New relationship - advice needed

[Gman88]

Looking for people's take and advice on this one please...

I have been dating a girl for the last 4 months, I'm 34 and she is 32.  Things have taken of really fast and we are in a really good place etc. I love this girl to bits, and feel we have a great future together. we have also discussed living together and having children. 

However she has a guy friend. This should never be an issue but here me out.

Said guy and her have only been friends probably 6 months longer then we have been dating.

Her and this guy seem pretty close, text daily and meet for drinks and food etc. She recently told me some real personal trauma she went through a few years ago and recently I saw on her phone she has also told him. This is something I feel she should only be telling her partner, not just a friend. She has also told me he told her not so long back he was interested her and wanted to date her. This guy is single as well. 

The other day we went out for drink and went home, I then see a message from him asking if she wanted to go out. She said no she was with me and I wouldn't want to, to which he replied he would come and pick just her up?!?

Am I been over the top here or is this not rite?

I have met this guy a few times and just get bad vibes from him. Always talks sexual things around her etc. 

I have not brought this up with her but a few times she has been able to tell I've not been happy. Told me it's only me she's interested in and there just friends. 

I trust her 100% but can't help feel this is effecting my relationship with her. I honestly feel it's like they are a couple the same as me and her our just without the intimacy side of things. 

Thanks 

 

[Batya33]

Of course I tell my guy friends who are close friends personal things -that is what a close friend is.  But I don't think it's appropriate for a person in an exclusive committed relationship to have sexual conversations with a member of the opposite sex that are personal in nature (I mean referring to a sexual scene in a popular movie or how "hot" a certain actor looked or a total joke that refers to someone's cuteness -fine -but we all kinda know what crosses the line. ).

This friend wants to date her.  Which is ok as that is him -not her- but she is enabling it by all the sexual messages and all the one on one date-like time is playing with fire IMO.

I've had close male friends for at least 40 years and I am married -but I do not play with fire.  My husband has female friends and behaves appropriately too. 

I would not date or be with anyone who said I'd have to give up close friends just because they are male but a true friend supports the person's marriage/relationship and the person in the relationship gives her partner the opportunity to meet and get to know the friend despite seeing the friend one on one too.  One on one time with a close friend whatever gender is really important IMO and can be done without playing with fire. 

[spinstermanquee]

29 minutes ago, Gman88 said:

I honestly feel it's like they are a couple the same as me and her our just without the intimacy side of things.

Gman, from the way you describe their relationship it sounds like an emotional affair - not physical.  She may be keeping him on a string, breadcrumbing him with just enough to keep him hanging on, waiting in the wings, until she is done with you...

In any case follow your instincts on this one, I think you are spot on with what you summarized above ^^^  Good luck!

[Kwothe28]

People, especially women like to do that kind of thing. To keep somebody around either for attention or in reserve in case their relationship falls over. Then they can have a rebound or a new relationship right after the things fall over. Make no mistake, she knows that his intentions are probably beyond friendship. But keeps him there for her own reasons. I mean, she even told you

45 minutes ago, Gman88 said:

She has also told me he told her not so long back he was interested her and wanted to date her.

That being said, you cant demand that she stops seeing him. But you can express your concerns and that you dont like that. If she values your input, she will prioritize you and stop what she is doing (because make no mistake, this is on her as much as its on the other guy). If she starts defending how "But he is just a friend", or makes promises that she will see him less but you notice no change in her behavior and still message and see him almost every day, dump her. Plain and simple, dump her.

The reason is that with the way things are heading you are looking at the two scenarios:

a) She is cheating or on the way to do that as soon as things go little bad with you

b) She will leave you and go to him

Neither of those two scenarios are good for you. 

Dont be fooled, you have every right to be unhappy and express your concerns here. Some guy who you already know that wants to be with her, him being sexual around her, and she keeping him there is a huge red flag. And if that doesnt fixes soon, you have every right in the book to leave her. Because what you said is a huge issue and shows her having no clear boundaries.

[kctiger]

You gotta trust your gut instinct in these scenarios. You say you trust her 100% yet you are still not comfortable with this scenario. Before you move in together and make a significant commitment tying your future to hers, take action. Most people don't do well with ultimatums, so asking her to "cease contact with him or else" probably won't work. In that case you'll still be anxious she's contacting him behind your back. 

I don't think you do trust her 100%, but regardless, you probably need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend about how her friendship with this guy is affecting you. See where that leads then make a level headed decision afterwards. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Gman88 said:

Said guy and her have only been friends probably 6 months longer then we have been dating.

She has also told me he told her not so long back he was interested her and wanted to date her.

I honestly feel it's like they are a couple the same as me and her our just without the intimacy side of things. 

