I have no idea how to proceed with girl I’m interested in

[ReadyRoom]

Hello!

I’ve met an absolutely wonderful person over a year ago and it’s at a point now where I feel a big decision might be on the horizon, and I’m just looking for some advice. 

This might be a little long but I feel I need to provide the appropriate context. 

So I live in a midwestern city and my sister has been living in Colorado with her fiancé for the last 3 years.

My sister and I are very close and talk to each other on a regular basis, with me even visiting her in Colorado several times a year. She is very accommodating and has me stay with her for a weekend trip. Usually planned around a concert.

In September 2021, I took a trip out there for a concert and it was going to just be the 3 of us going to the concert - myself, my sister, and her fiancé.

Well it turned out a week prior that her fiancé had to work that night so my sister invited her friend, Kay, instead. I really didn’t think anything of it at the time.

My sister also mentioned she was having a small game night with some friends the night before so I would get to meet Kay before actually going to the concert the next night. 

The night of the game night in comes walking Kay. I had one of those super cliche and corny moments you hear about when you see someone for the first time and time stands still.

I went up and introduced myself and she was very friendly back. I just wasn’t prepared for this and I remember my brain just getting this fried feeling. All of a sudden I couldn’t think straight and felt really awkward. Like I had been shocked or something.

The night ended up being super fun and I remember Kay and I laughing at each other all night. It turned out that we were both witty people with matching styles of humor. We were playing Balderdash and we kept choosing each other’s answers on each round.

I was just knocked on my ass by her charm, wit, intellect and cuteness.

So the next night Kay comes back over and my sister, Kay, and myself head out for the concert.

At one point before the show started my sister went off to the bathroom leaving Kay and I sitting there alone.

We immediately started talking and just clicked. I remember it feeling like I had known her forever. There was just no awkwardness or silences. We talked and laughed about everything and had so much in common it was just unreal.

I don’t even know how long we were talking for because time and space just ceased to exist. I remember being bummed out when the band took the stage and everyone stood up because I just wanted to keep talking to her. It was like, “Oh yeah, we’re at a concert. I forgot.”

When we were leaving I mentioned I would be back in town with my family over Thanksgiving. She perked up at this and said she was thinking about having a Friendsgiving at her place. I remember thinking “who plans a Friendsgiving in September?”

Anyway, I head home the next day and that’s when everything hit me. All of a sudden I couldn’t shake this girl from my mind. But because she was my sisters friend and lived in a completely city I just tried letting it go.

Flash forward a few months and I’m out there again with my parents and other sisters. And whattaya know… Kay shows up to my family Thanksgiving since her family lives in a different state. My sister had invited her.

Part of me was wondering if I’d see her on this trip and when I found out I was, I got extremely giddy on the inside. All those feelings came back when I saw her again. We just picked up right where we left off. Talking and joking around with each other all night. She also got along really well with my whole family and just seemed to naturally fit in. My Dad loved her and gave me the thumbs up later when he was leaving.

Again, I head home that weekend and she’s all of a sudden on my mind again.

A full year goes by and I head out there again for a concert in December 2022.

At this point I know all of my sisters friends so she decided to have another game night and invites Kay over.

Kay comes in and we pick up where we left off again, having several one on one conversations throughout the night.

We also kept locking eyes and laughing/smiling at each other. I remember my cheeks were hurting at the end of the night from smiling so much. Every time we looked at each other it was like feeling a high from a drug.

The next day myself, my sister, her fiancé, and Kay went to go watch one of their friends in a bowling tournament.

We were there for most of the day and Kay and I wandered off on our own several times. We would laugh at the goofy reviews behind the concession counter, walk around the empty game room together laughing at the old pinball machines, and just talk about general life stuff. We are basically on the same page with every topic, hobby and interest. Same taste in movies, music, shows, etc. It was like looking into a mirror. 

At the end of the day we hugged and I told her it was good seeing her again and to have a good Christmas.

