How can I deal with this relationship?

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I wouldn't necessarily recommend that. A lot of pastors are corrupt or will tell each couple to stick it out the longest to sort of prove they (the pastors) can do a good job in the community.

OP just needs to trust and believe in herself when making this decision.

I didn't recommend she talk to her pastor with her boyfriend present or even about her current boyfriend.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this turmoil.

I have several people in my life who are experiencing what you're going through.  My sister and cousin both married very manipulative men and these women are beyond miserable because of their poor choices in a spouse.  Just as you had described, my brother-in-law (BIL and cousin's husband are extremely possessive and controlling.  BIL chases everyone away should they engage in a conversation with my sister.  He'll endlessly interrupt my sister whether in person or if she's on the phone.  She can never engage in a verbal dialogue without her husband interrupting her ad nauseum.  Also, BIL will say something obnoxiously rude to whomever my sister is conversing with and no one is spared.  He's sick. 

My cousin's husband harasses all of my cousin's friends and family.  He's untoward women in particular.  My cousin's husband pulled the back of my bra strap years ago and did something similar to my cousin's mother, stepmother, friends, neighbor and her husband's niece.  He too is very sick.

You can never change a man.  (A leopard cannot change its spots.)  They are who they are.  You either accept a man how he is defects and all or if you have a chance to exit this abnormal relationship, run for the hills while you can and at your earliest opportunity! 🏃‍♀️

I would say this type of controlling behavior is indeed jealousy and extreme insecurity indeed.

Having a difficult conversation with your boyfriend will never change.  Google "gaslighting" because it sounds like you're gaslit.  Gaslighting is deflecting whatever subject you are addressing, changing the subject, forcing you to perceive that there is something mentally wrong with YOU and not him.  It's the oldest, nastiest, trickiest psychological warfare there is.  Never fall for this classic trap.  I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away.  I've been gaslit all my life and never be fooled nor tricked by a gaslighter.  They're masters at gaslighting.

Your boyfriend does not act like a Christian.  The definition of being a Christian is to practice Christ like behavior.  Your boyfriend does not.  Christians and other denominations (and non-religious types) practice ethical and moral tenets such as treating each other with common sense respect and consideration, practicing empathy, common courtesy and common decency. 

Your boyfriend is a liar.  Once a liar, always a liar.  When caught, he'll only cover his tracks better in the future.  Beware.  You can never look at him the same way anymore.  You can never trust him and when there is zero trust, the relationship is dead in the water.

He's deceitful.  He's playing you for a fool.  You should be scared because this fear in you is forewarning you to dissolve and exit this sham of a relationship before you waste anymore time, energy and resources on him.  Your boyfriend is not worth it.  He's just wasting your time.

Your boyfriend is indeed a "mama's boy" and has yet to cut the umbilical cord and his mother's apron strings.  He's coddled and spoiled rotten.  He's extremely selfish and expects you to learn to adapt to him.  Either make him happy by biting your tongue and looking the other way,  keep your mouth shut or get out.   Yes, his mother and siblings have top priority over you.  You are just a flea on his shoulder.  He doesn't respect nor care about you.  You're insignificant to him.  You are unimportant.  He'll never be empathetic because all he thinks about is himself.   He sounds narcissistic.

So what if both families are in one accord and truly mesh?  So what if his family loves you?  So what if your family loves him?  Your boyfriend doesn't treat you with love and respect.  Focus on how you are mistreated at every turn by HIM.  Families don't matter if your relationship with your boyfriend is down the drain.

Should you choose to marry him, your life will be ruined.  Read the writing on the wall.  Never settle for him because he's not a man.  A real man is a very moral man.  Your boyfriend fails miserably on all counts.  Your boyfriend will give you a lifetime of misery.  Use your intelligence.  Think smart.  Don't be with your boyfriend because he's a bad apple.

Let him leave you.  When he leaves you, he'll be doing you a tremendous favor.  Feel relieved for him to leave you.  He's a loser.  He's full of ________. 

I'm glad he confirmed that you two were no longer together.  He needs to be dumped immediately! 

