I put my foot down, and now she wants to talk... convenient timing.

[Cynder]

I don't have the energy right now to go into tons of details.  But the simple backstory is, my roommate/tenant who I've known for 20 years has barely paid rent for the last year and she has gotten meaner and meaner.  She's got a drinking problem and she's just not a nice person anymore.  The only reason I've put up with this or this long is because I absolutely adore her 9 year old son. I've been a part of his life since he was a baby and I consider him to be my nephew even if there is no blood relation. I found out my mortgage is going up after the first of the year, and it's a substantial amount, too.  And so I finally just put my foot down and told her she either needs to start paying rent or move out. 

There have been some recent threads going into more detail about this.  She's got this boyfriend in England that she thinks she's going to move over there and live this fairy tale life with.  Not sure how she will manage that being a convicted felon but that's not my problem. 

And lately she seems straight up delusional.  The other night she was texting me about how living in my house is so awful because there isn't even a working toilet.  Ok... that would be awful if it was true.  But the toilet works fine.  Like... does she actually believe there is no working toilet in this house?  Where has she been pissing for 5 years?  This level of gone from reality scares me, actually.  I have done some major house cleaning and kicked all the toxic people out of my life... except for her.  She wasn't always toxic though and I am really close to her son. 

So, this morning she texts me "Hey, I want you to go out to dinner with me this weekend because I really want us to talk things out.  I hate what we have become and I really want to save our friendship."  Wow really?  You want to save our friendship right when I decided I can't handle you living in my house anymore and told you to leave.  What a coincidence.

I texted back and told her "I don't know if it can be fixed. You've lied to me.  You've stolen from me. You've physically assaulted me.  I've opened up my house to you twice when you had nowhere else to go and you hate me and think I'm nothing but a POS.  SO is it even worth fixing?"   And I know there is no fixing this.  I really just was curious to see how she would respond. 

She just said, "Ok, well I tried."  And I said, "Why do you even want to fix it?"

And she said, "Because it's not like me to throw away a 20 year friendship."  That was literally the only reason she could give me. Not "We were like sisters once and I miss you."  Not, "I feel bad for hurting you."  Just, "Because it's not like me to do this."  All about her like it has been for the last year or so.  

She said she only wants to talk about good things  when we talk and not the bad things.  So in other words she doesn't want to be held accountable for anything she did.  I haven't done anything to her.  If I did I would admit it.  She is mad at me for things that never happened.  The other night she was on this kick about how right after I lost my job I took a vacation and got a bunch of tattoos.  Ok... neither of those things happened.  Ove the last year I've been having work done on the sleeve I started years ago.  I have had three sessions done on it over the last year, each one took about 6 hours.  None of which happened when I was unemployed and I didn't take a vacation when I was unemployed either.  She is literally pulling things out of thin air to be mad about.  So she wants to tell me all about her life.  And she wants to hear all about my life.  But we can't talk about any of the things that caused this rift in the first place? 

And if I even decide to go, I don't plan on riding there with her.  The restaurant she wants to go to is about a 5 minute walk from my house.  I will just walk there.  I don't want to even get in the car with her.  And when I'm done I will get up and walk home. 

So...  I haven't decided on whether or not I even want to do this.  Twenty years is a long time.  But she threw away all those years in the last 12 months.  I do miss the person she used to be and I miss the friendship we had.  I really did think of her like my sister for a good chunk of my life.  Should I just tell her no and be done with it?  Should I humor her and let her buy me dinner while she brags about how awesome her life is? And just keep anything going on in my life to myself and then still hold my ground about her leaving?  I am not letting her stay here either way.    She ruins good things.  I've gotten really careful about who I let into my bubble.  And I'm pretty sure this is all just a manipulation tactic so she can stay in my house.  Does it sound that way to everyone here too?  Nothing was decided.  I just put my phone on airplane mode and went to bed after this conversation and she hasn't said anything since. 

I know there are probably reading this thinking all these answers seem so obvious.  But I am still trying to get over a lot of self doubt.  I plan on talking to my therapist about this situation too when I see her again. 

[MissCanuck]

No way would I agree to talk to her now. It's way too late. 

I would decline, and start the process of legal eviction. 

Period. 

[1a1a]

Does the thought of dinner fill with you with joy or dread? Act in according with the feeling you feel I think. 

[Andrina]

What I was told by a real estate professional when I planned to rent out a previous home was this: If you don't have the heart to evict a non-paying tenant, no matter their situation, then don't be a landlord.

Her assaulting you, by itself, is reason enough to kick her out and overrides the fact you might lose the connection with her son. That's a sad situation, but often life is filled with many of those instances we have to accept. You can still try to keep your relationship with her son, though it may not happen. 

I'd give her notice of when she has to move out.

[Seraphim]

She wants to talk because she will be homeless. That is it. Please don’t fall for it. You deserve better . 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Cynder said:

The other night she was on this kick about how right after I lost my job I took a vacation and got a bunch of tattoos.  Ok... neither of those things happened. 

Regardless of whether they happened or not, she's not the spending police. She makes up that stuff to justify in her own mind not paying the rent.

