I've had dating failures all year, this one frustrates me the most since I did everything right

[MALayhee800]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This is a really good thing -your self-awareness and your self-honesty.  I hope it continues to serve you well -it's not an easy thing.

I have a bias for aged women, reasonable age gap being 10-12 years older than me(I know I'm weird) but I do understand life is more than just physical preferences, so my partner waiting for me could be younger than me. If I were to be with someone older, there are surrogacy options, IVF or adoption, so I should revolve my relationship goals around kids. I would rather have a quality partner first and the kid thing is secondary. 

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It's OK to have an initial knee jerk emotional reaction. You didn't act on it by lashing out or doing something unwise and/or unsafe. So no harm no foul.

There are literally millions of women out there. Tens of thousands of them are single. Many of them will want to date you. It is like searching for treasure but the end result is worth it.

BTW, my son's spouse is bisexual but fell in love with him and is totally committed and faithful to him.  They were very upfront with one another from the beginning.

Thank you, I think the thread is wrapping up anyways, people can still leave their opinions.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

have a bias for aged women, reasonable age gap being 10-12 years older than me(I know I'm weird) but I do understand life is more than just physical preferences, so my partner waiting for me could be younger than me. If I were to be with someone older, there are surrogacy options, IVF or adoption, so I should revolve my relationship goals around kids. I would rather have a quality partner first and the kid thing is secondary. 

I don't think it's weird! It's fine! The options you describe are there but pricey/complicated so just keep that in mind and be direct about how having children is not a top priority because the alternatives also require so much time, patience, etc.

[MALayhee800]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it's weird! It's fine! The options you describe are there but pricey/complicated so just keep that in mind and be direct about how having children is not a top priority because the alternatives also require so much time, patience, etc.

I just know in the United States, it's more socially acceptable for age gap relationships between old men and younger women, it's not the same for the opposite. I also know the kid thing is a risk as well; I see these stories of mass shooters and I always think about the possibility of my kid committing the crime, or my kid being the victim of another. I know that if I were to be a parent, it would be incredibly difficult in today's world. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I just know in the United States, it's more socially acceptable for age gap relationships between old men and younger women, it's not the same for the opposite. I also know the kid thing is a risk as well; I see these stories of mass shooters and I always think about the possibility of my kid committing the crime, or my kid being the victim of another. I know that if I were to be a parent, it would be incredibly difficult in today's world. 

Who cares what is socially acceptable? You do you.  It still wasn't so socially acceptable to wear a blue maternity dress when I got married at 42. Oh well.  Who cares.

I really just don't relate to your comment about the risk of violence.  The sky could fall in, too.  Falling in love and getting married is a huge risk - your risk your heart, you risk that your partner could pass away suddenly, etc - but people make a leap of faith and balance the risks and benefits.

I never once have doubted having a child because of the risk of losing a child or creating a child with the propensity to hurt another human being - when you go to work or go outside during the day do you ponder whether you'll be hit by a car or a scooter or robbed or mugged? How long do you delay living your daily life because of those fears? 

Being a parent has always been very hard work in so many ways.  I knew that before, I know that now.  But if you want to act in the best interests of a child, you can provide a reasonably stable, safe home and fill the child's basic needs and give love and care and want to parent a child you take the leap and you do your best. 

A few months ago there was an active shooter situation in my lovely neighborhood.  While I had to pick up my child from school (walking) - so I had to keep him calm and get him home ASAP.  I didn't let on that I was worried, he didn't ask a lot of questions, we were surrounded by law enforcement and closed off streets on our 15 minute walk home and we got home and the shooter was caught shortly after. 

My son saw the Jan. 6 incidents on TV because he was on virtual school.  (He was almost 12).  My son learns about and knows about 9-11.  I mean it's part of life -but to think of not becoming a parent because of the risk of crime - again do you not go to work because of the risk of being hit by a bus? My friend was run over by a bus and went on to marry, have a child, learn new skills.  She had a child even though she had first hand experience as a victim of a horrific accident.  Do you not go out at night because crime increases at night? 

