Sick of trying and getting hurt

[A_bloke]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree divorce is an option if she refuses marriage counseling. 

It definitly is, but one I cant say I want to take part in. My kids are everything and this is from my own experience of being that kid. Maybe her knowing this is why she holds that much power instead of holding a level headed head. 

[A_bloke]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You can make a choice. Hold onto your false "hope", or choose to have a better, healthier and happier life on your own, while giving your children the chance to see what a contented, happy father looks like. Right now you're not only sentencing yourself to a lifetime of misery but you're very possibly setting up your kids to have the same fate.

You are right, i just dont know how in this time. I have become co dependant and dislike this about myself. I have no idea where to start and look into. 

[boltnrun]

57 minutes ago, A_bloke said:

You are right, i just dont know how in this time. I have become co dependant and dislike this about myself. I have no idea where to start and look into. 

I'm a divorced mother.

First, contact an attorney or solicitor for advice only. You are not filing for divorce, you are just asking for legal advice regarding custody, support and finances. Make it clear you just want a picture of the legal aspects of legal separation IF you were to divorce.

Second, individual counseling. Don't ask your wife for permission. Just find a provider and schedule an initial appointment. Again, this is just so you have an outside perspective. Someone who is not emotionally involved and has no personal interest in the outcome of your marriage. 

And finally, work with your therapist or do some research on how to not react when your wife tries to push your buttons. She does much of what she does because she enjoys watching you fall apart. So don't. When she says hurtful things try to react by saying something neutral such as "I see" or "understood". Google "grey rock method". No matter how hurt, angry or upset you might be, do NOT give her a reaction. This is key.

And try to remember that you are a good person even when she tells you you're not. Be the loving father you always are and take pride in the things you accomplish.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

First, contact an attorney or solicitor for advice only. You are not filing for divorce, you are just asking for legal advice regarding custody, support and finances. Make it clear you just want a picture of the legal aspects of legal separation IF you were to divorce.

Yes, I hope you'll please take Bolt's suggestion to obtain legal advice on all of your options, as well as the best steps you 'could' take for each option.

From there, you can process this knowledge and operate based on real information rather than on emotions alone. You can make decisions, only when you want to, fully informed.

This doesn't obligate you to do anything you don't want to do, but it can remove enough mystery to avoid making assumptions and mistakes.

Having knowledge in your pocket is never a bad thing, and it can provide a mental safety net that could allow you to feel less trapped. You could form alternate plans that you can solidify over time so that they are available to put in place should you ever opt to do that.

[Batya33]

Your habit isn’t hope - you’ve adopted a habit of passivity. Hope is when from a position of confidence you make a plan and hope for the best and expect the worst. You do all the actions that increase chances of success and you accept that certain things are not in our control but you put hope in the fact you did all you could. You’re not doing all you can because you keep attempting the same unsuccessful action over and over again and lying to yourself that this time it will be different.  

If your child kept getting the wrong answer in a math worksheet because she subtracted instead of divided would you advise her to keep subtracting and hope it came out ok or would you tell her she has to learn how to divide in order to increase the chance of getting a right answer ?

 If she told you she was worried she’d have an ear infection and wouldn’t be able to go to her friend’s party would you tell her just to “hope” she felt fine or perhaps “we hope you can go and how about make sure you get enough sleep this week and do other things to boost your immune system?”

dont allow yourself to dress up passivity in notions of “hope” to justify sticking around. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. 

[JohnLee]

16 hours ago, A_bloke said:

I dont know what life without her would look like, to me its an unknown. When we moved in together we both moved out from our parents(parent for me) for the first time. Ill admit this is a place she has complete power/control over me and I am pretty sure she knows this. Its the type of "brutally functioning" home she came from. 
I fundamentaly dont agree on custody battles of kids with divorce, it screws up that generation and I want nothing more than to break tht cycle.

My first wife had a gambling problem and I put up with it for so long because I thought I wanted to keep the family together for my daughter. I also tried to fix my wife by taking her to Therapists and Gambling Anonymous which is an organization that helps gambling addicts. It was useless and I have learned that you can't fix people. Deep down, it was my fear of being alone and keeping the same horrible life situation was better than freedom which was unknown and terrifying. Friends and family told me to end the relationship but I resisted. My wife was in troubles and it is my job to rescue her.. "in sickness and health for richer or poorer"...  I lived through periods of extreme anxiety because my ex was gambling and putting us into debts. Finally, I hit bottom as I was "sick of trying and getting hurt" and found the courage to file for divorce when my daughter was 2 and I won the right to have my daughter living with me on weekdays. The day that I moved out, it was so liberating. 3-year of stress and pain was lifted from my shoulders. No one deserves to live in constant stress and resentment. Now my 10 year old daughter is a mentally and physically healthy, gifted student, with many friends. She stays with her mom on weekends and I think she will be fine.

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, A_bloke said:

I fundamentaly dont agree on custody battles of kids with divorce, it screws up that generation and I want nothing more than to break tht cycle.