Sorry this is happening. It's 0nly 16 weeks dating and you are smitten. However this is the time to observe deal breakers and red flags, such as this.

You can't tell her who to be friends with or talk to or what to talk about. But you can protect yourself from headaches and heartaches ahead.

She is dating him. It's that simple. Three is a crowd. You can't be sure they weren't or aren't intimate because the other man/woman is always "just a friend".

[smackie9]

Of course this guy has motives...he's an orbiter not a real friend. She might be a little oblivious to it who knows BUT this does need to be discussed in a civil manner. Leave your jealousy at the door before this conversation takes place. Now that your relationship is serious, it's time to discuss boundaries, and what is and what is not appropriate. Mention that if you had a female that was constantly pushing to hangout, etc how would she feel? You need to point out that when in a relationship things do need to be "adjusted" out of respect for your new partner. This guy has got to go. When he's not taking no for an answer, he needs to be punted to the curb by her. 

[moodindigo91]

As a woman, I can say that I have and definitely do divulge personal, sensitive things about my life to them, especially if I am in need of a male's perspective. I am single, however, this would be true even if I were in a relationship with someone. I don't automatically think that is a red flag.

However, what IS a red flag, is that this guy is clearly interested in her beyond just friendship. Personally, I think it's good that you've met him because that shows she's not necessarily hiding you from him. However, I think at the very least, the boundaries need to be very clear. Maybe she's being naïve and thinking this guy really just wants to be her friend. Maybe he does really just want to be her friend. In any event, the boundary on her part needs to be clearly communicated/expressed, that she is not interested in dating him, that she is with you exclusively, etc. 

I think you are right to be worried, as whose arms is she going to run to when you inevitably have an argument?  

However, first and foremost, if you haven't discussed or explicitly committed to being exclusive with one another, you hardly have a leg to stand on here. You mentioned you're "dating" her. You've talked about moving in, etc., but that's not the same as being in an exclusive relationship with someone. If you aren't exclusive, then maybe you should just leave this connection behind, as there are some real red flags here and it is probably not worth your time and effort to sort them out. She's playing you both. If you are exclusive, then I agree you need to have a conversation with her without jealousy and really ensure that boundaries are clear.  It shouldn't be a huge issue for her to communicate a clearer boundary to him, if he really is her friend. And, likewise, if he really is her friend, it shouldn't be a huge issue for him to respect that boundary. 

[catfeeder]

I'd explain that I won't tell her who she can see, but I'm going to be straight up and say that I don't have good feelings about that guy, and this to color my feelings about being with her.

She can see whoever she wants, but it's a reflection on her if she doesn't care that it makes you feel lousy. That would grate on me, and it would impact my feelings for her and my desire to keep seeing her.

I mean, who wants to keep feeling lousy all the time?

[SooSad33]

On 11/14/2022 at 8:40 AM, Kwothe28 said:

you cant demand that she stops seeing him. But you can express your concerns and that you dont like that. If she values your input, she will prioritize you and stop what she is doing (because make no mistake, this is on her as much as its on the other guy). If she starts defending how "But he is just a friend", or makes promises that she will see him less but you notice no change in her behavior and still message and see him almost every day, dump her. Plain and simple, dump her.

This. ^

He has one intention IMO.  But sounds like she may be seeing it as something different. She is well aware of his interest in her... and she has chosen to keep him around as a 'friend'.

Yes, for sure, boundaries are needed in this.  She does not need to be out, hanging with him much, if at all.  And should be no 'sex talk' between them.  Sounds like he's busy flirting away with her and has NO respect for you two & the fact she is dating!

So, I say you voice your concern & thoughts and if she doesn't want to respect your relationship & stop this carrying on with him, then remove yourself from this.

[Andrina]

Being friends with someone who has a crush on you is not conducive to, and extremely harmful to, one's primary relationship.

Either she's too dumb to know this, or values the ego boost and sees you're not going anywhere for the moment, so she can have her cake and eat it too.

Also, how serious can she be about you while letting this situation be something that could sabotage it? And how lacking in care is she about your feelings, doing something she knows you can't be comfortable with?

I highly doubt she's having a physical affair. She would've dated him if she liked him like that. But that's irrelevant. He's not a platonic friend who is championing your relationship. Even if he was, some people aren't okay with their partner having a best buddy of the opposite sex, and there's nothing wrong with that feeling. 

You two don't share the same relationship boundaries. That should be a must-have when deciding to be exclusive with someone. Thank goodness you found this out in the early days of infatuation. 

I'd just say: This relationship isn't working for me because . . . 

Because when you ask for something a person has to give up, they will feel resentful if they have to give up their favorite toy. Of course, if they said, "No, I see what you mean and I will end that friendship." Then you can see if they could do so without bitterness. Good luck and let us know how it goes.