My parents hate my girlfriend

[ShadowProclamation]

My girlfriend and I are both 23, we have been dating for six months or so now but we have been close friends for a lot longer than that. We have a huge amount in common, and our relationship is really strong, she’s the kindest and best friend I’ve ever had, I find her beautiful and inspiring, we never have serious arguments and we also have a lot of the same personal beliefs and values. We both see this as a serious long term relationship and we’re on the same page about marriage and having kids somewhere down the line. 
 

Given this, I’m finding my parents’ attitude to her incredibly disrespectful and frustrating. I can’t figure out why they choose to be like this especially seeing that she has been so polite and gracious towards them and has tried so hard to impress them. But frankly they treat her like dirt, especially my mother, and I’m finding it really hard to deal with. 
 

The best I can figure is some combination of classism and the idea that she is ‘not good enough’ for me or is somehow a gold-digger (completely untrue, there has never been a suggestion of her asking for money from me and she has always insisted on paying her share of things even though I have a lot more spare cash than her at the moment). I come from a comfortably middle class family and have had a good education and a lot of personal advantages whereas my girlfriend grew up in a poor and dysfunctional home, had to spend some years in the foster care system, and never had the opportunity to go to university. None of this bothers me, she has a stable job, is well thought-of by colleagues at work, pays her bills on time and is taking courses towards a future career path. Also as I say we have a great deal in common despite coming from different backgrounds. Although I get that my parents want to look out for me, I’d have hoped that meeting her and seeing how kind and intelligent she is and how compatible we are would have made it clear they don’t need to protect me. Besides, it doesn’t excuse some of the nastier things they have done and said. 
 

Basically they find every excuse to be snobbish and disrespectful about her towards me, and fixate on classist things in order to make out she is unworthy of me - for example, playing up her slight regional accent and making out it’s much stronger than it is. When they found out she smokes, I wouldn’t hear the end of it for weeks. When they found out she has a couple of (small and easily-hidden) tattoos, again I wouldn’t hear the end of it. It’s mainly my mum that this is coming from, but my dad isn’t challenging any of it. As for when they speak to her, they are frequently quite condescending and patronising, and act like she’s beneath them. A few weeks ago they invited her to dinner with us in a restaurant only to spend the whole evening obviously making her feel uncomfortable and out of place by being deliberately elitist. Even though she was trying really hard to make intelligent conversation with them the effort just got spat back at her. She ended up crying about it to me afterwards because she felt like it was somehow her fault, and I honestly find this pretty tough to forgive from my parents. 
 

I love my parents, I had a happy childhood and I’m grateful for so much of what they have done for me, but I’m finding the way they are behaving really cruel and hurtful at the moment - deliberately hurting someone I love and trying to pressure or shame me into breaking up with her (it’s having the opposite effect because quite honestly I’m impressed she’s dealing with the way they have treated her so well - but she doesn’t deserve to have to put up with that). Any suggestions what I should do? 

[MissCanuck]

What is your reaction when they start picking on her? 

[1a1a]

Can you call something out in the moment?

 

you could say ‘wow! That’s a really strange and kind of rude thing to say, why would you say that?”

 

or just ‘wow’ and let it hang there.

 

discontinue the conversation, make it awkward.

 

edits to add, maybe don’t make her spend any more time with people that are mean to her. You can deploy your surprised reaction scripts in her absence.

[SooSad33]

Is this your first gf?

In ways, I can see your mom being a little over protective, as some are, but fps, they wouldn't or shouldn't belittle the poor girl like this 😕 .

I've had my own opinion on my own kids gf's but never went at them like this!  If I had an issue with something they did, I'd admit so.  But never make them feel like crap.

How about you sit & have a decent talk with them and explain that they should not be this way with her.  She has done nothing wrong, nor deserving of their behaviour towards her.  

Is totally unfair on both of you. 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

You'll have to choose sides.  Either defend your girlfriend to your parents or if you choose to side with your parents, you'll alienate your girlfriend.  You can't have it both ways since your parents are adamantly against approving and accepting your girlfriend. 

Not that smoking will sway your decision to remain with your girlfriend and ultimately have a future together including marriage and children, however, keep in mind smoking will lead to her debilitating health someday sooner or later.  Poor health due to smoking will take a toll on both of you and your family with her. 

