The loveliest guy and only guy who has ever liked me back changed and I don’t know why

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Ah ok thanks. And the sex thing, why would he suddenly be keen to initiate sex with me just before he broke up with me. He’d gone the whole relationship letting me initiate. And suddenly I felt a lot of pressure from him. And it felt strange 

There's really no reason.  This was never a balanced relationship so it's anyone's guess why he felt like having sex with you at that moment - people move towards pleasure and away from pain. He knew you were available to have sex with, he felt like it at the moment. It pleased him.  It's not really a break up -he ended the arrangement he had with you where you funded his entertainment/food/transportation, he got to play at being a "couple" and once you spoke up he figured the benefits weren't worth the annoyance of you actually wanting more or wanting to talk about that stuff.  

[Frostypeach]

i did stick up for myself though. One day I sat him down and called him out for something he said to me. But then he started crying and saying that he’s depressed. So we ended up talking about how he was feeling. I think I’m hyperempathetic.

i felt like any time I called him out, I was met with passive aggression

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That's because you hardly ever stood up for yourself. 

If you had had a backbone and were more assertive, I guarantee you there would have been arguments. You just let way too much go for too long, hence few arguments. 

 

[Frostypeach]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

There's really no reason.  This was never a balanced relationship so it's anyone's guess why he felt like having sex with you at that moment - people move towards pleasure and away from pain. He knew you were available to have sex with, he felt like it at the moment. It pleased him.  It's not really a break up -he ended the arrangement he had with you where you funded his entertainment/food/transportation, he got to play at being a "couple" and once you spoke up he figured the benefits weren't worth the annoyance of you actually wanting more or wanting to talk about that stuff.  

It was a breakup for me. I’ve never had a relationship before him, does that mean there’s something wrong with me? I really put myself out there during my 20s, now I’m 27 I am just never ever approached. I’m friendly.

it was a relationship for me because otherwise I’d have to tell people I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m so embarrassed about that. I told my ex boyfriend that quite early on. ‘I’m looking for a relationship as I’ve never had the opportunity, men have only ever wanted casual.’ And then he started talking about love languages etc and saying I’ve dated crap men in the past.

i don’t know how else to meet people. I volunteer, go to work, go to the gym etc but I don’t meet any eligible men through work or friends etc

 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Flowerbee said:

i did stick up for myself though. One day I sat him down and called him out for something he said to me. But then he started crying and saying that he’s depressed. So we ended up talking about how he was feeling. I think I’m hyperempathetic.

i felt like any time I called him out, I was met with passive aggression

 

No you're not hyperempathetic. You're passively "too nice" - you let things go way way beyond what a reasonably secure person would tolerate and confronting someone as you did often is too little too late after you chose to let him disrespect you over and over again and take advantage of you over and over again. At that point it was highly unlikely he'd take you seriously.  If you were empathetic you would have backed off letting him treat you like something the dog brought in and instead told him "I don't want to be your friend or date you but I'm happy to pass along resources to help you find employment -just let me know and that is a way I can contribute.  I empathize with your situation and I am sorry you feel sad and I have to take care of me so I can't pay for you again (etc)

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

One day I sat him down and called him out for something he said to me. But then he started crying and saying that he’s depressed. So we ended up talking about how he was feeling.

Exactly. This isn't you standing up for yourself. 

It's you starting to take a stance and then caving in to his needs and wants and problems. It's you enabling his "poor me" show without really standing your ground. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Flowerbee said:

It was a breakup for me. I’ve never had a relationship before him, does that mean there’s something wrong with me? I really put myself out there during my 20s, now I’m 27 I am just never ever approached. I’m friendly.

it was a relationship for me because otherwise I’d have to tell people I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m so embarrassed about that. I told my ex boyfriend that quite early on. ‘I’m looking for a relationship as I’ve never had the opportunity, men have only ever wanted casual.’ And then he started talking about love languages etc and saying I’ve dated crap men in the past.

i don’t know how else to meet people. I volunteer, go to work, go to the gym etc but I don’t meet any eligible men through work or friends etc

 

 

I understand from your perspective you felt like it was a romantic relationship.  You find and make your own opportunities by becoming the right person to find the right person.  The way you behaved in this arrangement was not a person who is a reasonably secure person ready to give to another person from a feeling of reasonable confidence and security.  So you are going to attract people like him.  You teach people how to treat you.  I was proactive in looking for a husband and one way I was proactive is I had to stop getting in my own way and had to become the right person to find the right person.  Still no guarantees but I can guarantee that every minute you spend in an arrangement like you described is another minute you are missing out on creating opportunities to become the right person to find the right person.

[Frostypeach]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly. This isn't you standing up for yourself. 

It's you starting to take a stance and then caving in to his needs and wants and problems. It's you enabling his "poor me" show without really standing your ground. 

Oh I’m starting to feel like I was the problem in the relationship 😞 the only reason I stayed was that he was the only man I’ve ever had sex with and I didn’t want that to end 

[Frostypeach]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I understand from your perspective you felt like it was a romantic relationship.  You find and make your own opportunities by becoming the right person to find the right person.  The way you behaved in this arrangement was not a person who is a reasonably secure person ready to give to another person from a feeling of reasonable confidence and security.  So you are going to attract people like him.  You teach people how to treat you.  I was proactive in looking for a husband and one way I was proactive is I had to stop getting in my own way and had to become the right person to find the right person.  Still no guarantees but I can guarantee that every minute you spend in an arrangement like you described is another minute you are missing out on creating opportunities to become the right person to find the right person.

