Ross & Rachael

[oldman]

I was in a wonderful first love when we were both between 17-24 yo. The relationship meant everything to us.

We separated largely because I was immature and insecure and at that time, she just started working fulltime but i was in college. My insecurities & temper pushed her away.

Heartbroken, I ghosted the ex for more than a decade but we shared common friends so i do get  some news milestone news like her getting married, kids, moving abroad.

Few months after the breakup, I met a lass, built our new chapter, matured, mellowed & happily settled down. I'll move the earth for her. We're tight & she's the best. She knows about my ex but not the following...

My ex & i made contact 7 years ago. We've constantly emailed each other birthday wishes & seasons greetings, which usually dies off after the 3rd or 4th reply.

In an email earlier in the year, she told me that she's returned because things didnt work out but didnt tell me to what extend. I suspected smthing was amiss but didnt ask.

Her brithday just passed in 2022Q4 so i asked how she was and eventually found out that shes filed for divorce due to infidelity, which made me sad. It kinda broke my heart to know this.

I feel like telling her that i'd like to be there for her if she needs me, but im uncomfortable as i'll never do anything to hurt my wife. At the same time, the love for my first is there. The fire was extinguished long time ago but the ember still glows.

I dont dare offer to exchange numbers cos i might be rejected, she pulls away etc. Nostalgia is flowing, and i dont want to look like a fool hungup in the past.

I've only had 2 girlfriends and i married the 2nd. It couldve been the first if we didnt breakup. I love hard and've always been a magnet for girls with daddy-issues. I chose to be faithful to these 2 during each courtship.

As you can read, im on a scatter brained motional rollercoaster rite now. Its always been that here're 4 women that i truly love in my life; me grandma, me mom, and me 2 ex-girlfriends (1 became my wife).

Thanks for reading this and i hope anyone who has been in this position can share how you dealt with circumstances. Good blesss!

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, oldman said:

I feel like telling her that i'd like to be there for her if she needs me

No, absolutely do not do this. 

You are married. You are harbouring a nostalgic crush, but you need to give your head a shake. Staying in any sort of closer contact with this woman is a bad idea. You should keep a very wide berth from her and not try to push the door open any further. 

35 minutes ago, oldman said:

i dont want to look like a fool hungup in the past.

So, what's missing in your present that you're reaching into the past like this? 

[Lambert]

No.  Don't try to be there for her.  That's not the nature of your relationship.  

Say a prayer for her and focus on your wife. 

[smackie9]

That was years ago, she is not that person you remembered. She has family, and close friends to comfort her. She doesn't need you in the picture. Shake this silliness off and put it behind you. Down the road you will be glad you didn't over step your boundaries.

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others- this is absolutely not the time to be in contact with her.  It's playing with fire.  And ultimately will not be helpful to her, anyway.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, oldman said:

As you can read, im on a scatter brained motional rollercoaster rite now. Its always been that here're 4 women that i truly love in my life; me grandma, me mom, and me 2 ex-girlfriends (1 became my wife).

 

Scootish, huh? 😁

I dunno what you hope to gain out of that. You are married so unless you want to divorce your wife and reconnect with your first love, there is a lot more to loose then to gain there. I am a romantic soul myself. But life is not a romantic sitcom. No, you are not Ross and Rachel. You are not "meant to be" or whatever you mean just because she is your first love. You are married to somebody else and she is divorced. That is not a circumstance where you should recconect. And quite frankly I am concerrned that you think this wont make troubles in your marriage. That is way more important then some girl you broke up over a decade ago.

[Batya33]

Do you feel like you settled for your wife? I dated someone for a few months and we broke up but stayed friends.  He met his future wife a few years later.  We all became friends.  I was always closer with him than her. 

The night before his wedding he called me - there was a logistical reason I now forget.  He said slowly "you know........ it really could have been..." It was VERY obvious from his tone and the context he was about to say "you and me".  (I was single).  I caught it in time, casually interrupted, said something quick like "oh you know I'd better go and you have a big day tomorrow!! - can't wait!" -something like that. I did NOT let him finish that sentence.  I was not going to let the convo "go there."  Even though I wasn't entirely sure she was right for him.  They've been married over 20 years and I have no idea if they're happy but they're married. 

I don't think he settled for her over me.  At all.  But again - don't play with fire and if you settled for your wife despite loving her that's a separate issue.  Keep it separate from mucking things up with the Damsel in Distress. 