My mother didn't smoke, however, my late father did.  In the beginning, when he was young, smoking didn't affect him but fast forward later and his lungs turned black according to the coroner / medical examiner.  Smoking contributed to his premature heart attack (myocardial infarction).  A spouse's poor health impacts the marriage, parenthood and entire household. 

Just be prepared because smoking catches up with one's health and / or demise eventually. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, ShadowProclamation said:

I’m finding the way they are behaving really cruel and hurtful at the moment - deliberately hurting someone I love and trying to pressure or shame me into breaking up with her (it’s having the opposite effect because quite honestly I’m impressed she’s dealing with the way they have treated her so well - but she doesn’t deserve to have to put up with that). Any suggestions what I should do? 

I would tell them this, starting with how much you love them, yet you feel disappointed and disrespected, and most importantly, that you view the cruelty toward GF as disingenuous because it's having the opposite impact on your feelings for her. You respect her more for having weathered such rudeness with dignity, even while you feel less inclined to trust the judgment of one who would treat another person that way.

I'd warn mama that she may not have considered the Romeo and Juliet effect, and she may want to research the term, because she's creating it.

How dependent are you on your parents? Do you live with them, and if so, can you move out?

[DarkCh0c0]

Do you ever defend her or do you behave like your father and just roll with it? Cause that's the bigger part of the problem. Do you stand up for her?

You need to have a private adult conversation with your parents. You tell them what you wrote here and how you feel disappointed by their horrible attitude. Tell them that you value your gf and if they value you too, then you they need to get their act together.

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

How dependent are you on your parents? Do you live with them, and if so, can you move out?

I'm curious to know too.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ShadowProclamation said:

 When they found out she smokes, I wouldn’t hear the end of it for weeks. When they found out she has a couple of (small and easily-hidden) tattoos, again I wouldn’t hear the end of it. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live at home? If not you need to move out. It sounds like you are oversharing your dating life with your mother. Telling your mother too much and trying to sell GF to your parents convincing them of whatever.

That's not your job. If your mother won't cut the apron strings, then you need to. Your mother is not going to change. 

Stop defending her to your mother. Your mother has her prejudices and opinions and your GF is becoming more of a symbol of a power struggle between you and your mother and rebellion. It's unclear why you need their approval anyway.

Actions speak louder than words. Become financially independent, get a good job and your own place. Then your mother's opinions about the women you date is irrelevant.

 

[ShadowProclamation]

Thank you everyone for your intelligent comments. I am going to try to answer everyone's questions. 

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Not that smoking will sway your decision to remain with your girlfriend and ultimately have a future together including marriage and children, however, keep in mind smoking will lead to her debilitating health someday sooner or later.  Poor health due to smoking will take a toll on both of you and your family with her. 

First, yes I know this, she is trying to quit and has had some success at that, I have never considered this a deal-breaker because I know that she cares about her health and cares how it affects me and I have faith that she will deal with this. Not going to say any more about it. 

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What is your reaction when they start picking on her? 

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Do you ever defend her or do you behave like your father and just roll with it? Cause that's the bigger part of the problem. Do you stand up for her?

You need to have a private adult conversation with your parents. You tell them what you wrote here and how you feel disappointed by their horrible attitude.

That's a good question. The first couple of times it happened I did ignore it but now I defend her every time, I've already tried having a private conversation with my parents about it but it hasn't gone anywhere useful. At the moment what I'm doing is that when they start making demeaning or unpleasant comments about her I'll just say 'I wish you wouldn't be so rude' and end the conversation. And I've not brought my girlfriend round to see them since they were so cruel when they invited her to dinner. I don't think it's fair to put her in a position where people are going to treat her disrespectfully. 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you need their approval anyway.

I don't need their approval, I just love my parents but I hate that they have chosen to be cruel in a way that's driving me apart from them. Ultimately it's their choice, I guess. 

7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Is this your first gf?

In ways, I can see your mom being a little over protective, as some are, but fps, they wouldn't or shouldn't belittle the poor girl like this 😕 .

No, she's not my first girlfriend, she's my third. But I've not had a relationship that's lasted this long or become this serious before. My parents have met both my previous girlfriends and didn't behave like this to them, even though we were much less well suited and they didn't try anything like as hard to impress them. 

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How dependent are you on your parents? Do you live with them, and if so, can you move out?