Don't marry the jerk! Yes, you should be worried!  You're setting yourself up for chaotic disaster should you remain with him and do NOT marry him!  No, his behaviors will NOT change.  Chances are 100% certain that he will continue acting like a jerk towards you.  End your worrying by getting rid of him.  Then you will feel relieved.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

17 hours ago, KShaun said:

Well if I don't marry him, I don't think I will have any interest in any future relationship with anyone else.

Try not to indulge in catastrophic thinking too much. Not only does it limit you, but it also gives you an excuse to stick with someoene who does not love you. 

You have no idea what wonderful opportunities lie ahead when you heal from this bad relationship. But you do know that you cannot and should not trust this guy with your heart. 

On 12/4/2022 at 1:53 AM, KShaun said:

There are many looking forward to us making that big step.

I would bet they don't know he also secretly talks to other women while being possessive and controlling of you, do they? Something tells me these people don't know what your relationship is really like, because if they did, they would tell you to run. 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, if someone leaves me, there’s no coming back from that, no matter what. Because I won’t choose a life of misery waiting for the next time.

And in your case, he couldn’t have left me because I would have been long gone already given how he behaves.

We never get any wasted time back to relive over again.

 I would dump him.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Speaking only for myself, if someone leaves me, there’s no coming back from that, no matter what. Because I won’t choose a life of misery waiting for the next time.

And in your case, he couldn’t have left me because I would have been long gone already given how he behaves.

We never get any wasted time back to relive over again.

 I would dump him.

For me it depends why, how much time has passed and what has changed.  I'm celebrating our wedding anniversary this week.  I left first, he left second (when I wanted to get back together a month later -nope) and over 7 years later when we'd both changed a lot and I was the right person to find the right person we got back together. But I never told him I wanted to date others to "test" my love for him. 

That happened to a friend of mine -she cancelled the wedding about two months in advance of the wedding and asked for 6 months to make up her mind.  She'd seemingly been over the moon about him prior to this and it was a reasonably long relationship - at least 2 plus years - he said NO because he wasn't going to wait around for her to (ostensibly) date others and make up her mind.  Even for 6 months.  He met his future wife less than 2 years later and they've been married over 20 years.  

Had I gotten back together with my husband when I asked him -a month later -we would not be together today.  The same doubts would have come rushing back and that breakup would have left too much "bad blood."  This time around I took my time in the relationship before we committed to forever (although we committed to exclusivity as soon as we decided to get back together which was about 34 days after we met for a catch up dinner after seeing each other only once in the past 7 years).  We did not date until we got back together -that month was basically us meeting up 2 times platonically. The third time as well except then we discussed getting back together.  A very very short discussion.  Because there's not much to discuss when you're on the same page about being together.  

In the last 17 years and 3.5 months I've never wanted to test the waters, never wanted to date anyone else, neither has he, never had the doubts that convinced me way back when we were wrong together. He's never waited for the other shoe to drop.  He knows and has known for many years that this time I'm here to happily stay.  It can work.  But not if the other person has one foot out the door.  Then one of two shoes has dropped and the other one soon will IMO.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I'm just going to go through all you wrote about and highlight all of the red flags.  Then YOU can think on this ...

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

The first thing I noticed or I tried to figure out was if he is controlling. He is very possessive and jealous when it comes on to me. There were times when he would get upset if he sees me talking to anyone (male) very closely which is just casually or even texting. He would search my phone and things like that. We had our quarrels over those kind of things until I felt like it got better. I wouldn't say the jealousy is gone but I haven't really had any occurrences of such in a little while.

- Yup, he is.  Never did I go thru anyone's phone ( except for once).  One I dated for 5+ yrs).  , as I was getting the hint he was cheating.. I was correct.

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

He is a person who it is very difficult to have a conversation with. He only sees things his way and no other way. There have been times when I would communicate something to him or raise an issue and he things I mean one thing when I really mean something else. And even when I try to explain myself he keeps dwelling on what he is thinking I am saying. It's either that or he just ignores or he responds with things that has nothing to do with what I was trying to say and this can be very frustrating.