Custody doesn't have to be a battle.  Custody arrangements is about the deciding what is best for the children.  The abuse she shows you is what she will do to the kids when you may not have them.  Sorry, you didn't have the best time during your folks divorce, but if that is the only reason why you stay, then, sorry man, you are just as selfish having your kids watch.  This is becoming their normal.  How you  are treated is how they believe someone should be treated.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

This is becoming their normal.  How you  are treated is how they believe someone should be treated.

Yes, unfortunately, your kids are likely to adopt either role of aggression or passivity, and they will believe that this is how people normally behave.

This is why learning your legal options is important, because you cal learn about alternatives to remaining as the model of a punching bag to your children--and your wife may learn something in the process, as well.

Even if you don't divorce her, you can raise the option of marriage counseling or separation. You'll be more likely to stand your ground when you know your legal rights and options as well as how you can use the law to negotiate the best possible outcomes for your children.

Stagnating in this vat of horrors is NOT a good outcome for them.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/22/2022 at 8:12 PM, A_bloke said:

I dont know what life without her would look like, to me its an unknown. When we moved in together we both moved out from our parents(parent for me) for the first time. Ill admit this is a place she has complete power/control over me and I am pretty sure she knows this. Its the type of "brutally functioning" home she came from. 
I fundamentaly dont agree on custody battles of kids with divorce, it screws up that generation and I want nothing more than to break tht cycle.

Since you are vehemently against divorce, you'll have to pick your battles. 

The best place to start is by going back to your physician and getting the depression appropriately treated.

The next is to cease trying to "run a tight ship". You seem quite irritable and hateful. These could also be signs of your untreated depression and poor decision to just quit medical treatment.

You're focused on trying to fix, change and control her. To make her this perfect hausfrau. Well that's a power struggle you'll never win, since you knew she's disorganized and messy for as long as you've known her.

You'll need to focus on your own mental wellbeing and health, rather than staying caught up in this power struggle.

Since you both feel the other should be doing more, why won't you hire a cleaning service and babysitters? Start by finding neutral outside services to start taking the "who should do what and when" conflict out of the equation. 

You'll have to start picking your battles and work on your contempt and resentment. Do this for yourself and your kids. The chaos you and your wife's discord is generating is not doing anyone any good.

 

[sunday_luthier]

On 11/23/2022 at 2:19 AM, A_bloke said:

You are right, i just dont know how in this time. I have become co dependant and dislike this about myself. I have no idea where to start and look into. 

Yes, that exactly what you are : co dependant.

My story is not the same as yours, but my wife's attitude was very much like yours.  Over the years, in my own house, she treated me more and more poorly, had me sleeping in the attic, set the table for herself and the kids (when she cooked, which was rare), looked down on me and my hobbies (while other people were really impressed with my woodworking skills), told me things like "people think you're nice, but I know who you REALLY are!". She made me think I was lucky to have someone like her in my life to actually stand me.

And then, one day I put my foot down.

I told her the way she treated me was unacceptable and that, one way or another, it was going to change.

She told me she had grown out of love for me for a long time and wanted to leave our relationship.  I was devastated.  She planned to move out 6 months later (those months were horrible).  But I did not try to change her mind.  Right before moving out she said "you know, I changed my mind.  I don't think I want to leave anymore".  

I knew right then I could have simply told her to stay, but I told her there was no going back.  She left.  Good riddance.

But I have to admit that after she left, it took many months of feeling lonely and miserable to realize I was much better off without her.

[A_bloke]

On 11/23/2022 at 1:16 PM, boltnrun said:

I'm a divorced mother.

First, contact an attorney or solicitor for advice only. You are not filing for divorce, you are just asking for legal advice regarding custody, support and finances. Make it clear you just want a picture of the legal aspects of legal separation IF you were to divorce.

Second, individual counseling. Don't ask your wife for permission. Just find a provider and schedule an initial appointment. Again, this is just so you have an outside perspective. Someone who is not emotionally involved and has no personal interest in the outcome of your marriage. 

And finally, work with your therapist or do some research on how to not react when your wife tries to push your buttons. She does much of what she does because she enjoys watching you fall apart. So don't. When she says hurtful things try to react by saying something neutral such as "I see" or "understood". Google "grey rock method". No matter how hurt, angry or upset you might be, do NOT give her a reaction. This is key.

And try to remember that you are a good person even when she tells you you're not. Be the loving father you always are and take pride in the things you accomplish.

Thanks so much! This is actually really sound advice and ill look into the grey rock method, I strongly feel this is a huge weakness of mine that affects me not only in my relationship but in other aspects of life. I dont like being blamed for defending myself if that makes sense...

[A_bloke]

On 11/24/2022 at 2:10 AM, Batya33 said:

Your habit isn’t hope - you’ve adopted a habit of passivity. Hope is when from a position of confidence you make a plan and hope for the best and expect the worst. You do all the actions that increase chances of success and you accept that certain things are not in our control but you put hope in the fact you did all you could. You’re not doing all you can because you keep attempting the same unsuccessful action over and over again and lying to yourself that this time it will be different.  