I live with my parents at the moment because I am enrolled on a graduate training scheme and I can easily commute to the office from my parents' house, so it made sense financially not to move out just yet. By this time next year I should be earning a pretty good salary. My girlfriend is currently living in a flatshare with her sister and with her best friend from school. She and I have definitely talked about getting our own place but that may have to wait till the new year. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, ShadowProclamation said:

I live with my parents at the moment because I am enrolled on a graduate training . My girlfriend is currently living in a flatshare with her sister and with her best friend from school.

Sadly it doesn't seem like your relationship will last while you enjoy your parents financial support and she struggles. In fact her financial independence and struggling to make ends meet commands some respect. Eventually you'll have to cut the apron strings and make your own choices about who you date and their habits, without your parents approval.

[ShadowProclamation]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly it doesn't seem like your relationship will last while you enjoy your parents financial support and she struggles. In fact her financial independence and struggling to make ends meet commands some respect. Eventually you'll have to cut the apron strings and make your own choices about who you date and their habits, without your parents approval.

Oh I promise our relationship will last, but I disagree with your implication that I'm relying on them too much, I feel like it's pretty normal to carry on living with parents for a year or so while you're getting things sorted with your career. As I say, a year from now I will be earning a very good starting salary and completely financially independent, it's not as if I have no plans to achieve this. Of course the downside is that it allows my parents a certain degree of control in the meantime. But this would not matter were it not for how they have chosen to behave. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I get where you're at.

For now, you have to limit how often your gf is around your parents. Try not to meet often at your parent's place as they're toxic and they will be encouraged to disrespect her more. If they try to be nasty, stand up to her and let them know that the least they can do is be courteous in their own house with the people you love.

Edit: don't be too conflict avoidant. It's normal as an adult to clash with your parents. It's sometimes part of becoming your own person. It's okay if they get upset when you stand up to yourself and your gf. They owe you both respect (and a lot of apologies...)

[ShadowProclamation]

9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I get where you're at.

For now, you have to limit how often your gf is around your parents. Try not to meet often at your parent's place as they're toxic and they will be encouraged to disrespect her more. If they try to be nasty, stand up to her and let them know that the least they can do is be courteous in their own house with the people you love.

Edit: don't be too conflict avoidant. It's normal as an adult to clash with your parents. It's sometimes part of becoming your own person. It's okay if they get upset when you stand up to yourself and your gf. They owe you both respect (and a lot of apologies...)

Thank you very much. I think this is the best I can do for now; your first paragraph is more or less the approach we are taking at the moment, we always meet at her place nowadays. I think you're right about the second point, I do tend to be too conflict avoidant. I think I'm a fairly agreeable person who doesn't like to create drama especially in a situation like this where I cannot understand why they just can't get on with her. But they absolutely owe me an apology, and much more than that they owe her an apology. She's done everything right and got hurtful comments in return and I'm tired of it. 

[Batya33]

It's totally normal for you to live at home in your situation -I did the same during grad school in my 20s.  I like Darkchoc's advice a lot.  I'm really sorry this is happening!

[smackie9]

Just talk to your parents. 

[ShadowProclamation]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Just talk to your parents. 

As I have mentioned above, I have tried this but I don't seem to get anywhere. The closest I got was a vague promise from my mother that she would be respectful, followed by absolutely no change in her behaviour at all. And this was after I really put my foot down and told her I was completely fed up and wanted an explanation. Do you perhaps have some more specific suggestions as to what I should say?

[SooSad33]

Did you specifically ask your parents why they're acting this way to her? ( other than some odd 'promise' of respect - which she has not changed...

You said this is your 3rd gf.  But they're acting out only with her?

 

8 hours ago, ShadowProclamation said:

Oh I promise our relationship will last

Are you totally sure?  What if this behaviour upon your gf sets her off, to the point she starts withdrawing, not wanting to go there etc so much, or anymore?  😕 .  To be 'hated' is awful! So, I'm sure this will, in time cause an effect...

 

 

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, ShadowProclamation said:

As I have mentioned above, I have tried this but I don't seem to get anywhere. The closest I got was a vague promise from my mother that she would be respectful, followed by absolutely no change in her behaviour at all. And this was after I really put my foot down and told her I was completely fed up and wanted an explanation. Do you perhaps have some more specific suggestions as to what I should say?

