My parents hate my girlfriend

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, ShadowProclamation said:

. Of course the downside is that it allows my parents a certain degree of control in the meantime. But this would not matter were it not for how they have chosen to behave. 

Yes, exactly. In an ideal world your parents would be different people and accept what you accept, but that's not the case. Keep in mind that you are "choosing to behave" as well by enjoying the comforts of extended financial support and living with your parents.

Unfortunately you're the only one who can facilitate change. Your parents are set in their ways and have all the leverage in this situation.

[Lambert]

On 12/12/2022 at 11:36 PM, ShadowProclamation said:

I love my parents, I had a happy childhood and I’m grateful for so much of what they have done for me, but I’m finding the way they are behaving really cruel and hurtful at the moment - deliberately hurting someone I love and trying to pressure or shame me into breaking up with her (it’s having the opposite effect because quite honestly I’m impressed she’s dealing with the way they have treated her so well - but she doesn’t deserve to have to put up with that). Any suggestions what I should do? 

Have you told your parents this? 

Are you able to discuss things with them? 

What is your reaction in the momen, when these things happen?

What is your parents' motivation to change? 

Maybe you're since you're living off their dime, you're not showing that you can make it on your own and therefore (in their minds) you are not able to make good decisions.

cut apron strings... live on your own or start working towards that goal. Be your own person. Stand up for your beliefs or injustices. I'm not saying you have to be a jerk about but take a stand.  Tell them,  hey mom and dad, this isn't cool.

 

[boltnrun]

Can you make efforts to move out on your own sooner than one full year from now?

Otherwise you'll be subjecting your girlfriend and yourself to twelve more months of this treatment.

My son's spouse is an immigrant who came here on a student visa, got a degree and now has a terrific professional job. I admire his spouse for what they have accomplished while having to learn a whole new language at the same time. I would never look down on someone who has done as well for herself as your girlfriend has. It's a shame your parents can't appreciate what she's done for herself.

[mylolita]

Evening Shadow!

Parents will be parents. They sometimes have a very funny way of pushing their version of what they think is "the best for you".

I think once someone is 18, parents have to step aside. You're a fully grown man. It's complicated because you still live with them and their rules still hang heavy overhead. 

I personally don't care what type of job someone had or if they had degrees or how much money. I care about what's in here *taps head* and what's in here *taps heart*. 

I have three children, my eldest is a boy. I just hope for all of them health and happiness. I don't ask they meet someone who's running companies or an academic. It's nice to think your children can have financial stability, but on the whole, as a parent looking at a future boyfriend or girlfriend, I'm looking to see if they are kind, nice, and well matched with my daughters or son. I want to know they are happy and in love and being treat well. The rest is just cherry on the top stuff, and nothing to do with my personal criteria as a parent. 

My Dad never approved of my husband. I was 18 when I met him, he was my first boyfriend and he was 28. It was my fault, I was at his late and I never returned my Dad's calls. My husband walked me home and my Dad was there waiting for him with his sleeves rolled up and his jacket off ready to plant him one. My husband threw his jacket off and said you don't have your facts right her not contacting you has nothing to do with me! I told her to call you!

We've been married 9 years, lived together for 15. I don't know whether they ever fully warmed to him, no joke. So I would be prepared to the possibility they may never come round, even after marriage bells!

But, it's your life, and we all go our own way. I went my own way quite young. Some people strike out on their own in their 20s or even 30s now. But you're going to be living your life, not them. And as much as you thank them for everything they have done, parents must learn that, they have no control anymore and respectfully need to step aside.

All the best,

x

[dias]

7 minutes ago, mylolita said:

 what's in here *taps head* and what's in here *taps heart*. 

and what's in there *taps somewhere*

[mylolita]

2 minutes ago, dias said:

and what's in there *taps somewhere*

LOL!

Where? 🤣

 

Hey, I thought you were off at a body building competition on jumping from building to building somewhere in France?! Back on here just to make below the belt comments Dias, literally! HA! 