If your child kept getting the wrong answer in a math worksheet because she subtracted instead of divided would you advise her to keep subtracting and hope it came out ok or would you tell her she has to learn how to divide in order to increase the chance of getting a right answer ?

 If she told you she was worried she’d have an ear infection and wouldn’t be able to go to her friend’s party would you tell her just to “hope” she felt fine or perhaps “we hope you can go and how about make sure you get enough sleep this week and do other things to boost your immune system?”

dont allow yourself to dress up passivity in notions of “hope” to justify sticking around. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. 

Thank you, thats quite constructive and something to think about.

[A_bloke]

On 11/24/2022 at 4:35 AM, JohnLee said:

My first wife had a gambling problem and I put up with it for so long because I thought I wanted to keep the family together for my daughter. I also tried to fix my wife by taking her to Therapists and Gambling Anonymous which is an organization that helps gambling addicts. It was useless and I have learned that you can't fix people. Deep down, it was my fear of being alone and keeping the same horrible life situation was better than freedom which was unknown and terrifying. Friends and family told me to end the relationship but I resisted. My wife was in troubles and it is my job to rescue her.. "in sickness and health for richer or poorer"...  I lived through periods of extreme anxiety because my ex was gambling and putting us into debts. Finally, I hit bottom as I was "sick of trying and getting hurt" and found the courage to file for divorce when my daughter was 2 and I won the right to have my daughter living with me on weekdays. The day that I moved out, it was so liberating. 3-year of stress and pain was lifted from my shoulders. No one deserves to live in constant stress and resentment. Now my 10 year old daughter is a mentally and physically healthy, gifted student, with many friends. She stays with her mom on weekends and I think she will be fine.

Thanks so much for sharing, it puts a bit into persepective. Its really great that you got past the gambling problem! Its something I refuse to do, gamble I mean.

[A_bloke]

On 11/24/2022 at 6:23 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Since you are vehemently against divorce, you'll have to pick your battles. 

The best place to start is by going back to your physician and getting the depression appropriately treated.

The next is to cease trying to "run a tight ship". You seem quite irritable and hateful. These could also be signs of your untreated depression and poor decision to just quit medical treatment.

You're focused on trying to fix, change and control her. To make her this perfect hausfrau. Well that's a power struggle you'll never win, since you knew she's disorganized and messy for as long as you've known her.

You'll need to focus on your own mental wellbeing and health, rather than staying caught up in this power struggle.

Since you both feel the other should be doing more, why won't you hire a cleaning service and babysitters? Start by finding neutral outside services to start taking the "who should do what and when" conflict out of the equation. 

You'll have to start picking your battles and work on your contempt and resentment. Do this for yourself and your kids. The chaos you and your wife's discord is generating is not doing anyone any good.

 

Thanks for the persepctives. I have settled now since getting off the meds and i am glad I did. I must admit you hit the nail on the head there and I didnt see it, depsite my best intentions and desperation I have over time become too focussed on trying to fix what I cant and drifted into an undesired space which clearly has the opposite effect. A bit to think about here. I have been conciously trying different things with conflict resolution, down to the point of retreating and closing the door behind me while she is outside trying to get me to bite and I have been very concious to not take the bait. This is only recent and new to me. Just trying to work out how to find a neutral path of communication but she is impossible to speak to as she constantly buts in and talks over me so  cannot even say what I need no matter how much I try. There is definitly resentment between us, only difference is I feel I am trying to catch it and not act on it while she is still fuelling off her own. Im trying and definitly appreciative of this forum and everyones responses. I cant say that i could have imagined so many perspectives and advice as I have received here. Im grateful.

[A_bloke]

On 11/28/2022 at 9:49 AM, sunday_luthier said:

Yes, that exactly what you are : co dependant.

My story is not the same as yours, but my wife's attitude was very much like yours.  Over the years, in my own house, she treated me more and more poorly, had me sleeping in the attic, set the table for herself and the kids (when she cooked, which was rare), looked down on me and my hobbies (while other people were really impressed with my woodworking skills), told me things like "people think you're nice, but I know who you REALLY are!". She made me think I was lucky to have someone like her in my life to actually stand me.

And then, one day I put my foot down.

I told her the way she treated me was unacceptable and that, one way or another, it was going to change.

She told me she had grown out of love for me for a long time and wanted to leave our relationship.  I was devastated.  She planned to move out 6 months later (those months were horrible).  But I did not try to change her mind.  Right before moving out she said "you know, I changed my mind.  I don't think I want to leave anymore".  

I knew right then I could have simply told her to stay, but I told her there was no going back.  She left.  Good riddance.

But I have to admit that after she left, it took many months of feeling lonely and miserable to realize I was much better off without her.

Certainly some similarities, not gona lie. Your first paragraph though, I hav ealso has other people tell me how smart i am and how i know so much etc. Lately it feels as though she is not getting the attention she thinks deserves and is trying to trigger me to get it. All she has to do is drop her *** and be a nice person, thats all... Ill work on myself first. I really appreciate you sharing...