Why is it so hard to find someone these days?

[hub49]

When you do the same things you've always been doing, you get the same things you've always been getting.  Expressed another way, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.

Change your method.  Change your persona.  Or both.  Just do something different.  

Join activities for their own sake and not just to meet someone.  The woman of your dreams may not be in the group but could be in the social circle of someone in the group.

True story:  I was friendly with a 50-ish couple in a church group.  They knew I was living by myself about three hours from my family.  They asked if I wanted to come over for Thanksgiving dinner, and they said they had someone they wanted to introduce me to  I told them thanks but I was having dinner with my parents who were coming to visit me.  The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I had a voice mail from the wife saying she and her husband wanted to introduce me to their daughter.  

They gave me her phone number, I called her, we met a few weeks later for coffee at Starbucks, and we're still together nearly 21 years later.  

[BeaTlesFan77]

I feel your pain Leo and I’m 45. My most recent attempt was at a singles party I went to last month sponsored by a local sports league. Met this girl L while playing the icebreaker bingo game we were given. Found out during the course of our conversation that she used to live in California around my favorite theme parks and loves them as much as me.

I invited her to go sit at a table with chairs away from the crowd so we could hear each other better. We talked for what seemed a good half hour and it was well balanced back-and-forth. She also volunteered her phone number which I put into my phone and she said she had some pictures she wanted to send me. After the half hour, she excused herself to go grab a drink and she said she wanted to mosey around a little bit more. I told her I was going to go outside and get some fresh air. 

I saw that she was talking to some other people and I also attempted to talk to some other people as well. About a half hour later I needed to start making my way home as I had to wake up early for work. L was talking to another guy and I stopped by to let her know I had to head home get up early for work. I could tell how things were going to go when she introduced me to him as her “Disneyland buddy”. Essentially I got friend zoned right there. 

Once I got home, I sent her a quick text to let her know it was great meeting her and hopefully she got home safely. She responded the next day in the afternoon that it was great meeting me too. I let a couple of days pass and then I tried calling her.  She didn’t answer.  Then I sent a quick text asking how her week was going.  Finally on that Saturday a couple days later, I texted her again to see how her weekend was going.  She never answered either text and I haven’t heard from her since.

It’s frustrating how even though you think something is going great with a potential future date, things can still take a dive. I figured it’s her loss and I feel sorry for her. She missed out on something great. 

Has anything happened since you first posted this thread?

[DarkCh0c0]

On 12/19/2022 at 1:38 AM, hub49 said:

Join activities for their own sake and not just to meet someone.  The woman of your dreams may not be in the group but could be in the social circle of someone in the group.

That's true. I have read stats that mentioned that the highest quality partners come from friends of friends. So you would be at a friend's party and meet someone there. Or, your friends who know you well would set you up with someone who can be a great match. It's all about having a healthy set of good friends/acquaintances and expanding that circle.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

t’s frustrating how even though you think something is going great with a potential future date, things can still take a dive. I figured it’s her loss and I feel sorry for her. She missed out on something great. 

This happened to me all the time during the 24 years I was dating (on and off dating)  -I'm just surprised you got your hopes up and made assumptions  to that extent.  I learned not to early on -to be realistic.  I actually remember the last time I did -it was the late 80s and we were at a really popular/trendy bar.  I was 21 maybe. 

An older guy -like 24 - came over and had a really cute "line" -we talked for hours and I gave him my number. He wasn't the least bit shy, seemed interested and flirty and lived locally -was about to start law school that week actually.  We didn't kiss or anything like that but there was attraction. Back then it wasn't typical to exchange numbers - but I knew his last name and he knew mine -my maiden name was very very unusual.  I really don't know if he never called or if we spoke once.  We never went out.  A few years later as part of a sales job I had I actually had to call him and I did. 

And he seemed to remember meeting me (not because I was so scintillating likely because I mentioned the bar and he had my last name).  I did not let myself get my hopes up like I did with him -I was so excited that he might call.  

The main reason I was able to be out there dating, meeting people, meeting people through people, connecting with people on dating sites-was because I was really careful to stay realistic.  Each date was the last date unless there was another one planned time and place.  If I gave a man my number he might or might not call even if we'd danced all night. 

