Unhappy with wife's messages

[mixedupmind]

 

About a year ago I started looking at my wife's phone because i was concerned about her having feelings for her personal trainer. Nothing serious but just fancying etc. Saw a few things which didn't like - selfies etc she had sent. She found out about me doing this and was really angry at me. I sought counselling as think this all stemmed from some kind of deep-rooted insecurity on my part.

 

However, yesterday I read another message she had sent this guy after i picked up her phone to look at her calendar before booking something for Xmas. She said she saw someone out that looked like him. He asked if she got any photos. She said no she didn't want to be the person busted for taking a picture of 'a hot guy'. This really got to me. Am I being overly sensitive here? I'm adverse to bringing it up with her as I look like I'm snooping again.

 

Thanks.

[Mammalyssa]

Yes that's over the top. What's wrong with looking at a hot guy? Depending on the type of selfie... personal trainers sometimes request updates ok progress. It's not necessarily anything untoward. 

 

And you're worried about her saying you're snooping... because you are snooping. 

Stop it. 

The only time I would look through my partners phone is if I outright said to him that I'm suspicious of him and would like to look at it. Yes I'd outright say that and if he refused I'd know I was right. Otherwise no, that's a no go zone.  It would take a very strong suspicion for me to go there too! It would have to be worth a huge argument regarding trust, which has potential to make everything go down the toilet. 

You sound very jealous, and in my opinion way out of line. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, mixedupmind said:

 I'm adverse to bringing it up with her as I look like I'm snooping again.

How long have you been married? How old is she? Do you have children?

How is the marriage overall? 

Why are you "snooping again"? Have there been issues before regarding controlling behaviors and undue jealousy?

If you feel you two can't speak openly and have to resort to rifling through phones, it may be best to unpack and sort this out with a neutral professional marriage counselor.

That may help get to the root of things, get the cards on the table and start an honest dialogue with each other.

[DarkCh0c0]

You're snooping because your gut feelings are telling you something is off.

It sounds like she has poor boundaries with this trainer and she enjoys his attention. Honestly, if she cared about your concerns, she would have limited her contact with him to professional only. But it seems she doesn't see how this affects you.

I would have a sit down and talk with her about this at a calm convenient time. Let her know your concerns and see if she's willing to discuss boundaries or her POV and find a convenient middle ground for both of you. If she's not, you have deeper problems in this marriage (lack of trust, resentment, ect.) and you need to consider marriage counseling.

[Kwothe28]

I think your concerns are valid. She is egzibiting very poor behavior and that needs to be adressed.

However, I do also think that it might be the best to involve marriage counseling into the matter. Like this she would always gaslight you into thinking how you are the problem. Which might be the case, but here its her that is the part of the problem too. And that should be adressed from both sides, not just yours. And with valid professional.

[HeartGoesOn]

Why does he have her phone number, and why did she give it to him?  I'd be concerned about what you future holds with her lack of loyality, and respect towards you.

Time to think...

[JohnLee]

I don't think it is anything serious yet. However, she is going down a slippery slope. Tell her that you have some concerns about her sharing too much with trainer. If you are an anxious person, like me, work on addressing your insecurities. How is your marriage? Are you guys communicating and emotionally close?

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, mixedupmind said:

 

About a year ago I started looking at my wife's phone because i was concerned about her having feelings for her personal trainer. Nothing serious but just fancying etc. Saw a few things which didn't like - selfies etc she had sent. She found out about me doing this and was really angry at me. I sought counselling as think this all stemmed from some kind of deep-rooted insecurity on my part.

 

However, yesterday I read another message she had sent this guy after i picked up her phone to look at her calendar before booking something for Xmas. She said she saw someone out that looked like him. He asked if she got any photos. She said no she didn't want to be the person busted for taking a picture of 'a hot guy'. This really got to me. Am I being overly sensitive here? I'm adverse to bringing it up with her as I look like I'm snooping again.

 

Thanks.

It seems lighthearted to me and I don't think it's right for you to violate your wife's privacy in this way.  How often does she see the trainer and does he come to your home?

[moodindigo91]

Just to clarify, have you been snooping through your wife's phone continuously for an entire year, or you did it once a year ago and again recently? 

[smackie9]

Communication is key. But the cat will be out of the bag again. you snooped regardless of what you were doing with her phone. Trust is broken on both sides. Just approach this with some calmness/sensitivity to prevent her getting apprehensive. Share your feelings about it see where that takes you. 

[GotMyLifeBack]

I see a lot of wise counsel has already been given to you, especially the basic idea that the topic of jealousy and boundaries has been difficult for you two to discuss, and that it might help to get a marriage therapist involved. Don't let it slide.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, he's her trainer. That should be it!

No reason for all of that chatting as they are.  No reason for her to send selfies, etc.

Sounds a little too flirty IMO.

How is your relationship- I think has been asked....

I say SHE needs to stop her behaviour with him.  No need for any of that.  You two need to talk & respect is necessary.

 

[Andrina]

Sounds like you two have an issue with emotional disconnection. Somehow your relationship has gone off the tracks. And it sounds like neither of you have the skills to repair what needs fixing.

When there is emotional disconnection, sometimes one or both in a partnership allow themselves to be drawn into an emotional affair, which might be happening to her.

You two also seem to have different views on what's appropriate and what's not as far as sharing social media with others of the opposite sex who are not relatives or known to be "safe" contacts for a married person.

I know I wouldn't be happy if my husband was texting back and forth with a female trainer. In fact, we discussed a relationship rule according to who we couldn't give our phone numbers to when we became exclusive. If you didn't do that then, it's never too late to have the discussion now.

I don't see you getting to a good place again without marital counseling. You two have a lot to work on and getting homework from a skilled professional, and an impartial take on what needs to happen, is definitely necessary in your case. Good luck and let us know how it goes.