that attitude and showing it in your actions.  The rewards are life changing despite the risks.

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I wish there was a way to tell for sure if someone is a narcissist

Irrelevant.

When someone treats you poorly you stop seeing them.  It really is that simple.  What complicates the situation is when you want a boyfriend so badly you're willing to put up with almost anything or you assign the blame to yourself (or invent a medical condition) to give yourself permission to stay in the situation.  But that doesn't bring you happiness, as you've found.

You can't go back in time and erase "wasted" time.  All you can do is resolve to never do this again.  Resolve to treat yourself well.  Resolve to remove people from your life who don't treat you well.  If you struggle with this, look into therapy to help give you the tools to be your own best advocate.

And definitely stop looking at his social media and/or asking people what he's doing.  This helps you not at all and keeps you stuck in a bad situation.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

the sad thing is, I really miss my ex, I wish I still had his friendship.

How long ago did you break up?

2 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

I’m starting to realise he is a loser. I wish there was a way to tell for sure if someone is a narcissist

Well, diagnoses sometimes vary between doctors! So is there any way to know for sure? Probably not. But you can read up about narcissism and the different ways it manifests in people. I find it fascinating. And it's been very, very helpful to me when I find myself navigating difficult situations with people. Learning to understand a thing is very important.

[Jaunty]

You need to leave your fixation on your ex behind, including wanting to know whether he's a narcissist or not.  It doesn't matter.  It is a relationship that ultimately failed.  Join the club.  You are in plenty of good company around here.  Yes, it's very painful but you will get past it.  Stop indulging in it so much.

[Frostypeach]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

You need to leave your fixation on your ex behind, including wanting to know whether he's a narcissist or not.  It doesn't matter.  It is a relationship that ultimately failed.  Join the club.  You are in plenty of good company around here.  Yes, it's very painful but you will get past it.  Stop indulging in it so much.

Do most people have a failed relationship? 
 

I’ve just felt so alone with it. I’m scared it means he was never attracted to me. Despite telling me he was incredibly attracted to me. He said I was the prettiest out of all the women he’s dated and showed me off to his friends. But then I hope it’s not my personality that fails me, I always felt so self conscious in the relationship but he wasn’t making me feel comfortable in the end. I started to be so socially awkward around him

 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Do most people have a failed relationship? 
 

I’ve just felt so alone with it. I’m scared it means he was never attracted to me. Despite telling me he was incredibly attracted to me. He said I was the prettiest out of all the women he’s dated and showed me off to his friends. But then I hope it’s not my personality that fails me, I always felt so self conscious in the relationship but he wasn’t making me feel comfortable in the end. I started to be so socially awkward around him

 

I had more than one. So do most people I know.  What’s scary about one person not being attracted to you anymore ? Why do you care about being arm candy or prettier than exes ? I have no idea if I am and I’ve dated men who were more attractive looking than my husband and less and same. Who cares ? What’s with the comparisons and why do you care if someone shows you off like arm candy ? 
I felt amazing on my wedding day. But I don’t remember focusing on what I looked like as opposed to what I felt like. I felt magical and natural at the same time. Never felt like that before.
 

I have no idea if my husband thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world nor did I consider it.  I was pretty and I looked glowing from the inside. And because I was pregnant. I was thrilled to have my family and his there but not to be shown off or be fawned over. Just they were there to share in our joy and love. 
I think relationships take two people who feel at home with each other.  You didn’t feel at home with him. The end. 

[Chaeryoung]

43 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Do most people have a failed relationship? 
 

I’ve just felt so alone with it. I’m scared it means he was never attracted to me. Despite telling me he was incredibly attracted to me. He said I was the prettiest out of all the women he’s dated and showed me off to his friends. But then I hope it’s not my personality that fails me, I always felt so self conscious in the relationship but he wasn’t making me feel comfortable in the end. I started to be so socially awkward around him

 

Something similar happened to me recently, in the sense that the guy enumerated my qualities, said only positive things about me as a person. His level of attraction (according to him) was really high and I could notice it, and he treated me very well, apart from the fact that he didn't want what I wanted, namely commitment, but acted at times like he wanted. Needless to say, the whole experience left me tremendously hurt and I can resonate with you in the sense that I have moments in which I feel hopeless, doomed in the romantic aspect of my life. 

Prior to this last guy, I had a ldr for a year with a guy that I would say that did have strong feelings towards me, however, not strong enough not to leave me out of nowhere and never text me again afterwards. That excruciating experience, apart from being very traumatizing, accentuated my trust issues. Of course, human behavior is at time unpredictable, but I like to think that we have some sort of partial control on certain things. 