Ya you should tell then you know why, because she came from the other side of the tracks...and they are being narrow minded and pompous, because they have money. Maybe if they just open their eyes and stop being so judgey, and assume the worst in anyone that doesn't come from money, that they would see she is nothing what they are assuming she is.  Not everyone from her background is a shady shyster looking to take advantage. They need to grow up and behave like adults because their attitude/behavior is so childish. 

Now that's really putting your foot down. 

[ShadowProclamation]

11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Are you totally sure?  What if this behaviour upon your gf sets her off, to the point she starts withdrawing, not wanting to go there etc so much, or anymore?  😕 .  To be 'hated' is awful! So, I'm sure this will, in time cause an effect...

Yes, I'm as sure as can be. We have been very close friends for a long time and our loyalty is not shaken that easily. Besides, since the last time my parents tried to humiliate her (when they invited her to dinner a few weeks ago), she hasn't seen my parents at all - we tend to just meet at her place instead - so she hasn't been subjected to any of their behaviour since then. And unless my parents' attitude changes I'm not going to put her in that situation again. After that evening I made it very clear to my gf that I'm really angry about the way they behaved and that I'm completely on her side. I've done all I can do with this, and I know that we love each other, I trust her 100% not to make things worse. 

16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Did you specifically ask your parents why they're acting this way to her? ( other than some odd 'promise' of respect - which she has not changed...

You said this is your 3rd gf.  But they're acting out only with her?

I did ask them this, and got evasive answers. The best my mum could come up with was 'I don't think she's good enough for you' with no elaboration. 

I met both my previous girlfriends at university and both were from wealthy families. That's all I can really think of, because she's done a lot to try and inspire their confidence, more than either of my exes did. 

[Andrina]

There are books out there about establishing boundaries with people. Please read one or two for helpful hints.

People need to deeply feel the consequences of their actions, not just get tongue lashings.

I'm sure your parents value your company, so your company will have to be removed whenever they cross boundaries and talk about her negatively behind her back, or to her face. You immediately hang up the phone, or leave the room, or leave the restaurant--whatever the case may be.

You tell them that you love them but their opinion is irrelevant to you when it comes to choosing YOUR lifetime partner. And give them a wake-up call that if you two marry and have children, that you want your parents to be a part of their grandchildren's life, but that might not happen as often as they'd like when they can't treat their future grandchildren's mother with respect.

Just because they are blood, and you're their child, doesn't give them the right to treat you and your partner anyway they choose. They don't have a free pass, and you as a people pleaser have probably made this easier for them to get away with.

The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. Read those books and use the skills you learn from them. You might not get results overnight, but keep on showing them you have a spine and you're an adult now who doesn't put up with BS. Good luck.

[ShadowProclamation]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ya you should tell then you know why, because she came from the other side of the tracks...and they are being narrow minded and pompous, because they have money. Maybe if they just open their eyes and stop being so judgey, and assume the worst in anyone that doesn't come from money, that they would see she is nothing what they are assuming she is.  Not everyone from her background is a shady shyster looking to take advantage. They need to grow up and behave like adults because their attitude/behavior is so childish. 

Now that's really putting your foot down. 

Honestly, I feel like this expresses their attitude perfectly. My mum has more or less said as much - that she thinks my gf is 'beneath me'. It's extra frustrating because my mum actually came from a poor background herself and had to work her way up from nothing. But now that she is established middle-class she seems not to appreciate that anyone else could be trying to do the same. 

I just wish they would be happy for me that I've found someone who I love and who obviously really cares about me, rather than trying to manufacture red flags where there aren't any. I'm going to use some of what you've written here verbatim when I next talk to them about this. 

[ShadowProclamation]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You tell them that you love them but their opinion is irrelevant to you when it comes to choosing YOUR lifetime partner. And give them a wake-up call that if you two marry and have children, that you want your parents to be a part of their grandchildren's life, but that might not happen as often as they'd like when they can't treat their future grandchildren's mother with respect.

This is a great answer, thank you so much for your help. As you say, there is a real question as to how much of my life they can share a part in if they continue deliberately to mistreat someone who I really want to be a big part of my life going forward. They would miss out on a lot that way, and it'd be a situation of their own making. And this also has the benefit of being a really sincere way of talking to them - I want them to be a part of my life and to share in things going forward, and the fact that they are choosing to make that impossible for no good reason is part of what's so hurtful. 

[Cherylyn]

Good news about your girlfriend making the effort to quit smoking.

