ACTIONS SHOULD HAVE CONSEQUENCES..

[Dinkydaunow]

 

My wife and I are in disagreement on how to handle an incident involving her 42 year old son. He came over a couple of days ago and demanded something that could potentially jeopardize his probation. At first my wife agreed we should not do something that might put him in prison. But he got to badger her (I wasn't in the room with them) and she folded.  I did not....when I continued to deny his request he responded by calling me a lot of unacceptable things and deeds....then underscored his comments by throwing a recently purchased taco at me.  Quick for my age I ducked and it decorated the front door rather than me. 
I'm pretty pissed and feel throwing food crossed a line. While she agrees that he misbehaved she disagrees about requiring an apology. Saying she can't force him to apologize is skirting the issue. That's true...she can't..Iaccept that.... But not taking some kind of action to try to make him be accountable. I'm left feeling disrespected by both of them and apparently expected to deal with it while I see it as enabling him to try allowing me to be his doormat.
This is a learning experience I think I need some help with. I am not necessarily asking to judge whether right or wrong. I'm asking for thoughts on how I might handle something I see as grossly unfair.

[Batya33]

I would tell wife.  "He attempted to assault me.  I understand you cannot force him to apologize.  I am not comfortable having him in our home again unless he apologizes and explains how he is going to make sure he never throws things in our home and/or tries to harm me. I'm entitled to feel safe in my own home."

[SooSad33]

Wow, so some aggression happening? 😕 

Sadly, yeah is common for the 'mother' to fold as she's the nurturer.  She may feel obligated to 'help' her son.

As for his behaviour..... maybe he should consider some prof help, like therapy.

Is good of you to keep your cool in this.  No good if 2 parties lose it.

I have experienced some attitude from one of mine as well for a time being until he moved out of here & in with friends.  I feel he's frustrated ... but need to 'learn' better ways to 'vent' his frustrations & not lose it on family or anyone else.

Maybe just let this one slide, but the 2 of you, or maybe even just her suggest he consider some sort of therapy - as his behaviour is concerning!

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Dinkydaunow said:

Saying she can't force him to apologize is skirting the issue. That's true...she can't..Iaccept that.... But not taking some kind of action to try to make him be accountable.

I agree with you, OP. 

What sort of action would you like to see her take? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Dinkydaunow said:

He came over a couple of days ago and demanded something that could potentially jeopardize his probation. 

What was he in prison for? Get a restraining order against him so he can't show up at the house.

[Coily]

I’m very curious what he was asking for that would violate his probation. Nothing super specific needed as an answer.

First and foremost I think it’s important to have communication with your wife about this behavior of his. Since she caved in to his bullying, and not seeing him as the aggressor in this; she needs to see you have a firm line in the sand. Otherwise she has foolishly placed herself between the two conflicting parties; and unfortunately has consequences to handle as well; she needs to understand that.

Now I am not going to say run out and get a restraining order; as your wife will obliviously help him violate it to care for her son. Unfortunately disengagement is the first order of action, when he shows up you leave and don’t return until he is long gone.  If he mooches your TV, disconnect it or use a child lock code. Your home should be inconvenient to him.

Now the subtle things are mentioned, the fact he is demanding something that could violate his parole; I would not hesitate to keep tabs on this for his Parole officer. He doesn’t seem to have a care about the terms of his parole, let alone the boundaries of others.  He wants to throw tacos? Well he can when he gets processed at the jail.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Dinkydaunow said:

throwing a recently purchased taco at me.  Quick for my age I ducked and it 

Both you and your wife must realize elder abuse is a crime, right? Don't expect ex-cons to apologize. Don't allow him to disturb your wife or you in your home. She can visit him at the halfway house or whatever was set up by his probation arrangements. Is he still using drugs?

[smackie9]

let me guess...he asked for alcohol or some drugs? or money for drugs? If so your wife needs a kick in the pants for enabling him. 

[catfeeder]

Did son ask for something that wife can give to him without your permission or your signature?

My biggest concern would be less about son violating his own parole, but rather about him taking your wife down with him, or harming either one of you or both of you.

Instead of being angry with wife, I would show her compassion because it would be easier to reach her from that angle.

I would NOT make it a power struggle that puts her on the point choose sides. That's irrelevant right now, because wife may not comprehend the gravity of your son's abusive behavior. Instead, I would appeal to her with your own fears FOR HER and for the safety of both of you.

The point of reaching wife is to prevent her from going behind your back to do something dangerous. However, on my own, I would take several steps: 1) I'd immediately contact your local Domestic Violence Agency, or a Domestic Violence Hotline on the Internet (open 24/7) for a referral to protective resources, 2) I would immediately file for a restraining order against son, and 3) I would report son's behavior to his parole officer.

Son is not rational, he is likely to harm someone, and you and wife are not safe with him in his current state--which will not blow over. The problem is likely to escalate.

I hope you'll stay in touch here and let us know you're okay.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Dinkydaunow said:

 

My wife and I are in disagreement on how to handle an incident involving her 42 year old son. 

There's three things you need to do. You nor your wife should be aiding and abetting a criminal. It's her son's, not your responsibility to keep himself out of prison. You should have called the police rather than getting into a food fight with an ex-con.

If he shows up again, call the police.

1. Install a video home security system. Alert your friends and family about it.

2. Get a restraining order against him. It's her son but he is being intimidating and abusive to both of you.

3. Read up on elder abuse. Contact your local  HHS agency about it:

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/elder-abuse

 

 

[Dinkydaunow]

I didn't respond to answers because I didn't know what to say except that there was a lot of good advice....much appreciated....so I've made a decision...this won't stay this way long. I didn't want to give ultimatums but boundaries have been crossed,  walked all over. it's almost Christmas but without drastic change I won't remain after the holidays.

[Andrina]

How long have you two been married? Is it your wife's house you've been living in?

As for me, I wouldn't have cared anything about an apology, although I would thoroughly expect a spouse to say an abusive grown child is no longer allowed in the house.

If that didn't happen, yes I'd vacate the home if it belonged to someone other than me. Take care.