It freed me up to keep my options open in a reasonably positive way and not be "waiting" for a call.  I heard the "oh his loss" stuff from well meaning friends but with rare exception that wasn't true at all - it wasn't the other person's loss if he didn't feel the click or if I didn't meet his standards of "well I don't feel a spark and I know me and if I don't there's no point in asking her out."

Also you never know when a Disney Buddy (my husband has been a huge disney fan for the last 40 years lol) - might have a friend who wants to be more than buddies so if you are given the opportunity to keep in touch -do it.  Network.

I'm really sorry you were disappointed again.  

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's true. I have read stats that mentioned that the highest quality partners come from friends of friends. So you would be at a friend's party and meet someone there. Or, your friends who know you well would set you up with someone who can be a great match. It's all about having a healthy set of good friends/acquaintances and expanding that circle.

That is how I met 3 of my serious relationships -I met my husband originally at work but it turned out we had mutual friends and acquaintances from where we grew up -and those people were good people.  

[BeaTlesFan77]

49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This happened to me all the time during the 24 years I was dating (on and off dating)  -I'm just surprised you got your hopes up and made assumptions  to that extent.  I learned not to early on -to be realistic.  I actually remember the last time I did -it was the late 80s and we were at a really popular/trendy bar.  I was 21 maybe. 

An older guy -like 24 - came over and had a really cute "line" -we talked for hours and I gave him my number. He wasn't the least bit shy, seemed interested and flirty and lived locally -was about to start law school that week actually.  We didn't kiss or anything like that but there was attraction. Back then it wasn't typical to exchange numbers - but I knew his last name and he knew mine -my maiden name was very very unusual.  I really don't know if he never called or if we spoke once.  We never went out.  A few years later as part of a sales job I had I actually had to call him and I did. 

And he seemed to remember meeting me (not because I was so scintillating likely because I mentioned the bar and he had my last name).  I did not let myself get my hopes up like I did with him -I was so excited that he might call.  

The main reason I was able to be out there dating, meeting people, meeting people through people, connecting with people on dating sites-was because I was really careful to stay realistic.  Each date was the last date unless there was another one planned time and place.  If I gave a man my number he might or might not call even if we'd danced all night. 

It freed me up to keep my options open in a reasonably positive way and not be "waiting" for a call.  I heard the "oh his loss" stuff from well meaning friends but with rare exception that wasn't true at all - it wasn't the other person's loss if he didn't feel the click or if I didn't meet his standards of "well I don't feel a spark and I know me and if I don't there's no point in asking her out."

Also you never know when a Disney Buddy (my husband has been a huge disney fan for the last 40 years lol) - might have a friend who wants to be more than buddies so if you are given the opportunity to keep in touch -do it.  Network.

I'm really sorry you were disappointed again.  

Thank you for your feedback. It stung, but I got over it rather quickly. I figured that, even though she referred to me as a buddy I would still go through with it and see how things happened.  Friends are always great and like you said it’s smart to network. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Thank you for your feedback. It stung, but I got over it rather quickly. I figured that, even though she referred to me as a buddy I would still go through with it and see how things happened.  Friends are always great and like you said it’s smart to network. 

Yes but also I wouldn't assume friendzone as she might have assumed you felt that way and you were playing it cool.  I'm glad you got over it quickly! Now you have me thinking how much I miss Disney.  We went to Disney Springs for a quick trip in Feb. 2020.  We flew back March 1, 2020 and I remember the flight attendant handling my boarding pass with gloves on foreshadowing the lockdown about to happen.  Then we had to cancel our third Disney trip that April.  Still haven't gone but we will.  Would have been my 5th time there.  My first time was when Disney Springs was still Pleasure Island.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

I could tell how things were going to go when she introduced me to him as her “Disneyland buddy”. Essentially I got friend zoned right there. 

Lol. Dont look at it like that. For all purposes, she is a stranger you just met once. She met somebody else and that is OK.

Also

7 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Once I got home, I sent her a quick text to let her know it was great meeting her and hopefully she got home safely. She responded the next day in the afternoon that it was great meeting me too. I let a couple of days pass and then I tried calling her.  She didn’t answer.  Then I sent a quick text asking how her week was going.  Finally on that Saturday a couple days later, I texted her again to see how her weekend was going.  She never answered either text and I haven’t heard from her since.

