Met a fine woman, need advise

[Giotemantiker]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did she tell you this?

Kind of.
Lemme try to review.
She said something like this:
"I don't want to go out with my friends anymore at the moment, because we always talk about the same. I wanted to go out alone to meet new people, without responsibility, being free"
I asked her how she registered to the social game. She said:
"I was starting to watch TV, but it felt like I missed so much in my younger years that I need to go out more, that is why I just googled for today's events and registered and here I am" - it was spontenous.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Giotemantiker said:

I asked her how she registered to the social game. She said:
"I was starting to watch TV, but it felt like I missed so much in my younger years that I need to go out more, that is why I just googled for today's events and registered and here I am" - it was spontenous.

Ok that's fine. She wants to meet people and make friends. While your drive home with her didn't lead to anything, you can ask her out next time you see her. Otherwise it's just a disappointing missed connection, but that's ok too since surely others have joined the meetup group that you moderate.

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, Giotemantiker said:

I hope you know how difficult it is to watch behaviour, think twice and review everything WHILE you are next to a woman you begin to like more from minute to minute.

Obviously. 

But she gave you some indications pretty quickly that she's an attention-seeker. You certainly didn't need to think twice or review very much. She was making it very clear. 

[Giotemantiker]

27 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Obviously. 

But she gave you some indications pretty quickly that she's an attention-seeker. You certainly didn't need to think twice or review very much. She was making it very clear. 

Yes, that is why I explicitly asked her about it and we talked like 10 minutes about only that while driving her home. I was not blind about that and wanted to hear her explaining herself. As already said, she talked it down and it seemed that it's nothing that she is proud of. And I still believe her, that's why I was in the hope that she overthinks her behavior and does NOT repeat it with me.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Giotemantiker said:

And I still believe her, that's why I was in the hope that she overthinks her behavior and does NOT repeat it with me.

People are at their best behavior when they meet somebody because they at least want to leave a good impression. If her best behavior was to say to you how she hooks up with people every week and sleeps with some, her actual behavior can only be worst, not better.

[Giotemantiker]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

People are at their best behavior when they meet somebody because they at least want to leave a good impression. If her best behavior was to say to you how she hooks up with people every week and sleeps with some, her actual behavior can only be worst, not better.

Well, I find you need to differentiate between group chat (when she talked about her bar stuff) and 1:1 talks. Of course it was a funny joking moment and she wanted to shock the group with details like that. I do not know exactly why. But she changed the moment we were alone. I think you know what I mean, talks got serious, calm, private. Everything she said from that point was not to impress me, the opposite was the case. She opened up on her real problems, her past and we talked about the evening/night and the other people where she mentions that all the others wouldn't interest her. I admit, she never said that she is "interested" in me either. But as you guys say, I should not take what the says, I should take what she does. And she stayed up very very late, with me. She could have left any time while we were in the bar. She could have stepped out of the car any moment to go leave me on the parking spot. But she kept talking, didnt initiate anything that made my think she just wants my pure attention and then dump me. She could have accelerated towards anything she could have planned. But it was very slow paced. It was not her leading to what is going to happen, it was me.

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, Giotemantiker said:

But as you guys say, I should not take what the says, I should take what she does. And she stayed up very very late, with me. She could have left any time while we were in the bar. She could have stepped out of the car any moment to go leave me on the parking spot. But she kept talking, didnt initiate anything that made my think she just wants my pure attention and then dump me.

She also could have suggested a date two weeks from now when she's likely free, and she could have also replied to your question instead of leaving you hanging.

On one hand, she doesn't owe you anything, including a reply, just because you two engaged in a six-hour chat. On the other hand, some women who know a guy is interested since he asked for a date would be caring enough to let him know right away she's not interested so he can free himself from any further efforts. I know I was kind enough to do just that when I did OLD. I also know when I was interested in a guy I never went days without replying to a message and always suggested an alternate date if I was busy for a date he initially asked me out for.

Do yourself a favor and don't build up these fantasies where you're a knight in shining armor, going to save some bubblehead damsel from herself and her poor decisions. You'll have better luck putting energy into women who make it crystal clear they are into you and don't need "saving." They are fully formed gems in no need of polishing.

