Talking to a girl with no dating experience, how to go about it correctly?

[NeedHelpBruhhh]

M21, she’s f21. I met this really nice girl on hinge and I’ve been enjoying talking to her, we plan on going out next week since the holidays. 

She’s been very honest and told me she’s nervous as she’s never actually been on a date with a guy (pretty sure she’s a virgin as well), and guys in the past she’s talked to have never taken her and presumably are just looking for a hookup, she told me doesn’t want to have sex until if we form a Connection which I 100% agree with and are looking for as well

She’s told me she’s very shy and that of the guys she’s talked to she’s never opened up or been comfortable with them like she has with me. 

I know guys are supposed to be initiators, in the past I’ve talked to girls who’ve dated lots of guys so it’s a lot easier to read the room but I don’t want to mess this one up and make her uncomfortable since she has no experience. I was thinking a simple dinner for the first date, and then if it goes well maybe the second or possibly third date I’ll invite her to stay over for a chill night in watching tv/movies but at that point I won’t do anything and will let her make a move if she’s comfortable. Does that sound like a good idea or?

[smackie9]

No. You spend more time getting to know her out on dates. You may have to go out on many before you can even hold hands. I doubt very highly she's going to "make a move". Be a gentleman, romance her, make her feel special, and let the "special moment" happen on a date, not on your sofa. 

[Andrina]

Don't start worrying about the future, as it might not even go beyond the first meet. And since that's a possibility in the dating world, I wouldn't even spend that much money on a first meet. Meeting for coffee or a smoothie or something inexpensive like that will save you from an empty wallet, since many first meets don't go on to more. Save treating a date to those more expensive nights out once you've already established chemistry, and you like each other's personalities and dating styles, etc.

It's best not to project to the future, and just enjoy the first meet as a chance to get to know a new person, and to hopefully find her to be interesting and pleasant.

Don't have some pre-planned agenda that the 3rd date will be the one where you hope she'll be up for doing the wild thing.

I know that's a fun goal, but especially as she's new to dating, you have to think about her feelings because women often take being intimate as an extreme bonding activity because of the hormones released when it occurs, which doesn't have that same strong effect on men.

Do you know your dating goals? Short term? Long term? For truthfulness and fairness, as well as nobody wasting each other's time, you should be on the same page. This involves discussion. If long term, it doesn't mean you're committed for a lifetime to this person you're dating. It means you're finding out, over a long period of time, if this person matches you in all the major ways. And if so, you'll continue on with them while still having a wait-and-see attitude. Happy new year!

 

[remerz]

Take your time. It could take weeks for her to even feel comfortable enough to open up to you, I’m sure inviting her to your home isn’t the best step. Take her out to do some bonding activities, maybe a walk in the park, mini golf, somewhere where she doesn’t have to feel pressured to fill in silence or be too intimate/one on one. See how it goes from there, but be gentle with her as it’s her first dating experience and her own comfort is first. If you want, after the first date, call her and ask what she would like to do as a second date. That way she feels like a part of the process and you can get her input on things she liked to do,  and also you won’t have to initiate every time after that. Good luck 😉

[NeedHelpBruhhh]

1 minute ago, remerz said:

Take your time. It could take weeks for her to even feel comfortable enough to open up to you, I’m sure inviting her to your home isn’t the best step. Take her out to do some bonding activities, maybe a walk in the park, mini golf, somewhere where she doesn’t have to feel pressured to fill in silence or be too intimate/one on one. See how it goes from there, but be gentle with her as it’s her first dating experience and her own comfort is first. If you want, after the first date, call her and ask what she would like to do as a second date. That way she feels like a part of the process and you can get her input on things she liked to do,  and also you won’t have to initiate every time after that. Good luck 😉

Ok thanks I will go slow 

[Kwothe28]

33 minutes ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

then if it goes well maybe the second or possibly third date I’ll invite her to stay over for a chill night in watching tv/movies

Yeah, no. You would ruin everything with that. Hence why you are maybe not compatible. You are so caught up in hookup culture that you think you can make a possible virgin come by your home by second or third date. If you are thinking like that she is not the woman for you. Nore you are a man for her.

Also yes, do a coffee date, not a restaurant one. Its a first date with somebody you didnt ever see in person. From a dating site. After and IF you progress a bit, then maybe plan a dinner one. 

[NeedHelpBruhhh]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yeah, no. You would ruin everything with that. Hence why you are maybe not compatible. You are so caught up in hookup culture that you think you can make a possible virgin come by your home by second or third date. If you are thinking like that she is not the woman for you. Nore you are a man for her.

Also yes, do a coffee date, not a restaurant one. It’s a first date with somebody you didnt ever see in person. From a dating site. After and IF you progress a bit, then maybe plan a dinner one. 

did you even read the post haha, I’m not looking for a hookup that’s why I literally said if she came over I wouldn’t do anything just want to spend time. Then again this goes to show how bad hookup culture is, everybody thinks having a girl over your house automatically means sex which sucks 

[NeedHelpBruhhh]

36 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Don't start worrying about the future, as it might not even go beyond the first meet. And since that's a possibility in the dating world, I wouldn't even spend that much money on a first meet. Meeting for coffee or a smoothie or something inexpensive like that will save you from an empty wallet, since many first meets don't go on to more. Save treating a date to those more expensive nights out once you've already established chemistry, and you like each other's personalities and dating styles, etc.

