How can I cultivate a deeper friendship with a few friendly acquaintances that are now long distance? Without coming across as creepy / making them un

[Fortnite]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How would you happen to be at a church event 6 hours away from your hometown? 

If I may be honest, this sounds as though you might be keeping an eye on social media of events or things they plan to attend, and you are going to show up there and play if off like it's a random coincidence.

Is that your idea? 

LOL, No I am not going to do that. I do still keep up with many people in the area and have tons of connections, so it's very possible that if I am there for a week or so, I might run into them at a church event. Keep in mind, I used to live there for 4 years and know a lot a lot of people in that area. I do not know which church Hayley or Ryan go to, but as far as I know, it probably is not the church I used to go to when I lived there, because I think I would've known if it was. It's not that huge of a church and I was there for 4 years. Or any campus event, I might be at if people invite me, etc, but I won't go trying to hunt them down or go to events because they will be there. That is borderline stalking in my opinion. 

[Fortnite]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Showing up in places where people you are obsessed with with the intent of running into them is stalking. 

Why not google what the definition of stalking is and discuss these plans with your psychologist?

That's the best approach.

No I am not going to do that. I agree that that is borderline stalking if I am doing that without their consent. 

[Fortnite]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Friendship is reciprocal yet your posts and others are filled with these I statements about what you want from these people.  But there's no indication that either of them desire any closer contact or connection with you even though they know where they can text/contact you. 

It doesn't even seem to me like you have any desire to contribute in some way to their best interests or well being or enjoyment of life as a friend -you want this abstract notion of friendship and have fixated on these two acquaintances from college who live far away. It's about you, your feelings, how you would like to feel.  What have you ever offered to do for either of them? Do you know what charities they support or have they told you? What family responsibilities do they have? What are their future hopes and dreams and career goals? Have either of them shared those aspects of their lives with you and if so have you ever offered to provide input, a donation, a friendly ear?

I get that as friendships get closer more is shared but when an acquaintance wishes to take things deeper it's often motivated by a true interest in the other person's life and often that interest is shown by actions and not feelings.  There's no indication here of that sort of sharing on either of their parts and no indication that you actually care about what makes them tick and what their lives are about -you're focused on wanting "friendship" and they're the people you're focusing on for some reason -but I don't think for the right reasons.

No I do not know the answers to these things, but I barely know them, so I wouldn't say they really had that much of an opportunity to share that with me. If you barely know someone, and do not see someone that often, one person has to initiate it. 

As for a desire, because it's a strange thing, they most likely have not even thought about the idea of getting closer to me, since I am not someone that they see all the time or on a regular basis. However, if I express interest, they could either also be interested or not so much. When it comes to connecting with people, one person needs to make the move and take the initiative. 

I need to get to know them better first before I can offer any of those things. But yes, I do want to do things for them and be supportive, donate, and whatever I can for them. But I need to know them better first though. I always offer to provide an ear, and input, but we need to remember that that comes over time. If you don't know the person very well, you're probably not going to share those things unless you are strange like I am. I really do want to contribute to those things and have a huge desire. 

In fact, I guess I could ask them questions like that over text, but is it appropriate to be asking those questions to people that I barely know or haven't spent much time with? I'm worried if I do that this early on, it could backfire. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Fortnite said:

When it comes to connecting with people, one person needs to make the move and take the initiative. 

That's not always true.  Often no move is needed -it's a mutual interest when people meet - there is no "she/he made the first move" and no initiative because there is mutual interest.  I actually have a female online "penpal" for the last 2 years and I doubt we'll ever meet in person but we consider each other friends.  We originally connected via an FB group for readers and writers (we love books and we've done a bit of writing).  Via text I do know all those types of things I mentioned.  I think technically I messaged her first but that was a technicality -there was a mutual interest in keeping in touch from the start.  

If I happen to travel to her city or she to mine yes I would love for her to let me know and same the other way.  Neither of us would ever imagine making a special trip to meet in person.  

Read what you wrote above and how little you know of these people and yet you want to travel several hours in the hopes of starting a friendship.  My sense still is you are focusing on these acquaintances since you know of them but who they actually are as people has taken a backseat because of your intense focus on this goal of friendship and they just happen to be the targets.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Fortnite said:

I barely know them

Given this, why do you desperatetly want them in your life?

What image do you have in your mind about who they are, and what do imagine they would bring to your life? 

[Jaunty]

12 hours ago, Fortnite said:

But how are they showing up in their lives though? I doubt that kind of stalker does NOT contact those celebrities ahead of time and try to schedule to meet them.

