Do I forget a 35 year long friendship?

[addressunknown]

Hey guys. So I have a long term friend called Andrew, and we have had lots of fun over the years. I consider him a best friend. During this time we have been through stages of being very close (especially when we were young, spending most of our time together), later we lived in different cities but still often visited, I moved to Spain and Andrew visited 2 or 3 times a year, always picking up where we left off with ease. We have never had a single argument and our humour is very similar, we laugh a lot.

I returned to the UK a few years ago and now, we both live in our hometown. We see each other often. We don't live in each other's pockets, but we know we are there for each other. We have done so much together, and we have been through a lot, happy and sad times. I think we have a deep connection and are not shy of saying how much we love and appreciate one another.

So when I first got back to the UK, Andrew mentioned a friend of his called Claire quite often, saying how nice she was and how much I would like her, so last year I invited them both for dinner and drinks. From then on they have been to mine many evenings, and it has been fun to have another friend who fits.

Into the new year through conversation, I slowly realized how much stuff they actually do together. Quite often stuff they know I would enjoy also. In the spring, Andrew mentioned they had been to a concert and I allowed myself to comment how much I would have liked to have joined them. He said yes, you will have to come next time we do something. 

A few weeks later, I got a text from Claire asking me if I wanted to go to a show. I was really pleased, but unfortunately I had something else arranged. The fact that Claire had invited me made me happy. I took it as her way of showing me that she wanted to include me. I thanked her and explained that I was busy that night, she replied saying "it's ok babe, I was just thinking about you". A while later and after a few beers, Andrew let it slip that someone else had backed out and that they had ended up with a spare ticket. Inviting me seemed to be an afterthought. I didn't respond.

Over the next months they went to many events. They also went on holiday to Spain, to the place where I used to live. Andrew asked me for my ex-partner's number, which I no longer have. I found this very odd because Andrew knows I broke up with my ex of 15 years because of infidelity. 

In the late summer, Andrew mentioned they had booked to go to a festival. He then asked me for the number of another best friend of mine who lives in that area, so they could meet up for drinks. They have only met occasionally. Taking into account that I wasn't invited, I thought this to be quite rude. I again said I would have liked to have gone with them, but Andrew said that there was probably no accommodation available at such a late date. I contacted my friend, and he said it was ok to give Andrew his number. Afterwards, my friend called me, and we chatted about him meeting up with them. He told me that he had assumed I wasn't interested in going to the festival and was surprised and saddened to learn I hadn't been invited.

Last month, I learned that Claire had hosted a party at her house. Considering how many times I have invited her to my house, I felt offended that I was excluded. Andrew didn't mention the party at all, so I decided to be direct and the next time he came to mine, I asked him why I wasn't invited. He said the reason was that a friend of Claire had been invited to the party and that I would have clashed with her. I asked him if that was a bad reflection on my character, and he said not at all. He went on to explain that he didn't like her friend because she was very self obsessed and that she uses Claire, and that he wished Claire would drop her. He ended up getting quite upset, which I thought was weird?

last night I got a text from Claire asking me to go to her next party in 2 weeks time. According to Andrew, the girl who I would have supposedly clashed with has not been invited. 

Later I sat and actually wondered whether I really want to be involved after all. It's all feeling very confusing, annoying, upsetting and even child like.

This situation has been going on for a while now, and I'm quite fed up with it to be honest. Obviously I'm not in the mood for going to the party, but if I don't go I will feel like "I" am now the one being childish, and I don't want to appear that way. I feel like I am being drawn into behaving how I normally wouldn't. 

At this moment, I am questioning my friendship with both Andrew and Claire, especially Andrew. As a best friend, I feel he has become selfish. Over the years, I have heard many people describe him as selfish, and I have never understood how they felt that way, always defending him.

I haven't replied to the invite because I really don't know what to do? I know some things are not always how they appear, that we understand situations differently......maybe I am missing something?

Thank you for reading, and please share your thoughts if you can, guys.

Cheers!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, addressunknown said:

Obviously I'm not in the mood for going to the party, but if I don't go I will feel like "I" am now the one being childish, and I don't want to appear that way.

I haven't replied to the invite because I really don't know what to do?