You blew my emotional symphony! How very dare you! I could hear the Brave Heart music! 

x

[ShadowProclamation]

5 hours ago, Lambert said:

Maybe you're since you're living off their dime, you're not showing that you can make it on your own and therefore (in their minds) you are not able to make good decisions.

cut apron strings... live on your own or start working towards that goal.

You could be right but I do want to point out that as I've said several times in this forum I am definitely working towards that goal and have a clear timetable for achieving it. Nothing can really go wrong with that, I won't be living with my parents this time next year. And it's not like I'm mooching off their charity anyway, I'm literally paying them rent. 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Can you make efforts to move out on your own sooner than one full year from now?

Otherwise you'll be subjecting your girlfriend and yourself to twelve more months of this treatment.

My son's spouse is an immigrant who came here on a student visa, got a degree and now has a terrific professional job. I admire his spouse for what they have accomplished while having to learn a whole new language at the same time. I would never look down on someone who has done as well for herself as your girlfriend has. It's a shame your parents can't appreciate what she's done for herself.

Thank you for your eloquent comments. I completely agree. Considering what my girlfriend has had to deal with, the fact that at 23 she's got a stable job, pays her bills and faces up to a lot of other responsibilities she has is a testament to how capable and level headed she is, and I wish my parents could see that, but I suppose they will see what they want to see. A lot of my close friends are quite upper-class and they all think she's amazing. 

As for moving out earlier, I could, but it would be harder to get the money for the location I really want to live. My girlfriend and I could do it together if we combined what we've saved. But then she'd be leaving her flatshare earlier than she's said and she can't really do that because it wouldn't be fair on others. 

34 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Parents will be parents. They sometimes have a very funny way of pushing their version of what they think is "the best for you".
...

I don't ask they meet someone who's running companies or an academic. It's nice to think your children can have financial stability, but on the whole, as a parent looking at a future boyfriend or girlfriend, I'm looking to see if they are kind, nice, and well matched with my daughters or son. 

...
But, it's your life, and we all go our own way. I went my own way quite young. Some people strike out on their own in their 20s or even 30s now. But you're going to be living your life, not them. And as much as you thank them for everything they have done, parents must learn that, they have no control anymore and respectfully need to step aside.

I think so too. Thank you for your kindness and for sharing some of your own experiences. I suppose it's just a part of growing up and that they need to let go a bit. It just frustrates me because there is absolutely no reason this needs to drive a wedge between anyone at all. I do think, in her own way, my mum is trying to be protective, but I think in practice she's just being cruel. I'd understand it if there were anything to protect me from, but there just isn't. It's as if because my girlfriend doesn't have a university education the assumption is that she is unsuccessful / makes bad decisions / is only in it for the money. Whereas the reality is none of these things are true, and everyone else can recognise her for someone who's got their life together really well.  

[ShadowProclamation]

24 minutes ago, dias said:

and what's in there *taps somewhere*

This made me laugh a lot so thank you 😂

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, ShadowProclamation said:

You could be right but I do want to point out that as I've said several times in this forum I am definitely working towards that goal and have a clear timetable for achieving it. Nothing can really go wrong with that, I won't be living with my parents this time next year. And it's not like I'm mooching off their charity anyway, I'm literally paying them

Good for you. Moving out is what's best. 

I hope you don't lose your gf by then. seriously. 

At a similar age, I had a bf and his grandmother hated me for no reason. it wasn't the reason we broke up but, it was a big red flag I ignored and I should not have. 

I think its common for us all to want to be treated respectfully. Really, who do your parents think they are. what's so great about them. 

As much as status or whatever rules so many people... IMO the only thing that matters is kindness and integrity. If you can't stick up for her, why do you want to be with her? 

So she can be harassed or whatever? 