After coming home this last time, I’ve found myself falling DEEP for her. I’m kicking myself for not getting her number and wanting to keep in touch. I feel like a complete idiot.

My sister has been trying to get me to move out there since she moved and I’m seriously considering it for the first time. We talked about it this on my trip and she’s excited about the idea.

I just don’t know if I’m going crazy or not. I’ve considered it prior to meeting Kay, but never took any concrete steps to move there. 

Now, I feel this fire under my ass. I would love it out there in general, I know that for sure. But I also almost feel like I don’t have a choice either. Something about Kay is just pulling me there regardless.

I just feel that if I didn’t at least go out there, I would end up regretting it forever  

I’ve never clicked with someone the way I do with Kay. It’s made all my previous relationships seem flat or fake if that makes sense.

I haven’t shared my feelings about Kay with my sister because I’m not sure how she would react. But part of me thinks it would be the right thing to do. 

I know this is a lot! Any advice here? Am I going crazy by letting my feelings get the best of me?

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

Sure, well, if you'd be happy building a life in Colorado regardless of whether or not a relationship happens with Kay, and you're not leaving some high-powered career not available there, why not move? 

Even if you dated her and it didn't work out, or if you read her wrongly and she's not willing to date you, you could still build a nice life close by to your sibling, who's your buddy. Siblings are who we know the longest while on earth, and it's great you have one you're close to.

It's probably actually good that you haven't begun something with this woman, and then months later say you're up and moving to be close to her. Because even as that would be the goal for new partners, it adds pressure to the person in that situation whereas they might think: OMG, this person's moving all this way for me. What happens if after two more dates, things fall apart?

Just keep with realistic expectations, that your being happy there isn't contingent upon Kay. If it happens that you two date and it works out, it'll be a bonus. And if down the road you're dating and she asks if you moved there for her, you can word it just like I've said here, such as, "Yes, I had hopes, so it was a bonus to me moving to a place I enjoy, and to be closer to my sister."

Things look promising with her, but if she's not your fate, another lovely lady will love to be your number one as you sound like a real catch. Good luck and let us know what happens!

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, ReadyRoom said:

We were there for most of the day and Kay and I wandered off on our own several times.

And you havent considered to make a move there? Do you need an invitation with arrows pointing at her?

You will never do anything with being passive like that. You need to be more prolific. Do you have Kay number or her social media? Call her or message her and say that you want to go to Colorado and that you would want to take her out somewhere for dinner. 

You wont get anything with living in a fantasy world where you just see that girl couple of times a year and you talk. You need to make a concrete steps where you would date her and try something with her. No matter what her answer to that would be. You like this girl, so convey that to her by taking her out somewhere nice and see where it goes.

[ReadyRoom]

46 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Sure, well, if you'd be happy building a life in Colorado regardless of whether or not a relationship happens with Kay, and you're not leaving some high-powered career not available there, why not move? 

Even if you dated her and it didn't work out, or if you read her wrongly and she's not willing to date you, you could still build a nice life close by to your sibling, who's your buddy. Siblings are who we know the longest while on earth, and it's great you have one you're close to.

It's probably actually good that you haven't begun something with this woman, and then months later say you're up and moving to be close to her. Because even as that would be the goal for new partners, it adds pressure to the person in that situation whereas they might think: OMG, this person's moving all this way for me. What happens if after two more dates, things fall apart?

Just keep with realistic expectations, that your being happy there isn't contingent upon Kay. If it happens that you two date and it works out, it'll be a bonus. And if down the road you're dating and she asks if you moved there for her, you can word it just like I've said here, such as, "Yes, I had hopes, so it was a bonus to me moving to a place I enjoy, and to be closer to my sister."

Things look promising with her, but if she's not your fate, another lovely lady will love to be your number one as you sound like a real catch. Good luck and let us know what happens!

This is exactly what I needed to hear. You are so right. Thank you!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ReadyRoom said:

This is exactly what I needed to hear. You are so right. Thank you!