[Tinydance]

8 hours ago, Giotemantiker said:

Confidence is not a problem. There were 5 other men that night and she decided so stick with me. This is not my concern. And yes, she said she goes there quite often and I might go there just on my own to find out what's going on.
I'll post when there is any news. But for now, it's still silent, so I guess you are all right about her.
It's a pity, but if that's what she needs these days I can skip on her.
We are in a message group with the others, she texted there a few minutes after I left her flat that night in a very happy mood. It's still a mystery what's really going on in her mind. Maybe I challenge myself to find out, just out of curiosity more than serious interest in the woman she really might be.

The more time passes, the more I can see it from a distance. As you can.

Wow, is this like that movie "There's Something About Mary" lol Everyone is obsessed with this girl. I think when someone said that you should go back to the bar, that was probably a joke. Like in the sense: "She's not interested in you so you'll just have to find her at that bar where she gets all the other men". I don't know why you can't just accept that she's not actually interested in you any more than getting your attention that night?

I mean, she told you what is going on, she explained it. She said she goes to the bar and different guys hit on her and she kisses them. She didn't elaborate if she sleeps with them but maybe? She loves getting attention from guys on different nights and that night it happened to be from you. If she wanted to see you again, I'm sure she would have agreed to go out with you when you asked her and replied to your messages. She basically had no problem also telling you that she has other guys asking her out too. In fact she'd been talking about other guys the whole time.

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, Giotemantiker said:

Yes, that is why I explicitly asked her about it and we talked like 10 minutes about only that while driving her home. I was not blind about that and wanted to hear her explaining herself. As already said, she talked it down and it seemed that it's nothing that she is proud of. And I still believe her, that's why I was in the hope that she overthinks her behavior and does NOT repeat it with me.

Why would she overthink her behaviour? She talked about it very openly. She didn't feel bad about it and was happy to tell anyone about what she's doing. You seem to think that you were special but you were just one of the guys she found at the bar. And she said she does that all the time.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Giotemantiker said:

Well, I find you need to differentiate between group chat (when she talked about her bar stuff) and 1:1 talks. Of course it was a funny joking moment and she wanted to shock the group with details like that. I do not know exactly why. But she changed the moment we were alone. I think you know what I mean, talks got serious, calm, private. Everything she said from that point was not to impress me, the opposite was the case. She opened up on her real problems, her past and we talked about the evening/night and the other people where she mentions that all the others wouldn't interest her. I admit, she never said that she is "interested" in me either. But as you guys say, I should not take what the says, I should take what she does. And she stayed up very very late, with me. She could have left any time while we were in the bar. She could have stepped out of the car any moment to go leave me on the parking spot. But she kept talking, didnt initiate anything that made my think she just wants my pure attention and then dump me. She could have accelerated towards anything she could have planned. But it was very slow paced. It was not her leading to what is going to happen, it was me.

Well she was having a few drinks and enjoying your attention. And she also got a free lift home. In any case, even if she slept with every guy she saw, for some reason she decided she doesn't actually want to see you again.

Why are you so fixated on her? Did you actually really like her a lot as a person? Or is it just that you want to "win" over all the other guys who she's getting? I don't really see why you thought she was so amazing, except if she was really attractive. I mean, she was showing off how she always goes to that bar and how many guys she gets. Even if that's true, why does she have to talk about it. I think she's a bit up herself and wants to brag and get attention.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

She also could have suggested a date two weeks from now when she's likely free, and she could have also replied to your question instead of leaving you hanging.

On one hand, she doesn't owe you anything, including a reply, just because you two engaged in a six-hour chat. On the other hand, some women who know a guy is interested since he asked for a date would be caring enough to let him know right away she's not interested so he can free himself from any further efforts. I know I was kind enough to do just that when I did OLD. I also know when I was interested in a guy I never went days without replying to a message and always suggested an alternate date if I was busy for a date he initially asked me out for.

Do yourself a favor and don't build up these fantasies where you're a knight in shining armor, going to save some bubblehead damsel from herself and her poor decisions. You'll have better luck putting energy into women who make it crystal clear they are into you and don't need "saving." They are fully formed gems in no need of polishing.

I also don't think she actually needs or wants to be saved.  She's enjoying what she's doing and she's not making some mistake or feels bad about it. She's a grown woman in her 30's who's doing exactly what she wants.

[Giotemantiker]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well she was having a few drinks and enjoying your attention. And she also got a free lift home. In any case, even if she slept with every guy she saw, for some reason she decided she doesn't actually want to see you again.

