SOS, "Same Old S***

[bungalo]

I've posted before on this topic. ( Me: 50+male with male friends in the same age range)  I am really sick of half-assed friends. Three of my best friends have died over the past 13 years. One had a rare disease, and the other two died from substance abuse.  The oldest friend whom I've known since junior high, has been a long distance friend for decades.  I'm just very lately reckoning with the fact that I have been carrying this friendship for close to a decade.  By this I mean, I am always the one initiating contact, making plans, sending birthday and holiday wishes, etc.  I was hopeful that this pattern would change after our most recent visit, this past August, but obviously, it's all me doing everything, or all crickets. We both share a passion for music, so for the last two years I have been arranging get togethers that included concerts.  Since August, I have stopped initiating, with this guy, and have not heard word one.  He knew my daughter was getting married, knew my wife and I were buying a new home, etc.  So, in my mind this guy really doesn't give a rat's so I'm done.

My other, so-called-friend is really into texting and email, and is sorta, kinda responsive to this form of communication, but again, never initiates with any invitations, or makes plans.  For years I was (once again) doing all the planning, arranging, inviting..etc.  Just to clarify, two of my three friends who died were very reciprocal.  I've just kind of  had it. 

[Batya33]

What have you done in the last 10 years to make new friends?  

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry @bungalo I can relate.  With certain past friends, relatives, extended relatives and in-laws,  I'm always initiating everything.  They're receptive but they always expect me to make the first move otherwise the relationship fades and drifts apart quickly.  Some people are like that because they grow too comfortable knowing you will always initiate contact, plans, birthday greetings, holiday wishes, invitations, arrangements,  etc.  They never reciprocate either and if they do, it's once in a decade or less if that.  They're taking advantage of your thoughts, efforts and labor and know you'll do all the work to maintain the friendship by keeping it afloat. 

If you can afford estrangement, then release the friendship passively.  The friendship will disappear just as they've proven that the friendship will disappear without your initiations.  If you can't afford estrangement and your paths cross, then continue doing what you've done with all the initiating because it's the only way to sustain the friendship. 

I'm exhausted from doing all the initiating so I let the friendship die on its own by doing nothing.  I become very passive because I'm tired!  Actions and non-actions speak louder than words.  Go your separate ways and chalk it up to the friendship as not meant to be.  

It's universal.  Not every friend was meant to be a keeper.  Friends will waft in and out of your life.  Some friends remain and other friends will disappear. 

Friends who don't put forth the effort to give you the same courtesy are selfish.  They only think of themselves and you're not that important to them.  They don't value you so do likewise.

Don't get hurt anymore.  Lower your expectations and if this dynamic is frustrating and unacceptable, then don't tolerate nor accept the friendship anymore.   It's ok to be fed up.  I am, too.

I'm sorry about your other friends who are no longer here.  Cherish and appreciate those memories of them.  You will meet great friends one day because only some people are flakes.

 

[bungalo]

Beautifully stated Cherylyn.  At this point I'm letting my oldest friendship-the long distance one die. With the other one, I've decided to stop initiating.  We see each other at a music venue we both play every week, but I can develop new friendships.  I'm tired too. It really helps that people like you understand, and have experienced similar.

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, bungalo said:

I've posted before on this topic. ( Me: 50+male with male friends in the same age range)  I am really sick of half-assed friends. Three of my best friends have died over the past 13 years. One had a rare disease, and the other two died from substance abuse.  The oldest friend whom I've known since junior high, has been a long distance friend for decades.  I'm just very lately reckoning with the fact that I have been carrying this friendship for close to a decade.  By this I mean, I am always the one initiating contact, making plans, sending birthday and holiday wishes, etc.  I was hopeful that this pattern would change after our most recent visit, this past August, but obviously, it's all me doing everything, or all crickets. We both share a passion for music, so for the last two years I have been arranging get togethers that included concerts.  Since August, I have stopped initiating, with this guy, and have not heard word one.  He knew my daughter was getting married, knew my wife and I were buying a new home, etc.  So, in my mind this guy really doesn't give a rat's so I'm done.

