I've had dating failures all year, this one frustrates me the most since I did everything right

[MALayhee800]

I'm 29 years old and I'm currently in the stages of relationship grief, feels like the older you get, it's harder and harder to impress women or at the very least get one date out of them. I did attend a Halloween party last Saturday, if you're asking why there was a Halloween party in November, the organizers are a little older than me, they have kids and wanted to do a party the week after. I'm not saying the party was a waste, I had fun and met 6 cool people, one of them was this girl I met.

I was taken a back by this woman, because it turns out she wanted my number and it did make me feel good that maybe there was a chance this could happen. I'm not expecting much, we've only known each other for one week and she should have some breathing room. My only annoyance is that I have initiated all of our conversations on Facebook, which tells me that maybe she changed her mind and doesn't want to go out with me. She did say she would give me a date we could hang out, I'm just not feeling like it's actually going to happen now. I also feel like in terms of personality, she was too revealing when we first met. I did hear from her that she wants kids and given that she's 36, she feels pressured to have them asap. I prefer older women, but I don't want to get into a relationship with someone who might want me just for procreating.

So right now I'm unsure, but if I'm the one starting all conversations, that's not a good sign. I'm bisexual, if this keeps happening with women, I might just be exclusively gay; it's easier for me to socialize with men and I don't need this crap in my life right now.

[Kwothe28]

Did you specifically and clear asked for a date? Like asked her "This Saturday I want to take you out to cofee, drinks, watch new Black Panther etc"?

I ask because she seem to be interested as she did take your number. But you need to be clear about your intentions. If her answer is "yes" or she wants to reshedule, that is good. If she says "No" or doesnt offer other date, that is also fine. But you will have your answer.

Its not a dating failure if you see that the other side is at least interested in something and ask for a date. Even if the other side says no. You want to get to know the other side better and ask. If the other side doesnt want that with you, its their loss. You move on, you will meet some other girl(or a guy in your case) and that is it. You cant get discouraged by some stranger that you just met. Is it a bit dissapointing? Sure. But ultimately, that shouldnt be a big deal and you shouldnt be treating it as such.

[MALayhee800]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

Did you specifically and clear asked for a date? Like asked her "This Saturday I want to take you out to cofee, drinks, watch new Black Panther etc"?

I ask because she seem to be interested as she did take your number. But you need to be clear about your intentions. If her answer is "yes" or she wants to reshedule, that is good. If she says "No" or doesnt offer other date, that is also fine. But you will have your answer.

Its not a dating failure if you see that the other side is at least interested in something and ask for a date. Even if the other side says no. You want to get to know the other side better and ask. If the other side doesnt want that with you, its their loss. You move on, you will meet some other girl(or a guy in your case) and that is it. You cant get discouraged by some stranger that you just met. Is it a bit dissapointing? Sure. But ultimately, that shouldnt be a big deal and you shouldnt be treating it as such.

I made it clear that we should go out for coffee sometime, she said we would work on a day to go, but it's been over a week and I haven't heard back yet. We did have one awkward moment, but it wasn't from me or her, the people we were talking to at the party suggested we should be dating, I'm unsure if that turned her off from the sounds of it. I just believe if I'm initiating the conversation all the time, then she likely isn't interested, but then again most women are cautious when dating men so I can't know for sure. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

My only annoyance is that I have initiated all of our conversations on Facebook, which tells me that maybe she changed her mind and doesn't want to go out with me. I'm bisexual, if this keeps happening with women, I might just be exclusively gay

Were your friends trying to fix you up with her? Does your social media indicate that you are bisexual? If she or you have low interest, just let it go and don't bother chatting on social media with her.

[MALayhee800]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were your friends trying to fix you up with her? Does your social media indicate that you are bisexual? If she or you have low interest, just let it go and don't bother chatting on social media with her.

They weren't friends when I met them, these were new people I met who are a married couple, suggesting the two of us should go out. I have a barren Facebook, I sparingly use it and don't add much information about me on it. 

[smackie9]

Reading your post, from your own words, this isn't an idea partner for you anyways. I would just drop it. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated right? There is nothing here that's going to fulfill your expectations so why chase her down? Things fail if there is no common sense. 

[Lambert]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Reading your post, from your own words, this isn't an idea partner for you anyways. I would just drop it. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated right? There is nothing here that's going to fulfill your expectations so why chase her down? Things fail if there is no common sense. 

maybe she is looking to procreate and therefore moving on. Sometimes people do you a favor by letting you go your way and they go their's 

[MALayhee800]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Reading your post, from your own words, this isn't an idea partner for you anyways. I would just drop it. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated right? There is nothing here that's going to fulfill your expectations so why chase her down? Things fail if there is no common sense. 

