No sleepover when her kids are home

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Days and Confused said:

Everything you have stated in your post I have said several times this past year, especially what I just put in quotes.

Okay, but have you backed off on the relationship after saying it?

Healthy people walk away from mistreatment. They don't just put up with it and complain about it.

When nothing changes, nothing changes.

[Days and Confused]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, but have you backed off on the relationship after saying it?

I have, but clearly not long enough.

I think I've been hoping things would get better over time, but 2 years later, they haven't, which is why I ended up on this platform.  I've been questioning myself, thinking if have been having unrealistic expectaions.

Given the feedback I have read from my post, I feel better about myself and that my expectations are not unreasonable.

Thank you all for that!

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

oh yes, she likes the control.  I can't cook anything in her kitchen without her stepping in front of me and telling me what I'm doing wrong.. lmao

I like control too over certain things and there's a spectrum IMO.  I also don't like my husband doing certain kitchen stuff and I'm more type A.  What I do is if I ask him to help or he offers I accept he likely won't do it my way and I have enough respect to step aside -or I will not agree in the first place.  But again there's a limit and in your relationship it's hampering true closeness and hampering any semblance of a real future.  That's pretty extreme no?

[Days and Confused]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But again there's a limit and in your relationship it's hampering true closeness

The kitchen stuff isn't really a big deal for me. Just regular relationship stuff. 

The heart to heart I have next week will determine our future as a couple.

[DarkCh0c0]

53 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend dearly!  This thread is starting to paint a negative image of her. 

Trust me, it's not.

But what she's doing is a red flag and screams she's hiding something. That doesn't mean she doesn't possess good qualities and the relationship works in other areas.

How long will you keep up with this? Do you have a timeline on when you'll stop accepting this and walk away?

[Days and Confused]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How long will you keep up with this? Do you have a timeline on when you'll stop accepting this and walk away?

I have a heart to heart conversation planned for next week. How that conversation ends wll determine our future together. 🙂

[Lambert]

In reading through this post and its replies, a few things stand out to me.

1.  Arguments that lead to silent treatment for DAYS?  That's unacceptable in an adult relationship.  I am all for a cooling off period but the silent treatment is an immature manipulation tactic.

2. Pulling back in this situation is passive aggressive.  You can't solve things by playing little games where one person has to figure out what the other person is trying to say.

3. You are ignoring very obvious incompatibilities.  

As others have stated- if you live together, that is your home, too.  Are you expected to leave when they come to visit?  

Do you really want a partner that chooses to spend over 25% of their time staying away?  

I think you are a boyfriend, not a partner.  She's using these excuses to keep you at arm's length but keep the comfort of a partner when she needs one.  Pretty good arrangement, if you can get it.  

In your shoes, I would pick a time to talk to her about all of this and if she blows up on you and doesn't speak to you, you need to make a decision.  Is this the life you want? You're basically telling her, her needs are more important than yours.  

It has nothing to do with loving her or her otherwise being a good person.  Your relationship is off kilter.  Her needs come before yours and if you don't like it, what's the response?  Take it or leave it?   

Take some time to think about what YOU WANT.  You are your number one priority.  You can't hold up her end of the relationship.  

[Days and Confused]

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Take some time to think about what YOU WANT.  You are your number one priority.  You can't hold up her end of the relationship.  

Everyone here has been extremly helpful.  

Your entire response echos all of the thoughts I've been suppressing into the back of my mind since the beginning of this relationship.  You've brought them out to look at again.

It's difficult to let go of what has become normal, yet uncomfortable.  Thank you!

[Lambert]

@Days and Confused

It is difficult.  I am sorry.  I have been in your shoes.  I was in a relationship that was what a lot of people would have considered happy.  but what people didn't know, is my needs were not being met and my partner saw that as "my problem".  I ultimately decided to end it.  

I think our families and friends were confused and I was, too, to be honest.  I think what it came down to (for me) was-- I realized I had a better chance of getting my needs with someone else; rather than to keep trying to fix something the other person didn't see as broken. 

Read this forum enough and you will see many people are holding on to bad relationships because they don't have what is needed to see that life is not what other people give you, it's what you accept. 

I hope you keep posting and sharing... it's one of those things.  Sometimes you don't realize what your doing until you tell another person and you hear (read) your own words.  You also could help someone else by sharing or replying to their request for advice.

((Hugs)) This too shall pass

[Lambert]

PS.  There's also something to be said for telling her how you are feeling and giving her the chance to work on it.  Anything can be worked out, if BOTH people do the work.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Days and Confused said:

- refuses to stay at my (beautiful) home or makes excuses why she can't visit me there
I need to stand my ground and not let her influence me so much.  

Yes. Absolutely take control back. This means not begging to move forward or be a houseguest.

She needs to miss you.  Actions speak louder than words, and while you can talk about it again and again, you have no leverage because it's her house.

When you reclaim your life, house, friends and family, you'll be on a more level playing field.

Just say no to camping out there. Keep in mind if you want things to progress, it's not about babysitting her when her kids aren't around.