I decided to not hurt myself by obsessing over someone who gave up on me. It hurts like hell when someone rejects you, but if there is a lesson I learned is that I should put my emotional wellbeing above most things. In this situation, obsessing and ruminating over a person who most probably doesn't even think about me is a huge detriment to myself and it is not fair to do that to ourselves. 

You mentioned something about your age. I am 26 and can feel some sort of pressure as well, but when I look around, plenty of people are settling for unhappy relationships, did not develop self-awareness, and many are not really happy. 

We have to work on our self-esteem and immediately avoid situation that might disrupt our progress. Wish you well and peace. I recommend a book that I am reading right now. I will insert a screenshot of it. Take care! 

[boltnrun]

I've had multiple relationships end (I don't consider them "failures") including my 14 year marriage.  Ultimately it turned out we weren't suited for each other.  Sure, I wish my marriage had worked out especially since I know for a fact I could have tried harder.  But again, we weren't right for each other even if I had tried to make it work.

You're fixated on this "ex" (it wasn't a relationship from what you wrote) almost a year later.  Will you consider working with a therapist to try to find a way to move past this?

Also, please stop lurking his social media.  That does nothing to help you move forward, in fact it keeps you stuck in the past.

[Chaeryoung]

Just now, Chaeryoung said:

Something similar happened to me recently, in the sense that the guy enumerated my qualities, said only positive things about me as a person. His level of attraction (according to him) was really high and I could notice it, and he treated me very well, apart from the fact that he didn't want what I wanted, namely commitment, but acted at times like he wanted. Needless to say, the whole experience left me tremendously hurt and I can resonate with you in the sense that I have moments in which I feel hopeless, doomed in the romantic aspect of my life. 

Prior to this last guy I was in a situationship, I had a ldr for a year with a guy that I would say that did have strong feelings towards me, however, not strong enough to leave me out of nowhere and never text me again afterwards. That excruciating experience, apart from being very traumatizing, taught me a big lesson, namely that I should watch better for red flags and not put myself in situations that have the potential to leave me heartbroken. Of course, human behavior is at time unpredictable, but I like to think that we have some sort of partial control on certain things. 

I decided to not hurt myself by obsessing over someone who gave up on me. It hurts like hell when someone rejects you, but if there is a lesson I learned is that I should put my emotional wellbeing above most things. In this situation, obsessing and ruminating over a person who most probably doesn't even think about me is a huge detriment to myself and it is not fair to do that to ourselves. 

You mentioned something about your age. I am 26 and can feel some sort of pressure as well, but when I look around, plenty of people are settling for unhappy relationships, did not develop self-awareness, and many are not really happy. 

We have to work on our self-esteem and immediately avoid situation that might disrupt our progress. Wish you well and peace. I recommend a book that I am reading right now. I will insert a screenshot of it. Take care! 

Okay, so the ss is awful. It is called reinventing your life-the breakthrough program to end negative behavior and feel great again by Jeffrey Young. It essentially talks about our mental traps and how early trauma manifests in current dysfunctional behavior and thinking. 

[Batya33]

I'm baffled at the mention of talk of "level of attraction" -I mean, in my several relationships it's not a topic of conversation because if you're attracted to each other and have stuff in common and have common values and goals then you keep on dating to see if there is serious potential (I mean yes people date for other reasons for sure -I'm talking specifically about people who are looking for a relationship and date with the intention of finding that right person) - I mean if someone started talking to me about "levels" of attraction and it wasn't to talk about not dating anymore what's the point of the technicality?

Sure it's great to say "I'm so into you" or "you are so hot"  -but as a detailed analysis? Why? Or as a way of comparison to exes? Again why?

If someone is very attracted to you and doesn't see serious potential then what's the point if you are looking for something serious? I honestly wouldn't even care to know "I'm so attracted to you but I don't see us being committed to each other" -just say "hey- we don't want the same things so see ya".  

Relationships are hard enough without this hypertechnical analysis and psychobabble.

[Chaeryoung]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm baffled at the mention of talk of "level of attraction" -I mean, in my several relationships it's not a topic of conversation because if you're attracted to each other and have stuff in common and have common values and goals then you keep on dating to see if there is serious potential (I mean yes people date for other reasons for sure -I'm talking specifically about people who are looking for a relationship and date with the intention of finding that right person) - I mean if someone started talking to me about "levels" of attraction and it wasn't to talk about not dating anymore what's the point of the technicality?

Sure it's great to say "I'm so into you" or "you are so hot"  -but as a detailed analysis? Why? Or as a way of comparison to exes? Again why?

If someone is very attracted to you and doesn't see serious potential then what's the point if you are looking for something serious? I honestly wouldn't even care to know "I'm so attracted to you but I don't see us being committed to each other" -just say "hey- we don't want the same things so see ya".  