Also if she is so awesome don't wait -she will meet someone else! I remember one of my now husband's friends told him to wait before asking me to get back together since he was going back to the city where he worked after a month in our hometown -meaning, plane flight -frien advised waiting a few months.  Thank goodness he didn't.  I was actively dating and looking to meet people and as much as I was hoping he was interested in dating me again (we'd met up twice platonically after many years apart) - I would not have waited around especially since he would be a 2 plus hour plane ride away.

[boltnrun]

I agree with @Batya33. If this woman is as awesome as you say, you don't want to take the chance of someone else snapping her up because you were sitting on your hands.

What are your plans for NYE? Any chance of spending it in CO? If so, why not ask Kay out to a fun event? Nothing heavy, maybe music or watching fireworks. 

[ReadyRoom]

Thanks everyone. I definitely think about the possibility she could date someone else. I’m surprised she’s been single this whole time I’ve known her.

My lease ends in May and I have nothing holding me in my current city.

My intention at this moment is to move out there for myself first and foremost, with the possibility of dating Kay as icing on the cake. I’m actually talking to a fellow single friend about going out there with me, so it’s not so bad if things don’t work out.

I know I’ll have to go out there between now and then to look at apartments and maybe even a job interview or 2, so I’m positive I’ll see her then. Probably early Spring. I’ll get a good feel then how she feels about it. I have a very strong feeling she’ll be excited.

I’m also sure my sister is going to bring it up to Kay at some point soon since it’s being talked about on our end. She at least will know. They are besties out there and my sister is very excited about the idea of me being out there.

as for adding her on social media - that would be the normal thing to do in this day and age but one of the similarities we both share is that we both don’t use or like social media lol! We both have a Facebook page but I had to thumb through pages and pages to find hers, and I don’t use mine. She hasn’t updated it in years and I don’t want to give off weird stalker vibes. My sister isn’t on Facebook so she would know I would have had to really look for it. 

 

[Batya33]

I'd act much much sooner than you are writing above.  Things can change overnight (they did for me - I met an ex fiancee for a platonic catch up dinner 7 years after we broke up -and sparks flew.  That night my life changed and we got back together a month later - had it been much longer I don't know if it would have worked out.  Timing often is everything -she is single today -you think.  I would -call her - tell her you're considering a potential move to CO in the spring/summer. Tell her you're planning to come out for a visit in the next couple of weeks and would love to take her out on a date.

If dating her would simply be "icing on the cake" then either you're not that into her or you like the idea of a potential "soulmate" or strong connection but are somehow hesitant to act on it. 

[Kwothe28]

6 minutes ago, ReadyRoom said:

as for adding her on social media - that would be the normal thing to do in this day and age but one of the similarities we both share is that we both don’t use or like social media lol! We both have a Facebook page but I had to thumb through pages and pages to find hers, and I don’t use mine. She hasn’t updated it in years and I don’t want to give off weird stalker vibes. My sister isn’t on Facebook so she would know I would have had to really look for it. 

 

Can you ask your sister to ask her if sister can give you her phone number? Its a bit unortodox and I wouldnt do it without asking her if she is OK with your sister giving you the number. But if she likes you I am sure she wont mind. And again, you would need to be way less passive regarding it so its maybe a way into the right direction. 

[ReadyRoom]

Hmm yeah maybe I do need to act sooner. I’m 100% into her. I’ve been just treading lightly with her.

The sister will be in town over Christmas. I think I’m just going to come clean to her about my feelings and see what she says. She’s always been on my side when it comes to matters of the heart and has been quick in the past to tell me if someone is good for me or not.

If she’s cool with everything, I’m going to see if she can help me get the ball rolling somehow. 

[Andrina]

If she's as into you as you are into her, as soon as she finds out you're moving there in 5 months, she likely won't be getting on Match.com, etc. LOL

If I were you, when you next go to Colorado and see Kay, you can say something like: Now that I'm moving here, I'd like to give you my cell number.

You can see by her reaction if things are favorable. Once that happens, you can communicate more often, and if you see signs are favorable she would welcome an invite to dinner, ask. 

