How do I know whether to end it…Please help

[pmw06092016]

So I have 2 small children and I left their dad 2 years ago, my choice, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I felt I had to do it for me and my children. It was lots of little reasons. He lied to me about things including a secret child he had who he has never wanted a relationship with. He had a problem with drink, narcissistic traits, never helped me with the kids and just was generally not a nice guy to me, got violent. I could spend all day telling you stories and but I’m sure you get the gyst. He refused to leave so I just left, went back to my hometown and started over, he still owes me money from the house we shared and he has always been very diluted and controlling when it comes to seeing our children. 

So I have had 3 past relationships including my children's dad, each one was abusive, controling etc, my parents had a bad marriage so I guess I was never around a healthy relationship to know what one looks like. Since having therapy and doing a domestic violence course I’ve learned a lot. Each relationship got a little better and my children's dad when I met him I guess I just thought well no one is perfect so I never picked up on the red flags until I already had 1 child to him.

8 months ago I met someone else…

From day one he has shown me nothing but love, he is always going out of his way doing things to help me and is lovely to my kids too. He always insists on paying when we go out and is always bringing me little treats and for the kids too. I felt like it got quite intense quite quick, not in a sexual way because he never pressured me but we did fall quite fast, well we admitted our feelings after 7 weeks. He has really good emotional empathy for me when I’m feeling low too.

Here is my problem… the past few weeks I’ve started to notice and question things and how I feel and I don’t know if it’s because this is a new thing for me, he’s the first guy who has been around my kids, and I’ve never been in a new relationship situation with kids involved.
 

So he has 2 children, he pays £40 per week maintenance which I don’t feel is much considering how much he earns, he does pay for other things for them like he goes half’s on clothing etc and he pays for swimming lessons etc. I’ve never questioned it because I don’t know how to, he did say that her new bloke who she had an affair with behind his back earns plenty, but they are not his kids so not his responsibility.

My 6 year old started off liking him and now doesn’t like him, not sure if her dad is putting stuff in her head or she’s just rebellious or jealous.

I have quite a high sex drive but his is quite low.

He doesn’t seem to brush his teeth in mornings and when I make comments about losing teeth and him brushing them more he gets defensive and says I’ll get false ones which gives me the ick.

I’m into travelling and exotic foods but he’s not at all bothered. He is self employed, I’ve mentioned pensions and he just says “I won’t need a lot of money when I'm retired” but I want to travel when I'm retired and enjoy life but he just is not worried about pensions. He lives in a council house which he does plan on buying soon.

I just feel like I don’t want to be sat in years to come having regrets but I don’t know what I want I'm so confused. I’ve never been with a guy who has made me feel so loved and he always says he would do anything for me, he has a lot of good qualities.

Am I having doubts because of what I’ve been through? Or is it more? I don’t want to throw away something good but I also don’t want to waste any more years.

[Jaunty]

It sounds like you are basically incompatible.  Just because a guy is not an abusive jerk doesn't mean that he's the right man for you.  You're on the right track though - keep steering clear of the abusive jerks.

[pmw06092016]

It’s hard because I do love him and things are good between us, I’ve never actually properly spoken to him about how I feel, maybe I should, I just don’t want to upset him. I know I need to talk to him. I just want to be happy and he does make me happy there are just some things that worry me. But I also accept that nobody is perfect.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like too much too soon. You also seem to be trying to micromanage everything from his oral hygiene to his child support to his retirement plans.

Perhaps this is a rebound for you and you jumped in too quickly. So far the only thing you seem compatible or comfortable with is that he's not abusive. 

You seem quite incompatible. Talking about traveling when you're retired is not relevant at 24 weeks dating when there seems to be so much else wrong.

Slow down, reflect. Try not to expose your children to too much too soon. Try to work out a child support and visitation plan that is best for your children.

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @Jaunty.

It's great that now you know how to spot and leave abusive men. That part of the work is done. However, there are other things that are essential in a relationship as you see and that can make it brake it in there long term. As you're getting to know him more and the hormones have calmed down, you're starting to spot the incompatibilities. It's great you're aware of them knows and can choose what to do aka leave.

Nobody has to be perfect here. You just need to find the right person for you.

[Kwothe28]

Well, after 6 months the period of infatuation starts to fade so you do see the other side properly. So its a good time to reflect and see if you can continue.