You're probably right, I'm just aggravated and don't know what else to do. If I did everything right and conversed with this woman for 4 hours the entire night, I'm likely to have this experience with other women. I was excited leaving the party that night believing something was going to come from it, as Thanos once said "reality is often disappointing."

[Kwothe28]

33 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I made it clear that we should go out for coffee sometime, she said we would work on a day to go, but it's been over a week and I haven't heard back yet.

That is not conveying interest, that is just too vague. Like when old friend says "We should see each other for coffee sometimes" without ever intending to follow through. You should have called her out on a specific date and time. 

But then again, yes, if she hasnt at least contacted you, her level of interest in dating you is probably low. 

[MALayhee800]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is not conveying interest, that is just too vague. Like when old friend says "We should see each other for coffee sometimes" without ever intending to follow through. You should have called her out on a specific date and time. 

But then again, yes, if she hasnt at least contacted you, her level of interest in dating you is probably low. 

You don't just meet someone in an hour and go "hey want to go out on a date?" I know that might happen with some people, but most people probably go out several times before you call it a date. When you approach with "we should probably meetup another time" I shouldn't have to ask for a date, I pretty much just asked for one without using the word date in a sentence. 

[boltnrun]

Ask her for a date. An actual date, not "we should go out some time". Suggest a specific activity on a specific day. She'll either say yes, say she's busy and suggest a different day or say no. But at least you'll know.

And don't waste time with inane messages. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

You don't just meet someone in an hour and go "hey want to go out on a date?"

Yes, you can. One of my male friends met my coworker. There was a group conversation that lasted maybe 20 minutes. He called her the next day at the work number and asked her out. She said yes.

[MALayhee800]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ask her for a date. An actual date, not "we should go out some time". Suggest a specific activity on a specific day. She'll either say yes, say she's busy and suggest a different day or say no. But at least you'll know.

And don't waste time with inane messages. 

I'm not trying to argue here, I just think we have a different understanding of the English language and social customs. Why do I need to specifically say "we should date"? She expressed she is single and knows I'm single, am I hanging out with her just to have a friend? Men and women don't do the friendship thing when they're single.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

Men and women don't do the friendship thing when they're single.

They absolutely do. I have male friends. No, they're not trying or want to have sex with me and vice versa.

Wouldn't it be easier to ask for what you want rather than hoping she gets the hint?

[moodindigo91]

53 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

she said we would work on a day to go, but it's been over a week and I haven't heard back yet.

Okay, so you were like "hey, we should hang out sometime" and she was like "yeah, sure that would be great" and then you never followed up with asking her to hang out on a specific day at a specific time? She's waiting for you to do that. Were you just expecting you would both randomly show up at the same place at the same time and then start hanging out together one day? I really don't understand the people who post on here and are like hey I asked this person to hang out and they said sure and then I never said anything else to them but we never hung out, did they ghost me? 

Have you ever seen the TV show Friends? There's a flashback episode when Rachel first joins the group and Ross and Rachel end up alone in a room together and he says "hey, maybe we can go on a date sometime" and she said, "yes, I'd like that" or something of that nature. HE THEN NEVER FOLLOWS UP WITH AN OFFICIAL INVITATION TO TAKE HER ON A DATE. It was not until years later they officially dated. This is exactly what's happening here. It's like people saying I'm having a party on Saturday, never giving you the detail about the party, but then getting upset that you never showed up to it. 

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

this isn't an idea partner for you anyways.

I agree with this statement as well. You have known this woman for like 5 seconds and you already have a laundry list of flaws about her. 

4 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

Men and women don't do the friendship thing when they're single.

I don't know who told you this but it's false. In any event, women are not just going to announce that you'll be taking them on a date. You need to pursue them, give them an explicit invitation to do something somewhere that they can accept. 

[MALayhee800]

Just now, moodindigo91 said:

Okay, so you were like "hey, we should hang out sometime" and she was like "yeah, sure that would be great" and then you never followed up with asking her to hang out on a specific day at a specific time? She's waiting for you to do that. Were you just expecting you would both randomly show up at the same place at the same time and then start hanging out together one day? I really don't understand the people who post on here and are like hey I asked this person to hang out and they said sure and then I never said anything else to them but we never hung out, did they ghost me? 

Have you ever seen the TV show Friends? There's a flashback episode when Rachel first joins the group and Ross and Rachel end up alone in a room together and he says "hey, maybe we can go on a date sometime" and she said, "yes, I'd like that" or something of that nature. HE THEN NEVER FOLLOWS UP WITH AN OFFICIAL INVITATION TO TAKE HER ON A DATE. It was not until years later they officially dated. This is exactly what's happening here. It's like people saying I'm having a party on Saturday, never giving you the detail about the party, but then getting upset that you never showed up to it. 

