Girlfriend angry - blended family not going as planned

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I don't need a relationship.  I need to be a good dad.  I'll take the relationship if it brings me joy, not anxiety.

We'll see where it goes.  I did the whole "comforting her" routine before she left, but yup, she's a game player.

That might motivate you not to "play games" with your kids by letting them get attached -or asking them to be personally involved with -women you date who you are not planning on marrying or being in a long term committed relationship with -marriage-like- soon.  Your kids might tire of you seeming to put your dates first -and it's good you do not want to do that!

[sunday_luthier]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That might motivate you not to "play games" with your kids by letting them get attached -or asking them to be personally involved with -women you date who you are not planning on marrying or being in a long term committed relationship with -marriage-like- soon.  Your kids might tire of you seeming to put your dates first -and it's good you do not want to do that!

I met this woman through a shared hobby.  We became friends, and this evolved romantically over time.  That is why these recent events are opening my eyes and making me very sad.  I thought I knew her better.

We had a new exchange of messages which confirms she's playing mind games ("I'm sorry I made the mistake of making you a priority"...).  This is such a deal breaker.... I'm crossing my fingers she'll realise why this is wrong and we can laugh it off together.  She's a very intelligent woman, and we've even talked about toxic behaviours before, which is why this is so surprising.

I have a work colleague who acted like this with her husband.  He called her out on it and she never did it again.  They now laugh about it together.  

 

[boltnrun]

You're still hoping you can remain in this relationship despite how she treats your children and despite your children not being fond of her?

How do you think this can possibly work?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sunday_luthier said:

"I'm sorry I made the mistake of making you a priority".... 

This comes from a place of hurt, not "game playing". While backhanded, people aren't perfect when it comes to arguments.  Dressing people down by "calling them out" simply escalates the hurt and anger.  If you mean putting her in her place, that isn't going to help matters. Accept your role in involving her too soon in your 'blended family' concept. Let the dust settle. Wait until you're both not so hurt and angry and let cooler heads prevail.

[spinstermanquee]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Let the dust settle. Wait until you're both not so hurt and angry and let cooler heads prevail.

WM2, spoken like a true eNotalone colleague.  Thanks!  I did jump a bit on the game aspect without considering humanity or applying compassion.  Thanks again.  Sunday, still hugs and hope you find the one.

[sunday_luthier]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This comes from a place of hurt, not "game playing". While backhanded, people aren't perfect when it comes to arguments.  Dressing people down by "calling them out" simply escalates the hurt and anger.  If you mean putting her in her place, that isn't going to help matters. Accept your role in involving her too soon in your 'blended family' concept. Let the dust settle. Wait until you're both not so hurt and angry and let cooler heads prevail.

Okay.  I find it hard sometimes to tell the difference.  Maybe I am jumping to conclusions in thinking she is playing games.  I certainly hope she is not. 

I do believe, and now more than ever, that it was indeed too soon to involve her with my family.  It worked the other way around, but the circumstances were different.

I think my daughters and my girlfriend are in a better place now, but it might still be too soon.

I will let the dust settle.  I am in no rush.  After  18 months, this is our first real argument.  Thanks for the wisdom.

 

[Rosestorm]

Try planning a movie night or something with all the kids or a outing all together. I know when my dad got a girlfriend I was wary because I didn't know her a was wondering how to act around her. She had a different way of life than my mom did. Talk to your kids and see how they feel about her. Work things out with them and then talk to your girlfriend. And try to plan an event with all the kids together. If they are comfortable then your girlfriend can be. Also your girlfriend probably doesn't know how to act around them either. Give her some days off then invite her to a simple outing with everything with no strings attached and have everyone do what they like. Then the more time you spend the more loose you get and that starts up things.😃

[tattoobunnie]

Your young daughters should never be made to perform.  And it's not up to your girlfriend to act like a second mother.  I think your expectations that you'd mesh so quickly and effortlessly are over the top and unrealistic.  You are putting way too much pressure too soon.  Regardless of how her kid is with you, 1.5 years is not typical for two families to blend.