There are people in my life whom I'm not compatible with such as some relatives and in-laws.  I've since exhausted all avenues and what has been successful for me is separate relationships with them.  We do not have mutual people in our lives.  They don't cross paths with each other.  This is exactly what enforcing healthy boundaries are.  You interact with different people but you don't lump them together whether it's because they're incompatible or if you are incompatible with certain people. 

You can spend a lifetime trying to figure out why people mistreat you, your girlfriend, others or whomever.  They have their reasons such as distrusting a person's character no matter how good that person is.  No amount of convincing, lectures, discussions or interaction will change their perception of the person whom they dislike.  The best thing to do is work around difficult dynamics by no longer trying to make it work cohesively. 

Have a relationship with your parents despite disagreeing with them.  Defending your girlfriend will only fall on their deaf ears.  Your girlfriend doesn't want to be with your parents because she knows she's unwelcome in their hearts.  Therefore, be with your parents without your girlfriend's presence.  During other times, be with your girlfriend without your parents in her presence.  Do what works even though it's not ideal nor optimal. 

I'm hurt, too.  However, it's better to be happy and peaceful than "right."  People are set in their ways mentally so you have to work with what you've got. 

Sharing info with your parents is at your own risk.  Know that it's a source of contention.  I've learned to keep uncomfortable dynamics generic because it keeps the peace.  Generic meaning, I deliberately do not broach subjects which risk escalating into a heated argument.  There are times when you have to exercise discretion by thinking about the result and consequences beforehand.  If you know certain topics will ignite judgements, fury or both, then be smart and don't provoke and incite in the first place.  In other words, learn to adapt to complicated relationships.  Either learn to adapt or there's estrangement.  It's your choice.

[ShadowProclamation]

19 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Have a relationship with your parents despite disagreeing with them.  Defending your girlfriend will only fall on their deaf ears.  Your girlfriend doesn't want to be with your parents because she knows she's unwelcome in their hearts.  Therefore, be with your parents without your girlfriend's presence.  During other times, be with your girlfriend without your parents in her presence.  Do what works even though it's not ideal nor optimal. 

Thank you for speaking so thoughtfully and giving the benefit of your experience. Yes, I think I probably have to recognise that the world is not perfect and situations can't always be what I'd want them to be. I don't intend to stop having a relationship with my parents over this, not at all, but equally I cannot let them dictate to me who I am allowed to love and I cannot let them carry on hurting that person. So I might have to live with compromise. It hurts, as you say, but I'm sure people have had situations far harder than this to manage. I still want to let them know what I think of how they have treated her, though. But more to be clear that I'm hurt, rather than in the expectation of an apology. Just wish they could get on with her, things would be so perfect if they could 😢

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, ShadowProclamation said:

Thank you for speaking so thoughtfully and giving the benefit of your experience. Yes, I think I probably have to recognise that the world is not perfect and situations can't always be what I'd want them to be. I don't intend to stop having a relationship with my parents over this, not at all, but equally I cannot let them dictate to me who I am allowed to love and I cannot let them carry on hurting that person. So I might have to live with compromise. It hurts, as you say, but I'm sure people have had situations far harder than this to manage. I still want to let them know what I think of how they have treated her, though. But more to be clear that I'm hurt, rather than in the expectation of an apology. Just wish they could get on with her, things would be so perfect if they could 😢

In a perfect world or fairy tales, everyone is compatible.  Unfortunately, you have to do whatever it takes for everyone to remain peaceful.  It's not the best scenario.  However, it's better than fighting. 

Of course your parents can't dictate whom you're in a relationship with.  Since you know your parents won't change, you have to change dynamics.  Often times, separate relationships while not ideal, at least keeps the peace.  Peace is always your goal.  Separate relationships is your compromise. 

You can tell your parents what you think and how they've mistreated her but be prepared to be endlessly defensive.  I get so tired having to explain to complex personalities until I'm blue in the face.  I'm sorry you're hurt.  I don't do that anymore.  

I've also learned that apologies are not always forthcoming.  The majority of time, it's denials and apologies will never be forthcoming in a million years.  Save that for the movies.

Yes, things would be perfect if your parents can accept her but since you can't change how they think, you're the one who has to change dynamics and how you navigate it.  You can't control others.  However, you can always control yourself and the trajectory of the relationship or relationships.  I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way!