My boyfriend is close to his ex wife

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, joinlondon said:

I guess I will be watching out now I am aware what was going on, I don't trust him, he has to earn that back 

Please don't be with someone you don't trust - what's the point?  Are you the reason he's promised to cut ties -hopefully it's also because he feels over her, finally.

[joinlondon]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please don't be with someone you don't trust - what's the point?  Are you the reason he's promised to cut ties -hopefully it's also because he feels over her, finally.

Yes I'm the reason, to make me happy. He did say he feels relieved now he's cut ties though and he only cares for her as a friend. If I found out he hasn't cut ties then that'll be it

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, joinlondon said:

Yes I'm the reason, to make me happy. He did say he feels relieved now he's cut ties though and he only cares for her as a friend. If I found out he hasn't cut ties then that'll be it

So if he cares for her as a friend how is that going to work -what's his plan as far as being her friend.  Friends stay in touch to various degrees.  

[joinlondon]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if he cares for her as a friend how is that going to work -what's his plan as far as being her friend.  Friends stay in touch to various degrees.  

He's not going to, he's cut ties, no more friendship 

[Starlight925]

If you're not going to cut ties, then I have a New Year's Resolution for you:

"I will break things off if I find one more text, one more message, one more "phone is silent, turned over, took it into the bathroom, he jumped when he saw it flash" moment."

 

[boltnrun]

Are you planning to police him constantly? What will you do when he goes to work? 

Constantly policing someone is a terrible way to live.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, joinlondon said:

He's not going to, he's cut ties, no more friendship 

Oh so he "cares for her as a friend" from a distance.  I mean sure, ok.  So if she needs him as a friend and texts him he will not respond? It seems a little odd to me - how he put it - so because he only cares for her as a friend he feels comfortable cutting all ties? Before this he was in contact because he was so attracted to her he chose not to cut contact? I cut ties with my ex boyfriend once he met his future wife (once he told me he'd started dating her I could tell it was serious -we were in touch 100% platonically only but we were in regular touch - I cut all ties because I didn't want to create any sense for his new girlfriend that I was in the picture in any way including as a friend.  I faded out on him and he let me, basically. 

I honestly can't say I care for him "as a friend".  I do care about what happens to him in life.  Meaning I hope him and his family are safe and healthy and well.  I have no interest in finding that out for myself - I don't ask about him of our mutual friends and acquaintances. 

If he reached out to me and needed something - we're in the same field for example - I would respond and also tell my husband -keep him in the loop - out of respect.  He hasn't done so and knowing him I doubt he will which is why I'm comfortable being one of his linkedin connections (we've never messaged on there or commented on posts, etc). His wife did many years ago- when they were newlyweds -she contacted me (I'd never met or had any contact with her)- and I involved my future husband in that interaction.  Again it was all above board, transparent, included my future husband.  So zero trust issues.  That's how it should work IMO. 

[joinlondon]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Oh so he "cares for her as a friend" from a distance.  I mean sure, ok.  So if she needs him as a friend and texts him he will not respond? It seems a little odd to me - how he put it - so because he only cares for her as a friend he feels comfortable cutting all ties? Before this he was in contact because he was so attracted to her he chose not to cut contact? I cut ties with my ex boyfriend once he met his future wife (once he told me he'd started dating her I could tell it was serious -we were in touch 100% platonically only but we were in regular touch - I cut all ties because I didn't want to create any sense for his new girlfriend that I was in the picture in any way including as a friend.  I faded out on him and he let me, basically. 

I honestly can't say I care for him "as a friend".  I do care about what happens to him in life.  Meaning I hope him and his family are safe and healthy and well.  I have no interest in finding that out for myself - I don't ask about him of our mutual friends and acquaintances. 

If he reached out to me and needed something - we're in the same field for example - I would respond and also tell my husband -keep him in the loop - out of respect.  He hasn't done so and knowing him I doubt he will which is why I'm comfortable being one of his linkedin connections (we've never messaged on there or commented on posts, etc). His wife did many years ago- when they were newlyweds -she contacted me (I'd never met or had any contact with her)- and I involved my future husband in that interaction.  Again it was all above board, transparent, included my future husband.  So zero trust issues.  That's how it should work IMO. 

I agree, this is how it should be. I also did the same thing, I have an ex who I was friends with before I met my boyfriend but as soon as I started dating I told my ex that was it, no more texting as it wouldn't be fair on my boyfriend and since then we've had no contact apart from a Happy Birthday on social media. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/28/2022 at 10:17 AM, joinlondon said:

. Do I trust that he will cut ties? He says he loves me and wants a future with me, I'm so confused. 

Perhaps it's time to reflect why he wants this wall between you two. You can insist they cut contact, but you can't change how he feels.

It's confusing because he is simultaneously telling you about a future yet making you a third wheel.

Maybe they won't text at your behest but carefully observe why his primary relationship is elsewhere and he treats you, rather than her, as the interloper.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, joinlondon said:

I agree, this is how it should be. I also did the same thing, I have an ex who I was friends with before I met my boyfriend but as soon as I started dating I told my ex that was it, no more texting as it wouldn't be fair on my boyfriend and since then we've had no contact apart from a Happy Birthday on social media. 

Oh I've kept in touch with exes far more than that as has my husband -it all depends on the circumstances. I cut ties with my ex because he met someone -we were in touch for 2 years prior to that while I was dating my boyfriend. 

To me it all depends and in your situation it depends because your boyfriend was romantically attached to and interested in his ex.  That means he couldn't be friends with her.  Now that he says he is not, he no longer is interested in being in touch with her. Seems that his primary motivation to be in touch was not friendship but this past romantic attraction. I didn't stay in touch with exes I was still into in that way.

I married my ex fiancee -we were in very little contact over the 7 years we were apart - the little contact was maybe one or two emails a year, impersonal and mostly because of mutual friends or events that happened.  But now we're married.  We wouldn't be if we'd kept in touch and flirted, etc or crossed lines -that would have caused too much baggage and distrust (like if you'd flirt with me while you're with someone else....)

Sounds like your bf has turned over a new leaf and that you're good with it.