My guy friend is kinda pushing the boundaries of just being friends.

[euphoria925]

I have known my guy friend since mid-September, and since then we have grown really close pretty fast. He is the only child and his parents got divorced when he was young. Because of this he has trust issues and is really sensitive. He is also a pretty physical person and likes hugs and cuddles and stuff like that. The main problem that we have is that we have different ideas of what the boundaries are for a guy and girl to just be friends. I'm pretty conservative and was born and raised in a very devout Christian household, so I think that he is pushing my boundaries of friendship a bit much.

A couple weeks ago, he started to say "I love you" at the end of every conversation. Since I didn't want him to feel unappreciated or anything I started to say it too. When I went to his house to hang out a week ago, we were playing a video game together and he started to cuddle with me. At the moment, I thought it was cute and felt nice, so I sorta cuddled back. But now that I'm thinking about it, I think that both saying ILY and cuddling with anyone that I'm just friends with, both boys and girls, is a bit much for just friends. I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable whenever he says ILY but I still say it back bc I dont want to break his trust.

I just don't know how to tell him about how I feel and tell him about the boundaries I want to set up because he is super sensitive and might react negatively to what I say. I talked to my mom about it and we planned on my mom talking with his mom about it. Then, we are planning on him mom talking with him so he could hopefully receive the message better.

Ultimately, I just want to know if this is a good idea and what other people think about this situation. If you've read this entire thing, thank you so much because it's really long. But yeah, that's it.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, euphoria925 said:

I'm pretty conservative and was born and raised in a very devout Christian household, so I think that he is pushing my boundaries of friendship a bit much.

Do you want to be more than friends? If not you need to be crystal clear about lovey texts and physical touch. If you wish to just be friends, you need to step back and cease cuddling, hugs and ILY, etc. That is leading him on unless your goal is to reciprocate an interest in sex/dating.

[euphoria925]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want to be more than friends? If not you need to be crystal clear about lovey texts and physical touch. If you wish to just be friends, you need to step back and cease cuddling, hugs and ILY, etc. That is leading him on unless your goal is to reciprocate an interest in sex/dating.

I don't want to date anyone until college, as I am a high schooler right now. I'm just not sure how to tell him that because he is really sensitive and has trust issues.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, euphoria925 said:

 I'm just not sure how to tell him that because he is really sensitive and has trust issues.

Yes he may be sensitive but he's still a teen male with raging hormones so letting him cuddle is wrong and saying ILY is misleading. Actions speak louder than words. Do not hang out alone or allow physical contact. Keep in mind he may be getting erections while cuddling, so you need to end that.

[euphoria925]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes he may be sensitive but he's still an teen male with raging hormones so letting him cuddle is wrong and saying ILY is misleading. Actions speak louder than words. Do not hang out alone or allow physical contact.

That makes a lot of sense now that I think about it. Thanks for helping!

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, euphoria925 said:

Because of this he has trust issues and is really sensitive.

Him telling you this is manipulation.

1 hour ago, euphoria925 said:

I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable whenever he says ILY but I still say it back bc I dont want to break his trust.

He has targeted you as someone he can manipulate, and it's working.

That's what predators do. They make prey afraid of the consequences if they disobey.

A friend you can speak up around without fear of them having a meltdown, tantrum, or pouring on a guilt trip, is someone you should no longer be friends with.

Sure, you can give him a chance, ONE CHANCE, to improve if you wish, but you will have to be clear and unbending, i.e., "I've decided I'm not comfortable cuddling with friends and saying I love you. I'd prefer it if we don't say this to each other, and no longer cuddle. I'm asking you to respect my wishes."

If he argues and doesn't comply, walk away from the friendship.

If you're so afraid of him that you need the safety of parents, then don't even have that conversation. Start distancing yourself and be too busy to hang out. Or plain say the friendship isn't working for you and block and delete.

In the future, when people come with warning labels, best not to get involved. Take care and let us know how it goes.

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, euphoria925 said:

I just don't know how to tell him about how I feel and tell him about the boundaries I want to set up because he is super sensitive and might react negatively to what I say. I talked to my mom about it and we planned on my mom talking with his mom about it. Then, we are planning on him mom talking with him so he could hopefully receive the message better.

 

I dunno how old are you, but that is way too much complicated. You should learn soon enough to set boundaries by yourself. At college, there wont be your parents fighting your battle, you would have to fend of men yourself. So, just tell him that you like his friendship but that all that ILY and cuddling is crossing a boundary and making you uncomfortable.

[lostandhurt]

First off if you ever feel uncomfortable around someone it is time to take a step back and think only about your safety and your personal boundaries and wishes.  Going off to college there will be plenty of guys trying to sneak their way into your bed any way they can and I hate to say this but it seems like this guy is trying to slow walk you into being his gf.

 Knowing your boundaries is important but enforcing them is even more important and it is time to have a talk with him.  I don't care if he is gay or straight, sensitive or tough if you feel uncomfortable then it needs to stop.

I think you should be the one to talk to him about this and leave your parents out of it for now.  Make sure moms is around in the house when you do have the talk though...

 Lost

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

"I've decided I'm not comfortable cuddling with friends and saying I love you. I'd prefer it if we don't say this to each other, and no longer cuddle. ..."

Yep, this is what I'd say. If he responds negatively, that's on him, not you.

Don't play.

 

[Cherylyn]

Leave the mothers out of it.  They shouldn't interfere.

Tell him the truth.  Tell him no more hugs and cuddles and no more "I love you's" between you two.  Tell him that you only want friendship with enforced, healthy boundaries.  Don't care how sensitive he is.  It's not good to lead him on.  Change your behavior, have a discussion with him and then see where this goes.  Hopefully, he's mature enough to readjust and focus on non-physical, non-ILY friendship. 

Also, back off.  Don't hang out with him excessively.  Most friends give each other time and space.  Don't smother and suffocate each other with too much togetherness. 

Be 100% honest in order to change the dynamic to strictly friendship.  And, don't be with him a lot.  Generally friends get together time permitting because most people are very busy with school, jobs, sports, households, etc.   

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, euphoria925 said:

He is also a pretty physical person and likes hugs and cuddles and stuff like that.

Also don't justify his touching you with "well he is a physical person".  I am a person who gets irritated more easily than my husband does at "small stuff" and I "feel like" venting/complaining - but I choose not to react by verbalizing my irritation when we are together as a family because I don't want to spread my negative energy. 

I will go to significant lengths not to act on my desire to vent or express including walking away if I can.  So can your friend.  He might enjoy being physical and desire it with you and he can choose not to act on that desire by keeping his hands to himself. 

My son used to like to play with my hair or pat my head in affection while I was bending over trying to gather packages at the door and I told him I did NOT like that kind of touch at that time and it did not matter that he felt like playing with my hair at that moment. This way he learned also in general not to assume someone wants to be touched just because he feels like it.  

It's really really important to show people that it's not ok to intrude on your personal space including by touch by either telling them or literally placing an obstacle -like your hand as a stop sign or turning your body away.  It should take only once, and only one polite gesture or quick "please stop" with a person who cares about your feelings.  

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Leave the mothers out of it.  They shouldn't interfere.

I agree. If you're not mature enough to handle a direct conversation in your own relationships, then consider this an opportunity to build that kind of social musculature.

In my private opinion, still having your mother handle your social life issues reaches a point of causing more harm than good after maybe the age of 12.

[boltnrun]

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