My boyfriend is close to his ex wife

[joinlondon]

 

My boyfriend of 7 months recently told me that he is still close to his ex wife. They were married for 10 years, no kids. He also admitted that she tells him she loves and misses him. He tells her he misses her too and sends her kisses. He supports her by giving her money all the time. They text a lot and she calls him. He said he only loves her and misses her as a friend. She lives in another country so it's not possible to get back with her. He doesn't understand why this has upset me but he said it will be difficult for him but he will cut ties with her. I feel like he's been emotionally cheating and a little bit of trust has gone. Do I trust that he will cut ties? He says he loves me and wants a future with me, I'm so confused. 

[smackie9]

deal breaker....

[MissCanuck]

I would kick him to the curb. 

He is too tied up with his ex to be available to date anyone else, and I wouldn't waste another day with him. 

 

[Seraphim]

Time to send him back to her . Say goodbye to him. 

[DarkCh0c0]

16 minutes ago, joinlondon said:

He doesn't understand why this has upset me

Yes, but by staying with him you show him that you will put up with it.

Staying close to an ex, even if online, is a major red flag in a potential partner. You need to do the right thing and walk away from his emotional mess (and cheating).

He's not "the one". I assure you.

[Coily]

Guy is too wrapped up in the past to look for a future with.

[Kwothe28]

I thought your story looks familiar. Last time you also told that he messages her all the time and that he hides his phone and messages.

He would not cut ties with her. They were together for 10 years and he even financially supports her. At the very best he hopes to get back together some day. At the very worst, yes, he is emotionally cheating. He isnt going to "choose you" if that is what you are hoping for.He is tied with her and that wont stop. And yes, that is your cue to leave him.

[boltnrun]

I presume there are means of transportation to get to the country she lives in so no, it's not impossible for them to get back together.

I predict he will announce he's going to visit her sometime soon.

There are literally millions of men who aren't going to have you as a side woman. Choose one of them instead of this guy.

[DarkCh0c0]

OP a healthy man does not come with red flags. You might have been swept off your feet by him, but believe him when he tells you he's still involved with her.

You can do better. Don't stay and put up with such nonsense. There's no need to bend yourself like a pretzel for someone who doesn't give a **** anyways. Walk away with your self-respect held high. 

[Batya33]

He is close to her because he still has feelings for her.  He would be with her if he could and likely will make it happen.  Geography doesn't matter.  Don't lie to yourself that he is just "close" as in a purely platonic way because of family or business ties. That's not this.

[catfeeder]

I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form. It's one of the most important questions I'd ask of anyone I'm screening for a potential date.

You're learning WHY.

The fact that he's telling you all of this means that he's giving you a choice. You can either approve of his road back to his ex right under your nose, or you can reach for your best dignity and dump this guy.

[Starlight925]

I disagree that he's staying in touch with her because he has feelings for her.  In fact, they're not together, because he likely doesn't have feelings for her.

So why does he stay in touch, loan her money, keep it all a secret?  Because he can.  He likes this string.  He likes the fact that she needs him.  He keeps her on a tether because it feeds his ego in some way; he keeps her a secret from you because in his mind, he can get her back at any time, while keeping you as well.

He likes to keep her in his orbit, because it feeds a need in him.  She texts him, and he gets a rush of knowing that she still has feelings for him, while he has his arm around you.

This is not healthy.  Ask me how I know all this....

[HeartGoesOn]

My thoughts are you're selling yourself short by being an audience to his nonsense, among other things. 

Not that it matters, but he'd have more respect for you if you left him in the dust.  It's time to raise the bar.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

I disagree that he's staying in touch with her because he has feelings for her.  In fact, they're not together, because he likely doesn't have feelings for her.

 

Some men are "orbiters". Meaning she tells him a few words, how she likes him still, he sends her money etc. Even though she maybe doesnt want to be with him and probably has somebody else. In the meantime he also has OP. Until his ex is ready to take him again. 

Not saying that is the case here. But saw that kind of behavior before and sending money to your ex wife(if its not for a kid and think OP said they dont have kids together) does raise some big questions.

[Andrina]

5 hours ago, joinlondon said:

He doesn't understand why this has upset me but he said it will be difficult for him but he will cut ties with her.

He will wind up resenting you since he says cutting ties will be difficult for him.

And that is very telling in itself of how emotionally attached he is. I have a feeling his ex is the one who ended things. She's likely manipulative, as she gets exactly what she wants--funded freedom.

Who allows an emotionally dysfunctional, tricycle sort of relationship? People who lack self-esteem. People who settle because subconsciously they don't think they deserve better.

Make yourself free and hold out for a bicycle built for two. That's the stuff romantic songs are inspired by.