[oldman]

Thanks everyone who replied. Im not trusting my judgement, which is why im putting it out here for advise. Its just that the whirlwind of emotions came back, the 'what ifs', nostalgia and im just giving it too much thought.

I was thinking it could just be a platonic relationship but its probably unhealthy and i'll snap out of it soon enough. Im not desperate, nor even want to undo the past, but maybe the guilt of the past was unburied.

Yes there is more to lose and the circumstances are lousy and i wont trade my wife for anyone else but yes life isnt a romcom, and there is more to lose and the circumstances are lousy and i wont trade my wife for anyone else but yes life isnt a romcom.

Frankly, im ashamed & scared that im even playing with this but thanks for all these support.

 

[boltnrun]

It's fine to think "what if" but acting on it is a completely different thing.

Imagine your wife had some ex she reconnected with under the guise of wanting to "help" or "be supportive". Next, imagine she was fondly reminiscing about him and wondering if he was "the one who got away". It's not a good feeling, is it?

Also, think about all you would lose if you pursued this. It's just not worth it.

Do something cool and fun for your wife. Take her somewhere nice and make her laugh and give her affection. It'll feel great.

[oldman]

Most definately. I think of my wife at every juncture and I agree 100% ITS NOT OK if i were to act on it. Im fact, I hate that Im even feeling like this, which is partly why Im here to get help on how to bury this once more. I tend to look back in the past to reminisce but it usually stops there. My memory archives are mostly filled with positivity, which may have disillusioned me this time.. .

@boltnrun Thanks for the suggestion. Time to make new memories and explore new places!

@Batya33 Thanks for sharing your experience. My wife is almost similar to my ex so nothing missing there, except probably her wicked sense of humor. She's an upgrade actually.

@Lambert @smackie9 @Kwothe28 @MissCanuck Appreciate for calling it the way it is. I've gotta screw my head back on and focus on the road ahead. 

[MissCanuck]

Good that you are going to drop the idea of being friends with this woman. That would be a bad idea. 

But how is your marriage? I am guessing there is some disconnect between you and your wife, or you wouldn't be feeling this way about an ex from ages ago. 

[oldman]

My marriage is fine actually. I'll even say that its rock solid. There are no push factors in our relationship. I'm truly happy and thankful to have met my wife. 

Its just that in the 2nd half of the past decade, i was on a self-reflection journey, embracing spiritual growth and seeking forgiveness from people from my past. On this journey, I learned about human psychology and how delayed onset of early experiences/trauma has on everyone.

I was a thousand miles off from being a peach. Which lead me to think that i may have 'scarred' my ex from my hyperinflated ego / rage / mental bullying (I've always been a magnet for girls with some form of daddy-issues I dont know why). Thus, maybe I feel the need to atone myself? Its never about trying to get her back to the #1 spot but more like a familial love/support because we once shared a life together and Im sorry this happened to you. But of course, not at the expense of I have now.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, oldman said:

. Thus, maybe I feel the need to atone myself?  But of course, not at the expense of I have now.

Agree you're nostalgic and longing for your youth and perhaps grasping at straws, backpedaling and redoing/rewriting who you are.

Swooping in to fan the embers of a very vulnerable old flame is an easy project but far from atoning anything.

It seems more like keeping your little secret from your wife alive to maintain a distance and and a place to be checked out in a fantasy life to escape some humdrum aspects of marriage.

Perhaps journaling or therapy could help you unpack and sort out some issues that seem to revolve around living in the past and escapist strategies to avoid dealing with the here and now.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, oldman said:

Its just that in the 2nd half of the past decade, i was on a self-reflection journey, embracing spiritual growth and seeking forgiveness from people from my past. On this journey, I learned about human psychology and how delayed onset of early experiences/trauma has on everyone.

I would now shift over from the contemplating your navel inner stuff to using what you learned to give to others including your wife -not seeking forgiveness-that's about you -but contributing to others in small or medium or large ways so that your "atonement" is in the form of -going forward you're going to act and react in x y and z ways so you're more of a peach.  

Self-reflection and spiritual growth are laudable goals.  Studying any discipline can be really enriching -including studying psychology, or history, or literature or art.  The problem becomes when you elevate what you're doing to a level where you then justify being intensely inner focused and indulging in justifying decisions that might very well hurt others in the name of your "Journey." 