Relationships are hard enough without this hypertechnical analysis and 

Level of attraction as in intellectually, emotionally and physically. I had one discussion with this last guy, and well, he told me that he is attracted to me, intellectually, physically, but he doesn't know what he feels from an emotional point of view. Then he told me how he doesn't know what he feels towards close people in general, that he has atachment issues and well, soon after we parted ways him stating the same as in the beginning, namely that he doesn't know what he feels/wants. And here is where your perspectives helped me, namely to not mess with ambiguity and mixed signals. I don't know if OP refers to physical attraction only, but as you said, physical attraction is not enough in the big scheme of things. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Level of attraction as in intellectually, emotionally and physically. I had one discussion with this last guy, and well, he told me that he is attracted to me, intellectually, physically, but he doesn't know what he feels from an emotional point of view. Then he told me how he doesn't know what he feels towards close people in general, that he has atachment issues and well, soon after we parted ways him stating the same as in the beginning, namely that he doesn't know what he feels/wants. And here is where your perspectives helped me, namely to not mess with ambiguity and mixed signals. I don't know if OP refers to physical attraction only, but as you said, physical attraction is not enough in the big scheme of things. 

Oh this is so simple.  If someone spoke those words to me I would know not to see that person again.  I would know that person is not that into me if he felt the need to analyze in that particular way.  Now if for some bizarre reason I asked him or we were in counseling and the counselor for some bizarre reason made us go into the weeds then yes sure like some kind of silly party game but nothing productive can come out of that sort of discussion unless like I said it's to part ways and one person feels the need to unleash psychobabble to "explain" why he or she is just not that into you.  or make you feel better if he person has some ridiculous notion that that will soothe the other person's ego.

OK -people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  With rare exception "I don't know" means "no."  You might not know exactly how you feel and at exactly what level but you know if you wanna be with someone.

When my husband and I went for required pre-marital counseling session with our religious officiant he didn't talk levels. He was in his 70s at least.  Married forever.  He said "ok guys I know you love each other -so I'm not going to ask you that.  Here's what I want to know  - do you like to hang out with each other? What do you like to do together?"  So we smiled at each other and at him and one of us said "well we love watching Seinfeld reruns". I think we added some stuff on to the list - travel, theater, game nights with our friends.  He smiled broadly and said "that's great!"  Session done.  Then we talked about the practical stuff and we went on our merry way.  

When my husband asked me to get back together with him 7 years after we broke up -no Levels Talk.  He said "do you want to get back together?' I said -after 30 seconds of fear/jitters/excitement -no I couldn't have told you exactly what I was feeling but I knew my answer.  I said YEs.  I did not tell him my levels, or exactly what I was feeling or whether my stomach was settled or otherwise.

I said Yes.  Because my being felt Yes - my head and heart said Yes - no analysis no questions no explanations needed.  Then we had about a five minute conversation about our future intentions:  marriage plus I had to be willing to relocate for his career plus we were going to be exclusive from then on.  Plus trying for a family if we got married.

That was 17 years ago.  I remember the whole conversation and where we were and around what time it was and how right it felt and simple.  Relationships aren't simple -I mean some are mine are not.  I'm not simple, he's not simple but our rightness is.  When you want to be together it's kind of simple.  And as in When Harry Met Sally -when you realize you want to be with the person you want forever to start right then.  (or at least the long term part).

Yes there are exceptions yes the course of true love sometimes doesn't run smooth -I mean our course was bumpy and rocky as we cancelled our first wedding.  But there are some basic truths and with rare exceptions if he's talking levels then level with him and say "see ya."

[Chaeryoung]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm baffled at the mention of talk of "level of attraction" -I mean, in my several relationships it's not a topic of conversation because if you're attracted to each other and have stuff in common and have common values and goals then you keep on dating to see if there is serious potential (I mean yes people date for other reasons for sure -I'm talking specifically about people who are looking for a relationship and date with the intention of finding that right person) - I mean if someone started talking to me about "levels" of attraction and it wasn't to talk about not dating anymore what's the point of the technicality?

Sure it's great to say "I'm so into you" or "you are so hot"  -but as a detailed analysis? Why? Or as a way of comparison to exes? Again why?

If someone is very attracted to you and doesn't see serious potential then what's the point if you are looking for something serious? I honestly wouldn't even care to know "I'm so attracted to you but I don't see us being committed to each other" -just say "hey- we don't want the same things so see ya".  

Relationships are hard enough without this hypertechnical analysis and psychobabble.

Oh, and there are some people that do not state their clear intentions from the beginning, as in they seem confused, lost, don't know what they want and people like me and OP, or I prefer to speak in my name, hold onto hope that we can change that by having patience and showing how cool we are, but I arrived to the conclusion that this approach doesn't help at all and it's so unhealthy. This is why, I know that where I have to work on. On my self esteem and in learning how to prevent choosing wrong partners for me