Why are you so fixated on her? Did you actually really like her a lot as a person? Or is it just that you want to "win" over all the other guys who she's getting? I don't really see why you thought she was so amazing, except if she was really attractive. I mean, she was showing off how she always goes to that bar and how many guys she gets. Even if that's true, why does she have to talk about it. I think she's a bit up herself and wants to brag and get attention.

Yes, I like her as a person.
I can not change what she did, but I could be the one forming her near future. So why not?
It's not important for me what she did, it is important why she did it and what it tells about her character. And I tried to find out, but time was running so I was in the impression that I could spend more time with her to see if it could go betweenus. And I tried to understand her. Her trust and openess in me impressed me and gave me the feeling that it's a unique night.

[MissCanuck]

You're making the mistake of attaching some sort of sentimental significance to the things she told you. 

She sounds like an over-sharer. There are lots of them out there. Don't assume it has anything to do with trust. She's just someone who apparently likes to talk a lot about herself and you happened to the audience that evening. 

I can tell you that the best quality people are not the ones who brag about all the people who want them and are asking them out (if that's even true, she might be inventing stories to make herself sound desirable) It's better that she didn't accept your date request. She sounds immature and like a total headache to deal with. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Giotemantiker said:

 I tried to understand her. Her trust and openess in me impressed me and gave me the feeling that it's a unique night.

She joined your group to socialize? Perhaps she shared TMI? Knowing someone a few hours and going on about her love life and sexual history is strange.

She shouldn't have trusted you with this because you went on to discuss it further and who knows where else and this led to character judgement about her sexuality.

Maybe she's lonely or drinks too much or has poor judgement, who knows?  You don't even know her.

You know her 6 HOURS. Try not to presume this much about her.

If she is interested in getting to know you, you'll hear from her. Perhaps she trusted you because you positioned yourself as the organizer/moderator of this get-together or someone she could trust to confide in.

[Giotemantiker]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She joined your group to socialize? Perhaps she shared TMI? Knowing someone a few hours and going on about her love life and sexual history is strange.

Happens quite often to me. It's not something strange here I guess. And no, I don't speak to woman especially for talking about that 😉 It's also not me coming up with that topic.

Whateever, as you say. If there is ANY interest, she'll contact me.

It's just that it was a very special unique experience for me. This one was going a little differently, that's why I created this post in the first place. I think I am not used to meet women like her, that's why I was unsure about what's going on.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Giotemantiker said:

Happens quite often to me. It's not something strange here I guess. 

It's just that it was a very special unique experience for me. 

So it has nothing to do with her conversation topics, just that you were quite smitten with her? That's ok.  The only inappropriate part was asking to come up and use her bathroom. Other than that, things seemed ok.

You shared a few pleasant fun hours. Wasn't that the purpose of the group anyway? Having fun, meeting new people and making friends? 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Giotemantiker said:

it was a very special unique experience for me

Right, but if she felt the same way, she would gladly have accepted your date invitation. 

Don't bother waiting around to see what happens when someone doesn't feel the same attraction and interest that you do. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Giotemantiker said:

Whateever, as you say. If there is ANY interest, she'll contact me.

It's just that it was a very special unique experience for me. This one was going a little differently, that's why I created this post in the first place. I think I am not used to meet women like her, that's why I was unsure about what's going on.

That's too low a bar -you want someone enthusiastic about seeing you again and going on a date with you not "any interest"- she might have mild interest in being a chat buddy or stroking her ego to see if you are still interested.  That is not enthusiastic interest in dating you -that is the only acceptable standard IMO.  

A woman like her is a woman who enjoys sitting pretty at a bar and being leered at by men likely who are drunk or on that path and then kissing and/or hooking up with them.  Someone commented men are obsessed with her.  I don't think what's described means that necessarily -she's probably attractive to look at, and easy to hook up with (also her reputation likely is known by now).  That's interest in hooking up with someone who the person is attracted to - not obsession in her as a person.

Also I'd be careful because since she is spreading herself so thin you don't want a regular at the bar to recognize you and be upset that you are dating her.  And act on being upset.

[pmw06092016]

If I was you personally I would run for the hills and not look back. The fact she said in her text that you were not the only one who wanted to take her out tells me she’s a player, and someone who brags about them selves like that is not a person to trust. She clearly loves herself and likes to play around. Even if by miracle she was to end up falling for you, I wouldn’t trust her to stay faithful. Your worth more, certainly do not chase her.