They do.  When these situations come to the attention of the celebrity or their staff, or law enforcement if it goes that route, there are almost always lots of attempts to reach out by the stalker, who may then believe that some kind of reciprocation happened because of a post on social media or similar.  

 

12 hours ago, Fortnite said:

The difference is, I actually know these people that I'm talking about; not very well, but I know them and have their contact info where I can text them. I would never show up at their home or try to meet them without their consent. I think consent is a big thing here. 

I would always make sure I have their consent before doing anything involving them.

 

I know you would.  

Have you actually interacted one on one socially with either of these people when you lived in the same town?  If so, how did it go?  If not, why not?  

If the answer is "no" I would not be surprised if they would feel a little perplexed and perhaps guarded about your enthusiasm to "be friends" now that you live far away.   I'm not getting that you and they share common work, hobbies, lifestyles.  On what basis are you planning to develop a deeper relationship?  If it's just "I want to get to know you better," I'm sorry to tell you that many people will instinctively withdraw from that even if your intentions are perfectly fine.   

 

 

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Fortnite said:

They can be slow to respond at times, but they're busy people and they don't know me that well, so its not like I expect much from them. 

Yes, most people have extremely limited leisure time. Most work full time jobs, and also have to fit in time with family, a handful of friends, because friendship takes effort, and of course time with a significant other and for some, raising children and a having a hobby. 

It's highly unlikely that these busy people, who are slow to respond to your texts, are going to take on the  amount of time and energy it takes to build a relationship with an acquaintance living 6 hours away. And also the fact they they are called targets is really disturbing.

It's far different when close friendships build first and then distance happens, but even with those friendships, they change in significant ways. I'm still friends with a woman who was the maid of honor in my wedding, but shortly after, I moved away and she doesn't like to fly. So we just saw each other when I visited her town whenever I visited my parents there. She has developed closer relationships with local friends, as I have. The local friendships are what we expend most of our time and energy into, because it's far more satisfying to physically get together versus communicating in cyber space.

Just as your feelings about tunnel vision about a fantasy situation where you will build a satisfying relationship with two people 6 hours away are of the alternate variety, your expectations this will happen are also outside of the norm. As I've said before, it's unethical to try to connect with someone you feel obsessive feelings about. I'd set that goal aside and continue working with your therapist.

 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Fortnite said:

OK, I disagree with you here on some things. Forget about college life. I just want them in my life in general whether it's close or from a distance. Even if I knew them better, I still would've said the same thing.

Manipulate them to play roles I've assigned to them? I have not assigned any roles to them. I need to get to know them better first, and see what happens. I just hope I can develop a friendship with them, but I don't have much expectations on what that'll be like and how things will work out. I just want to get to know them better and get closer. Why would you say it doesn't consider the feelings of those people? 

I think many of you are stuck on this idea that they are not interested in getting to know me better. Why? They have not showed any real sign of disinterest and have seemed to engage happily in any texts I sent them, etc. They can be slow to respond at times, but they're busy people and they don't know me that well, so its not like I expect much from them. 

It’s not about attaching to college life itself, it’s that you’re not satisfied enough with the memories of college life that you’re taking with you, so you’re targeting these people as a way to go back and change that.

As for figuring out ways to manipulate these people into roles that you’re assigning them, your original post assigned them each fantasy roles where you envisioned them dining with you, and you continue to expand those roles with you over the course of years.

You can do this if you want, it’s not against the law, it’s just an unhealthy distraction away from transitioning into your present life to explore your new community and create new memories where you are.

[boltnrun]

If someone I barely knew messaged me saying what you're proposing to say under the guise of "being honest" I would probably be alarmed. Especially the plan to travel six hours for the sole purpose of trying to convince these two people to be your friends.

The fact that you don't understand why it would be off-putting is more confirmation that it's a bad idea.

I would focus on meeting people in your area. Give some of them the chance to become your good friends.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Fortnite said:

. I agree that that is borderline stalking if I am doing that without their consent. 

"Stalking" is not an opinion. There's no need to debate it. There's a specific legal definition of what it entails.

Your healthcare providers can help you with all these thoughts, feelings, plans you have mapped out and so on and help you find more appropriate and realistic ways to make friends.

The point is at some level you know your elaborate plan to attempt to make these distant acquaintances into friends you visit is "creepy".

This is why a discussion about your obsessions with your psychologist about this would be very beneficial.