Play nicely in the sandbox/don't play with fire - stuff that was part of the journey of preschool and kindergarten (I taught both in my first career many moons ago) is just as helpful as inner reflection on spirituality and abstract concepts.  

[redswim30]

I'm going to approach this from a bit of a different place than others have. 

I actually suggest that you do NOT "bury this".  Wanting to reconnect with someone from our past doesn't always mean it's because we want to jump into bed with someone or ditch our spouse to be with them.  You could potentially be throwing out a personal journey that could be important to your development.   You flat out say you have no interest in leaving your current wife, so I think there is something here worth exploring as your desire to reconnect with this old ex. 

People may reach out to exes for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes people assume it's cause you want to get it on with them, which is kinda of assuming the worst of someone and not always true. Sometimes people reach out to make amends for past mistakes, to heal trauma, to apologize, or even just to reconnect as friends.  I don't think it's playing with "fire" unless that's your intention going in or you think yourself unable to control yourself. I think as long as those two things are clear, comfortable and in your control, then my humble opinion is, one shouldn't deny themselves an opportunity for growth simply because others think you should never talk to an ex or to diminish every encounter as "it MUST be a sexual thing." 

I think you should think about why this strong desire has arisen in you.  Are you unhappy with perhaps some aspect of your marriage?   You say you would never leave your wife, and even if it's true- could there be something that this other person represents something you don't feel is being fulfilled in your marriage?  Or maybe it's NOTHING to do with your marriage at all, but about YOU. 

You say you broke up due to your own personal issues.  Perhaps some part of you wishes to atone for that.  You could do that, simply by reaching out via email and saying you regret how you handled the past.  Maybe it's simply because you would like her in your life as a friend.  Everyone feels differently about this, for me personally, my opinion is that you should be able to trust your partner having friends of the opposite gender.  They may provide meaning/support to your partner's life that they need.  You should want your partner to have support and platonic love from other sources than you. (and if you don't, you likely have insecurity/control issues and view your spouse as property, which isn't healthy)  If you don't trust your partner, why are you even with them?  Because no one can ever be 100% sure their partner isn't cheating on them, unless you are with them 24/7- you either trust them or you don't.  And again, if your assumption about them is they will instantly hop into bed with someone else, why are you even with them?  if you don't trust that even if someone is flirting with them or even suggesting more, that they would confidently say NO, then again why are you with them? 

But back to you, if you think you may want to be friends with this woman, I see nothing wrong in offering her friendly support.  HOWEVER, if you are viewing this as you want to see if there is still "something there", then I do NOT recommend meeting with her or offering what you cannot give.  BUT if this IS the case or you find yourself going there, ask yourself WHY.  This is important.   There could be something you are in denial about or internally struggling with that you just haven't identified.  It may not even be about HER Per se, perhaps it could be wanting to be young again.  Maybe, it's there is something you had personally as a kid, some aspect of yourself that you wish to reconnect with.   Or possibly it's that you miss having a friendly connection that someone that meant a lot to you.   As long as boundaries as clear, then I see no reason why you shouldn't have that friendship. 

I can't tell you the reasons or your feelings.  BUT- I personally do not think it wise to just "forget about it", as I do not think that's a healthy choice for you.   I think it's important to explore our motivations and desires as a way to find insight into ourselves and look for growth opportunities.  Assuming this is just a desire for an affair would be a disservice to you, your potential growth and frankly to your wife if there's something you do feel your marriage may need to survive and thrive.  

Remember, issues we don't resolve only come back and can lead to worse mistakes if we don't address them head-on the first time.   I think it's overall positive to figure out WHY you've been feeling this way.  I disagree with denying your own thoughts and feelings for the comfort of others, that's just living a lie and will eventually come to a head anyway. You should be in a marriage and committed to your spouse because you WANT to be, not because you feel like you "have to". That isn't healthy for anyone in the long run. 

GOOD LUCK. 

 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, oldman said:

My marriage is fine actually. I'll even say that its rock solid.

And what do you suppose your wife would think of you wanting to be a support to this woman? 

[Batya33]

I think it’s fine if he wants to reach out once she is divorced for quite awhile and settled whether on her own or with a new partner and able to be a friend on equal footing.  I don’t think the risks of this particular situation are worth the benefits and seeing it as essential to some sort of atonement or closure or personal growth should take a back seat to avoiding a potentially volatile situation with a woman you once loved who is now a damsel in distress.  