Go if you want to and just be yourself and have fun...or not. But either way RSVP promptly. try not to overanalyze their friendship. They seem like decent friends, but if you feel like they are becoming more like acquaintances, that's fine too.

[Batya33]

This all sounds so childish on their end and kind of deceitful/thoughtless.  Is it possible that Andrew and Claire are romantically involved so that the stakes are higher if you are around and "clash" with the "friend?"

[tattoobunnie]

Sounds like Andrew wants to get with Claire.  I would not take it personally, and invite Andrew and not Claire for things.  I wouldn't treat her like a bestie, but okay to treat Andrew as a bestie who also wants to date Claire.

[Cherylyn]

You have several choices here.  You can have a 1:1 in person discussion with Andrew and tell him exactly how you feel about your friendship with him.  I wouldn't preoccupy myself with Claire.  You have to either take it or leave it regarding Claire. 

Or, you can do nothing.  Be a good sport by joining Andrew and / or Claire and others whenever they decide to include you whether it's a concert,  event, occasion,  party,  gathering in one's home or whatever.  You'll either have to remain in standby mode or decline if you prefer.  You can't force people to include you or have a preference towards you.  They'll do whatever they like and it's your choice to either accept their invitation or graciously decline. 

Not every friend or no matter who it is will reciprocate.  A lot of friendships or relationships are unconditional.  It's unbalanced but sometimes it is a non-issue in order to keep the friendship or relationship afloat.  There were times when I resented this unfairness.  I drifted apart and faded away.  Either way,  you get to choose whether or not non-reciprocal behavior is acceptable to you. 

I felt like you years ago.  I too wanted to feel accepted and even forced myself into certain social scenarios or occasions.  In hindsight,  it was unwise.  I should've just gone my own way in life and created my contentment however way I saw fit.  Nowadays,  I simply act natural and go with the flow.  If I'm included and I'm inclined to participate,  I'll thankfully accept the invitation.  If I'm busy,  have previous plans, commitments or don't desire participation in any event or occasion,  I'll gratefully decline.  No harm no foul.  I've since learned to back off a lot.  If people want to do anything or go anywhere without me,  have fun and hey,  go knock yourself out.  I have plenty to do with my own time. 

I wouldn't get dramatic over this.  Be cool and be easy.  Whenever others perceive that you're not insecure nor desperate to be with them,  they'll actually want to be with you all the more.  They'll perceive your security and self confidence.  Or, they'll do what they want according to their preferences anyway.  Go your own way.  Some friendships were not meant to endure forever.  Some friendships will endure dependent upon the course it will take.  Don't fight it nor resist it.  Be flexible even if you don't always agree with each and every scenario.  Andrew,  Claire and others are not worth your energy expended towards angst.  Change your perspective because it will cause less stress for you.  Don't fret nor worry because they're not worth it.  Take good care of yourself.

[MissCanuck]

Are Andrew and Claire dating? 

Sure sounds like they are. 

[addressunknown]

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Are Andrew and Claire dating? 

Sure sounds like they are. 

They are not dating. Claire is a straight married woman and Andrew and I are gay men. I should have added that, sorry for any confusion.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, addressunknown said:

They are not dating. Claire is a straight married woman and Andrew and I are gay men. I should have added that, sorry for any confusion.

Are you interested in Andrew or vice versa? Are you all friendly with Claire's husband? Is Claire interested in Andrew (yes despite Andrew's orientation).

[Tinydance]

28 minutes ago, addressunknown said:

They are not dating. Claire is a straight married woman and Andrew is a gay man. I should have added that, sorry for any confusion.

Well from the looks of it she doesn't seem to be inviting her actual husband to anything either lol Looks like she just wants to hang out with her "gay bestie". 

To be honest I'm not actually sure that you have a right to be as offended as you are...The thing is, yes Andrew is your best friend but that doesn't actually mean that he's not allowed to have other friends. For example, I'm in a group of close friends which consists of five women and one guy. Sometimes we'll all hang out together and go for dinner or on a day trip and things like that. But sometimes some of us will just hang out one-on-one, or three people together. 

