Telling Parents We're NOT Moving Home

[Tony_Soprano]

Hello eNA,

My wife, son and I are currently living in the Canadian Arctic. Our families think this is just a quick adventure and assume our next move will be back to our home province. Although that was the plan, we like it up here and are thinking of moving south but to a different territory that is still two time zones away from our families.

I'm really struggling with how to tell my family, specifically my parents, as I know they miss us and assume we'll be back close to them in a year or so. I'm sure they'll be gutted when we tell them it's another 3–5 year plan in a far away city. They need to understand home is where my wife and kid are but I don't want to hurt them, y'know?

Any pointers on how to broach this subject would be appreciated.

Happy holidays!

[Batya33]

My vote -as simply and directly as possible.  And no long apologies -keep it simple.  I know this is hard and I wish you the best.

[Tony_Soprano]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My vote -as simply and directly as possible.  And no long apologies -keep it simple.  I know this is hard and I wish you the best.

This is likely how I'll do it after the holidays. The funny thing is my dad left his parents in Italy for a better life in Canada in the '60s so he should understand.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Tony_Soprano said:

This is likely how I'll do it after the holidays. The funny thing is my dad left his parents in Italy for a better life in Canada in the '60s so he should understand.

With all deference and respect to your dad -I wouldn't count on it.  I know it's odd but I find that people don't often connect the dots that way. How often can you visit?

16 years ago I had lunch with my Aunt and Uncle in the city I grew up in.  They knew I was serious with my boyfriend, and they knew and liked him.  They knew I was planning on relocating 800 miles away for his job once we married. 

My uncle asked me to reconsider given my parents' age and how far I'd be. I honestly was surprised he even brought this up.  OUr parents were thrilled with our relationship, and were very supportive of the relocation (his parents lived about 7 miles from mine and they liked each other very much). I told him I needed to live my life, I was in my late 30s, I loved him and we'd agreed when we got back together for another chance at getting married that I would be willing to relocate for his career.  

It isn't easy being so far away.  Especially during the pandemic.  But I firmly believe that yes home is where you and your wife and daughter are happiest. People in my home city come from many other places and move to many other places so it's really common.  But this is why I mentioned simple and direct -because you don't want leeway for the guilt trip and you want them to see you have a united front with your family.  I just meant perhaps you can factor in visiting more often?

Good luck.

[Tony_Soprano]

This sounds eerily similar to my situation as we're in our thirties and I do have an aunt concerned about my mother/her sister. We will be more connected in this new city so visiting more often is a possibility.

[Batya33]

59 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

This sounds eerily similar to my situation as we're in our thirties and I do have an aunt concerned about my mother/her sister. We will be more connected in this new city so visiting more often is a possibility.

Yes so after you announce the plan when things settle in say you plan to visit more often.  I mean look -it's very hard to take care of aging parents from a distance -my husband especially endured this and went through it and when our son was a baby/toddler/young.  But I still am very supportive of families doing what works best for them.  You sound like a very well-intentioned thoughtful person!  Where do your wife's parents live? Will you have good child care where you are moving?

[Anonymous]

There are some parents that only understand direct direct, no questions asked statement. It sounds like they need that. 

[Seraphim]

^that was mine god knows how it ended up anonymous. 

[Coily]

One thought before you get down to brass tacks with informing the whole family, I would play up how happy you all are where you are. It will do two things: 1 It primes the pump for being direct about what's going to happen. 2 You can get a heads up about what, if any, questions you'll have to navigate.

As Batya said, just be direct and with no wiggle room for guilt trips.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

, we like it up here and are thinking of moving south but to a different territory that is still two time zones away from our families.

Why not stay where you are and when you have a specific plan in place to move discuss it then?

That way when you have your jobs, home and living arrangements figured out, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

When someone starts a discussion with "we're maybe thinking about..." it stirs unnecessary stress because it's an academic debate until it's a solid plan.

[Tony_Soprano]

Thank you all who contributed. I'll keep this brief as I'm out and about doing Christmas things.

• Batya, my wife's parents live in the same area of the country so we're both essentially the same distance from our parents/in-laws
• I'm leaning towards the direct approach, no nonsense or extra context
• That's smart, Coily, thanks. We truly are happy up here with our careers and pace of life so not too keen on returning to our "hometowns" anytime soon
• Wiseman, I should've been clearer: we ARE moving south but nowhere closer to our parents. My wife has a job starting in March, I have two interviews in early January and our son already has a daycare spot so it is happening
• I would hate for them to blurt out something insensitive and/or unsupportive at the news so I may prime them before we tell them together
• I know their upset-ness comes from a good place of missing us

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!