My other, so-called-friend is really into texting and email, and is sorta, kinda responsive to this form of communication, but again, never initiates with any invitations, or makes plans.  For years I was (once again) doing all the planning, arranging, inviting..etc.  Just to clarify, two of my three friends who died were very reciprocal.  I've just kind of  had it. 

I just wanted to point out that everyone's communication styles are different.

It's difficult to say exactly why a person isn't initiating, but it doesn't always mean they are not a good friend, or that they don't care.

1.) Do they have any personal issues going on right now? Perhaps you aren't aware of personal struggles.

2.)Are they not the best at communication and keep putting off getting back to you due to factors in their life and not actual lack of caring? Maybe they drag their feet at responding in general and not personal to just you.

3.)Have they become used to you always initiating and now that you've stopped, they assume you're unhappy with them and so they are staying away due to the fear that you are upset with them?

I know it's frustrating when you once had friends who were very good at keeping in contact, but don't always assume that lack of keeping in contact means it's personal, or lack of caring.

If you're not sure, the best way to nip it in the bud, is to ask. They are your friend, you should be able to talk to them and ask why.

No questions asked, no answers. Assumptions create more problems then I think anything else.

Best of luck.

[Cherylyn]

I liked @SherrySher's  answer.  If you ask your friends why you have to do all the initiating in order to sustain and maintain the friendship and if they give you unacceptable excuses, know that a lot of people are just lazy.  They don't want to do the footwork in order to cultivate and nurture friendships.  It's easier for you to do it instead! 

Everyone is very busy.  People have their own problems and stress.  I don't always buy into excuse after excuse especially if their non-initiating habits are very long term with nary any effort put forth on their part whatsoever.  It gets old real fast.

Also, some people are simply not good at initiating, remembering birthdays, giving gifts, reciprocating, acknowledging special events such as weddings or any occasion.  They don't have the consciousness to do it.  It's not part of their brain space and they don't have social graces.  Good manners are not part of their being. 

However, not everyone on this Earth is rude.  If you are patient, you will be with friends who give you common decency and common courtesy.  There are conscientious people in this world who are reminiscent of you.  Never give up!

[SherrySher]

29 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I liked @SherrySher's  answer.  If you ask your friends why you have to do all the initiating in order to sustain and maintain the friendship and if they give you unacceptable excuses, know that a lot of people are just lazy.  They don't want to do the footwork in order to cultivate and nurture friendships.  It's easier for you to do it instead! 

Everyone is very busy.  People have their own problems and stress.  I don't always buy into excuse after excuse especially if their non-initiating habits are very long term with nary any effort put forth on their part whatsoever.  It gets old real fast.

Also, some people are simply not good at initiating, remembering birthdays, giving gifts, reciprocating, acknowledging special events such as weddings or any occasion.  They don't have the consciousness to do it.  It's not part of their brain space and they don't have social graces.  Good manners are not part of their being. 

However, not everyone on this Earth is rude.  If you are patient, you will be with friends who give you common decency and common courtesy.  There are conscientious people in this world who are reminiscent of you.  Never give up!

I love my friends, very much. They mean the world to me. But I have been guilty many times over of getting caught up in my own life and not speaking to friends, weeks, even months at a time.

I don't do it on purpose.

I would be sad to think my friends thought I didn't care. But there are a multitude of reasons as to why someone is not initiating or keeping in contact, and not all are bad. 

On the flip side, I had this exact situation with a friend whom I have known for several years.

I was always initiating, I was the one suggesting get togethers, and so on.

I started feeling the same way, like everything was a one way street.

I decided not to assume, not to get upset, but to simply ask my friend.

They were very surprised, they had no idea I felt that strongly, or that I was questioning anything.

We had a good chat about it, and guess what? Our friendship has now become a two way street.

I'm not saying that it's the outcome every single time, but some people truly aren't aware of how important it is to you, or that there is any problem at all.

OP, unless you have voiced your concerns, and nothing changes, or unless your friend has let you know that it's not a priority for them, give it another chance.❤️

OP, don't close doors unless you know for sure there is no chance of the friendship you are happy with.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

I love my friends, very much. They mean the world to me. But I have been guilty many times over of getting caught up in my own life and not speaking to friends, weeks, even months at a time.

