johnagent1911 Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 I was writing this for a class and needed some feedback. I guess this would be the best place... =) Thanks. -------- You can't explain it. Heaven's air in my lungs every bit. It's only faith in trust falling onto each other The sun acts to the earth as the surrogate mother Everything you see falls in systematic clockwork, From the birth of a precious child To the death in the wild. The world glows with its innocents. Falling asleep in the arms of a lover, In the bright green grass under the cloud cover. To know yourself, Kill oneself You can't explain it. Heaven's air in my lungs every bit. -John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenneth05 Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 it's not bad, really. while it is a bit cliche, and derivative - of course all poetry is cliche and derivative. this line: "To know yourself, Kill oneself" seems out of context with the rest of the piece, however. as a shock line it works, as a poetry line it doesn't. just remember - you asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnagent1911 Posted June 2, 2005 Author Share Posted June 2, 2005 I have to agree with you that it seems out of context and kind of a non-poetry line. Even when I wrote I thought the same thing. It was that whole "old me vs new me" thing. But this is cool because I can go back and change it. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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