When you take action by not staying there as much, being busier,etc. it will be 100x times more effective than repeated talks about staying in her house when her kids are there.

Let her visit you if she wants to see you. Level the field.

[Days and Confused]

I will update next year!

Happy New Year to all and thanks for taking the time to respond.

Very helpful - truly is!

[SooSad33]

On 12/31/2022 at 9:40 AM, Days and Confused said:

oh yes, she likes the control.  I can't cook anything in her kitchen without her stepping in front of me and telling me what I'm doing wrong.. lmao

Are you okay with this?  Or... do you find some of her behaviour annoying?

We need to learn what we will & will not tolerate.  Not just shove it all aside & try to 'act happy'. 

I guess it's a learning game.  We come to see IF we're compatible.

 

[Days and Confused]

UPDATE (one week later)
Thank you again for responding to my original post.
If you're interested in an update, here you go…
Sorry it's so long, it's been a week…

My Girlfriend's silent treatment I mentioned in my original post carried for 3 days while she was away staying at her daughter’s house between Christmas and New Year’s and then for another 2 days when my Girlfriend came back home, through to New Year’s Eve day, minus a few short token text messages from her. Then she suggested I come to her house at 5pm NYE.

I tried to explain (again) the damage the silent treatment does to our relationship and that there's an unresolved issue that needs to be talked out if we’re going to be able to have some sort of enjoyable NYE evening together.  She would just much rather pretend nothing happened and carry on…  I’m not made that way unfortunately.  However,we put a band-aid over everything so we could spend an amicable NYE together, while the elephant in the room sat in the corner, waiting to raise cane.

This past Thursday evening, Jan 5,my Girlfriend received a text from her daughter asking if she could come look after the grandkids Saturday night and then the elephant in the room let loose like a bull in a china shop!

Of course, I'm not invited and not allowed to go, despite her daughter apologizing for the short notice.  My girlfriend did ask if I could come, her daughter's reply was that she wasn't ready for me to spend the night there…

My girlfriend asked, “Why is it so important for you to be part of my kids' life, they're full grown adults, they don’t need you to come and be their father!”

“What the hell?!?!?” I responded in disbelief, “That’s not what this is about at all!”

“My family would never invite me to their house and request that you don’t come with me”

And

“A blended family is a natural progression between two people who love each other and plan on spending the rest of their lives together.”

She wasn’t seeing it that way.

I reminded her how last summer, we traveled together very far away to see her family, when I met her two Sisters and Mother for the first time (other than on a few facetime chats).  I was immediately welcomed into their home. Sleeping together in each of their homes was just automatically assumed, in fact we had sex after responding to my Girlfriend’s advances - NOT MINE! 

“Yet I have personally met your daughter for the past year and half or so and never been invited to her home, not allowed to come with and can’t spend the night in your house when your daughter is home visiting (I offered to sleep in her home office on an air mattress..)

“Why is this ok, with your two Sisters and Mother, but not your daughter?” I asked

“Because they are adults!” she said

“Your daughter is an adult!!!” I replied.

The conversation continued to deteriorate, so I went home to prevent further damage from angry words.

The following day, she started up the same angry level from the night before and in a roundabout way, (like a kick to the stomach) was telling me that I am not part of her family, I am her boyfriend,

I said that wasn’t for me and declared an impasse, “this will never get better” I concluded.

And left.

To make matters worse, we planned a trip to Mexico, in the beginning of February, that I have already paid for.  Non refundable, non transferable… 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry it didn't go well.  As far as the trip I'm sure I'm typical in commenting that breakups often involve logistics and financial losses like this in a serious relationship.  I'd go and perhaps take a friend or family member with you.  I've unfortunately heard of so many similar stories -apartment leases, season tickets etc. I'm sorry.  It sounds like you two are incompatible and I'm sorry.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Days and Confused said:

 her daughter's reply was that she wasn't ready for me to spend the night there…I offered to sleep in her home office on an air mattress.

The conversation continued to deteriorate, so I went home to prevent further damage from angry words.

You did the right thing. Try to spend more time in your own home and with your own friends and family and hobbies and interests.

There's no reason to keep inviting yourself to her house for overnight stays and her daughter certainly doesn't want mom's BF as an overnight houseguest.

Rather than get frustrated, just find things to do when she's busy with her kids and grandkids.

If she's too busy with them for your needs, you may have to consider that this is not the right woman or relationship for you.

 

[Days and Confused]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no reason to keep inviting yourself to her house for overnight stays

Once again, my girlfrind is the one insisting I spend the night, I don't invite myself.
and I have no problem keeping myself busy while she is away.

I think you might be missing the bigger issue, but that's ok.  I don't see this relationship contiuning further at this point unfortunately.

[Andrina]

People usually have many priorities in life, spreading their love and attention and time among everyone they love or enjoy spending time with. When this is done in a healthy way, a partner is happy.

You are not happy because the times it should be your turn, it's not. And she treats you like you and she are both teens, adhering to strict parental rules, and her daughter is the mom.

Yeah, not normal.

Sorry you will be dealing with a breakup. On the bright side, you will be free to eventually find a more suitable partner.