I don't do it on purpose.

I would be sad to think my friends thought I didn't care. But there are a multitude of reasons as to why someone is not initiating or keeping in contact, and not all are bad. 

On the flip side, I had this exact situation with a friend whom I have known for several years.

I was always initiating, I was the one suggesting get togethers, and so on.

I started feeling the same way, like everything was a one way street.

I decided not to assume, not to get upset, but to simply ask my friend.

They were very surprised, they had no idea I felt that strongly, or that I was questioning anything.

We had a good chat about it, and guess what? Our friendship has now become a two way street.

I'm not saying that it's the outcome every single time, but some people truly aren't aware of how important it is to you, or that there is any problem at all.

OP, unless you have voiced your concerns, and nothing changes, or unless your friend has let you know that it's not a priority for them, give it another chance.❤️

OP, don't close doors unless you know for sure there is no chance of the friendship you are happy with.

@SherrySherI agree about giving people a chance.  However, after giving them a chance to have mutual courtesy in order for the friendship to continue and if they don't cooperate, then the friendship becomes one sided and taxing to maintain which leads to burn out. 

I agree that some friends are clueless but after cluing them in and there are still no improvements, then either continue initiating or find friends who know how to be a friend who cares enough to put forth balanced and equal effort. 

[Batya33]

I think you have to be honest with yourself about your personal boundaries and what feels ok as far as initiating -and this might be different depending on the friend, what's going on with the friend, length of friendship, history.  For me personally I stop initiating if more than once the person promises to call/get in touch "tomorrow" or "next week" or something like that and doesn't.  I'll respond if/when as long as it wasn't where I was stood up for plans, etc -then it depends.

I have a friend -we were BFF in 5th grade, weren't in touch many years then back in touch in 2008 -and we were close again for about 7 years- but in the last couple of years she'll promise to text and then go months or longer (and then typically because there's an event, a birthay, etc) -the last time she contacted me was early October and she then apologized for dropping the ball weeks earlier.  We chatted briefly and she promised to text a few days later. Silence.  No I'm not going to bother reaching out. But if someone else felt comfortable reaching out I mean sure, cool.

I've seen a number of times those Facebook cut and paste posts -women post them - about all the apologies for not being in touch with good friends and/or giving friends a pass for dropping the ball again and again /please post if I did this to you, etc.  I mean -give me a break.  My older sister has been one of my closest friends for over 40 years- but we only talk every couple of weeks and she never really caught on to texting etiquette lol (she's 60s) so if you text her you might get a response or not (but she will if it's urgent like about our mom, etc). 

But -not just because she's family -we have this long history of closeness, reliability, love - so I will initiate without a thought because I trust that she cares whether or not she initiates.  And I care about her and always want to know that she's doing ok/feeling ok.  When we do speak it's fun, it's genuine, it's great.  It's individual.  

 

[tattoobunnie]

I see one of my best buds once a year who lives a few hours away.  I either go visit her, or vice versa.  I only chat with her to make plans for the visit.  Then, we have the best time.  I may not see or talk to her, but she's and I would help "bury" bodies and drop everything to help each other.  And, she is a best friend to me.

I think you just need to try to make local every day grab coffee or movie friends.  It's not easy as adults, but vary for each person, and you will have friends to chill with on the regular.  Lots of men my husband knows are the pits at making plans, but they love each other nonetheless, and have full-on texting all the time.

[Andrina]

Believe me, I've had my fair share of disappointments in friendships as well. That said, I know you're big into enjoying activities with buddies, and since you're into music, what I would do is start your own Meetup.com group if you can't find one that already exists. It'd be fun to arrange meet ups where you go to a local music store to hang out with other like-minded music lovers, with a plan to go to a nearby coffee shop to have more discussions about what everybody is into. Some book stores also have music sections, and some also have coffee shops.

You could also arrange meet ups for local concerts and appearances in bars by groups you like.

As in groups, there will always be some people you gel with and some you don't. You never know if new friendships will form with this activity. In the meantime, you can still be around people to have interesting discussions with.