Upset over Boyfriends Past Partners

[Beery]

Me (20F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together a year and a half. Things moved pretty quickly with us and we’ve been living together for 8 months. Past sexual partners was something we never really discussed, however he knew I had been with two people prior to meeting him. He always told me he had been with a “few” people and once made a joke that he could only buy a few things from the dollar store with his body count. 
 

I know his body count has always been more than mine, and I have suffered insecurities from that which I have been really trying to work on. The other day in a heated discussion over my insecurities about it, I was drilling him to tell me how many people he had been with and he told me it’s in the 30’s. 
 

My boyfriend and I have always shared the same sexual values - no sex unless we know and care about the person, see something potentially in the future with them. But I don’t know how that’s true anymore for over 30 people? Before he met me, he hadn’t had sad for two years because he said he was so tired of getting hurt by people. 
 

I just can’t help but feel misled, the number feels quite high, I thought it would only be around 10. I love him to bits, but now it feels like I’m in a constant competition in my head. I’d really appreciate some advice on how to get myself through this. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Beery said:

. Things moved pretty quickly with us and we’ve been living together for 8 months. 

I just can’t help but feel misled, I love him to bits, but now it feels like I’m in a constant competition in my head. 

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps it's too much too soon as far as moving in together.

You pressed him for details which are not relevant to your relationship. Sadly it backfired and made you feel worse.

There's nothing he can do about his past now. All you can do is accept it or move out at this point.

He didn't mislead you because he doesn't actually owe you a number and he wisely and diplomatically sidestepped an inappropriate question.

Is there any other reason you feel uneasy in the relationship? You seem to want to sabotage it.

 

[Beery]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Perhaps it's too much too soon as far as moving in together.

You pressed him for details which are not relevant to your relationship. Sadly it backfired and made you feel worse.

There's nothing he can do about his past now. All you can do is accept it or move out at this point.

He didn't mislead you because he doesn't actually owe you a number and he wisely and diplomatically sidestepped an inappropriate question.

Is there any other reason you feel uneasy in the relationship? You seem to want to sabotage it.

 

Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. 
I do think sometimes we moved too fast, but he moved in with me and I could never have the heart to ask him to move out. I know his past is his business, but I’m struggling so much and feel so upset about it. I didn’t realise how insecure I was, I suppose. 
 

I certainly don’t wish to sabotage my relationship and I don’t think I feel uneasy in any other aspect. 

[Batya33]

So you feel he lied to you because 30 partners is not consistent with what he told you before.  I would be concerned about the lie and for me anyway I avoided dating people who had had multiple partners in casual sex arrangements unless it was many years ago (and  then I didn't ask much - people change in their values/behaviors).  

Why is this competition at all? Number of partners has nothing to do with being a good partner romantically or sexually.  In fact someone who has multiple partners like that often is not focusing on being "good in bed" but simply one and done orgasms with people they don't know well or at all.

[kctiger]

2 hours ago, Beery said:

my boyfriend (23M) 
 

My boyfriend and I have always shared the same sexual values - no sex unless we know and care about the person, see something potentially in the future with them. But I don’t know how that’s true anymore for over 30 people? Before he met me, he hadn’t had sad for two years because he said he was so tired of getting hurt by people. 

As far as this statement, I can see your concern. If he has had sex with 30 people by the time he is 21, then I don't believe that he only had sex with people he "knew and cared about." That seems far fetched. There were likely several one night stands and "flings" within that count. But I am not comfortable talking with significant others about this topic so he may have tried to sugarcoat his prior intents so he didn't feel judged by you. 

That being said, you guys moved in after 10 months together, which seems fairly quick at any age, let alone at your young ages. Ultimately, it is your insecurity and feeling of inadequacy that needs to be addressed. There's nothing he can do about the past. How he treats you and his actions dictate the quality of his character. We have all done silly things in our past, some more than others. But you feeling like there is competition comes down to anxiety issues that have nothing to do with him. So do not project those onto him (blame him), but a discussion about your feelings wouldn't hurt either. 