[Wiseman2]

After 28 weeks dating, you're already "feeling like crap" and realizing his priority is his ex. Furthermore you know know he's willing to be deceptive and disrespectful.

Please don't count on him cutting her off. He'll just fine tune his deception.

More importantly, reflect why he's building a wall and at the same time rushing you into living together.

 

 

[catfeeder]

57 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He will wind up resenting you since he says cutting ties will be difficult for him.

And that is very telling in itself of how emotionally attached he is. I have a feeling his ex is the one who ended things. She's likely manipulative, as she gets exactly what she wants--funded freedom.

Who allows an emotionally dysfunctional, tricycle sort of relationship? People who lack self-esteem.

Wow, just wow. Really smart way of looking at this.

My parents modeled for me an amicable relationship between divorced exes. So I came of age believing that continued friendship with exes was a mature and sophisticated way of adulting.

That served me well during school-age breakups, where forced socialization with an ex is common. But after that? It's a total WTFreak? for any dates who might have potentially partnered with you.

And for good reason! It's a mind-F for anyone to live with, and most healthy people would resoundingly opt to skip that in their own lives.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I disagree that he's staying in touch with her because he has feelings for her.  In fact, they're not together, because he likely doesn't have feelings for her.

So why does he stay in touch, loan her money, keep it all a secret?  Because he can.  He likes this string.  He likes the fact that she needs him.  

Well said, and this could very well be true. But we don't know.

I really like where you ended up with this post, I just don't believe that a partner of someone who has concealed-then-revealed his involvement with an ex needs to attempt a psychic reading of potential outcomes.

The initial deception alone is pssss-worthy, and the manipulative context of revealing this connection after concealing it speaks of a disrespectful challenge to either put-up-or-shut-up.

Uhmmm...or best choice, to walk away.

So I join you in your 'Not healthy...' conclusion, and I vote 'walk away'.

[sweetlady]

On 12/28/2022 at 3:17 PM, joinlondon said:

 

My boyfriend of 7 months recently told me that he is still close to his ex wife. They were married for 10 years, no kids. He also admitted that she tells him she loves and misses him. He tells her he misses her too and sends her kisses. He supports her by giving her money all the time. They text a lot and she calls him. He said he only loves her and misses her as a friend. She lives in another country so it's not possible to get back with her. He doesn't understand why this has upset me but he said it will be difficult for him but he will cut ties with her. I feel like he's been emotionally cheating and a little bit of trust has gone. Do I trust that he will cut ties? He says he loves me and wants a future with me, I'm so confused. 

They still love each other don't get in the middle of it step away. Tell him it's obvious you both not over. And you need to move on.

[joinlondon]

Thank you all for your replies. He said he has cut all ties with her and told her not to message him again. He also said it feels like a relief now. I've lost trust so we will see what happens 

[SooSad33]

On 12/28/2022 at 10:17 AM, joinlondon said:

He tells her he misses her too and sends her kisses. He supports her by giving her money all the time. They text a lot and she calls him. He said he only loves her and misses her as a friend.

As a 'friend' huh?  Pffft 😕 

How long had they been apart before he brought you into this?

For me, if a bf was doing all of this with his ex still, I'd be done.  You should not be okay with this.

IF they are truly done, there should NOT be all that stuff re: missing each other.. and why does someone's ex need to continue sending money? ( I have an ex who continued to 'help an ex out still', even though he still fancied me - yah, that didn't last.. idiot).

Yeah.. Nope!  Be involved with someone who is FULLY into you & only you.

Their relationship should be done now - all of it.

 

 

[joinlondon]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

As a 'friend' huh?  Pffft 😕 

How long had they been apart before he brought you into this?

For me, if a bf was doing all of this with his ex still, I'd be done.  You should not be okay with this.

 

 

They split 3 years ago, divorced for 2. Apparently they've been texting since the divorce. I've been with him 7 months, only recently found out so it was quite a shock. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, joinlondon said:

They split 3 years ago, divorced for 2. Apparently they've been texting since the divorce. I've been with him 7 months, only recently found out so it was quite a shock. 

So you got together when he was newly, legally single but the whole time he's been missing his ex wife.  My sense is they are trying to find their way back to each other.  I'm sorry.  He now  told you because he realizes this IMO.

[Andrina]

On 12/30/2022 at 8:38 AM, joinlondon said:

I've lost trust so we will see what happens 

What does this mean? Will you be doing surveillance activities, or taking his word that he's no longer in contact and never will be again?

[joinlondon]

12 minutes ago, Andrina said:

What does this mean? Will you be doing surveillance activities, or taking his word that he's no longer in contact and never will be again?

I guess I will be watching out now I am aware what was going on, I don't trust him, he has to earn that back