Today's world has challenges.  So did yesterday's world when you couldn't just email a school or text your child or child's teacher or caregiver to make sure your child was ok.  In yesterday's world if a child was molested by a family member or an adult it was far less likely the child would share that information or if it was shared that a darn thing would be done about it. 

In yesterday's world you didn't have alternative ways of teaching your child safety and being a good person - meaning videos and other technological alternatives enhance what you teach your child - grabs them in a way maybe a parent's well-meaning lecture can't -it's how I taught my child about safety around strangers, about personal boundaries and space - I also taught him by example but it was another way. 

So when he was 7 and some incompetent person at a crafts table at the park said to him "hey come with me over there I'll show you some more crafts" without asking him to check with me -I was sitting a few feet away -he said "oh but I have to as my mom first" - so that's how you lessen the risk your child will be a victim -you arm them with your wisdom, your teaching, you spend time with your child and not just quality time -quantity-so they experience right alongside you various life situations.  

Sorry your comments are just way out of left field.  Are you sure you want to be a parent? 

[MALayhee800]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Who cares what is socially acceptable? You do you.  It still wasn't so socially acceptable to wear a blue maternity dress when I got married at 42. Oh well.  Who cares.

I really just don't relate to your comment about the risk of violence.  The sky could fall in, too.  Falling in love and getting married is a huge risk - your risk your heart, you risk that your partner could pass away suddenly, etc - but people make a leap of faith and balance the risks and benefits.

I never once have doubted having a child because of the risk of losing a child or creating a child with the propensity to hurt another human being - when you go to work or go outside during the day do you ponder whether you'll be hit by a car or a scooter or robbed or mugged? How long do you delay living your daily life because of those fears? 

Being a parent has always been very hard work in so many ways.  I knew that before, I know that now.  But if you want to act in the best interests of a child, you can provide a reasonably stable, safe home and fill the child's basic needs and give love and care and want to parent a child you take the leap and you do your best. 

A few months ago there was an active shooter situation in my lovely neighborhood.  While I had to pick up my child from school (walking) - so I had to keep him calm and get him home ASAP.  I didn't let on that I was worried, he didn't ask a lot of questions, we were surrounded by law enforcement and closed off streets on our 15 minute walk home and we got home and the shooter was caught shortly after. 

My son saw the Jan. 6 incidents on TV because he was on virtual school.  (He was almost 12).  My son learns about and knows about 9-11.  I mean it's part of life -but to think of not becoming a parent because of the risk of crime - again do you not go to work because of the risk of being hit by a bus? My friend was run over by a bus and went on to marry, have a child, learn new skills.  She had a child even though she had first hand experience as a victim of a horrific accident.  Do you not go out at night because crime increases at night? 

Today's world has challenges.  So did yesterday's world when you couldn't just email a school or text your child or child's teacher or caregiver to make sure your child was ok.  In yesterday's world if a child was molested by a family member or an adult it was far less likely the child would share that information or if it was shared that a darn thing would be done about it. 

In yesterday's world you didn't have alternative ways of teaching your child safety and being a good person - meaning videos and other technological alternatives enhance what you teach your child - grabs them in a way maybe a parent's well-meaning lecture can't -it's how I taught my child about safety around strangers, about personal boundaries and space - I also taught him by example but it was another way. 

So when he was 7 and some incompetent person at a crafts table at the park said to him "hey come with me over there I'll show you some more crafts" without asking him to check with me -I was sitting a few feet away -he said "oh but I have to as my mom first" - so that's how you lessen the risk your child will be a victim -you arm them with your wisdom, your teaching, you spend time with your child and not just quality time -quantity-so they experience right alongside you various life situations.  

Sorry your comments are just way out of left field.  Are you sure you want to be a parent? 

Maybe I should have defined my comment more, I'm just saying any risk is risk. I didn't I that I don't want to be a parent, I just understand that it's not an easy job, most people in my eyes are terrible parents. I have seen in public how miserable some parents can be, how some of them get verbally abusive with their kids, if I were ever a parent I wouldn't even contemplate acting like that. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

most people in my eyes are terrible parents.

Do you usually have such a negative mindset? 

I'm a parent and I strongly disagree with your statement. (I also don't believe most people are a-holes or that women are all user gold diggers or that all men are just after sex). 

