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[Inmy Feelings]

Hey,

I wanna be transparent here, am a little conscious of judgement 🙈.

Okay, let me try to cut this down. I have a very good friend of 4 years. He is in an open relationship. We went there once in the beginning but I decided not to go there again and we have remained platonic. Anyway recently a flirty text from him led to things becoming confusing again. At first we sexted back and forth, but now I have been avoiding him as I'm overcome with emotions I don't know how to process. I believe I have feelings that I kinda knew were there all along but didn't realise how serious they were. I'm confused how to proceed because ultimately, my friendship is very important to me and I don't want to lose him completely.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Inmy Feelings said:

We went there once in the beginning but I decided not to go there again and we have remained platonic. Anyway recently a flirty text from him led to things becoming confusing again. At first we sexted back and forth, but now I have been avoiding him as I'm overcome with emotions I don't know how to process. 

Sorry this is happening. How do you know him? Do you work together? Are either of you married/living with someone? Does he want to be  "just" friends? 

 Unfortunately his situation seems too complicated to be platonic friends with him.

[Inmy Feelings]

He is in an open unmarried relationship. I am single. We have both respected our differing lifestyles for years and always got along fine without awkwardness. I didn't even consciously think of him in that way until the flirty text he sent about a month ago, which seems to have opened up something that subconscious may have been there all along.

We haven't had a completely open chat about how I/he totally feels as such. I'm not sure what to say as like I said, I don't wanna lose the friendship by saying too much while I'm confused about all this.

[Kwothe28]

"Open relationship" is a code for "I want to cheat from time to time without hiding from my partner". You would still be just a casual sex to him. Which is fine if you are both up to it. But you have a feelings there. You would only get hurt when he sleeps with you and then pretends nothing happened and gets back to his partner. So dont do those types of arrangements when you have a feelings involved there.

[_disturbing]

1 hour ago, Inmy Feelings said:

but I decided not to go there again

Why did you decide not to go there again, back in the beginning?

Is that reason still valid?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Inmy Feelings said:

He is in an open unmarried relationship. I am single. which seems to have opened up something that subconscious may have been there all along.

Unfortunately love triangles often end in headaches and heartaches. Step back. Date men who are interested in an exclusive relationship. You can be great friends with many people and have a BF who is true to you.

[Inmy Feelings]

Thanks for the responses- I'm gonna try to respond to all in one.

It's difficult to explain, I'll try my best. We didn't go there straight away in the beginning- We had spent time together a few times prior. He was more affectionate than sexual (and still is) so even when we did hookup, I felt it in a deeper way. That was why I shut it down. It is more or less the same thing now (although nothing has gone beyond texts). And I'm feeling those deep feelings again which I hadn't anticipated on. I know it sounds silly but minus all that, we have had a solid friendship for years.

My dilemma is, now that this has resurfaced, how do I view/approach him? Going back to being just friendly is proving almost impossible now.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Inmy Feelings said:

My dilemma is, now that this has resurfaced, how do I view/approach him? Going back to being just friendly is proving almost impossible now.

Step way back. Free yourself from him. Find a man who wants a GF, not a side dish. He's not a real friend if he's with someone and hooks up with you. Once you distance yourself an get out of the fog, you'll see that he is hurting you for his own pleasure.. He's not a good friend.

[Batya33]

I would avoid all non platonic contact with him and do not settle for a sexual arrangement where you are a pretty thing on the side when you have real feelings for him. It’s not confusing and don’t tell yourself it is.
Here’s what is simple and clear :  you want a romantic relationship with him. He doesn’t want one with you.  He wants a sexual arrangement. You want two different things. Being with him sexually is a bad idea. 

[Coily]

Here’s the way I look at these situations. Once sex is on the table the friendship is gone. In 90% of the time the emotional roller coaster of sex has started and there is no stopping to politely get off.

it isn’t going to be rosy, but you need to find someone compatible with your lifestyle.  
 

This lack of a mature discussion draws things out, time to pull up your courage and be honest with what you really want; and then compare that with the scraps you have been offered.

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, Inmy Feelings said:

We went there once in the beginning but I decided not to go there

So if you found a great guy to date, if he was friends with someone like what you've mentioned in the above quote, would you be okay with that? Like Coily mentioned, once you crossed the line, even if it never happened again, that changes things. Especially as in your heart you lust for him and probably fantasize what it would be like to be monogamous with him. There's no way you can properly bond with an available man when you're staying in contact with someone you have a crush on. A new man in your life would walk to the nearest exit when he found out who your buddy is.

3 hours ago, Inmy Feelings said:

don't wanna lose the friendship

Adulting is hard. You have to make decisions that are difficult for your own good. Staying friends with this particular guy is sabotaging your happiness. You obviously want someone who is yours alone, so you will have to let this guy know that you two will have to go no contact so you will be emotionally free to date single, available men. You will see he doesn't care at all about what's good for you and will argue the point. Don't be some dumb bubblehead who allows herself to be hooked by the nose by some player you obviously find charming. 

There are other attractive men in the world who are single. Do you think the dating world is hard for you, and if so, why? Do you have a fulfilling life besides having this particular man as a friend?

[catfeeder]

When you put a stop to the sexual part of the relationship, how did you explain that to him then, and how did he respond?

We know what didn't happen: he didn't go back to his partner to break up and become monogamous with you.

Is that what you're hoping for this time?