 

Please dont do this. Texting her once and asking her something to determine at least some interest level and maybe call her out on a date is fine. Calling her and texting her two times more while she doesnt even responds, is way over the top. At best it sends the message that you are "needy". At worst, it comes dangerously close to harassment.

You need to be fine with whatever happens. You met a girl and took a number. Good. Send her a message and she responded. Good. She didnt respond a second time. Good. You know where you are at and can delete her from your mind and move on. 

[BeaTlesFan77]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Please dont do this. Texting her once and asking her something to determine at least some interest level and maybe call her out on a date is fine. Calling her and texting her two times more while she doesnt even responds, is way over the top. At best it sends the message that you are "needy". At worst, it comes dangerously close to harassment.

You need to be fine with whatever happens. You met a girl and took a number. Good. Send her a message and she responded. Good. She didnt respond a second time. Good. You know where you are at and can delete her from your mind and move on. 

Kwothe, this is huge and I’m glad that you shared this! Here is my take away from what you said. I was fine with the first text to which she responded, and then waiting a day or two to make the first call.  Then once I call and she doesn’t answer, leave it alone at that? Also, should I include a voicemail when I call?  When I called that one time I did not do that.  

[boltnrun]

My uncle met my aunt when he was a groomsman and she was a bridesmaid in a wedding. My uncle nudged one of the other groomsmen and gestured toward my aunt and said "that's the girl I'm going to marry", before he'd even had a proper conversation with her! It's such a romantic, sweet story.

I met my husband when we lived in the same dorm at college and I asked him for a ride to Burger King. My mom met my dad at a party. My brother met his wife when she temped at his workplace. His coworker married the woman who cooked on the food truck that served their workplace! 

There are all sorts of opportunities, many of them when you don't expect it.

[BeaTlesFan77]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My uncle met my aunt when he was a groomsman and she was a bridesmaid in a wedding. My uncle nudged one of the other groomsmen and gestured toward my aunt and said "that's the girl I'm going to marry", before he'd even had a proper conversation with her! It's such a romantic, sweet story.

I met my husband when we lived in the same dorm at college and I asked him for a ride to Burger King. My mom met my dad at a party. My brother met his wife when she temped at his workplace. His coworker married the woman who cooked on the food truck that served their workplace! 

There are all sorts of opportunities, many of them when you don't expect it.

Yes I’ve heard that the possibilities are endless. Hopefully there was a Whopper involved in that Burger King trip. 😆

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Kwothe, this is huge and I’m glad that you shared this! Here is my take away from what you said. I was fine with the first text to which she responded, and then waiting a day or two to make the first call.  Then once I call and she doesn’t answer, leave it alone at that? Also, should I include a voicemail when I call?  When I called that one time I did not do that.  

I am not against you contacting her in any form. Calling, texting, even sending her some pic(not innapropriate one though). That is what you are suppose to do after she willingly gave you her number. You just dont need to continously try to contact her when she is not answering back. If she doesnt answer or message back, leave it alone. She knows that you contacted her, and she knows she needs to contact back if she wants to. If she doesnt, she just isnt interested. Plenty of other women who would be interested and respond to your messages, trust me.

Also, this is 2023, nobody leaves a voice mail. Dont think nobody did that ever since 2000s and when SMS are invented lol

Storytime: A while ago I liked this girl. We saw each other on work, she was all cute, a bit thicc, just as I like them. So I added her on FB, and when she confirmed me, I sent her a message. We had something in work archives about her place(she lives in a village outside of town) so I pictured that and send it to her with some question about her village. I never got the answer. And that is OK. You are suppose to make at least some effort and try. If other side isnt interested, that is OK. Again, plenty of other women would be. Not even people who are "Casanova" types cant succeed with every woman. Sure, their percentage is better then your "Average Joe". But they still stumble sometimes. And they just move on to next one. That is what you are suppose to do. This one didnt answer some next one maybe will. Some next one would maybe even want to go on a date with you. That is what dating is. In some cases just number of tries and hits and misses.