 

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

Another issue is that I have found where he has lied to me before. He has not been open and truthful about somethings because of fear of what I might think. He thinks if I see him talking with a female, I am going to get upset and so he will do everything to hide it. And when I press that is when he will admit that he was actually trying to do that. I notice that he doesn't keep conversations in his phone (I am not a person who searches phones) but I know because when he opens whatsapp it's always empty. As soon as he has a conversation with anyone it is deleted.

So, he can act out on you over talking to guys- but he is allowed to talk to women?  It's all wrong!  No respect or trust here!

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

I admire how in tuned he is in ensuring that his mom and sibling are well taken care of. His parents are married but he doesn't have the perfect relationship with his dad. His dad no longer live with them. He is kinda like a "mamas boy". I am not saying he shouldn't love his mom because the way he loves and care for her reflect in the way he will love and care for me. But it is like he cannot function without her. He runs to her for everything. He hardly allows me to give him advice without having to go back to her. Sometimes I feel like he puts her and his sibling over me. 

- Obviously not true...is it?  He's not treating you properly at all!  He's got many issue's.  

- IMO, his family is way different than his relationship with you. If he runs back to mom, this is how he functions... yeah, yet another thing that is affecting you.

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

I have never felt so hurt before. He just got up one day and decided that he was going to leave me. At first he was acting strange then I noticed was that he removed all our couple photos from social media. I felt so terrible because I didn't think anything was wrong between us. I went to find out what was happening and he was finding all kind of excuses why he cannot deal with me anymore.

-THIS is big!  Says plenty doesn't it?  😕 

- So HIS solution is to delete you & just run?  And do you wonder how many more times he could repeat this?  This is not a solution at all.

 

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

Late that night he came to visit me, breaking down that he cannot be without me. He could only say it but couldn't actually do it. I decided that I will never allow him to hurt me like that again so I needed time to think about and process everything.

Exactly.

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

I had to make it clear that money was never an issue for me. He means more to me than that. I just need to know that we are comfortable. This is an issue that we can put behind as I will continuing giving him that reassurance but we are still yet to go into most the other issues I mentioned early. I thought those were the major culprit but I have come to realise where the problem really was that caused him to act out like that. He was trying to run.

- No, you do not need to keep reassuring anything!  You'll be dragged down emotionally.  This will do some damage with all of his crap.

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

But I still wonder if I should be worried about those issues or if they are issues we are likely to overcome. I don't want to set myself up. I know that it is not possible for someone to change unless they make that conscious decision to change themself.

Right - don't set yourself up.... IMO, this is just how he is. 

 

On 12/3/2022 at 7:53 PM, KShaun said:

I really love this man, truly. He has been good to me in many ways but I wouldn't want to settle for something where I am going to have a lifetime of unhappiness.

There you go.

[KShaun]

Update

It has been almost 9 months later and I truly regret not listening to you all. 😭

We have been engaged two months now. Things were back to normal since January and there was change for the better. However, a few days ago I got the shock of my life. He broke news to his family then my family and myself that around that time he was having an affair. That is bad but it doesn't end there. The person he cheated with is carrying a child that could possibly be his.

To say I am heartbroken and torn and broken and hurting can't be enough to sum up the way I feel.

He has since admitted to everything that happened during that time and that he was indeed trying to get me to leave him. According to him, he was struggling between me and her. Imagine, this is a coworker who he had known for a very short time. And we have been together for over four years and to be having a fight? 

The worst thing about this is, our wedding plans are at an advanced stage. I cannot explain the happiness I had been feeling. And now I am left confused to say the least. So much money is spent already. 

Can this ever be mended? He insists that I am the person he has had all intentions of marrying and spending his life with. But yet... cheating is one thing. But cheating without using protection is another thing.

I feel so betrayed. I don't have the words to even describe the feeling I have inside.

Can counselling help a situation like this?

I know if I had listened, I wouldn't be here now. I know I should have just walked away. 

I have no idea what to do now.

 

[Capricorn3]

I'm sorry this happened and that you're hurting, but view this as a bullet dodged.  He has shown you his true colours and trust me, he will not suddenly change his ways.  No, I don't think this can be mended because without trust, you have nothing.  What he did was unforgivable (imo).  Please, whatever you do, do not go back to him.

