Me and my girlfriend of 1 year having problems with our sex life.

[LJ04]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year now.
I helped her out of a s**ty relationship where she had many problems with manipulation and all types of abuse. She has trauma for it which is completely understandable and I always make sure she knows that her reasons are 100% valid.
Ever since we’ve been together she’s told me about things we would do sexually and that we’re going to do things on certain nights and it doesn’t. We haven’t had sex yet. The reason for it is her trauma which is completely fair but I can’t help myself from struggling with it. I try to explain to her about why I get annoyed and frustrated about it but I don’t know if I should be at times as her reaction is usually anger.
She is getting help but sometimes skips things related to it and I don’t know what to do because I love her so much but I feel like I’m in a very difficult and confusing situation and almost like I’m losing her.

I just need some advice about what to do

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, LJ04 said:

I try to explain to her about why I get annoyed and frustrated about it but I don’t know if I should be at times as her reaction is usually anger

Sorry this is happening. If she is traumatized and you are frustrated this is going to create conflict. She's not the right person for you, if you want a robust sex life right now. 

You're not handling it well because you're incompatible. You seem to feel entitled to sex  she seems unable to have sex at this time.  Set each other free peacefully and let each other go rather than wearing each other out.

[DarkCh0c0]

Annnd that's why you don't date someone who has just been out of a relationship, specially an abusive one.

She has a lot of baggage to go through and process. She needs to be single and heal. She's blocked sexually because she's blocked emotionally due to trauma. However, she has to decide to help herself. Nothing you can really do here.

It's time for you to decided if this is a deal breaker for you and make a tough call. You are not her therapist, remember that. So ask yourself if you would stay considering that what you see today is the best version of herself.

[Kwothe28]

I knew a girl in college. Her first boyfriend tried to rape her so she had traumas from that, to the point she wouldnt even date anyone. Heavy stuff, dunno if she ever got over that.

Anyway, she is "blueballing" you. Hoping it would be enough to satisfy your lust. Instead of maybe working on her trauma and having a healthy sex life. Its on you if you can accept sexless life there. You are not obligated to stay with somebody if that somebody doesnt want to work on things.

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though she's trying to pacify you with promises because she feels pressured.

You 'helped' her to leapfrog from her abusive relationship straight into one with you, and that's too much, too soon.

Rebounding is something perfectly healthy people often suffer if they jump straight into a new relationship without stabilizing on their own, first. Add trauma to that, and you've got yourself a real mess.

If you're not prepared to back off sexually, then you'll both pay a stressful price for that before she leaves you.

[JohnLee]

Watch out for yourself and leave her. My wife had a very bad childhood which I didn't learn about until we have had 2 children. Traumatized people are very difficult to live with and required a lot of work.

You need to be with a relatively mentally healthy person and she is not it. It is NOT your job to take care of her. You can't fix her. Think of yourself first.

[Andrina]

On 11/15/2022 at 3:03 PM, LJ04 said:

She is getting help but sometimes skips things related to it

I don't know what this means.

Regardless, people with emotional baggage shouldn't begin new relationships until they have ridden themselves of it. It's not fair to a new partner, and it's mentally too straining on the one with baggage to have to meet all of a partners needs, but are unwilling to do so because of trauma.

Love does not conquer all. In your shoes, I'd tell her you can't live like this anymore and wish her well. I also might tell her if the day comes when she is fully ready to be in a relationship that includes intimacy, that she can reach out and if I'm single, we can meet to discuss reconciling.

Of course, you don't know how she'll respond, so hold back on that if she's too angry.

In any case, go no contact for closure, and don't hold out hope she will every heal. It may never happen. You will probably feel guilty even though you shouldn't. You can't be a sacrificial lamb and stay with someone who is incapable of meeting your needs. Take care.

[moodindigo91]

On 11/15/2022 at 12:32 PM, DarkCh0c0 said:

Annnd that's why you don't date someone who has just been out of a relationship, specially an abusive one.

Yes, a hundred percent agree with this. She is not ready to be in a relationship, nor should she be right now. She should be facing her trauma, healing from her abuse, and finding her individuality instead.