Ross & Rachael

[oldman]

18 hours ago, redswim30 said:

I'm going to approach this from a bit of a different place than others have. 

I actually suggest that you do NOT "bury this".  Wanting to reconnect with someone from our past doesn't always mean it's because we want to jump into bed with someone or ditch our spouse to be with them.  You could potentially be throwing out a personal journey that could be important to your development.   You flat out say you have no interest in leaving your current wife, so I think there is something here worth exploring as your desire to reconnect with this old ex. 

People may reach out to exes for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes people assume it's cause you want to get it on with them, which is kinda of assuming the worst of someone and not always true. Sometimes people reach out to make amends for past mistakes, to heal trauma, to apologize, or even just to reconnect as friends.  I don't think it's playing with "fire" unless that's your intention going in or you think yourself unable to control yourself. I think as long as those two things are clear, comfortable and in your control, then my humble opinion is, one shouldn't deny themselves an opportunity for growth simply because others think you should never talk to an ex or to diminish every encounter as "it MUST be a sexual thing." 

I think you should think about why this strong desire has arisen in you.  Are you unhappy with perhaps some aspect of your marriage?   You say you would never leave your wife, and even if it's true- could there be something that this other person represents something you don't feel is being fulfilled in your marriage?  Or maybe it's NOTHING to do with your marriage at all, but about YOU. 

You say you broke up due to your own personal issues.  Perhaps some part of you wishes to atone for that.  You could do that, simply by reaching out via email and saying you regret how you handled the past.  Maybe it's simply because you would like her in your life as a friend.  Everyone feels differently about this, for me personally, my opinion is that you should be able to trust your partner having friends of the opposite gender.  They may provide meaning/support to your partner's life that they need.  You should want your partner to have support and platonic love from other sources than you. (and if you don't, you likely have insecurity/control issues and view your spouse as property, which isn't healthy)  If you don't trust your partner, why are you even with them?  Because no one can ever be 100% sure their partner isn't cheating on them, unless you are with them 24/7- you either trust them or you don't.  And again, if your assumption about them is they will instantly hop into bed with someone else, why are you even with them?  if you don't trust that even if someone is flirting with them or even suggesting more, that they would confidently say NO, then again why are you with them? 

But back to you, if you think you may want to be friends with this woman, I see nothing wrong in offering her friendly support.  HOWEVER, if you are viewing this as you want to see if there is still "something there", then I do NOT recommend meeting with her or offering what you cannot give.  BUT if this IS the case or you find yourself going there, ask yourself WHY.  This is important.   There could be something you are in denial about or internally struggling with that you just haven't identified.  It may not even be about HER Per se, perhaps it could be wanting to be young again.  Maybe, it's there is something you had personally as a kid, some aspect of yourself that you wish to reconnect with.   Or possibly it's that you miss having a friendly connection that someone that meant a lot to you.   As long as boundaries as clear, then I see no reason why you shouldn't have that friendship. 

I can't tell you the reasons or your feelings.  BUT- I personally do not think it wise to just "forget about it", as I do not think that's a healthy choice for you.   I think it's important to explore our motivations and desires as a way to find insight into ourselves and look for growth opportunities.  Assuming this is just a desire for an affair would be a disservice to you, your potential growth and frankly to your wife if there's something you do feel your marriage may need to survive and thrive.  

Remember, issues we don't resolve only come back and can lead to worse mistakes if we don't address them head-on the first time.   I think it's overall positive to figure out WHY you've been feeling this way.  I disagree with denying your own thoughts and feelings for the comfort of others, that's just living a lie and will eventually come to a head anyway. You should be in a marriage and committed to your spouse because you WANT to be, not because you feel like you "have to". That isn't healthy for anyone in the long run. 

GOOD LUCK. 

 

@redswim30 Firstly, thanks for the well wishes and secondly but more importantly, thank you for giving a different perspective and believing in me and my moral compass. Your insights are highly appreciated.

You're spot-on on alot of things and I HAVE been trying to make sense of why emotions suddenly arose because:

- I've no issue with marriage. (Wife is an improved version of my ex, so all good there)

- We've been in touch via email to for birthday wishes in the past years. no sparks either.

- I suspected that she was facing issues almost a year ago, and was confirmed 1/2 a year ago but there wasnt any desire to reach out, even though she was unmarried

Which leaves Timing and what spurred this. Out of the blue, I started to ponder that I could have 'scarred' my ex way back. Then guilt hits.

So that's probably it... but should I actually touch on this after all these time? We've both buried it (or so it seems?) and I cant tell her that all this could've been my fault but at the same time, im putting the blame on myself too.