As to what you can do now?  Surround yourself with supportive family and friends.  Also, maybe think about some professional counseling to help you over this hurdle.  I wish you well.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, KShaun said:

He insists that I am the person he has had all intentions of marrying and spending his life with.

Can counselling help a situation like this?

Sorry this is happening. Are you still going through with the marriage?

[arjumand]

It is so much less expensive -- both monetarily and emotionally -- to call off a wedding than to get a divorce. Call it off, walk away. It seems impossible, believe me, it is not. Plenty of people have called off weddings after money was spent and I don't know one who regretted it. I do know a LOT of people who regret marrying someone who has treated them badly and had affairs and generally just not treated them with respect. Respect yourself. Leave, don't look back, get some therapy, figure out why you were willing to put up with this fluff of a relationship when you are clearly worth more. 

 

[boltnrun]

Why do YOU need counseling? He lied to you for how long? And now you're supposed to welcome his affair child into your home? No, it's not the child's fault but can you live with that reminder of his deceit for the rest of your life?

Wedding plans can be cancelled. It's literally just party plans. Get as much money refunded as you can and write the rest off as an expensive but worthwhile life lesson. 

[KShaun]

3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I'm sorry this happened and that you're hurting, but view this as a bullet dodged.  He has shown you his true colours and trust me, he will not suddenly change his ways.  No, I don't think this can be mended because without trust, you have nothing.  What he did was unforgivable (imo).  Please, whatever you do, do not go back to him.

As to what you can do now?  Surround yourself with supportive family and friends.  Also, maybe think about some professional counseling to help you over this hurdle.  I wish you well.

That's what I'm thinking. What is the likelihood of him doing this again. He says he has learnt a lesson. He insists that it happened only once and she came on to him. And he doesn't see a future without me.

I don't know how I will ever learn to trust him again. 

[Capricorn3]

12 minutes ago, KShaun said:

I don't know how I will ever learn to trust him again. 

^ ALL the more reason to end things permanently and NOT go ahead with the wedding.  To put it bluntly, it would be extremely foolish on your part to marry him.  If you go ahead with this you only have yourself to blame for a very miserable and unhappy life.  That will be on you.

[KShaun]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you still going through with the marriage?

Deep inside I feel like I shouldn't. I am so confused. I don't know how to handle this. This happened long before the engagement. And I am just learning about it. 

I am questioning if he had any intentions of telling me. Because it appears she threatened him especially because of the pregnancy. 

[KShaun]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why do YOU need counseling? He lied to you for how long? And now you're supposed to welcome his affair child into your home? No, it's not the child's fault but can you live with that reminder of his deceit for the rest of your life?

Wedding plans can be cancelled. It's literally just party plans. Get as much money refunded as you can and write the rest off as an expensive but worthwhile life lesson. 

Right. I don't need that constant reminder. If the child is really his I don't know how I could cope.

I agree. I just need to make the right decision. 

 

[KShaun]

11 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ ALL the more reason to end things permanently and NOT go ahead with the wedding.  To put it bluntly, it would be extremely foolish on your part to marry him.  If you go ahead with this you only have yourself to blame for a very miserable and unhappy life.  That will be on you.

You are right. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, KShaun said:

And he doesn't see a future without me.

Oh please even that is a lame and negative statement. He may have learned his lesson and if he has let him go and practice being that person who is faithful and loyal -however he chooses. But not with you and not on you.  Please don't take that level of risk with this person.  I also cancelled a wedding about 6 weeks in advance - it was to be a large reception and we'd recently moved in together.  Not because of cheating.  It was hard financially, logistically (returning all those presents! moving out! and all the phone calls to see what we could salvage).  But I wouldn't be married today to a wonderful man in the right relationship had I gone through with it -we'd have gotten divorced. 

Guess what -I married him 11 years later - and I know for sure that if we'd cancelled our first planned wedding because of cheating or similar we would never have gotten back together. Because I walked away then -despite the $$$ and embarrassment etc we got our marriage and family later in life. 