Slow your roll.  Don't have her at the house when your kids are there.  Meet at the movies.  Meet a museums.  At the park for hiking.  Axe-throwing.  Things that have you all naturally get to know each other.  Let everyone and you take your time.

[Rosestorm]

Are you getting married? Because if not don't push your kids to bond with her. 

[sunday_luthier]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Your young daughters should never be made to perform.  And it's not up to your girlfriend to act like a second mother.  I think your expectations that you'd mesh so quickly and effortlessly are over the top and unrealistic.  You are putting way too much pressure too soon.  Regardless of how her kid is with you, 1.5 years is not typical for two families to blend.

Slow your roll.  Don't have her at the house when your kids are there.  Meet at the movies.  Meet a museums.  At the park for hiking.  Axe-throwing.  Things that have you all naturally get to know each other.  Let everyone and you take your time.

We have gone on vacation all together twice and things went pretty well.

I asked my daughters what they think of her and if they mind if she comes over.  They said they don't mind doing stuff with her, like go to the park, a restaurant or a concert, which we've also done.  But when I talk about inviting her at home for meals, they're  uncomfortable and ask if it's really necessary...  My eldest also told me "you're going to invite her anyway no matter what I think".

That's when I stopped inviting her.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

My eldest also told me "you're going to invite her anyway no matter what I think".

That's when I stopped inviting her.

Your other thread clarifies the instability of this woman, so I can't understand why you'd even consider trying to bond your daughters with her--in ANY way, shape or form.

She's a flake! Your kids know it, you know it, and it's on you if you continue using such lousy judgment at the expense of your adolescent daughters.

They may never forgive you for this. Do you want that?

[boltnrun]

Kids often see what their parents don't want to see. Kids are not clouded by attraction or the desire for love.

My brother's kids (and the rest of our extended family) saw through his fiancee clearly but he was besotted with her.so.he married her anyway. Now he says he did see but he wanted her so badly he chose to ignore all the bad signs. The result was he had to go through a second divorce that took as long to process as the marriage lasted which was one year. And it cost him a pretty penny.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

 when I talk about inviting her at home for meals, they're  uncomfortable and ask if it's really necessary...  My eldest also told me "you're going to invite her anyway no matter what I think".

Interestingly. Your children and GF were on the same page. You were pushing for too much too soon and your children resented it as well as your GF. 

This was a huge red flag that you weren't tuned into your children's resentment of fast forwarding the relationship and that both your children as well as your GF weren't comfortable with what you wanted.

It doesn't mean the GF is a horrible witch, it means you forced your children to be a "blended family" long before they were ready.

Stepping back and taking some space to regroup and reflect sounds like a great idea.

[Tiddytok5]

You dump her and focus on yourself and children.

 

She doesn't want to be a step mom. She only wants you to be a step father to her children.

 

Dump her.

 

Anyways, you need to remain single for awhile or so. Maybe a 2 years or longer.

 

You just got out of a relationship and rushing into another one.

You're rebounding.

Then in a matter of almost 2 years you've forced this lady, and her children on your children.

 

 

You were wrong for that.

 

Your children are trying to become adjusted and okay with their parents splitting up. They're grieving and processing.

 

Take time off from women. Focus on your children. Focus on yourself. You need to learn how to be comfortable being single.

 

 

Jumping into a relationship right away means you're rebounding and you're uncomfortable with being single.

 

What do you mean what should you do???

 

Never pick  any relationship or woman over your children.

 

 

[Jaunty]

There are at least 2 different aspects of this situation.   One of them is the dynamics of the kids, what's going on for them, and the adults.  

The other obvious one is the personality  of your girlfriend.  The way she handles conflict, etc.   Seems like even without the kid situation, this is not great.  On the other hand, maybe this is down to bad timing and unrealistic expectations on both of your parts.  Too much too soon.