Relax, communicate, and seek additional guidance through therapy or other means to get through your own feelings of anxiety. This may be a blossoming relationship and you do not want to lose it to something completely out of your control (and his). Who's to say if you break up with this guy, you will find another guy who meets your acceptable number? Not likely to happen. Bottom line, he chose you, he's with you, he moved in with you. There is no competition. 

[boltnrun]

Would you rather have a man with a lower "body count" (terrible term, BTW) who doesn't treat you as well or who you don't have as good a connection with?

Also, why on earth would you deliberately sabotage your relationship by doing this?

6 hours ago, Beery said:

The other day in a heated discussion over my insecurities about it, I was drilling him to tell me how many people he had been with

If you want him to move out just tell him. No need to invent excuses like too high of a "body count".

[Jaunty]

"Body count" is a slippery slope.  My stance is that is not anyone's business but the individual, unless the people need to marry a virgin or something.

I do agree that having a compatible idea about sexual relationships can be very important and understand why his "number" being so high appears to be a discrepancy there.

That said - feeding your own insecurities and grilling him about his past probably did not serve you very well.  It seems likely that your relationship won't recover from this.   

 

[WalterSobcha]

9 hours ago, Beery said:

my boyfriend (23M)

(...)

I was drilling him to tell me how many people he had been with and he told me it’s in the 30’s. 

(...)

My boyfriend and I have always shared the same sexual values - no sex unless we know and care about the person, see something potentially in the future with them.

So, he's 23 years old, has had sex with 30ish people, and... he shares your sexual values ("no sex unless we know and care about the person, see something potentially in the future with them").

Really?

I won't comment about whether this is right or wrong as that's a different topic, but... really? You still believe he shares your sexual values?

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, Beery said:

I certainly don’t wish to sabotage my relationship and I don’t think I feel uneasy in any other aspect. 

Okay, so you've already decided to stay invested in this guy. That means you'll need to figure out how to reframe this in a way that you can handle.

You get to decide whether breaking this down to about 5 or 6 sexual encounters per year, prior to a two year period of reflection and changing course, can be acceptable to you.

If you can rationalize that 2 years isn't like 2 months, you might be able to salvage this. If not, then, of course you are still entitled to stay if you want to--nobody else gets a vote.

But if you're going to torture yourself instead of trying to rationalize in your partner's favor, then you'll eventually need to decide which is worth more to you--the torture or the relationship.

You can't keep both successfully.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

[spinstermanquee]

Sweet sweet Beery... drilling anyone *might* be considered abusive <<wink>>

Please permit an oldster (50s) to share.

Backstory - had super jealous needy invasive guy boyfriend who did spystore stuff and no activities or conversations were private, unbeknownst to me.

His jealousy propelled him into many forbidden territories, including going to my apartment when I wasn't there (going through my stuff which I didn't find out until much later).

That kinda ruined me for a bit and then I re-met a guy from a mutual friend and our original fire re-ignited.  10 years later we had learned each other's languages and then *we* both caught some intense fire 🙂

When the time came to discuss relationship and sexual past with my potential mate, I said (paraphrased, it's been a long time so please excuse my fuzzy recollection):  "You have 30 minutes to ask me anything about my past.  I will answer all questions honestly.  After that, the door slams shut on the past for both of us."

His answer to that question was (again, paraphrased )... "Everything you have experienced, everyone that you have loved, made you into the person you are today, who is the person I love.  I have no questions."  Gosh darn it, that sealed the deal.

Beery, I hope you get your wishes ❤️

 

[Andrina]

If it's not a dealbreaker to you, then give him a break for being a human being who learned some lessons from dumb, youthful mistakes.

I know I made some mistakes as a teen I regret. He operated in a way that he found was dissatisfying. He clearly learned and evolved as young man, stopped that behavior, and has been faithful to you all this time.

If he meets all of your main needs, and is presently a terrific partner, the topic of sexual pasts should never again be discussed.