Skip that, I'd serve her eviction and be done with this. She's been your only barrier to peace of mind for far longer than a year.

[Batya33]

Agree with the others and I would stop all texting except like "please come pick up your ___ on ___" - I realize you wanted to vent but given the business/financial side of things and the tension I'd avoid any sort of paper trail where your words can be twisted.  Best of luck to you.

[catfeeder]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others and I would stop all texting except like "please come pick up your ___ on ___" - I realize you wanted to vent but given the business/financial side of things and the tension I'd avoid any sort of paper trail where your words can be twisted.  Best of luck to you.

Right. You already know she's out to manipulate you without apology for any harm she's caused you. She knows you well enough to work you past your own best interests--why expose yourself to that? If she wanted to 'heal' anything she could simply stop treating you badly and pay her rent.

Do you really want her using YOUR rent money to feed you more BS at a restaurant?

[Cynder]

44 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Right. You already know she's out to manipulate you without apology for any harm she's caused you. She knows you well enough to work you past your own best interests--why expose yourself to that? If she wanted to 'heal' anything she could simply stop treating you badly and pay her rent.

Do you really want her using YOUR rent money to feed you more BS at a restaurant?

She just went to the store and brought me back a drink...  she is really kissing ass. 

[Cherylyn]

Your story is similar to my story regarding my cousin whom I was close to ever since childhood and my sister, too. 

Both my cousin and sister married godawful husbands.  Hence, my cousin and sister became extremely harsh,  mean,  selfish and cruel.  I don't want them in my life anymore and we now have peaceful estrangement which is a tremendous RELIEF for me. 

I married a great husband so naturally, I have brain space to be nice. 

The problem is people change.  You can't cling onto the past nor a more innocent era when friendship was worth cherishing, so precious and good times.  People and their life's circumstances change which changes one's personality and character like night and day.  You have no control over it.  Not that you want to.  I'm just saying that nostalgic memories while dear,  no longer apply to how your splintered friendship with her is now. 

Your friend is the son's mother so unfortunately, the mother has control over her 9 year old son.  Perhaps you'll have to wait until he grows up to have friendship with him.  For now,  he's under her wing and whatever she says goes including living faraway from you.  I'm sorry. 

I've noticed that whenever people's lives are great on all fronts with a relatively smooth life in their personal relationships with family,  friends, jobs,  economics and health,  their personality is wonderfully content, kind and considerate because they have brain space for niceties and pleasantries.  Whenever a person's life is in tumult,  not idyllic nor optimal,  people are irritable, easily agitated and moody.  Trying to have a normal relationship or friendship is dicey and you do so at your own risk or peril.  While I have compassion towards those who are fraught with a lot of troubles,  I tend to gravitate towards happy people because they're kinder to me.  I'm not into the "misery loves company" mindset because it doesn't work for me. 

Also, money and friends or money and family do not mix.  Your friendship went from previous wonderful times without factoring money to a money and rent transaction which alters the friendship negatively especially when there are opposing sides.   

Keep in mind your friend drinks and her personality changed because chemicals impaired her brain cells even when she is sober.  I know because my father drank and when he was sober, trying to engage in a normal conversation was confusing, complicated, senseless and hopeless.  He was very sneaky, tricky, deceptive and manipulative.

Even though you and your friend have precious friendship memories from years ago,  due to the friendship having gone awry now,  there's no salvaging whatever is left because there is nothing left.  That ship has sailed.  Trust is dead.  Whenever there are doubts in your mind regarding character and major trust issues,  those are red flags forewarning you that you are now entering the danger zone should you risk continuing in engaging with your friend repetitively.  Your friendship with her is dead in the water.  Should remain there,  you'll only set yourself up for more disastrous scenarios and do you want that? 

If I were you,  I would decline the dinner invitation.  However,  I would do it graciously.  I would text her this:  "Thank you for the dinner invitation but I will thankfully decline.  It's time to go our separate ways permanently.  I wish you and your son all the best.  Sincerely, Your Name."  As you make arrangements for her exit from your house, when she finally moves out and after the final transaction takes place, text her this:  "Please respect my wishes by not contacting me anymore.  Thank you and be safe always."  In the future,  ghost,  block and delete her.  There is a way to be unwavering,  steadfast, gentle, respectful yet firm. 

Yes, manipulation tactics,  gaslighting and the whole lot are very slick strategies and maneuvers.  Never be naive enough ensnare yourself into these types of traps otherwise you'll regret it.

I too miss the good in a lot of bad people.  The problem is the bad outweighs any good they gave you which you can never overlook.  This is the reality of the situation.  The bad sides to their character remind you NOT to take risks by having them in your life anymore.  Being shrewd and prudent protects yourself from future harm.  Better safe than sorry.

I agree with you.  Only allow honorable people to grace your bubble.  I've been doing the same and it works wonders.  It is a tremendous RELIEF.

 

[goddess]

So sorry you are having such stress with this obnoxious person.  I agree with all the other posters.  Don't fall for her manipulative behavour, please.  And, don't feel bad:  serve her eviction and be done with her.  You don't need people like her in your life.  Good luck!  xx