If you really like your girlfriend (not getting that from your posts but you're in a bad place with her so I get how it might not be a complete picture of your relationship at all) I think you need to separate the "blended family" aspect and focus on your relationship, when you don't have your kids and it's possible to do that.

And figure out how to keep the "blended family" pressures low.   It doesn't seem like anyone is exactly thriving in that situation.

[redswim30]

I find it interesting that so many people are jumping down the girlfriend's throat immediately, when we don't necessarily have a full picture of perhaps how his daughters have treated her.  10 and 13 are NOT easy ages to walk into, and they aren't going to treat her the same way they treat their Dad. 

Maybe this isn't the woman for you, and that's fine.   However, I want to tell you something whether you stay with this woman or not, but especially if you ever plan to be in a serious relationship or get married again. 

I say this as a stepparent- Being a stepparent is the hardest job in the world. And if you aren't one, you really don't know just how challenging it can be. I personally feel that it's worth it and I love my step-kids dearly.  However, it took a long period of adjustment to reach that point.  With your girls being the ages they are, that's going to be a tough transition for most women.  Is this the first woman you've dated since the divorce?  Cause that can make a big difference in how the kids respond, too.  If you are dating too soon after your divorce or before you feel your kids have adjusted- then guess what?  That's on YOU, not your GF.

You cannot have the expectation that everyone is going to get along perfectly right off the bat.  That's unrealistic and unfair- not only to your partner, but to your kids as well. 

Some (not all) kids try to "test" a new partner- mine did a bit, but I've talked to other stepparents who went thru much worse or are still going thru it.  (I have a friend who is a stepmom and tries really really hard to be a good stepmom to a 12 year old boy who refuses to look at her or calls her "you"- even though she and his dad have been together for years.  He and his ex (who laughs about it) don't discipline him over this.  And so she is in a no-win position, since no one is willing to tell the boy that it's rude and disrespectful and when she has tried in a calm and patient manner, she's been reprimanded by both parents or told it's not "her place", even as she helps him with homework and makes him dinner) The kids may be rude, act out, treat the new partner as unwelcome in hopes that they can get rid of them or make them uncomfortable.  Sometimes the bio parents either don't see this or are just in denial about it and refuse to see that their kids are creating some of the problems themselves. Or they excuse everything as "well, they are just a kid".  That excuse only holds water for so long and most reasonable adults will get tired of that excuse after enough time has passed. 

Think of your kids on their worst day, now imagine that worst day with someone else's kid that you have to spend the whole day with.  Now imagine that no matter what you do- you are going to be criticized.  If you are perceived as doing "too much" you are "overstepping", if you do nothing, you "don't care", if you try to discipline you "aren't their real parent", and if you let them do whatever they want, you are "overindulging them" and "trying too hard"- you hear from both your partner and the kid's other bio parent.  And even if everything miraculously goes well, you get no credit- it all goes to the bio parent for "raising them right".  You worry about everyone judging you if you aren't perfect. (I had a time where one of the kids was sick and I knocked myself out caring for them, did everything I possibly could to help them feel better, took off work to care for them, and helped them feel better in less than two days- and their mom STILL criticized me for not doing it all the way "she would have".) 

I say all this as someone that went in with the best optimism and intentions. As someone that allowed room for the kids to adjust, and was incredibly patient with them.  As someone who had to get used to the discomfort of his ex and her friends always judging me or looking for ways for me to fail so they could criticize or laugh at me.  I had to get used to hearing stories of when they were a "big happy family".  I had to listen to my husband sometimes be in denial about his kids bad behavior (even if it wasn't directed at me).  Or my husband and his ex not understanding why I didn't immediately think the kids were perfect in every way.  Or my husband sometimes refusing to stand up for me if one of the kids insulted me.  