You need to learn something about arguments in a romantic partnership. They are for coming to an agreeable consensus. Once the consensus has been agreed upon, you should never rehash that argument. This happens when you want to attack your partner and make him feel bad for every bad thing he's done to you. That causes bitterness that eats away at love like cancer.

If you're feeling like your relationship is built on sea sand instead of concrete, ask yourself why. If the sole reason is your insecurity, work on your self-love by reading books on how to achieve this, and/or get therapy.  

[Lambert]

when you love someone to bits that would imply you accept them, faults and all.

Get your own values and what they mean to you straight.  Then determine what you can and can't accept based on that. 

It's unfair to hold someone's past over their head. It's not your place to judge or shame them, but it is your place to decide what works for you. 

Either change your thoughts or change your boyfriend because you can't change the past.  

[MissCanuck]

On 12/1/2022 at 11:14 AM, Beery said:

The other day in a heated discussion over my insecurities about it

What led to this discussion? 

[smackie9]

You are young, and at your age it's hard to fathom that someone can be nice and honest that had a roaring sex life. You feel lied to because he hid it, and who knows some of that could have been one night stands even tho he tells you he has good moral values. You are now stuck, and this is not fair at all to you. You have to ask yourself...can you stay with a guy like this? Is he no longer the guy you fell in love with?, would the actual truth resolve this? Do you really want to know vividly about his past?

[lostandhurt]

Obviously he didn't feel the same way about sex back then as he does now.  People change and grow.

Of course he didn't have 30 relationships before you which would be alarming and a huge red flag. 30 sexual partners in lets say from 16 yrs old on would be about 6 a year or one every two months. 

 I would be more concerned about std's right now.

  I would bet even if he had 10 like you mentioned you would still have insecurities about that number.  If 10 was okay why isn't 30? For that matter why is 10 okay?  See my point?  These numbers are kind of a line in the sand aren't they?  We draw the line but other factors blur the line.  Factors such as love, respect, dedication, honesty and character.

 When you first met him and considered dating him if you knew then that he had 30 sexual partners before you met would you have agreed to date him?  If not why do you want to stay now?  This answer should be powerful enough to beat down your insecurities about his past and if it isn't then it will haunt the relationship until it ultimately ends.

 Since this info is pretty fresh I would guess you are still in shock from the number he told you.  Take some time to digest this and look at the here and now and less on the past and see if it helps.

In the end if this is hurting the relationship your last ditch try might be to sit down with him and ask the question you want to know. "How/why did you have sex with so many women in such a short amount of time?"  It will be hard to hear but it just might be better than the imagined past you have conjured up in your mind about him.  

This is why talking about this stuff rarely goes well...

Lost

 

[SooSad33]

On 12/1/2022 at 5:14 AM, Beery said:

My boyfriend and I have always shared the same sexual values - no sex unless we know and care about the person, see something potentially in the future with them. But I don’t know how that’s true anymore for over 30 people? Before he met me, he hadn’t had sad for two years because he said he was so tired of getting hurt by people. 

Do you honestly feel, for his age, he truly 'cared' much for these gals?

IMO, you're just another notch on his bedpost.  He sounds like he is quite unsettled at this time & age he's at.

Is common for women to feel for their partners way sooner than their partners do for them, so unless you feel truly worthy in this, is best to reconsider all of it.  Because, by sounds of it, at this rate, he'll be on number 32 in less than half a year... He's got some growing up to do yet!

Some guys are 'players' and never change and some guys need to figure themselves out a while more before they find they do truly care enough for their partner in order to 'settle' and actually try to work for it.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

Sounds like you're just another number.  30 is a lot.  I wouldn't trust him if I were you.  He does not sound like a keeper IMHO.  He'll hurt you.  Beware. 

[1a1a]

Not withstanding everything else about the relationship (be it good of bad). Without your partners past, he couldn’t be in this present. You two might not have even met let along get together. Would that be preferable?

[Wiseman2]

Truth-or-dare games and tell-all games are for giggly teens at slumber parties. They have no place in adult relationships.

For example people in their late 20s may already have kids or divorces,so not having a past gets more and more seldom with maturity.