I was always secure until I met him though. Well last year just before I met him, I realised my friend was a narcissist. My friend discarded me because apparently ‘I didn’t do enough’ (I had said no to taking him to work that week as I was too busy). And I got the silent treatment and it was pretty awful. 
 

then I met my boyfriend. I was so relieved to be away from that friendship. I felt confident and happy and I wanted to show the guy I was independent woman so hence I started the planning dates and driving around. I believed by showing I had it together and was nice and fun, things would have worked

with situationships before him, I often set boundaries and often found after doing so, the men never speak to me again

i went on a date the other week. It was nice but I had to travel home due to family circumstances. I texted the guy ‘it was lovely to meet you. Unfortunately I have a lot going on the next few weeks with family illness so would like to keep chatting but keep it friendly for now. I’d love to get to know you a bit more and see where things go!’ And he blocked me. I was utterly disappointed 

 

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Oh I’m starting to feel like I was the problem in the relationship

Why do you keep circling back to this? 

This relationship was never going to end happily, because it's obvious he was never really that invested. What you did (or didn't do) wasn't going to change the course of this and make it end differently. 

20 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I texted the guy ‘it was lovely to meet you. Unfortunately I have a lot going on the next few weeks with family illness so would like to keep chatting but keep it friendly for now. I’d love to get to know you a bit more and see where things go!’

You can't really expect a man who is looking for dates to be keen to keep things going with you after receiving a message like that. It is perfectly fine if you are not feeling it or don't have time to date, but your expectations are rather unrealistic if you think a guy is going to stick around until you are ready. 

[Frostypeach]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you keep circling back to this? 

This relationship was never going to end happily, because it's obvious he was never really that invested. What you did (or didn't do) wasn't going to change the course of this and make it end differently. 

You can't really expect a man who is looking for dates to be keen to keep things going with you after receiving a message like that. It is perfectly fine if you are not feeling it or don't have time to date, but your expectations are rather unrealistic if you think a guy is going to stick around until you are ready. 

But I worry that if he wasn’t invested, no one ever will be. He was the most invested a man has ever been and my 20s are almost up. I keep thinking if it’s not happened by now, it never will

[Frostypeach]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you keep circling back to this? 

This relationship was never going to end happily, because it's obvious he was never really that invested. What you did (or didn't do) wasn't going to change the course of this and make it end differently. 

You can't really expect a man who is looking for dates to be keen to keep things going with you after receiving a message like that. It is perfectly fine if you are not feeling it or don't have time to date, but your expectations are rather unrealistic if you think a guy is going to stick around until you are ready. 

Well I had put it on my dating app profile ‘looking to make friends first and see where things go’ and he still decided to meet me knowing this 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

But I worry that if he wasn’t invested, no one ever will be. He was the most invested a man has ever been and my 20s are almost up. I keep thinking if it’s not happened by now, it never will

You are very young. 

I know it doesn't feel that way now, but you are still not even 30 years old yet. Many people don't meet their life partners until after that. I am 41 now and met my current partner at 33- and he was 47. If either of us had assumed our time had passed and we would never meet another person for us, well, we probably wouldn't have been willing to put ourselves out there (and subsquently meet each other) 

You can't let a scarcity mindset lead you to stay in bad relationships or limit your options. It's a fear-based approach that often is not a reflection of reality. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

i went on a date the other week. It was nice but I had to travel home due to family circumstances. I texted the guy ‘it was lovely to meet you. Unfortunately I have a lot going on the next few weeks with family illness so would like to keep chatting but keep it friendly for now. I’d love to get to know you a bit more and see where things go!’

Maybe this is one reason you're having no luck. What should you have said while texting? That you're out of town for XYZ and that upon your return, likely by this date, you'd love to see him again.

What you wrote sounds like a slow fade, excuses, and a made-up situation because you're too cowardly to let him know you're not interested. Even if that wasn't your intent, it's how it comes across.  

The last line in the excerpt is a given and needs to never be said. That's what everybody does--see where things lead.

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

Well I had put it on my dating app profile ‘looking to make friends first and see where things go’

And here again: it's a dating site, not a site to make friends. You meet to establish chemistry and to gradually find out if the person is a match. You don't jump into bed until comfortable, which could be months down the road, and that's fine. But putting this "friends first" is off-putting, with a pace that sounds like it could be at a snail's pace, and not how people normally enter the dating scene. It shows a person might have issues where they fear a normal dating situation.

No matter what you perceived as this guy's good points, the bad stuff totally overrode that. Read some articles on relationship dealbreakers and write them down, since you have a hard time spotting them. And then read an article on must-haves. Keep those as a rule book when dating. 

He has no guy friends but stays in touch on social media with a harem of exes. That was but one of so many red flags you failed to exit the relationship for. Learn from your mistakes or you are bound to repeat them.

[Batya33]

I was on dating sites on and off for 5 years from around age 33-38 (personal ads prior to that) - I avoided all profiles that said "friends first" -I was there to meet someone and see if we should go on a date.  I had enough friends.  To me I got to know a person on dates - all at once - I found often the "friends first" meant that the person had either been involved in a lot of casual sexual arrangements and was trying to "change" or felt that somehow physical affection and being sexual was inconsistent with also being close emotionally.  

I started dating my future husband right around my 39th birthday and we married and became parents when we were 42.