I dont think its your business what he pays or not as long as he provides properly and takes care of his kids. And it seems he does. As for other stuff you would have to decide is it a "dealbreaker" or not. For example does he has  bad breath or his teeth hygiene just isnt up to your standard? Because I can see it as dealbreaker if its first. High/low sex drive could be incompatibility. And also one side being more adventurous as oppose to other being more "stoic". So its up to you to decide those stuff are something you can live with or whether you would need somebody more proactive about the life.

[pmw06092016]

It’s definitely not a rebound, me and my ex broke up 2 and a half years ago, I’ve been living alone for 2 years, I made sure I stayed alone for a good amount of time.

My partner didn’t meet my kids for 6 months and my ex well he chooses to only see the kids 1 night every 2 weeks, I’ve tried to get him to see them more.

It’s hard because there’s a lot of positives to this relationship I just want to make sure I get it right because I feel like I’ve wasted so many years on the wrong men. Maybe I’m being too picky, worrying too much too soon. A lot of this is all new to me. Unfortunately I don’t know what the future holds.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, pmw06092016 said:

It’s hard because there’s a lot of positives to this relationship I just want to make sure I get it right because I feel like I’ve wasted so many years on the wrong men.

Yes, but this is your first healthy relationship where you get to the incompatibility stage and get to make a choice without the stress of abuse.

Decide what's a deal-breaker for you and what are incompatibilities that can't mesh for years to come and then make a decision. That's what adults do; make decisions even when they have feelings for someone. That will save you time on the wrong man. Usually between the 6-18 months a lot of people break up because hormones calm down and you can see each other more clearly/realistically. So, it's okay and normal if you choose to let go.

[pmw06092016]

@DarkCh0c0 thank you ❤️ I am an over thinker which doesn’t help, I agree with what you say, I’m just going to have a really good think and maybe chat with him and see how I feel. 

[Andrina]

You can't change a person's sex drive, so no sense in talking about that. IMO, a big difference in libido should be a dealbreaker for anyone. I was once in a one year relationship with a guy who had a low libido, whereas mine is normal. Even if you know you've desirable to a partner, because he doesn't initiate as much as you prefer, your brain argues the point and you feel miserable and frustrated. And then he feels "less than" when he senses this misery and frustration from his partner. It never gets better and will often get worse.

As far as nobody being perfect, it's wiser to consider what are must-haves for you and what are dealbreakers. If someone being loosey-goosey with retirement plans gives you too much anxiety, make financial stability in present day and retirement planning be one of those items on your must-have list.

Maybe making a list of everything will help you know yourself better and will be more concrete than saying "nobody's perfect." Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[smackie9]

This "nobody's perfect" that's an excuse that has kept getting you into trouble. Stop it. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. This is why we date...to see what they are like, and if they actually will keep us fulfilled for a lifetime. This guy will not. There are incompatibilities, and deal breakers...that's right deal breakers that you should learn to accept. Lack of sex drive, your child not liking him, poor oral hygiene, lack of financial ambition are all deal breakers. Just because they treat you right doesn't mean they are the right person for you. We have had so many in your situation come here to post, and it's the same song and dance, they go for the first guy that isn't a jerk, but they are not the right person/try to make it work anyways...you are half way there, the guy isn't abusive (check), next step is having solid compatibility( no check). Time to keep looking. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This "nobody's perfect" that's an excuse that has kept getting you into trouble. Stop it. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. This is why we date...to see what they are like, and if they actually will keep us fulfilled for a lifetime. This guy will not. There are incompatibilities, and deal breakers...that's right deal breakers that you should learn to accept. Lack of sex drive, your child not liking him, poor oral hygiene, lack of financial ambition are all deal breakers. Just because they treat you right doesn't mean they are the right person for you.

...you are half way there, the guy isn't abusive (check), next step is having solid compatibility( no check). Time to keep looking. 

🏆🏆🏆 @pmw06092016 please read this again and again until you feel you can do it. You've checked he's not abusive, but it doesn't mean he's right for you. And please remember when making decisions that you have to consider that he is his best version today. Don't think of "what if" tomorrow X. What you have seen from him so far is what you'll always get. So there's no use of talking your daughter into liking him, asking him to "change" sex drive, ect. Make sure you do the decision with what you have today. You got this 💚

[Tinydance]

I also agree with what someone else said, that just because someone is a nice person and not abusive doesn't automatically mean that they're the right person for you. In fact most people are not abusive and usually most people are nice in the sense they're a good/decent person. 