There are a lot of good young people. I believe the young people are going to be the ones who will save the world. Some might think my POV is sappy or unrealistic. But I find myself being a lot happier than the people I know who have a negative world view.

[MALayhee800]

58 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you usually have such a negative mindset? 

I'm a parent and I strongly disagree with your statement. (I also don't believe most people are a-holes or that women are all user gold diggers or that all men are just after sex). 

There are a lot of good young people. I believe the young people are going to be the ones who will save the world. Some might think my POV is sappy or unrealistic. But I find myself being a lot happier than the people I know who have a negative world view.

I can't help but be negative, even though I like to have a positive outlook on things, my naivety has never helped me in my life. I hate to sound like a walking contradiction, but I can't sum up my negative life experiences in a simple online post. I do know for certain I was more positive as a younger kid, then I became jaded as an adult; I treat people with respect, but am cautious when approaching relationships.

My views on younger people is that they have unrealistic views on society, they're idealistic to a fault. I know there are few sane Gen Z kids out there, most of them are just in perpetual "bad Millennial bad! bad Boomer bad!

I will end my outlook on life here, just so we can resume the topic. I have my physical preferences, they're not more rational than being attracted to someone with blonde hair or someone who's muscular.

I guess I need to not post generalizations for the people who are good parents.

[boltnrun]

"Positive" and "naive" don't have the same definition. You can be world wise and positive at the same time.

But of course it's a choice. For me it's easy despite things I've gone through that should have landed me in a psych ward. It's more fun and more enjoyable to be positive than it is to go through life expecting people to crap on me.

[Cherylyn]

Don't drag this out anymore.  Text her immediately.  Apologize for giving her mixed signals or messages from initiating FB conversations.  Then say that both of you are incompatible.  You do not need to explain.  Leave it at that.  Request NC (no contact).  Thank her in advance for respecting your wishes. Then tell her that you wish her all best.  Sign off with 'Sincerely,  Your Name.'  Keep your text brief and to the point yet well mannered, very polite and respectful.  If she's relentless, you know you've given her fair warning so it's ok to ghost, block and delete her. 

[SooSad33]

On 11/14/2022 at 9:48 AM, MALayhee800 said:

I was taken a back by this woman, because it turns out she wanted my number and it did make me feel good that maybe there was a chance this could happen. I'm not expecting much, we've only known each other for one week and she should have some breathing room. My only annoyance is that I have initiated all of our conversations on Facebook, which tells me that maybe she changed her mind and doesn't want to go out with me. She did say she would give me a date we could hang out, I'm just not feeling like it's actually going to happen now. I also feel like in terms of personality, she was too revealing when we first met. I did hear from her that she wants kids and given that she's 36, she feels pressured to have them asap. I prefer older women, but I don't want to get into a relationship with someone who might want me just for procreating.

An yet, you don't need this crap in your life?

Like you said, has only been a d week... and you need to give her some breathing room.

Okay, so stop initiating conversations.  Leave her be.  Never show yourself as desperate.  The ball is in her court now- but yeah, tread carefully re: her idea of kids NOW, lol.

Does it make you wonder why at this age, she still has none?  ( that maybe, she has been unable to keep a long- term relationship, for reasons?  😕 

Be careful in this.  She doesn't even really know you & has brought up her idea of kids.

 

On 11/14/2022 at 9:48 AM, MALayhee800 said:

I'm 29 years old and I'm currently in the stages of relationship grief, feels like the older you get, it's harder and harder to impress women or at the very least get one date out of them.

Relationship grief?  In regards to this present interest?

Heck, you're only 29, lol.  Slow it all down re: expectations.  At 29 I had 2 kids and my marriage was on it's way out.  We all travel down diff roads in life.  You never know if or when you'll come across someone of interest  😉 .

I feel, if you feel 'grief', then maybe back off & turn some focus onto yourself a while? Especially if you've been out there for a good while searching, etc.  ( try not to get yourself too overwhelmed & frustrated).  No, we don't always get what we 'want' & when we want it! 

 

Keep living your life.  Get out with your friends, have a hobby?  Do your thing 🙂 .

If this chicklet seems off, then you carry on.  No expectations, no hurtin' right?