It's best not to project to the future, and just enjoy the first meet as a chance to get to know a new person, and to hopefully find her to be interesting and pleasant.

Don't have some pre-planned agenda that the 3rd date will be the one where you hope she'll be up for doing the wild thing.

I know that's a fun goal, but especially as she's new to dating, you have to think about her feelings because women often take being intimate as an extreme bonding activity because of the hormones released when it occurs, which doesn't have that same strong effect on men.

Do you know your dating goals? Short term? Long term? For truthfulness and fairness, as well as nobody wasting each other's time, you should be on the same page. This involves discussion. If long term, it doesn't mean you're committed for a lifetime to this person you're dating. It means you're finding out, over a long period of time, if this person matches you in all the major ways. And if so, you'll continue on with them while still having a wait-and-see attitude. Happy new year!

 

I like this answer thank you. She leaves to go back to college in a month and it’s like 8 hours away so I was hoping I could at least get her comfortable enough to stay the night (nothing sexual just bonding). I know it sounds too good to be true but I am honest about that, i know the whole stigma around “staying the night” is having sex but I don’t agree with that 

[Kwothe28]

4 minutes ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

did you even read the post haha, I’m not looking for a hookup that’s why I literally said if she came over I wouldn’t do anything just want to spend time.

I said that you got so caught up in a hookup culture that you think its normal to invite somebody straight to your home by second date. Not that you are looking for a hookup. There is a difference.

Also, what do you think that she, a shy and guarded person who stays away from the guys looking for hookup, would think when somebody calls her to his home by second date? Again, you wont get anywhere with her with that kind of thinking.

[boltnrun]

I can't tell you how many guys told me "we don't have to do anything you don't want to do" and five minutes later they're trying to get sex.

Maybe you're not like that but why take the chance she'll view you like the other guys she's met? You could turn her right off with that suggestion.

Also, what's the point of trying to get something going with someone who's going to be eight hours away? Aren't there any young women who live closer you could date?

[Batya33]

I question her judgment in telling you her dirty laundry/baggage -she simply could have said nothing at all because a first meet is not a date and no need to share with you her sexual values unless you asked her to meet to hook up.  If she lives 8 hours away I would stop all communication.  She already is telling you she's very hesitant about dating in the first place, she's viewing this through a lens of intense suspicion and long distance is typically a nonstarter but especially with a person like her who you apparently have to "prove" that you simply want to meet in a public place for an hour to see if you should go on a date in person.

I would not invite a lady you just met to your place on a first date after a first meet.  Ever.  Whether you mean sex or not it's lazy, it's not a good look, the lady will be hesitant because of the safety risks -including just plain old physical risks -she won't know who else could be there/would arrive there, etc.  When we planned dates in the 80s or 90s there was no internet -now it's so much easier to google what fun stuff is going on around town, what restaurants are good/affordable/fun, etc.  Do that. 

Here are some activities we did in our 20s:  dinner, movies, museums, miniature golf, bowling, dancing, live performances, jazz clubs, comedy club, walks in the park, walking around the city on streets that had art galleries, boating in a park, picnic, hiking, the zoo.  

 

[NeedHelpBruhhh]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can't tell you how many guys told me "we don't have to do anything you don't want to do" and five minutes later they're trying to get sex.

Maybe you're not like that but why take the chance she'll view you like the other guys she's met? You could turn her right off with that suggestion.

Also, what's the point of trying to get something going with someone who's going to be eight hours away? Aren't there any young women who live closer you could date?

Fair enough I like your way of thinking, and as for her being 8 hours away she’s graduating college in like 4 months so will be back to being 20 minutes away. She’s gone for 1-2 months then back for spring break then another month and graduates. If I like her I’ll be fine with a couple wack months till she comes back 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

Fair enough I like your way of thinking, and as for her being 8 hours away she’s graduating college in like 4 months so will be back to being 20 minutes away. She’s gone for 1-2 months then back for spring break then another month and graduates. If I like her I’ll be fine with a couple wack months till she comes back 

Tell her after she graduates, if she moves back to your town you'd love to chat at that time and if you're both still interested and available you can meet. In this situation I would date her only if you can meet in person regularly over a period of months -like once a week or so.

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

Fair enough I like your way of thinking, and as for her being 8 hours away she’s graduating college in like 4 months so will be back to being 20 minutes away. She’s gone for 1-2 months then back for spring break then another month and graduates. If I like her I’ll be fine with a couple wack months till she comes back 

What kind of school is she attending that only has classes in January, then has spring break in February and then graduation in March?

And how do you know she'll want to tie herself down to a guy she went on two dates with?