[BeaTlesFan77]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but also I wouldn't assume friendzone as she might have assumed you felt that way and you were playing it cool.  I'm glad you got over it quickly! Now you have me thinking how much I miss Disney.  We went to Disney Springs for a quick trip in Feb. 2020.  We flew back March 1, 2020 and I remember the flight attendant handling my boarding pass with gloves on foreshadowing the lockdown about to happen.  Then we had to cancel our third Disney trip that April.  Still haven't gone but we will.  Would have been my 5th time there.  My first time was when Disney Springs was still Pleasure Island.

I feel your pain on that too. Haven’t been to Disneyland since early 2016. Used to go about 2 to 3 times a year when I had an annual pass. Makes me really sad now how the park is always packed and the prices have gone up outrageously. You can’t even get an annual pass anymore as they are sold out.  Hopefully you get to go back sometime soon with your family.  

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

I feel your pain on that too. Haven’t been to Disneyland since early 2016. Used to go about 2 to 3 times a year when I had an annual pass. Makes me really sad now how the park is always packed and the prices have gone up outrageously. You can’t even get an annual pass anymore as they are sold out.  Hopefully you get to go back sometime soon with your family.  

It's well over $100 each to get in and if you don't buy an extra pass for everyone in your party ($15 each I believe), you end up in hour plus lines for each ride. And pay a fortune for food AND pay extra for parking.

And I remember many years ago people were appalled when the admission price went up to $30... people have to save up for years just to go. It's not what Walt Disney envisioned!

Obviously I'm not a fan.

Ahem. It is a nice date though, but go during the week and not during summertime or any holidays. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

It's well over $100 each to get in and if you don't buy an extra pass for everyone in your party ($15 each I believe), you end up in hour plus lines for each ride. And pay a fortune for food AND pay extra for parking.

And I remember many years ago people were appalled when the admission price went up to $30... people have to save up for years just to go. It's not what Walt Disney envisioned!

Obviously I'm not a fan.

Ahem. It is a nice date though, but go during the week and not during summertime or any holidays. 

It depends how you do it.  It is expensive. Staying on property plus fast pass helps with a lot of the waiting time and extras.  Also packing smart-bringing your own resuable water bottle, snacks, etc.  It's expensive and a special experience for many families even if a very once in awhile thing.  I loved it my first time -I was 23.

[Leo781]

Well its been a while since I posted on here. During Christmas I managed to chat to a girl online from Match. We went on a couple of dates, the chemistry wasn't there. On the third date she asked if we could just be friends. I was saddened to start with, but accepted it. We still keep in touch & sometimes join socials. I've tried to be more social this year & have joined more groups.

I've also joined some societies within University. It was tough to start off with, especially at my age being in my 40s it can feel like Impostor Syndrome. I've made some friends with girls, and even though  I'm too old to date them (old enough to be their dad), I felt it did give me confidence to talk to girls more often. 

I've gone on some socials outside university & even went to a singles night. I did try to approach women there thinking that they are in the same situation as me. Sadly though I didn't get any matches. 

 

[Batya33]

I'm impressed with all you are doing!I hope you continue!

[Leo781]

thanks, sometimes I still feel down and have the same fears. But do whatever I can to make myself more sociable

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Leo781 said:

thanks, sometimes I still feel down and have the same fears. But do whatever I can to make myself more sociable

Yes and I am sorry -it's tough out there but good for  you for choosing being out there instead of succumbing to your fears.

[tufntender]

On 12/2/2022 at 10:50 AM, boltnrun said:

I just took a quick look. A six month eHarmony subscription is about $400 or about $70 per month. The monthly cost goes down the longer you subscribe for. 

$70 is about what a lot of people spend on coffee. It depends on what your priorities are.

Just out of curiosity, how much can you afford to spend on dates each month? And what is your living and employment situation? 

I have had some serious and traumatic things happen to me in my 40s. Diagnosed with PTSD etc. My folks, after some time, saw that I had isolated myself. I had profiles on Match and POF only to be contacted by players or men that I wasn't attracted to by profile or looks.. I understand I am/ was older but I had just experienced a major natural disaster so i went along with e harmony. First and foremost there were zero matches in my area or up to 150 miles. I think the selection on there is very limited.