[boltnrun]

On 12/18/2022 at 6:30 AM, oldman said:

the love for my first is there. The fire was extinguished long time ago but the ember still glows.

This ^ is why remaining in contact or making any offers of "support" are a bad idea. These feelings are not borne out of desiring "atonement" or "forgiveness". An ember will die out if left to do so, but adding fuel to it will cause it to ignite into a flame. Bad idea. 

I think you have reached this conclusion. And I'm glad, because sneaking around behind your wife's back would turn you into someone you probably don't want to be.

[Andrina]

I just listened to this audio book, and I strongly suggest you read it as well: The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

It's a work of fiction, but it really makes you think about life choices, and this novel brings you on a journey of the protagonist trying on numerous different lives they thought would've brought them happiness. I'm a person who has, in different times in my life, thought of the "what ifs." The story made me rethink all of that.

And what I think you should communicate to the ex? One last communication wishing her well, but that you will have to go no contact for the good of your marriage.

Your wife deserves no less, and if you can't do that, it'll be one more thing you can add to your life that you end up regretting.

It's called establishing relationship boundaries. Just as, in example, if you thought a co-worker was attractive and she started stopping by your desk for lengthy daily chats and you looked forward to going to work just because you know you'd be seeing her that day--that's exactly the person you shouldn't treat any differently than any other co-worker, and you would have to actively cut conversations short due to the attraction. And you definitely wouldn't confide in each other about relationship problems. That often develops into an emotional affair.

You never shared a home with all the daily stress that comes with it with the ex--paying bills, illnesses, family drama, etc. It was a youthful relationship where I'm sure the beginning, at least, was loads of fun. So the fantasy world of what could've been with her is probably seen through rose-colored glasses.

You say you're happy with your wife, so remove all outside interferences that would put that in jeopardy. If you need a spark to reignite anything that might be missing, look into some articles that will give you some great ideas. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

On 12/18/2022 at 9:30 AM, oldman said:

... im uncomfortable as i'll never do anything to hurt my wife.

This is good news, and it means you can be transparent with your wife and ask HER what she's comfortable with you doing.

Don't try to fool yourself. You cannot be disloyal yet claim loyalty at the same time.

Rule of thumb: don't say or do things with other women that you wouldn't do in front of your wife.

[oldman]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And what do you suppose your wife would think of you wanting to be a support to this woman? 

It wont go down well. my wife is fiercely loyal and myself too. which is why even before i do anything, im trying to get some communal validation and to get as much point of views as possible. see if anyone has successfully done something like this etc

[oldman]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps journaling or therapy could help you unpack and sort out some issues that seem to revolve around living in the past and escapist strategies to avoid dealing with the here and now.

yea writing it out helps and with the guidance ofeveryone here, i trying to scrutinize the 20-year old burial site and CSI the skeletons that got buried in there as well. it needs to be addressed, but i've no idea how, and im afraid that emotions take over and i'll do something dumb again. So the responses here have been helpful in keeping my head screwed on and keeping me within the confines of a marriage.

[oldman]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

The problem becomes when you elevate what you're doing to a level where you then justify being intensely inner focused and indulging in justifying decisions that might very well hurt others in the name of your "Journey." 

Play nicely in the sandbox/don't play with fire - stuff that was part of the journey of preschool and kindergarten (I taught both in my first career many moons ago) is just as helpful as inner reflection on spirituality and abstract concepts.  

this is fantastic and what im especially wary of.

[oldman]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is good news, and it means you can be transparent with your wife and ask HER what she's comfortable with you doing.

Don't try to fool yourself. You cannot be disloyal yet claim loyalty at the same time.

Rule of thumb: don't say or do things with other women that you wouldn't do in front of your wife.

Yes exactly. I've thought of that too. Honesty is the best policy and we can tackle this issue together, instead of keeping it a secret, which, more often than not, is a recipe for disaster. I respect her enough to be judged by her for this.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, oldman said:

Yes exactly. I've thought of that too. Honesty is the best policy and we can tackle this issue together, instead of keeping it a secret, which, more often than not, is a recipe for disaster. I respect her enough to be judged by her for this.

Yes if you want to take an action that you're not sure is consistent with your commitment either don't take it or check in with your wife.