Would love to hear the outcome, so keep us in the loop.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ReadyRoom said:

Hmm yeah maybe I do need to act sooner. I’m 100% into her. I’ve been just treading lightly with her.

The sister will be in town over Christmas. I think I’m just going to come clean to her about my feelings and see what she says. She’s always been on my side when it comes to matters of the heart and has been quick in the past to tell me if someone is good for me or not.

If she’s cool with everything, I’m going to see if she can help me get the ball rolling somehow. 

I would not share feelings. That’s overwhelming. Ask her out on a proper date you plan in advance. Even a month in advance.  She’ll understand that you’re interested. 

[boltnrun]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not share feelings. That’s overwhelming. Ask her out on a proper date you plan in advance. Even a month in advance.  She’ll understand that you’re interested. 

I think he meant he's going to share his feelings with his sister, not with Kay.

Or I could be wrong.

OP, did you mean sharing your feelings with your sister or share them with Kay?

[ReadyRoom]

I meant share my feelings with my sister. Apologies if that wasn’t clear. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, ReadyRoom said:

I meant share my feelings with my sister. Apologies if that wasn’t clear. 

Oh yes. Good idea so she knows how genuinely interested you are !

[lostandhurt]

I totally agree that if you move out there it HAS to be because that is what you want for your life not to date Kay.

Also I cannot believe you didn't get her number yet.  Time to sack up and be brave.  If you need to talk to your sister about this then do it.  "Hey sis, I really like Kay and wanted to know if she is single and possibly said anything about me to you"  See what she says and then ask your sis for her number or ask your sister to give your number to Kay.  Just do something please or you will regret it big time.

 Take a chance, be brave and do it now!  Do you think you are the only guy that thinks she is so great?

   I had a friend that waited and waited, dreamed and imagined until he finally was about to ask his dream girl on a date.  The next time he ran into her she was so excited to tell him about the guy she just met.  Don't wait one more minute, don't plan for the perfect time or holiday just make today that day.

This isn't the movies.

 Lost

[Tinydance]

I think though if Kay is the main reason you'd move to Colorado, don't you want to talk to her first and see if she feels the same about you? She's met you a few times now and got to know you a lot more. Maybe she's not in love with you yet but she should have an idea if she likes you and finds you attractive?

I mean, you don't necessarily have to tell her you'd be moving there for her. Can you talk to your sister and say you're interested in Kay? It seems like Kay is a good friend of hers. So she should know if Kay is dating anyone or if she's said anything about you?

Personally I wouldn't move there unless I sussed things out about Kay more. You let a long time pass between seeing Kay. Maybe she did like you but because you lived so far away, she may have met another guy. Find out from your sister if Kay is single. If she is then ask your sister to tell her you like her and to pass on your number. Then see how Kay reacts.

I don't mean to burst your bubble because I want things to work out for you with Kay. But even if she liked you and enjoyed her time with you, it might not necessarily mean to the extent of how strongly you feel about her.

You like her so much you're considering moving to another state. You don't really know if she liked you just as much, or maybe just thought: "My friend's brother is a nice guy and fun to hang out with". I mean, it just so happened that your sister was inviting Kay to events when you were there. Maybe it's because Kay also liked you and wanted to come along, or maybe it was just a coincidence. 

I just think don't do anything rash until you find out more about Kay. And even if she's interested maybe you could talk to her on the phone or video call at least a few times before making the big move.

[Batya33]

I think if he finds out she is is single he should ask her out for a date he plans in advance like when he plans to visit his sister next. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ReadyRoom said:

The sister will be in town over Christmas. I think I’m just going to come clean to her about my feelings and see what she says. 

Yes. Do this. Your family will keep your confidences as well as maybe let you know if she's even available or interested.  

[ReadyRoom]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Do this. Your family will keep your confidences as well as maybe let you know if she's even available or interested.  

She is in fact single. Going to talk to my sister about it. I feel that’s the best route at the moment.