Sometimes if you're not truly into someone, you subconsciously start finding things that are wrong with them. Whereas when you are actually really into someone, you turn a blind eye to bad things about them because "love is blind". I'm guessing this is what happened with your children's father.

The things you mentioned about your partner don't necessarily sound bad in and of themselves. I think there are people who only brush their teeth once a day. I've known people like that. If your partner's breath doesn't smell and he doesn't have bad teeth then it mustn't affect him. Does he brush his teeth in the evening? 

I don't think there's anything wrong if he's not into travelling and exotic foods. What is important though is that you have a few things in common. Like, at least some hobbies and interests that you can do together. You won't actually have everything in common with any person you date so I don't think it's realistic to expect that.

Your daughter is a 6-year-old so she might just not like your boyfriend because she's a kid and she doesn't like her mother paying attention to a new guy in her life.

I think you do need to think about how you actually FEEL. That's the most important thing here. If you're just not into this guy then it is what it is.

I get the impression though that maybe you're actually trying to find something wrong. You're worrying about his retirement pension but you've only been together eight months. Also you can't change someone so if he enjoys being self employed then that's his choice. He does have a job and he can do what he likes in life. He doesn't have to love travelling just because you want him to or get a new job because you want him to.

You have to like him for who he is. If you don't that's OK but this is him.

[tattoobunnie]

11 hours ago, pmw06092016 said:

I have quite a high sex drive but his is quite low.

He doesn’t seem to brush his teeth in mornings

I’m into travelling and exotic foods but he’s not at all bothered. 

It is a high sex drive, or do you need the adrenaline from being in years and years of abusive relationships to feel you are loved?  How often do you have sex or masturbate?

Does his breath smell?  How's his teeth?  Does he floss?

Exotic foods and traveling?  Do you invite him to places, and let him know where to expect your next adventure together.  

Sounds like you are looking for drama or the other shoe to drop, so you nitpick.  Which is a product of fear of commitment - reason being PTSD from previous relationships.  Nothing wrong with taking more time get back to yourself.

[pmw06092016]

Thank you everyone, @Tinydance yes this is all true what your saying, he is a lovely guy who is good to me, lovely to my kids, he is very like me personality wise and he has all the main qualities I want which is why I’m finding it hard to figure out where my heads at.

From what other parents in my situation have said it seems that most kids my child’s age can be jealous of mums new partner.

I just need to figure out how I feel and what everything means, I think my head has been so messed up from other things and other men I just don’t know what to think. But I also know that I’ve got to make sure I’m happy with the person I’m with and not just settle. Christmas coming up is a very weird time too I feel like it makes it all harder. I just wish adult life was not so hard at times. 

[SooSad33]

Looks like you've got a LOT of really good advice!

Yes, it can be a real challenge when you kinda feel 'stuck' and unsure of yourself 😕 .

So, you've got some different angles to look at in all of this.

For sure, every relationship is different.  Aspects like respect, communication, whether you truly mesh, etc.  And yes, expectations and your energy.

As mentioned, it has only been 8 mos, but yes, you are beginning to see things that are starting to 'bother' you.  As is normal after a period of time.  And yeah, this is him & how he is and you know you can't change him -- but can you accept how he is.

And is it worth continuing this because he such a 'nice guy'?  Do you continue trying with him....

In ways, I feel you reached out here because you are so confused on what to do... but in ways, I also feel you did so, because inside you do feel this just may not be for you?

It is all okay if you don't feel this is for you.  You are allowed to bow out of something like this.. It happens all the time.

There's plenty of fish in the sea 😉 .

And hey, if you feel that maybe you need a little more time on your own - if you feel you're just not quite up to par, then take that down time until you do feel okay again.  Nothing ever wrong with being single a while. 

As for Xmas, you've still got about 5 weeks.  So, sit back a cpl more days & think on all you've read.  Do what's best for YOU!  😉 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you've been love-bombed, and it's probably not the best idea to introduce ANY lover to your kids before you're entirely sure that he's a keeper. It teaches them that adult relationships are disposable.

The killer for me would be not brushing teeth. Speaking only for myself, I couldn't stand that.