I agree with this statement as well. You have known this woman for like 5 seconds and you already have a laundry list of flaws about her. 

I don't know who told you this but it's false. In any event, women are not just going to announce that you'll be taking them on a date. You need to pursue them, give them an explicit invitation to do something somewhere that they can accept. 

If I'm the one engaging in conversation first, how am I ghosting her? if anything she's ghosting me. 

[moodindigo91]

Just now, MALayhee800 said:

If I'm the one engaging in conversation first, how am I ghosting her? if anything she's ghosting me. 

reread what I said bc you're just reiterating it lol you're wondering how she ghosted you WHEN YOU NEVER ASKED HER ON AN ACTUAL DATE

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

You don't just meet someone in an hour and go "hey want to go out on a date?"

Yes you do. How do you think people ask each other on a date? How do you think all those people that meet randomly on the street, or in a bar do? They talk a bit, exchange a number and usually a guy follows up by calling on an official date. I did it last year with the girl I knew from a friend. We talked a bit there, exchange a few texts and asked her out and she said yes. In retrospect it wasnt a very bright idea as it didnt go nowhere at the end, but that is what dating is for, you go out and see if you can go somewhere. 

I understand what you are saying but you should understand that you should be more concise. You dont have to say "Hey I want to date you" but you should be able to say "Hey, on Saturday I want to take you out for a coffee at 6PM." You dont have to message her for a month just so you could invite her for a coffee or drinks. A date is not a relationship. A date is just something where you should talk a bit and see if you are compatible and if you could go somewhere. If she likes you even a litle bit, she would be happy to say yes to your clear invitation even after a few messages. But you should make a clear plan and not just say "Hey I want to take you out some day".

[MALayhee800]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Yes you do. How do you think people ask each other on a date? How do you think all those people that meet randomly on the street, or in a bar do? They talk a bit, exchange a number and usually a guy follows up by calling on an official date. I did it last year with the girl I knew from a friend. We talked a bit there, exchange a few texts and asked her out and she said yes. In retrospect it wasnt a very bright idea as it didnt go nowhere at the end, but that is what dating is for, you go out and see if you can go somewhere. 

I understand what you are saying but you should understand that you should be more concise. You dont have to say "Hey I want to date you" but you should be able to say "Hey, on Saturday I want to take you out for a coffee at 6PM." You dont have to message her for a month just so you could invite her for a coffee or drinks. A date is not a relationship. A date is just something where you should talk a bit and see if you are compatible and if you could go somewhere. If she likes you even a litle bit, she would be happy to say yes to your clear invitation even after a few messages. But you should make a clear plan and not just say "Hey I want to take you out some day".

I will need to update everyone later today then, I asked her out on messenger and will see where it goes. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MALayhee800 said:

You're probably right, I'm just aggravated and don't know what else to do. If I did everything right and conversed with this woman for 4 hours the entire night, I'm likely to have this experience with other women. I was excited leaving the party that night believing something was going to come from it, as Thanos once said "reality is often disappointing."

IMO these are unrealistic assumptions and expectations.  (I dated for 24 years on and off -well over a hundred men).  

[waffle]

2 hours ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm bisexual

At what point do you usually disclose this?

I would want to know up front.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, waffle said:

At what point do you usually disclose this?

I would want to know up front.

Same and when I was a 36 year old woman looking for a husband and the opportunity to have a family if possible I would not have dated anyone who was bisexual. I would have been friends with the person if we had stuff in common -as a friend the sexual orientation would have been irrelevant to me.  Just like I wouldn't have dated a man who already had children (sort of tried that -no thanks) or a man wasn't over the moon enthusiastic about becoming a parent.  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm just aggravated and don't know what else to do. If I did everything right

Dating isn't that formulaic, though. 

It's not "If I do X and Y, surely Z will follow." Attraction on some level is also fundamental, and that isn't something one can manufacture or do "right." We feel a spark with some people, and not with others. It's just human nature. 

You've done well in following up with a more specific date request. Her answer will tell you what you need to know. 

[MALayhee800]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

At what point do you usually disclose this?

I would want to know up front.

I'm not trying to be rude, but am I supposed to tell a woman everything when we meet on day one? I understand it's a legit concern, I haven't been sexually active in years and I don't have any diseases after being tested when I have been with people in the past. 

 

 

[moodindigo91]

11 minutes ago, MALayhee800 said:

I'm not trying to be rude, but am I supposed to tell a woman everything when we meet on day one?

No, not day 1. But sooner rather than later I would say. Like during the first [official] date, if not then, then before a second date.