Another good friend of mine had his fiancee cancel the wedding a few month before and she asked instead for 6 months to be apart and then see where things were. He said no.  He was done. I didn't blame him.  No infidelity -she just wasn't sure.  They returned all the wedding gifts too and it was really hard on him but he knew giving "another chance" was a recipe for disaster.

He met his wonderful wife about a year later - through a dating site - and they've been married over 20 years now.  So please just take a deep breath and cut the cord and please know the $$ etc will fade as far as how hard and uncomfortable that is but you'll have your dignity and self respect.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, KShaun said:

I just need to make the right decision. 

 

In what sense would it be the "right decision" to go forward with this marriage?  Because your family and the people in your church would be pleased with it?   Because your future will be set up and you won't have to make a path for yourself in life once you're tied down to the traditional responsibilities of "WIFE," even if you're miserable?

Those don't sound right to me.  

[boltnrun]

9 hours ago, KShaun said:

He insists that it happened only once and she came on to him.

Oh good.  He refuses to take responsibility for putting his penis UNPROTECTED inside this woman.  Of course it's HER fault he had sex with her!  And only once?  Please.

Let's say you don't want to lose money or be embarrassed so you go ahead and marry him.  What do you think will happen the next time some woman comes on to him?  Will he be forced "against his will" to have unprotected sex with every woman who comes on to him?  His life could be littered with children from all these women who force themselves on poor, defenseless him.  Your life too.

Look, I'm painting a dire picture because it's true.  A person who blames others for their decisions will never be trustworthy.

A friend of mine had a child with a married man.  Turns out, he has ANOTHER child who is roughly the same age as my friend's child, a product of another simultaneous affair.  AND he has a wife and two children already.  He was also having an additional affair with a man which my friend knew nothing about.  It's an awful mess for everyone involved EXCEPT this man because he gets to run around having sex with whoever he wants. 

I don't know why you would willingly sign up for a marriage to someone who cheats, lies and deceives.  Forget about the money.

I'm curious, is your family encouraging you to go ahead with the marriage?

[Wiseman2]

On 12/4/2022 at 11:44 AM, KShaun said:

Well if I don't marry him, I don't think I will have any interest in any future relationship with anyone else. I don't have the capacity for any more heartbreak. 

Unfortunately marrying him will be the road to  unimaginable headaches and heartaches. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, KShaun said:

Right. I don't need that constant reminder. If the child is really his I don't know how I could cope.

Even if you were able to create some kind of an emotional barrier between your life with him versus his life with his child, look at the practical side. All of the funds that would have gone to raising your first child together--all the way through college--would now need to be paid to this other child.

Is that how you want to begin your plan of family life, in perpetual financial debt to someone else?

Back to the emotional side: do you want to spend your whole future looking over your shoulder for the next infidelity? In addition to cheating, wasn't he treating you really badly?

So whatever happened to that? You've already experienced his capacity for cruelty. Didn't that enter your mind even while he's been love-bombing to get you the altar these last months?

At what point might it occur to you that you've been living in a fantasy bubble 'around' this man, and the truth about him isn't what you'd be marrying--at all.

 

[boltnrun]

How would you feel if he married you to just to keep up appearances and continued to have affairs?  Would you be willing to stay married to a cheater just to keep up appearances?

Also, how does a man who lies, cheats and deceives inspire love in you?  Sure, you apparently loved him before you knew about his affair, but he was treating you poorly before you found out.  What exactly about his poor treatment of you caused you to feel love for him?

[Andrina]

If there is any good reason to lose money, it's for the right reason since it will be the result of losing this loser.

You didn't listen the first time to the forum posters and regretted it. If you learned the lesson this time, you will agree with the majority who are impartial-- giving advice with their brains in combination with their hearts in caring for a stranger who will be making the biggest mistake of her life in marrying this dirtbag.

He duped you over and over and is still duping you. Love yourself enough to get away from this toxic situation.

[MissCanuck]

It would be downright foolish to stay with this man. 

He doesn't love you. He has no respect for you at all, actually. Marrying him would be a huge mistake on your part.