I know you're best friends with Andrew and you got along with Claire, but you're not best friends with Claire. Andrew can't necessarily invite you to Claire's party, as it's not actually his party. If you were noticing that Claire's doesn't invite you to things then I guess maybe she doesn't consider you a particularly close friend. I think if you were offended by it then maybe don't invite her to your house anymore.

Andrew was already good friends with Claire when you came on the scene. I assume they hung out together before and they are continuing to do so. They don't necessarily have to invite you to everything they do. Especially if even Claire's husband isn't invited and none of their other friends are invited. It sounds like sometimes they want it to be just the two of them.

 

[addressunknown]

On 11/2/2022 at 10:36 AM, Batya33 said:

Are you interested in Andrew or vice versa? Are you all friendly with Claire's husband? Is Claire interested in Andrew (yes despite Andrew's orientation).

Everything is platonic. Claire's husband is a great guy and friendly. 

[addressunknown]

On 11/2/2022 at 10:56 AM, Tinydance said:

Well from the looks of it she doesn't seem to be inviting her actual husband to anything either lol Looks like she just wants to hang out with her "gay bestie". 

To be honest I'm not actually sure that you have a right to be as offended as you are...The thing is, yes Andrew is your best friend but that doesn't actually mean that he's not allowed to have other friends. For example, I'm in a group of close friends which consists of five women and one guy. Sometimes we'll all hang out together and go for dinner or on a day trip and things like that. But sometimes some of us will just hang out one-on-one, or three people together. 

I know you're best friends with Andrew and you got along with Claire, but you're not best friends with Claire. Andrew can't necessarily invite you to Claire's party, as it's not actually his party. If you were noticing that Claire's doesn't invite you to things then I guess maybe she doesn't consider you a particularly close friend. I think if you were offended by it then maybe don't invite her to your house anymore.

Andrew was already good friends with Claire when you came on the scene. I assume they hung out together before and they are continuing to do so. They don't necessarily have to invite you to everything they do. Especially if even Claire's husband isn't invited and none of their other friends are invited. It sounds like sometimes they want it to be just the two of them.

 

You make some good points and I take them on board.

I get it that Claire doesn't feel the need to get to best friends level with me, and that's ok. I would have liked to be close with Claire, but Andrew is my priority.

As for her husband, he is a friendly guy but not much fun (her words), so never accompanies her. 

I understand that it is not Andrew's place to invite me to another person's party, I don't think suggested that.

Speaking of the party, the only issue with Claire is that she didn't invite me to it. It was actually her first ever party, and I admit that I very naively thought I would be on the guest list, her having been to many of my parties. Other friends of Andrew were invited, some of who she didn't know, so yeah I was offended.

My post was mainly regarding Andrew. It's our friendship I am questioning. Of course, I don't expect to be invited to everything he does. The thing is, he doesn't include me in anything at all. 

Maybe the truth is that I just have to get my head around the fact that my role is to provide tea in the afternoon, or alcohol in the evening, so he can get drunk and share all his problems while also having to listen about all the fun things he has done with Claire and other friends.

Or maybe I don't, hence the title of my post.

 

 

 

[Andrina]

I'm of the sort that whether it be for romance when I used to be single, or with friendship, you don't do a lot, if any, double-asking. You ask them to do something and if they can't, the ball is in their court to ask you to do something. If they don't, there's your answer and you haven't wasted any excess energy on someone who doesn't make you a priority.

I know I had a 10 year friendship end after the only time she reached out, 3 times in a year, was to ask a favor. I saw that with others over that period, she did manipulate people and use them, though had a lot of good qualities as well. Our friendship worked while it did, and then it didn't.

I didn't have any discussion with her about what I felt as to me, her actions spoke for itself. We let each other fade away. If she did ask why I stopped reaching out, I would have told her the truth. But since she didn't, to me she doesn't care and I don't beg people for attention or try to coerce them to change.

In your shoes, I'd do just what I mentioned above and let the cards fall where they may. If you feel like he's inviting himself over for free tea and alcohol and you'll be bitter if that happens, just say you're busy. If he values your friendship, he'll figure out that a real invite to a fun event for quality time is something you're more likely to say yes to. If he doesn't ask you to do anything, don't make any effort yourself. 

It's a shame if the friendship fades to nothing after so many years, but you shouldn't be the only person driving the train. Good luck.