If your parents approval matters, that does imply they are important to you.  You have a good relationship? Shouldn't you, as a good and kind son be able to talk to them and make them understand, if they hurt her and they do, it hurts you, too.

Set boundaries with people. You tell them how you feel. Ask them to stop. You have a stake in this matter.

[ShadowProclamation]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Good for you. Moving out is what's best. 

Well, yes, and it has always been my plan, even if this hadn’t all happened. I could do it faster than a few months from now if I absolutely had to, I am earning money and could make it work. It just makes more financial sense and seems more sensible generally to wait till next year because then I’ll be earning a very comfortable salary and my girlfriend will be able to leave her flat share and we can move in together, which is something we’ve already spoken about and agreed over. 

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I hope you don't lose your gf by then. seriously. 

At a similar age, I had a bf and his grandmother hated me for no reason. it wasn't the reason we broke up but, it was a big red flag I ignored and I should not have. 

I am sorry you had to go through that. I won’t lose her though, I promise. I don’t believe for a second she would give up on what we have for something which I’ve already talked to her about and made it clear how absolutely I’m on her side. We have a perfect relationship and we have been best friends and basically in love with each other for years, even when we were dating other people and just friends it was obvious to our other friends we were kind of in love. I will not let us lose that. 

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

If your parents approval matters, that does imply they are important to you.  You have a good relationship? Shouldn't you, as a good and kind son be able to talk to them and make them understand, if they hurt her and they do, it hurts you, too.

Set boundaries with people. You tell them how you feel. Ask them to stop. You have a stake in this matter.

Re. Your comments about standing up for myself, I feel like I have somehow given the impression I’ve been a complete wallflower, which is not true. As I have said above, I have tried to stand up to my parents about this several times now, directly confronting them and saying that I thought they have been rude. This may sound pathetic to you but for someone as generally conflict averse as me that was quite difficult. I just wish it had really gone anywhere. 

The fact that we have had a good relationship other than this honestly just makes it tougher. We have never really quarrelled about much before and I have tried to explain how hurtful it’s been and got nowhere. But as you say it is important to put my foot down given that what’s at stake is my relationship with someone I love.

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I think its common for us all to want to be treated respectfully. Really, who do your parents think they are. what's so great about them. 

As much as status or whatever rules so many people... IMO the only thing that matters is kindness and integrity. If you can't stick up for her, why do you want to be with her? 

You are preaching to the choir there. Believe me I am deeply frustrated with the pointless snobbery towards someone who deserves the absolute opposite. I don’t want to sound ungrateful to my parents because they have given me a lot but on this I 100% agree with what you have said. 
 

I want to be with her because I love her, and I think I have done what I can, probably in a very imperfect way, to protect her from their low level harassment - as I say they have not seen her for weeks since the dinner where they behaved so rudely, so at the moment they have no way of hurting her and are reduced to making disparaging comments about her to me, which I have made it clear I find really hurtful. It’s what to do next that I’m unsure of. As you say, since I have a good relationship with them one would have hoped that I could easily persuade them that they are hurting me and that they need to give the woman I love a chance. And yet I meet a brick wall. 

 

[Lambert]

10 hours ago, ShadowProclamation said:

And yet I meet a brick wall

I'm sorry.  It does suck, but I guess you have to up the anty so to speak. 

In addition to keeping your gf away, start pulling back your time. Next time mom says something about her that's rude, leave their company. 

I did this once with my own mother (who I adore and never want to hurt.)

I lived on my own by this time, but she was disappointed I didn't go to church. When I came to her house, she tried to guilt me about it. And so I didn't respond to her comments. I just announced that I would see her another time and left. 

After that, things changed.  I can't say what the revelation was to her, but that was the last time she tried that. 

I live for me and not only do I not answer to anyone, I'm not a child and I can do what I want and no one is going to make me feel bad about my choices. That's the bottom line.

You can express yourself and your boundaries without a big confrontation. People start catching on when you stop tolerating poor behavior.