We've gotten thru it all and we are strong family unit NOW.  But if you think any of that happened overnight, you are SILLY.   I am now told what a great stepmom I am, but it hasn't always been an easy road.  And I will be honest with you- in the beginning, I wondered if it was really worth it.  I don't know if I would have been able to stick around for someone I didn't love as much as my husband. Or if he hadn't done his best for me, as well.  But we're both imperfect and we both made mistakes- As did the kids, As did his ex.   Blended families aren't perfect and you can't go in with the expectation that ANYONE in the situation will be.  We're all just people doing our best and sometimes we fail. 

Being a stepparent is not for the feint of heart, even with the very best person and in the very best circumstances.  Perhaps you should give your GF a bit of a break, perhaps she really has tried her best.  Maybe she ultimately isn't the one for you.  Just know for the future, that it isn't going to be "super easy" for ANY woman walking into a 10 and 13 year old's household. 

 

[sunday_luthier]

Thank you for all the reactions and input.

We are doing better now, taking baby steps, not rushing anything.  We've had some good talks since.

When I read my first posts, I am a bit ashamed at how I presented my girlfriend.  Yes, there were difficult times, but she is definitely not the selfish shrew I realize I made her out to be.

My eldest daughter and she have started bonding and joking around.

I am inviting my GF over less when my kids are around, but the times she comes over are more fun. 

Baby steps...

Cheers,

 

[Jibralta]

On 2/1/2023 at 9:22 AM, redswim30 said:

Think of your kids on their worst day, now imagine that worst day with someone else's kid that you have to spend the whole day with.  Now imagine that no matter what you do- you are going to be criticized.  If you are perceived as doing "too much" you are "overstepping", if you do nothing, you "don't care", if you try to discipline you "aren't their real parent", and if you let them do whatever they want, you are "overindulging them" and "trying too hard"- you hear from both your partner and the kid's other bio parent. 

As a child of divorced parents, I give anyone who sticks it out as a stepparent a ton of credit! You guys really have to fight for a shred of respect. 

[redswim30]

17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

As a child of divorced parents, I give anyone who sticks it out as a stepparent a ton of credit! You guys really have to fight for a shred of respect. 

THANK YOU for saying this!  It's a VERY tough job.  And yes, we DO!   We have to hear a LOT of " We aren't their REAL parents" all while ACTING like their "real" parents!  I've had to say- " Look.  It's true, I didn't give BIRTH to them and I don't claim to. I'm not trying to "replace" their mom at ALL, in fact I'm the one who has told them to RESPECT their mom.  However, I've sat up at night with them when they've been sick, driven them to and from school, made them every meal there is to make at all hours of the day, dried their tears and held them while they cried, helped with homework, helped them apply to colleges, taken them on vacations and driven them to endless things, had birthday parties for them, graduation parties for them, celebratory dinners with them, treated them to shopping sprees, taken them to buy school supplies, cleaned up their messes (both literally and figuratively),  taken them to the doctor, sat with them in the hospital, visited them when needing cheering up, talking to them on the phone on bad days, calling and texting them and inviting them over on good days, and the list goes on- if you think all of THAT doesn't make me a " real parent" then I don't know what DOES.  

 

[Betterwithout]

FWIW, aside from blending families with teenagers, it's a tough one and all 4 parents have to be on the same page (barely possible sometimes).

Another element can be living in the marital home.   I am very firmly against uprooting children to different cities and different schools, but a new house in the same area can do wonders (when the time is right) to establish a "new" family arrangement. 
After my divorce, I could sense awkwardness with my new girlfriends stepping into my marital home. 
I loved my old house, it was perfect.  But selling it did wonders for me mentally and also my new wife and likely my children welcomed the change very much.

[Jibralta]

On 2/3/2023 at 12:41 PM, redswim30 said:

THANK YOU for saying this!  It's a VERY tough job.  And yes, we DO!   We have to hear a LOT of " We aren't their REAL parents" all while ACTING like their "real" parents!

You're welcome! I think that's really absurd and counterproductive. I mean, my sister and I loved it because it meant there were adults we didn't have to listen to. But in retrospect, I see how foolish our parents were for teaching us that respecting a relationship partner was optional!