I’m so confused about this situation

[Lucyk]

Just a warning before I go into this, I have a habit of overthinking and over analyzing certain situations so if you think I’m doing that and I’m wrong about all this just tell me lol. I’m hoping for thoughts and opinions on this situation.  But basically I have a very close male friend, we’ve been friends for about a year. Many people think this guy likes me and I think so too, but then again I’m not sure. Unfortunately, he has an extremely hard time being open about his feelings and stuff like that.

 

He has told me a few times I’m the only one he feels this close to and all his other friends are just people he hangs out with, like surface level friends if that makes sense. He also has had a VERY tough childhood and doesn’t have the best home life, so getting close to people and being vulnerable is hard for him sadly. Some days he will be very sweet, calling me beautiful and pretty, hugging me a lot, making excuses to hold my hand and just things like that. He acts very differently around me vs his other friends. 

 

Then when he gets too close, he will distance himself. I have a tendency to always take things personally and i constantly feel like I did something wrong, so I ask the people who I’m close to for advice. They tell me (some also know him) when he gets too close to me he’ll pull away, afraid of how I’ll react and think. A few days ago he opened up to me and told me something he said he had never told anyone before, something super personal and not good. Then the next day at school he acted kinda nervous around me and distanced himself a lot. He talks to other people in class and down at lunch but mostly avoids me, which someone told me was because I had the power to “hurt” him and he was vulnerable with me. 

 

Of course I don’t know all of this for 100% certain, Im just making assumptions based on how he acts. I could sadly never ask him cuz he would just deny it all, again afraid of fully opening up. I texted him and said I’m

Here for you, and Ive noticed you getting distant and you know you can trust me, and he replied saying nothing is wrong and he talks to me all the time (not true at the moment). I asked my mother for advice and she said he is deflecting and isn’t being honest with me, she also believes everything I’ve said.  Also this is what other people have observed as well. Just another note, I have OCD so even if I believe something like this, my thoughts will convince me I’m wrong about the situation, so it helps to get other peoples thoughts. 

[Andrina]

Whenever people run hot and cold like this, it means they are just not that into you.

He is not shy, shown by his "running hot" behavior. If he wanted to ask you out, he would.

My take on people like this is that they love the ego boost that you have a crush on them, so they feed you the amount and type of attention to keep you dangling on their fishing line, but then they need to let out the line again and let you swim free so that you don't get wrong idea that dating is in the cards.

Whatever he's experienced in his upbringing is for him to figure out. Yeah, it's easier and less hurtful to blame emotional barriers on the reason he doesn't want to ask you out. It's also you grasping for straws and hoping you will show him with your nurturing ways that you will be the savior to salve his wounds. Women who treat him like some injured bird will be ones who he won't even want to be friends with.

Don't think you'll be that special one he'll bring those barriers down for, if in fact he has them. Believe me, when the girl comes along who wows him, he won't be too scared to make her his girlfriend.

You two have two different relationship goals. He only wants you as a friend he can run hot and cold with. You want him as a boyfriend. You need to realize that people have two different goals, the relationship is bound to lessen or totally end.

I suggest you start distancing yourself from him. Your bond with him is preventing you from finding a boyfriend, which you obviously want. And his behavior toward you when he's in the cold phase is upsetting to you. Real friends don't regularly stress you out. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[MissCanuck]

For more context, how old are you both, OP?

[catfeeder]

Often when we tell a person something that is very private, we can feel a bit raw about that for a while and need some distance to diffuse the intensity.

This is what happens with therapists all the time, and that’s why lots of people are not thrilled with their therapists.

Understand, lots of confessions come with a double edged sword. On one hand it may be a relief to confide in someone, on the other we’re opening a wound that can shock us or hurt us to hear ourselves say it. We’re bringing UP stuff that we’d grown accustomed to keeping buried.

Add to that the discomfort of another person now knowing stuff that we can’t take back, we’ve released our private control over the information and can now no longer contain what happens with it.

Vulnerability is a tricky thing. It’s a huge responsibility to be the keeper of another’s secrets, and they can turn on you for that.

Best to allow him space and decide for yourself whether positioning yourself this way with him is worth the price of feeling excluded from his attention for a while. If so, you’ll need to grasp that this is how he handles disclosures.