It just seems like a lot when you could easily date women who live within a reasonable distance. 

[NeedHelpBruhhh]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Tell her after she graduates, if she moves back to your town you'd love to chat at that time and if you're both still interested and available you can meet. In this situation I would date her only if you can meet in person regularly over a period of months -like once a week or so.

Thank you for your responses but how come? When I go out with her next week, if it goes well and we both enjoyed it why not continue building a connection for when she leaves school in a few months and is back to being close full time? If this was a recurring thing with her being far away I would have said no but it’s only a couple of months before she graduates. She leaves to go back to college in 3 or 4 weeks, if we were to enjoy each others company I feel like she would be inclined to come back and continue it. I don’t think I have anything to lose trying as I’m looking for a solid relationship not a hookup 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

Thank you for your responses but how come? When I go out with her next week, if it goes well and we both enjoyed it why not continue building a connection for when she leaves school in a few months and is back to being close full time? If this was a recurring thing with her being far away I would have said no but it’s only a couple of months before she graduates. She leaves to go back to college in 3 or 4 weeks, if we were to enjoy each others company I feel like she would be inclined to come back and continue it. I don’t think I have anything to lose trying as I’m looking for a solid relationship not a hookup 

I would wait until you can see her regularly in person.  Especially with her hesitancy if you try to keep in touch long distance and see her sporadically you both will build up the fantasy aspects of this by typing and talking - wait till you can date her properly when she is local. Totally fine if you disagree. No biggie -she's a complete stranger you haven't even met yet.  My strong opinion is if you even want a shot at potentially getting to know her in person then wait.

And then you will know more about her post-graduation plans which can change really fast and she can end up going to grad school or applying or relocating.

[NeedHelpBruhhh]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What kind of school is she attending that only has classes in January, then has spring break in February and then graduation in March?

And how do you know she'll want to tie herself down to a guy she went on two dates with?

It just seems like a lot when you could easily date women who live within a reasonable distance. 

Hahaha no she’s graduating in may, I don’t know her exact schedule but she’s back to college in mid/late January, then spring break some time in March and by the time she goes back she’ll be graduating in may. And she lives less than 20 minutes away it’s just her college is pretty far, but since she’ll be coming back after she graduates I don’t see it as much of a problem for only a couple months. I feel like I have nothing to lose by just trying and seeing where it goes while still talking to other women 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

Hahaha no she’s graduating in may, I don’t know her exact schedule but she’s back to college in mid/late January, then spring break some time in March and by the time she goes back she’ll be graduating in may. And she lives less than 20 minutes away it’s just her college is pretty far, but since she’ll be coming back after she graduates I don’t see it as much of a problem for only a couple months. I feel like I have nothing to lose by just trying and seeing where it goes while still talking to other women 

I wrote above what the risks are in starting up something while she is still long distance -but obviously it's your risk to take.  To you the benefits of getting to know her right now outweigh the risks (or you might not think they are -I base my opinion on my decades of dating experience personally and indirectly but obviously doesn't make me "right").  Have fun!

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

 I was hoping I could at least get her comfortable enough to stay the night 

Try not to strive for this. Keep it simple. Start with just a few simple dates.

She's going back to school and she's trusted you enough to confide that she is in no hurry to sleep together.

You'll have to let things unfold naturally rather than have a mapped out plan as to when in home dates or sleepovers should take place.

[poorlittlefish]

12 hours ago, NeedHelpBruhhh said:

Then again this goes to show how bad hookup culture is, everybody thinks having a girl over your house automatically means sex which sucks 

She will think you inviting her to your house means sex too - that is the point of everyone warning you against this.  I recently dated a guy who suggested I go to his house on our second date "to watch a movie" and I said I'd prefer to get to know him better first.  He admitted he was just "looking for a bit of fun", so he didn't get a second date.  A woman going to the house of a man she barely knows is risky behaviour.  Unless she is looking only for a hook up, she's going to decline.  If you really like this girl, don't put her in that awkward situation.

[DarkCh0c0]

Romance her and do fun light things together at the beginning. Get to know her before she can come to your place.

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Here are some activities we did in our 20s:  dinner, movies, museums, miniature golf, bowling, dancing, live performances, jazz clubs, comedy club, walks in the park, walking around the city on streets that had art galleries, boating in a park, picnic, hiking, the zoo.

This is great advice. Pick any of the above for your dates and have fun with it. Whatever you do, stay out of each other's apartments for the first few weeks.

[Graystation108]

Me and my boyfriend met at 18 and 19 respectively in 2019, neither of us had dating experiences back then. The most important thing is to not rush it. Take her out for a simple lunch/dinner, get to know her and start it off like how you would with friends. If she shows interest after the first date keep going with those dates, maybe switch it up to ice skating, dancing club, disneyworld or whatever. Don't think so far into taking her back to your place (I first went to my boyfriend's place roughly 4 months of going out, right before becoming official), keep her comfortable and try to go at her pace. Ask her many questions without getting too personal and try to relate what she says with any stories you have. Good luck!