The most is that Im trying to give her moral support in a way I've not been able to in the past, which could have amounted to a certain level of guilt and hence, a path of atonement (I've already been on this journey of atonement with many other family members, neighbour, friends from my past so no special provision there...its just another path that I think i should carve out and explore)

Having her in my life as a friend would be great because there are only 2 people in this world that i actually shared everything with & bared my soul to: the ex & my wife. I said this before: there are 4 women that I love: my grandma, my mum and my 2 exes (1 became my wife :)) but my loyalty lies with my wife.

Im not infatuated, not trying to win the ex back again, nor interested to rekindle our past love nor passion either. Those are all in the past, and will 99% stay in the rosy past.

Im here to ensure the 1% does not get exploited by my weakness.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, oldman said:

The most is that Im trying to give her moral support in a way I've not been able to in the past, which could have amounted to a certain level of guilt and hence, a path of atonement (I've already been on this journey of atonement with many other family members, neighbour, friends from my past so no special provision there...its just another path that I think i should carve out and explore)

Having her in my life as a friend would be great because there are only 2 people in this world that i actually shared everything with & bared my soul to: the ex & my wife. I said this before: there are 4 women that I love: my grandma, my mum and my 2 exes (1 became my wife :)) but my loyalty lies with my wife.

Right now you are not the right person to give her this sort of support IMO. Plus as with your self reflection journey it sounds like your desire is mostly about your needs given what you said about other close friends.

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't advise you to take the chance of doing something that could turn you into a person you don't want to be. 

You said you still have love for her, there's an "ember" and there's a "1%" chance your feelings are going to turn out to be more than friendly toward her.

Please don't destroy the good marriage you say you have. Talk to your wife. Do something nice for her. Remind yourself how much she means to you and how bad it would feel to lose her. It's just not worth it.

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, oldman said:

Having her in my life as a friend would be great because there are only 2 people in this world that i actually shared everything with & bared my soul to: the ex & my wife. I said this before: there are 4 women that I love: my grandma, my mum and my 2 exes (1 became my wife :)) but my loyalty lies with my wife.

Wow, saying you love this ex in present tense--what a blow to your wife if she were to read this. You've kept that love alive with the ex because of the unending communication, even if it's only been a few times a year, plus bringing her to mind, who knows how often.

People can act stupidly from time to time in younger years. I know I have moments I regret, but I realize that it's normal to be a human being who makes mistakes. Put away your lashing whip. You don't need to self-flagellate. And stop using atonement and useless guilt as an excuse to stay in contact with an attractive ex. 

You're not the only person on the planet she can seek a caring ear from.

Care more about your wife than someone who should've been left in your rear-view mirror a decade ago. 

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, oldman said:

there are 4 women that I love: my grandma, my mum and my 2 exes

How do you think your wife would feel to know you love your ex? 

You need to cut all contact with her, OP. This is too slippery a slope and it's incredibly unfair to your wife. Leave the past in the past, and close the door completely. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, oldman said:

@redswim30  I'm here to ensure the 1% does not get exploited by my weakness.

You don't seem weak, you seem lonely lost and perhaps a bit depressed. 

This isn't really about cheating or long lost old flames, but seems to do with the fear of growing old and clasping on to what this represents.

And this has nothing to do with this old flame or your wife. This has to do with the more existential questions you're pondering. 

Reflect if perhaps you've coasted along for so long that you feel you've landed in a place of feeling useless.

This may explain why your marriage is on autopilot and you're looking for projects to keep yourself busy and affirm some purpose and usefulness in your life.

[oldman]

Thanks everyone for the support, encouragement and advises. Most have cautioned against contacting and move on so i'll just opiate these feelings out.

i've been busy these past days which helps takes my mind off this topic to slowly burying back the feelings & memories. It is what it is.

those who dont face these type of inner struggles, good for you. For those who have sorted them out, well done.

I might be hanging on to these precious memories like Gollum, but im just unable to shake them off ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Nx stop: shrink office

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, oldman said:

those who dont face these type of inner struggles, good for you. For those who have sorted them out, well done.

What was meant by that? Many people have relationship-related struggles.  People sort them out -or mostly sort- in various ways.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, oldman said:

¯Nx stop: shrink office

That's a good idea. Start journaling, because it may be a good outlet for more pensive people. Additionally. Try to adjust to your life as it is now by reshaping things. Living in the past trying to mentally reignite an old flame is often part of midlife crisis.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. This way you can make friends, learn things and keep your mind focused on the present and future.

Perhaps do some classes or clubs or sports or whatever with your wife to help with the staleness and complacency.

Because this has nothing to do with your old flame or your wife or any comparisons. This is going on within you.